Disabled friend who can’t keep up.

Be honest- it is the only way. I have 1 friend who is in this situation, and her group are so kind to her and organise outings with here in mind- but also made it clear to her that they will also organise outings which won't be suitable for her. She totally accepts this as being normal and fair.

But you must also say that you could organise a couple of outings 'in between' which she could join but only if she accepts the use of a wheel-chair. My friend is very slender and light, and the group takes it in turn (apart from one who also has limited mobility). Good friends need to be honest and true to each other. And yes, but for the grace of God it could be any of us.

My mother was completely deluded about how much she could do and would take umbrage if anyone suggested she was holding them back. Fortunately her friends were very kind and took it on the chin. I suspect they are rather relieved that she is no longer able to attend their events!

I go on days out with three or four friends usually to exhibitions or museums but arthritic knees have slowed me down. I told them I cannot manage the underground anymore so they should go without me but they changed to bus travel which is slower but cost us nothing! If I get tired I sit myself down and have a cup of tea or sit people watching, a favourite pastime. They then are free go off knowing I am fine. I have made it quite clear if they want to do something without me then they should go ahead.

What if the less-mobile friend refuses to use a powered wheelchair or scooter, and thinks that her friends (mid-seventies up to mid-eighties) will push her in her manual chair, take her into toilets, on and off buses and trains, and so on?

then the rest of the group has to discuss this then tell the friend what their limits are, and be honest.

Indeed.

It is quite possible your friend doesn't want to be a burden on others who would have to push her around, so she's not realising that by not using a wheelchair she IS being a bit of a burden!
Could you explain this to her, and ask her to consider a wheelchair when you go to walking places?

This 'friend' of yours is quite happy to restrict you all and slow you down and isn't bothered about your feelings. Do you think she is unaware how she is slowing you all down? Perhaps email and tell everyone now that creaking joint and mobility is becoming an issue in the group anyone who cannot keep up needs to use a wheelchair/ mobility scooter on the outings from now on. The fitter ones need to take turns pushing/ helping the slower ones, so that you can all carry on growing old disgracefully together having your fun days out. If she doesn't cooperate then she is counting herself out.

I’m the one in our little group who is disabled. I have a rollator with a seat but even with that I can’t walk very far and am slow. My lovely friends jump through hoops to include me in everything but I just know that some things are beyond me. I go to the cinema, galleries, lunches and anything that doesn’t involve much walking. Everything else I turn down as I don’t want to hold them back. Sometimes it’s hard to convince them but I stick to my guns and feel better for it.

We quite often get this situation at Probus. Most people are fine and sometimes stay on the bus whilst the rest climb hills or do something energetic. What has annoyed some is those who always insist on sitting at the front of the bus because they want to stretch their legs out. Most would agree that the group should take it in turns to get the best seats and this has led to a few arguments. We warn everyone that they are expected to be able to walk unassisted because it is not fair on the rest if they have to spend their holidays looking after someone. We recommend they bring a carer with them if need be.

Well, it costs nothing to be kind. First out, ask her whether she feels up to the long walk that will be included in the enxt outing. It could be that it does not even occur to her that she is holding the rest of you back. If she is oblivious to this, and says she is fine with it, maybe one or two of you can suddenly decide you'd rather sit the walk out... and then do so, after asking her to join you. If she still canh't take the hint, you'll have to use plainer language.

Try the Shopmobility organisation in your area. They are usually very helpful.

Rather than discuss this on here with strangers I think you should be sitting down and discussing it with her. I would detest being discussed like this.... Ask her how she feels. Ask her if she would mind if the others went on a more energetic trip out without out her. Also point out that some slower easier trips could be arranged that she could cope with. I expect she would appreciate actually being talked to about the situation....

I find this very sad and something that may come to us all at some point and in some way in the future.

There are several factors to consider in all of this including mental health and well being along with physical health and well being.

My heartfelt initial thoughts are do not exclude this lady from your get together's.

It's difficult to make a judgement call as you don't say what type of activities. If this lady is not ruling herself out then I take it it's not exactly exertive exercise. As we don't know her nature we also can't tell whether she is exactly struggling and feels she maybe letting you all down by saying she doesn't want to go.

I feel you all need to sit down and have an open discussion about where you are all at health wise and how you are coping. I'm sure you all have limitations. You may find that there is not only her in the group that is finding things tough but you may also explore other things or find alternatives where you could all find a combined middle ground.

Whatever you do you mustn't make her feel you are ganging up on her or trying to exclude her.

May you have many more years as a friends group exploring new and old along with keeping yourselves physically and mentally happy and supported.

I felt quite sad reading this, as I too am becoming less mobile and would hate to be a burden on my kind friends.
In saying that, I am aware of my limitations and would never dream of expecting them to look after me or limit their excursions because of me. I just gracefully decline the invitation.

However, perhaps bear in mind, that in the future, you too could become that person, who needs to rely on others for support. We never know what is round the next corner.

