Should i pay- tricky dilemma

I would say firmly that said aged parent can fully afford to buy the relevant equipment for themselves, but chooses not to, so presumably does not want it.

Can the sibling so insistent that your Aged Parent needs the equipment guarantee that, if said parent has it, they will actually use it? You could all be wasting your money on a white elephant.

I have my own experience of buying someone equipment I was convinced someone needed, but they refused to buy for themselves, only for them to leave it in the corner of the room and never use it. They didn't buy it because they had decided they wouldn't use it -and they didn't.

Why not suggest to your sibling that you rent the equipment first from your local Red Cross or similar organisation. Then if your Aged Parent takes to it you can suggest to your parent that they buy one for themselves. if they do not use it the equipment can be returned to the Red Cross.

If your Aged Parent wants to suffer because they are too parsimonious to buy equipment that would help them, then that is their priviledge. I can see no reason why anyone should buy the equipment for them.

I would never contribute to buy something for somebody else on the insistence of a third party that they really want it

I would tell your sibling firmly that you are not prepared to contribute towards something your Aged arent can well afford to purchase for themselves, that the organising sibling cannot guarantee the Aged Parent will use, even if they have it.

I agree with Fleur. Your parents should pay. Good grief wwe have a 5' Tempur dual adjustable bed in our bedroom. We also have a riser recliner chair in our conservatory (bought for me but my husband uses it and I have a recliner chair in the lounge).
My mobility is getting worse and I have a lot of difficulty using the stairs. However as stairs are good exercise I don't want to buy a stairlift. Instead I've made a bedroom downstairs for when getting up/downstairs is causing me too much pain to do it safely. I've got a 3' Tempur adjustable bed which now comes with massage! I also have a riser recliner identical to the other, except for upholstery colour.
I've also had a wall mounted shower seat in our ground floor shower room as I've been stuck in the bath for about 3 hours as my left leg has no strength to push me up to get out of it. I've had a lovely grab rail with a shelf for shampoo etc.
I so wish that I was more mobile but this has got worse over th last 12 months. I'm putting weight on and I asked for a blood test for diabetes to be added to the PMR and thyroid tests. The doctor has phoned me to let me know that I have type 2 diabetes.
Your parents should pay up for their own necessities, which they are if they keep having to contact emergency services. Someone else may need the services more urgently. They aren't being fair to you, your siblings or the emergency services.
This will only escalate as they will need more aids to help them stay at home safely.
Good luck and don't pay anything yourself. Just say that "No! It doesn't work for me."

Nannarose, for equipment, nine times out of 10 you have to go through the Falls Team or the OT so you go through your GP. You are quite right that the Social Services are not the slightest interested if you are self funding unless you ask for a Carer's Assessment. Legally you are entitled to one and when we asked for that, they helped sort out stuff for Mum by putting us in touch with the right people.

I am contributing to this as I am coming at it from the opposite side. I am the parent, have five adult children, three of which are always very happy to contribute towards joint presents, the other two (not particularly hard-up, but at different points in their live), always seem to resent it.

I tend to find out about these family disagreements sooner or later and it makes me very unhappy that I seem to be the cause of these.

These two are the youngest (twins), and both have good jobs, good hubbies, but young children and mortgages, etc. etc. I can quite understand and sympathise with them wanting to spend their money within their own family circle. My oldest child and his wife - both in excellent jobs - have no children, the next one down (with whom I have always been closest) is in a good financial state now (although had some very difficult times in the past as a single mother and I was able to help her out), the third is not such a good financial position, but is close to me and wants to help out.

It has made me very reluctant now to make any comment or request of any high expense items from them all. Would rather have small cheap items, or better still- visits from them.

No way would I want any of my AC to go without something themselves in order to contribute towards something for me.

The OP does need to be absolutely honest with her siblings and with her parents. I am sure they would be horrified if they found out that this was causing problems in the family. As parents, all we really want is to know that our AC and our G,children are having a good life - AND for them to keep in touch and come to visit. Not expensive gifts!!!

