Husband needing increasing amount of physical care

You need to look after yourself, no good to him if you are ill, one day a week is nothing compared to how you will feel ... he needs reassurance ... a neighbour who lived on his own after his wife passed away (he had to use a wheelchair as only one leg) he had the chance to go somewhere for a day ... he refused ... meeting people can make all the difference also difference surroundings ... no matter what, you can only do what you can & you need some quality time & down time yourself ... keep us informed please, all the best God bless

Horace have you spoken to your GP as they can organise short term respite care? Also you need social services involved. Have you been referred to the incontinence team? Has your husband been assessed for dementia ? Sorry so many questions but there is help out there you just need to push. Falls unit attached to your local council, community nurse, district nurses and occupational health. All can offer help and support. Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to? If your husband has got a diagnosis of what's wrong with him contact the charity of whatever condition he has they can help .

Unfortunately unless you find out what help you can get no one tells you. But you do need help as your own health will suffer. I hope you get it soon?

I wouldn't persuade him, I would tell him how it is - within reason what is beneficial for both of you

You are much as an adult as he is and he needs to compromise or manage his needs himself w/o you (and realize what kind of help he truly needs)

I am not denying how hard this is on him too, but it cannot be a one way street for his benefit only

You need to look after yourself too, and he must see that if you 'break down', physically, emotionally and mentally, or all 3, he will have to go into permanent care.

A friend of mine has just been through years of this, it is so so hard. Please do come back and tell us how he got on. Sending flowers and hugs x

I tried to persuade him to have a preliminary visit and he refused he has said he will go on Friday to try it. He will be collected and brought back and I said if he really hates it I will collect him. I have looking hard for short term overnight respite care but can’t find any locally. Thank you all for understanding. I will let you know how it goes after Friday.

He is scared but is also a big boy and adapt

Please take care if yourself too.
His needs are significant and will get worse over time.
Please work on a plan where you are not his carer for your own sake

Horace44, you are entitled to a social work assessment of your needs. We were fortunate, the experienced sw involved with my parents encouraged dad to accept respite ‘because your wife is very tired. It will help her rest and be strong to care for you when you get home’
I feel for you. There are so many carers in their 70’s and 80’s and the social care system isn’t fit for purpose

I'm sure you could go with him, and stay until he gets some confidence - just speak to the organisers.
What are the arrangements for getting him there? Will he be collected or will you be taking him yourself?
My father was the same, and once there he was determined to hate it, in fact he refused to go again.
We paid privately for his carer (off the record, between him and us) to go with him and stay for the whole session, joining in the games and other facilities. Dad had made up his mind that it was not for him, and it took several sessions (with the expensive carer) before he started to look forward to his visits.
He got very selfish and downright nasty as time went on and it did cross my mind that he soiled himself on purpose just for the satisfaction of watching us clear up the mess.
I do feel for you Horace and wish you all the strength in the world to cope with this.

Good suggestions from FarNorth. I do hope that your husband can be encouraged to go Horace. A few hours break a week will be really beneficial for you .

Can you explain to your husband how much it would help you to have that small amount of rest each week?
You are caring for his needs and it's only fair that he should care about your needs (unless he has mental problems that mean he doesn't understand.)

Would it be possible for you both to visit the centre beforehand, so he knows what to expect?
And / or for you to go with him for the start of his first day there?