Petrol money

Yes MOnica It has been an education to me since becoming a grandparent how heavily invested some are in their AC lives.
Our AC do not expect, or take for granted help from us, but of course would know that we would be there if there was an emergency. They respect that we are getting older, and have our own lives, but does not mean we care less for each other.
I guess we all have family dynamics which have developed a set pattern over the years.

That is great how it worked out so well for you and DD Maw.
I have never been asked to help out with childminding though once my DD sounded wistful when telling me how so many of her friends had families nearby or who came long distances to child-mind
I'm not sure my DC even trust me to care for their offspring. I have babysat occasionally but nothing regularly.

DiL's mum seemed to be always caring for those DGC and I said I envied her. "Oh no she said, don't envy me I only have them when they are too sick to send to nursery!"

I think your poor DH should have come first, and your DD & SiL should have paid a childminder - which may have come to more than £140 for more than one child!
I think they thought only about saving money, and did not give a hoot about you or your DH - I'm sorry if this offends you.
I wish luck for your DH's recovery!!

Like many parents it can be hard to admit to AC that we have to count the pennies.
When GS1 was born and D finished maternity leave I was asked how I would feel about going to Birmingham once a week to pick him up early from nursery, do play/tea/bath/bedtime so that D could work late at the office and go in early the next day to clock up some “brownie points” to offset having to stick to more fixed hours the other days. (My SIL was frequently away or on the 6.30 train to London, or back late so unable to guarantee “cover”)
I would also do breakfast etc and take GS into nursery the next morning before driving home. It was 75 miles each way, so about 1 1/2 hours.
At the time I had just retired, DH had been very ill and had to give up work, but was not yet old enough to draw his pension. So we were watching the pennies. Without prompting D and SIL. offered to buy me a car seat for the little one, and pay an amount into my bank a/c to cover the petrol of each week. A daily nanny or childminder would have cost much more and she was also happier leaving her baby with Mum than a childminder.
It worked to our mutual benefit. But when DH became unable to be left on a regular basis, she fully appreciated this had to stop and as they said “our child, our responsibility”.
It’s difficult when this sort of thing has to be pointed out.

How shocking to have to have this nasty situation with DD. They should have given you petrol money before being asked.
Maybe her lashing out at you was to cover her embarrassment at finding herself in the wrong?
You won't make the same mistake again I hope.
Don't be available another time

I don’t think I would have gone if my husband was in hospital.

I would have said I would gladly have them, if they could bring them to me, otherwise they would have to find someone else.

As others have said, two journalists should be better organised with their childcare, and I wouldn’t think they are short of money.

Discussing money is always awkward, peoples expectations vary so much, your children always seem to think you’ll pick up the tab for everything, maybe you need to explain your finances aren’t a bottomless pit.

AC use emotional blackmail because they know it will work and they have probably used it successfully in the past.

I have been on GN since a month or so of its start and i haave learnt a lot and one of the things I have learnt is how much of themselves some parents invest in their children until they become putty in their children's hands.

I brought up my children to be self sufficient and stand on their own feet and not expect DH and I to be prepared to bail them out every time they got into trouble and set them back on their feet again.

I do not mean that they do not know that we will always be there for them if disaster strikes but they know we expect them to do everything they can to sort out their own problems. We are the last port of call in a storm, not the first.

Too many parents seem prepared to jump in at the slightest sign of a problem and they end up with children who expect them to deal with every little problem and get uptight and upset when a parent cannot or will not.

In the case at the top of this thread. i would quite unequivocably have told my children, with regret, that with my husband, their father so ill, he must take priority over them and that in this case, I simply cannot help them and they will have to look elsewhere for help.

But then when DH had his heart attack, and some. It was they who completely reorganised their lives at some inconvenience, to help me and see their father, rather than put themselves first and say it was just before Christmas and they were really busy - and this and that and they would see us in a few weeks time when it was easier.