Nannarose I believe it was our GP who contacted Social Services . She had more clout. This was in Scotland. However in England, my DM had been in hospital and it was the OTs who made sure she had a hospital bed installed in her own bedroom before she was released home. We were not charged in either case. Thank goodness for the NHS

I am interested in those of you recommending a proper assessment. In principle I agree, but....
Some years ago (in a council area that prided itself on 'efficiency') I asked for an assessment for my mum, in a broadly similar situation.
Social Services asked if we would be funding any equipment ourselves.
"Yes".
"So why are you asking us - you can get recommendations from any of the stores"
"Are there any that you know have qualified staff to give independent assessments?"
"We're not allowed to recommend"
"In that case we would like a professional, independent assessment".

The assessor arrived, and we realised that she was untrained, just ticking boxes - why else would you ask a 75 year old woman with dementia when she last had a cervical smear test?

She made only the same recommendations that we could see for ourselves, and declined to tell us any details that might favour one make over another.

It was a complete waste of everyone's time - apart from my mother, ardent health campaigner telling us all the stories about getting women's health screening up and running!

I agree with Patsy70 NO don't contribute I'm sure your siblings are aware of your situation and you shouldn't be expected to contribute. Inconsiderate of the one sibling to go ahead with the purchase until you had all agreed to share the cost.

Thank you for all the useful information, tips and thoughts, x

I agree that your DP need to be assessed. Both DM and DH were loaned NHS beds when these were required.
DH also had a reclining chair, bath aids, commode etc.
After he died I returned most things but they refused to take back the chair so I gave it away. These things are expensive.

As for your parents not wanting to spend their money: My DMiL is the same. She will turn off the heating and shiver. I get quite cross with her. She's 97 and what is she saving for?

Please don't feel bad about this. Your siblings want to do something but you don't have to join in. You could contact the Social services.

I agree with all previous posters and think there has been some very good advice here.
I would however add that my darling
DIL is a prime example of a culture which strongly believes in the children supporting the parents regardless of their means, and if this is the situation in which you find yourself then may I extend my sympathies for your predicament? Between your guilt as a daughter and cultural pressures you may well be in a very difficult situation.
I’m not asking, btw, just empathising - potentially. Either way, don’t pay & don’t let pressure or guilt control your happiness.

Over the years I have found the following to be a very useful "starting phrase", when needing to make something clear;
"Can I make this absolutely clear, so that there is no misunderstanding....."
Perhaps you need to put something like this in writing for your siblings? (Obviously continuing with your own reasons for NOT contributing to resources for your parents.)

I agree just explain that all families have different budgets and you are not in a position to contribute. “ I too love our parents but cannot afford this”

I agree your siblings are being very unfair expecting you to contribute. Tell them you’re sorry but you can’t afford to help out and as your parents have adequate funds they should be paying themselves although it sounds as though they don’t even want this equipment.

Your parents should have an OT assessment. Following several falls my mother had a home visit from the OT. Within a very short time she had a guard rail put on her bed to stop her falling out, her sofa was raised, she also has a perching stool for the kitchen and a raised toilet seat plus other bits & pieces, all provided on loan following the assessment. Things she has purchased herself impulsively and against our advice include a big ugly reclining chair that cost a fortune and is never used and a curved table on wheels that just clutters the place up & is basically used to store things on. A waste of money and space.
Unless your siblings have some kind of expertise in this area they could easily end up purchasing something that’s is not fit for purpose and will be a total waste of their money.

Surely your siblings, and your parents, must know your circumstances are far different from theirs and I cannot for the life of me think why they would put you in this situation, it is so unkind and thoughtless of them. I would simply tell them you do not have that kind of resource and, if that makes you feel guilty, offer to be available to give practical physical help and assistance as your “contribution”, but personally I don’t feel you should need to. They are being thoughtless and mean minded in their attitude to you and they need to face facts.

