Looking after grandchildren

Agreed, Summerlove.

Theoddbird

I would love to look after my grandchildren.... I never see them though. Count your blessings....

I find attitudes like this so unhelpful. Im OP has counted her blessings Im sure. However at this stage, doing regular daycare is not a blessing for her.

Why would you invalidate her feelings like that?

C4role
You have been doing so much in helping with your DGC but it sounds like it's becoming just too much for you and you're suffering from exhaustion.
I would be inclined to sit down with the parents and explain how you feel.
I think you may want to cut down the work to half what you're doing at present. In this way you won't feel like you're letting your family down. It may come as a shock to them at first but they will have to accept it.
As others have said our AC forget they we are aging and not as energetic as we have been in the past.
I have cared for our 2 DGC usually 3 days a week, sometimes more for about 4 years. This was 1 child at a time so I was able to cope and enjoyed it, mostly!
Now I am starting to care for our youngest DGC 1 day a week, my DS and DIL want to send him to nursery for 2 days which will suit us too. Also my DH is going to be home to help as my arms and shoulders are not as strong as they used to be.
Finally, I would say put yourself first and don't feel guilty about it.
Good luck and let us know how you get on with resolving the situation.

We used to do all this while Daughter was studying for a degree,,,,hard work,but then we moved 200 miles away only saw them occasionally..now they are all grown, I would do it again in a heart beat,,,time goes so quickly. Just enjoy.

I feel it will be much better for Polly to be in nursery or with a childminder.

I'm not sure that I would offer up where I thought Polly would be better off as it might be misconstrued in the anguish of losing a childminder. I'd be more inclined to say that I was unable to provide the stimulation an energetic, but lovely 2 year old needs.

I was working full time as a nurse when my DGC were born but did take my turn of minding my DGD as both parents and me and my late DH all worked shifts . My DD had to start her 1st job as a newly qualified nurse when baby was only 3 months old . We were able to sort our shifts between the four of us so that one was always at home to have our gorgeous DGD . She is now 17 and hasn’t needed child care for a long time .
I’m widowed now and pick up my youngest DGD 10 from school 3 times a week which is easy enough to do but that is only for one more year until she starts secondary school .
I’m
Counting the days ?.

“Dear Jill and Bill, Molly and Polly are lovely children, but from the beginning of next term I will be unable to take Molly to school and won’t be able to look after Polly. I am finding child care much more stressful and exhausting as I am getting older . I am sure you will be able to find a childminder to take Molly to school or breakfast club, and I feel it will be much better for Polly to be in nursery or with a childminder. Let me know if you need any help with this, and I will of course try to help if you have any emergencies. I have been pleased to give you this support, and hope I’ll be able to help out occasionally in future, but I’m sure you appreciate full on childcare is becoming difficult for me now. Lots of love, Mum xxx”

My wonderful Mother did this for my children. After many years she said that she thought a nursery would be a better option as she was just too old and her health was causing problems. I was so sad I hadn’t really noticed how much I was putting on her. Yes I did make other arrangements but it wasn’t easy to replace the perfect care my Mother gave my 2 children.
You must tell her and give her time to get someone else.
1. I’m too old now.
2. My health isn’t great and feel I need to change my lifestyle. I’m going to miss the children but I’m just too old now.

Bijou

It seems that nowadays parents don’t look after their children. Either they are put into day nursery right from an early age which often costs more than the mothers earnings or they are looked after by grandparents who are getting on in years because now mothers are having their babies later.

Parents can't afford to look after their children as they now have to pay such high prices for their housing, etc. I am sure there are many parents who would love to stay home if they had the opportunity. Although the cost of childcare can be high, there are tax breaks or tax credits which assist and opens the doors to other things which help people to get by.

Bijou

Your generation raised the parents of today - are you questioning how your generation's parenthood skills impacted the world today?

If I were you, I would give the parents of your Grandchildren notice that you are unable to look after the children any more as it is too much for you. It may be you just want to decrease the amount you do so just get it straight in your head what you want to do and don't do anything more. It is difficult to say but you will feel more and more resentful if you just carry on.