And again, emotional blackmail put on parents for not playing 100% to their tune.

they need to give you some money to cover your costs, it really isn't unreasonable

The OP doesn't have to spell out her financial situation to her daughter in detail. She could just say, for example, that, apart from their state pension they only have a small occupational pension and that doesn't allow for unexpected expenses like this, especially at the moment when petrol is so expensive and inflation is around 10%.

Her daughter can easily find out what the basic state pension is for herself, and whether that is exactly what they get or not doesn't really matter. it should be enough for her to realise her parent's circumstances.

I would have thought any thoughtful or observant daughter would know roughly what their financial situation was without being told.

I never knew what my parent's retirement income was, nor did I want to, but if I had been asked, I could, after some thought, have hazarded a reasonably accurate figure because I knew what occupational pensions they had on top of their state pension and how long they had worked for the relevant employer.

In future say No.

Very selfish of them.l

FlyingIcarus perhaps your daughter is embarrassed and on the defensive as she had been thoughtless about the cost to you. So she has attacked you unfairly. I hope things calm down but stick to your guns in the case of any future requests.

I entirely agree, Kim, they definitely shouldn’t have to. I certainly wouldn’t want to. But in this case it seems to be the only way of getting the children to understand why the petrol money was requested. They should know how much the State pension is, but perhaps the OP and/or her husband also have private pensions which the children imagine to be much larger than they are. Mine would have been much larger had I not put my trust in Equitable Life (what a misnomer) and I’m by no means alone there.

I really feel for you flyingicarus; all the posters on here are as one voice, your daughter and son-in-law are being inconsiderate and selfish and you should not have to supply financial evidence to back up your request though I totally agree with GSM. It is so hard to back off and signal your upset by not making contact (I'm doing this myself at the moment) but it's the only way to get your message across otherwise you might as well lay down and let them trample over you. You left your husband in hospital in order to help them, keep reminding yourself of that when you feel yourself weaken.

GSM, I think this is the first time I have ever disagreed with anything you have said. I do not think any parent should have to spell out their financial situation to a child. Totally humiliating. This should have been gleaned over the years of just knowing each other. Furthermore, her daughter is a journalist and I cannot imagine any other profession in a better position for knowing our present national and international financial critical state. It should perhaps crossed the daughter's mind that her Mum may be struggling?

How very uncaring and ungrateful of them. With petrol the price it is, filling the car up is difficult for people on a limited fixed income. Perhaps you should explain to them what your income is, and what you have to pay for with it. It’s the only way they will realise your difficulties.

In those sort of jobs they should have had appropriate child care organised years ago, which they’d be paying for.
This is not your fault, they are being very unreasonable and you must be very disappointed as well as upset. I’d let them stew, hopefully they will realise their behaviour is not acceptable and apologise properly.

I'm sorry, your daughter is wrong and inconsiderate.

She should have had petrol money ready to hand you along with her profuse thanks for doing her such an inconvenient favour.

If they where that desperate they could have brought the children to you even if it meant they missed school for a couple of days,they sound very entitled to me I would stand back and let them make contact and apologise

Very difficult and quite awful for you in many ways. I would give them a bit of space and no communication from your direction whatsoever. I find it sad that they have no sensitive awareness of your financial constraints. Asking you to leave your husband without your hospital visit is also extraordinarily thoughtless. Give yourself a breathing space from this and concentrate on your husband. Your heart will be aching but try to keep a clear head. I so feel for you. Good luck and hope you have your husband back home real soon. ?.

Your children are ungrateful and unreasonable. It would have been best to have the conversation about petrol money before you went, but they should have offered without having to be asked anyway.

As for asking you to leave your husband at this time, totally unreasonable and unfair. I'd have said no.

They are being very selfish & unreasonable.

Emotional blackmail. You were covering for them when they were both working - and the children were not being brought to you and collected by their parents. It is entirely reasonable, as you have a limited income, to ask for help with the cost of petrol, es[ecially as it is so expensive now.

I am amazed they even thought of asking you when your husband is so ill and in need of you.

I think you need to start standing up to your children when they make unreasonable demands on you.

I think it was a reasonable request as you have a limited income.
A nanny would cost far more - how do they manage normally?