Agree with others who s!y shouldn't be getting something like thi@ without a proper assessment. My mother was kent a proper electric bed after being assessdd, it went back to be used by simeind else after she died.
How would your siblings feel if after this arrived your parents were properly assessed and it turned out to be a white elephant
Even for an electric user chair you need to be measured fot, wrong size is not going to help
The proper equipment is so important, baffling around like this can delay getting what they need
They need to be checked over medically to see if there is anything physically wrong that needs dealing with
Been there done that with siblings and it has delayed getting what us needed

Your parents may prefer their own bed. Beds are very personal choices. Although Whereas a walk in shower is almost certainly the best idea.Not many elderly people (include me) can manage getting in and , even more likely, getting out of a bath without serious risk of a fall. There is also the possibility they may get stuck in the bath with no means of getting out. You can’t afford to contribute and it is up to your siblings to sort things out. Of course your parents should be paying. Just tell them that unfortunately there is no way you can contribute. In today’s economic climate this should be perfectly understood. If they have any common sense they will understand that your circumstances are different and your priority is your daughter as your parents can afford things themselves. Trouble is that elderly people don’t tend to want change or disruption.

Theoddbird

I am not being hard here but as they 'don't see the need' then that should be that. The choice has to be theirs. The items should not be purchased by their children. Do stand firm on this...

I agree completely with this. Maybe they don’t want to fork out the money, or they think the system they have in place of ringing 911 is fine. But if they can afford it, they should be paying!

I think you have to set a boundary here with your siblings that you won’t chip in for equipment that they’ve chosen and purchased. It can take a long time for a ‘No’ to sink in so it might take a few conversations for them to accept that ‘no means no’. There’s no need to make excuses for not having the money.

Families can get funny ideas about how much money you have. It’s been a widespread belief among my siblings for years that my husband and I are rolling in money! We’re not - we choose to live within our means, which has meant that money has been fairly tight at times. If, as you say, you’re happy with your lifestyle, and can afford the things you want, it might never occur to them that you might have less disposable income than them. They might need the lesson of ending up out of pocket because you can’t contribute!

thelbg

Thank you for replies. To answer some questions-they can easily afford it, they have substantial savings and big pensions, its that they dont want to spend the money as they dont see the need. But they keep getting stuck in bed or roll out onto the floor, and call 999 for help, the features the bed has would make a genuine difference to their safety and independence. No capacity concerns. Very independent for 90. Its the guilt that i struggle with if i say i cant contribute, but also siblings have never had money concerns, whereas although i am ok, i have never been able to afford luxuries and holidays, (but have a really good life despite this) but i dont think siblings get this. Maybe my contribution could be over a period of a few months. The latest thing is putting in a level access shower as they cant access the bath !!!!!

These items are often available on the NHS and your family should be talking to the Falls Team. I am surprised that this hasn't already been offered if the ambulance has been called several times. As to the bath, there are aids for that too. The Falls team includes an Occupational Therapist who can help the family decide what is needed and can be supplied.

If your parents are of sound mind and choose not to pay for equipment then they obviously don't want it. There is absolutely no reason to contribute and it is rather thoughtless of your sibling not to consult you first before ordering.

Should have previewed, sorry for typos. Hope it makes sense anyway.

My in laws loved with a shockingly bad bed, vile dangerous carpets and an oven where the door was falling off. We paid for a gardener and meals on wheels. They passed away and we found they had £30k in their current account, we had two small children and one income. Old people don’t always know what is what on my opinion. Anyway, they had the right to do as they saw fit, it did make me desperately sad when I saw how much they had whilst we were on our uppers paying for things for them.

Calendargirl

If parents can afford it themselves, then they should buy it.

Other sibling shouldn’t be railroading others to do it.

Don’t contribute.

Maybe different if parents were hard up.

Totally agree here. Don’t do it, it is for your parents to do not your siblings who probably see this a pocket money.

If the parents need the item then they should buy it , like anything else that’s needed . No way would I expect my children to club together to buy something that I need in my old age , where’s their pride ? As they keep rolling out of bed , one day they will do theirselves an injury that needs hospitalisation , then they will wish that they had that new bed . Point this out to them, and let them pay for their own needs , like everyone else has to , even more so as they are wealthy .
Also, if your siblings still insist then just tell them straight that you’ve not the money to contribute like they do, and don’t feel guilty .

thelbg, I remember a sibling suggesting that we all chip in for our mother's care home. She expected £300 a week - more than my income! I just stated, quite clearly, that I was only just managing and had absolutely nothing to spare. 'Don't you have savings?' she asked. Well, no, how could I?

The older I get, the mor obvious it becomes to me that people of wealth/of comfortable financial circumstances, have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be on a tight budget over a long period of time. Spell it out thelbg and don’t contribute x