That’s a lot, you need to work a way of doing it less, your being put on. I have realised I have to have boundaries as my grown children have none. They are happy to take and I don’t really get anything back, the odd text or call, usually when I am of use. So I have had to start saying no, I do have the grandchildren once a week, and the odd weekend if tbey go out. But it is important to have your own life as we are getting older and need to enjoy life while we are fit and healthy. You should tell them you are finding it a bit much, and can you drop to one day a week with little one, also drop a couple of days at least, with the school
Run …

There seems to be gene that does not allow our children to see that we are aging. They don't realize that when we say our arthritis is bothering us that we mean we're in pain. They don't connect having a couple of days of high blood pressure with anything that should slow us down. I really believe that they see us so often that they don't see the difference or hear it. Sometimes, they have to be reminded. I wonder if it doesn't make them feel vulnerable to see that their parents are aging.

Bijou seems like you are putting down parents today but it’s not their fault and there is a reason the birth rate is dropping.

Lack of job security
Pay not increasing with cost of living
Poor maternity laws, maternity pay
Brexit
Cost of living

All of these things mean women can’t take time out of their careers till later and then have to return because if they don’t they won’t be able to get back into the workforce and their income is needed.

It seems that nowadays parents don’t look after their children. Either they are put into day nursery right from an early age which often costs more than the mothers earnings or they are looked after by grandparents who are getting on in years because now mothers are having their babies later.

Some of us have no option! My son and his partner both work for the emergency services and as such, work shifts, including night shifts. No childminder is going to look after a child under those circumstances.

I look after my 2 grandchildren age 4 and 9 3 days a week after nursery and school. I also look after my 2 step grandchildren after school 1 day a week. I Feel very lucky to be able to do this. My daughter is a teacher so I do get breaks. I really do understand how tired you can get and I do feel it at 70. I hope you can sort it out soon.

You do need to say something and work out what will work for YOU as well as your adult children, or you will burn out and not be able to enjoy your grandchildren or help at all.
Do bear in mind the children are their parents joint responsibility, not yours and certainly NOT just their mother’s as many on this thread seem to think!

Two months ago (for various reasons) we had our DGC for 5 days out of 7; we were exhausted and it was far less fun than our usual one day a week. Your involvement is even greater and on a regular basis; significantly it follows employment, caring and bereavement. It’s perfectly understandable that you need ‘me time’.
Less contact with and responsibility for your DGC might help you to arrive at a happier situation. Our time with them should be special, not stressful.
In the meantime, could you take the younger child to locally organised activities such Rhyme Time in the library?
Has pre-school been arranged?
It’s flattering that we’re not seen to be ageing, that we’re trusted to look after our ACs’ most precious but it has to be appropriate and proportional.

We collect 2 of our grandchildren from school every day except if we are going to go out and then their mum makes alternative arrangements. We love it, they are in their early teens and can’t get to their own house without a car. They chat away to us and we bring them to our house first, give them a snack and then ferry them home later. We are all too aware that time flies and in two or three years the older one will start to drive and get her own car.

Lots of good advise already given. My take on this is, if you were taken iLL the parents would have to sort out childcare anyway so why wait until it makes you iLL before you react.

Are these your DS or DD kids? Either way the parents sound disorganised and sloppy also selfish expecting you to do half their jobs for them! We don't mind and even relish helping out but there's helping out and there "dumping on" be careful how you go as you may fall foul of the sudden and brutal persona non Grata! And never see them again..........good luck and softly softly

We looked after our elder granddaughter one day a week preschool until Covid came along. During that time another granddaughter was born so we took on looking after them both. It became apparent that was too much, especially for the other grandparent who does it on her own, so the older one started nursery for an extra day. Looking after the younger one was fine but there were times when we couldn’t do it through illness which highlighted the fact that our working son and DIL have no one to fall back on in case of sudden emergency as the other grandparent lives 300 miles away. Both girls now go to nursery full time and we do nursery pickups plus weekend support which they can cover if necessary. I do think, from our experience, that everyone involved in this kind of arrangement needs to consider the fallback position.That may be a way for you of just doing the school run.

They can surely find a lovely Childminder to take them both or before sch breakfast club may be possible andNursery for the little one?
It’s not your job and you have done so much.
You need time for yourself…
I think you are still grieving for your Dad and also loss of freedom and then guilt (for no reason) on top !
Give them a months Notice!
Sending hugs xxx

I take my 6 year old granddaughter to school most days , have been for a while but she’s always ready with all her belongings, I can’t remember much home work just reading and a bit of writing
My other granddaughter 15 months is into everything it’s exhausting just glad she’s in nursery!