A wheel chair is hard work to take with you and to push. It requires expertise to negotiate kerbs, door ways and inclines so do not suggest a wheel chair that needs to be pushed. there are all sorts of electric vehicles and she should get advce. However we all have to accept that with physical things as we grow older we will not be able to keep up with younger pople or those that donot have a disablity so we join art groups, book groups, and meet up for lunch etc.

All good suggestions made above. Doing something behind her back not a good idea - it needs to be transparently discussed with her.

when i accepted that i can't walk as far as i used to i bought a "walker" with a built-in seat. this fits into the back seat of my car.
recently rather than struggle with just my walking stick i have been using my walker when meeting uo with friends. they don't mind me sitting for a little while and then carrying on.
and i use a shopmobility scooter when i go to town - so much easier than struggling and many shops are big enough to take the scooter into.

I have very recently found myself in this position. My ,obility has gone downhill rapidly in recent months. However, I have invested in a small electric mobility scooter. I recently spent three lovely hours at the garden centre - lunch and the best look round I’ve had in years. I also went to the allotment open day - terrain was rough in parts but I managed. It’s just lovely to be able to “join in”. I walk easily around the house, use a stick in the garden but the scooter doesn’t like our gravel driveway so I can’t get out to the road! Thinking of a solution which does not involve too much expense but may just put paving slabs through the gravel. Driveway is over 100m!

MadGran and Mary Doll are the ones talking with kindness-- who knows what could happen to any of your group in the next week/month---strokes, heart attacks, mobility loss-- Dont be righteous because it doesnt affect the majority of your "friendly group" at the moment. It could be you tomorrow, what on earth happened to kindness and caring-or is that ok, as long as your plans aren't affected by a slower person!?

I am now the person who has become ‘slow’. I have been left out of things. I can’t get a diagnosis, which might help people to understand. I often feel bad opting out of things, but once I get really tired it can take me days to recover. A ‘quick walk up the hill’ to see something of interest often isn’t possible.

A planning meeting could be interesting - there may be others who would appreciate an occasional change of pace!

I had a friend like this. I am very fit I go to Zumba three times a week; I love to walk and just roam around towns/ charity shops or the country side. She is rather overweight, has high blood pressure and walks with a sick. When we would go out, she would need to jump on and off busses or get taxi for the smallest walk (often one stop). She has a bus pass, I don’t yet. I always went along with this as, I understood how hard it must be.
She kept asking to come on my solo day trips and I never wanted to be unkind so I would always say yes. The last one we went on, was nightmare. She refused to sit in the disable seat on the train as it went backwards so she was trying to get up a crowed, narrow train with a stick , asking people to move out of a seat that was facing forward. She had to get a bus to get to the town centre, but refused to get on certain busses as the seats were too high. She didn’t want to go anywhere, expect from café to café. I am not one for sitting in cafés all day. I suggested she sat in the cafe while I looked around but she got upset. I offered to find a wheel chair and she said I was rubbing her nose in the fact I was fit and she wasn’t. I really didn’t mean to be unkind. She complained the whole day that I was too fit and it wasn’t fair, even though I was walking a snail’s pace. She complained that she was tired, her back hurt over and over and she needed to find another cafe. She refused go into any shops and I had to keep finding her a bench to for her sit on, then I couldn’t look around any shops as I felt guilty leaving her outside. I suddenly realised that it didn’t work, and while, I was happy to still do her thing (sit in a café for most of the day) including her in my thing didn’t work.
She has since ghosted me as she said I was ridicules doing Zumba and running about like I do, at my age and it wasn’t normal then she just blanked me after years of friendship.
I am sure your friend isn’t like mine. but I think you should talk to her, be honest and say it maybe too much as we will be walking a fast pace/ fitting a lot in, (let her chose) give her the chance to either find a way or decline but be also happy to do things that she can manage easily now again.

Can understand your thoughts from myself being slower at walking due to mechanical issue age mid 60’s . Other suggestions already stated may be abhorrent & met with indignation to your friend , as it may destroy her enjoyment of a challenge. Of which she may be fully aware of .
A suggestion would be for a member of the group ( you don’t say how many ) to take turns to walk at the same pace of your friend . If there a few of you it shouldn’t be onerous & enjoyment of the trip can be had by all & maintain your group friendship. It can happen to any of the group at anytime & eventually there will be more slower than quicker folk in the group.

Perhaps all of you need to start by saying how concerned you are that she is obviously struggling on your days out and how you can help her? Offer some alternatives?

As a child being the youngest, weakest, slowest etc being left out or left behind was the norm and today there’s so much I prefer to do alone without having to take other people into consideration.

I am now disabled after a lifetime of being mobile and would be offended if my friends were discussing the "problem" behind my back. I would be very surprised if your friend is unaware of the effect that her presence has on the rest of you. I would expect to be included in discussions and would make the decision on whether I give the trip a miss or come along and spend time in cafes/on benches. She is the expert on her condition - don't presume to make decisions on her behalf. As someone else said, a wheelchair could present a problem for the rest of the group, and mobility scooters, if available, do not cover all situations.