Bullied grandchild.

Lathyrus a lot of sense in your post. I wish social skills help was available to children who need that extra guidance and advice.

I agree Doodle that autistic children can be hurtful to others but never, in my experience, intending to hurt or belittle. Often the solution is to simply tell them they shouldn’t do a particular thing, not to expect them to work it out for themselves.

One child would ( very gifted artistically) would look at others art work and say That’s rubbish. Which it was by his standards.
Saying it hurts their feelings made no difference. It saying you can think that but you mustn’t say it stopped him immediately.

What’s interesting me is the response of those who are finding all sorts of reasons why this child shouldn’t take responsibility for his actions and who are moving the responsibility for solving the problem onto adults rather than leaving it squarely with him.

I agree he needs help but not to excuses or justify his actions with thinking like “what he did is of no consequence “ “it was a mistake” the child who was bullied will befine”, perhaps he’s autistic and can’t help it.

That won’t help him to change or develop his social skills which seem to be poor. It will only encourage him to continue with the expectations that he can present as the victim and that adults can compel other children to to accept him regardless.

It is doing him no favours at all and leaves the other children with a deep sense of injustice and resentment which ultimately won’t help him either.

The only way to put this right is to help him farce up honestly and with genuine regret to the wrong of what he did. Then the forgiveness that another poster called for can genuinely take place.

Doodle, but they can forge great friendships with other autistic people who get them and find them refreshing.

Lathyrus i think the autism came up early in in the thread when Kircubbin mentioned friendship issues and lacking empathy. I agree about autistic children not bullying but they can say hurtful things due to lack of understanding or even in some cases just telling the truth even if it hurts someone’s feelings. I think one of the saddest things is that so many autistic children are desperate for friends but their own social difficulties put others off them.

I agree Lathyrus. Autistic people can be very empathetic and emotionally very sensitive. Some can also be extremely blunt, which can hurt feelings, but they don't intend it that way. Learning tact can be a challenge but outright targeting someone for bullying, never seen it in an autistic person.

I tend to agree with you Lathyrus. My autistic grandson would not be capable of bullying.He does get bullied but is so sensitive that he would never hurt another child’s feelings. However if he gets physically bullied he will respond in kind but that is another story!

I have worked with autistic children for a number of years and I have * never* known an autistic child to bully another child.
They may not make appropriate responses to other children and come over as uncaring, or they may say inappropriate and hurtful things but fundamentally the intention is never to hurt or harm.

They wouldn’t know how to go about bullying. Bullying needs an understanding of what another person could feel and how to manipulate others as this child tried to do.

So I can’t agree with those who suggest he might be autistic. Not at all.

kircubbin plenty of very bright people are on the spectrum. My daughter deals with a lot of post grad science students and finds most of them are hardly neurotypical.

Surely this problem is for the boys parents to sort out, not your friend! I used to say to my daughter that life was a series of decisions and consequences. Hopefully he will have learned a valuable lesson and if he shows a bit of remorse, (particularly to the boy he was horrible to) then hopefully things will settle down. If not and he continues to be shunned then something else must be going on and the school should be put in the picture.

The longer the situation goes on, the more complicated its likely to be to sort out.

Lesson learned, (the hard way, and probably the best way) but there is no need for it to drag on and on.

easybee I hope you are right about the bullying being stopped quite easily. In my experience it isn’t.

Sounds more to me easybee that he didn’t have any goodwill from his classmates in the first place. If the other boy is popular and the GS unpopular then it was probably a forgone conclusion of what would happen. Kircubbin your friends family could consider autism from some of the comments you’ve made. If he’s not, all well and good and they can try and tackle his manner and behaviour by explaining things to him if he is not neurotypical then the sooner he gets help the better.

The bullying will be stopped quite easily, but the harsh fact is that the child has lost the goodwill of his classmates through his own actions and they will find it hard to trust him. again. They won't continue to gang up on him but he will be isolated until he learns to alter his behaviour and he needs help with this.

The original child who was mocked will be fine as he is very popular and a leader. He has not forgotten the incident.
I think being different has hit the nail on the head. Her gs has always been unpopular ,for example always having to be first in the queue, first to get the teachers approval etc.
I feel sorry for her but have no other advice.

It is quite important to learn forgiveness at a young age as well.

One more thought, what the GS did was wrong but if he is seem as being “different” that may well explain the others reaction to him. Being “different” for any reason is often an excuse for others to gang up against them

Sorry GS not DS

Two wrongs don’t make a right as they say.
The DS was wrong to try and make fun of another. The others rightly didn’t side with him. He is now having stuff made up about him and being ignored or isolated. It may well give him insight into what he has done and make him not do the same again. But it needs to stop now. All of them need help in understanding different forms of bullying and it could help all of them if the subject was tackled at school. The GS needs help in understanding why what he did was wrong .

Your friend needs to tell her grandson that his behaviour was wrong and unkind and he is now suffering the consequences. It is up to him to regain his classmates' trust, and it will not be easy. He doesn't seem to understand how poor his behaviour was, and he may need help to face up to it.

This sort of behaviour is not usual when children go away on school trips; the farther they are from home the kinder they become to each and support those who are finding it hard. One generally sees the best side of their natures.

I wonder how long this has been going on. A short time of being isolated may have had a salutary affect but the making up of stories and a long isolation is unkind so I think teacher intervention might be needed.
If the child has some difficulties with friendships and awkwardness along with a lack of empathy, that may well be sign on autism. Being very bright could be as well! We have several autistic members of our family and they have always been bright, loners who are unable to make or keep friends and certainly lacking empathy especially if they think the person who they are helping aren't following what they think they should do!

I would like to know what stories and if they are truly made up

Anyway... I hope the child who was homesick is ok and I am glad there was so much support

But the other children making up stories about him is most definitely bullying and needs to be tackled. And if they are doing it as a group it’s even worse, and they need to learn that their behaviour is unacceptable. This whole situation needs to be tackled quickly.

I’m afraid I still don’t like the language used that minimises or excuses his actions or seeks to blame the other children and paint them as the bullies and him as the victim.

Let’s be clear. He bullied another child and expected others to join in with him.

Until the adults in his life face up to the reality of that and work with him on that basis he is unlikely to change. If he sees that adults will defend him he is very likely to continue with similar behaviour.

The other children did not “turn on him”. They showed very clearly that they disliked his behaviour and wanted nothing to do with it. As they are continuing to not want his company then I assume he has done nothing to show that he regrets hurting another child other than it is now unpleasant for him.

I was quite shocked when one poster said that what he had done was “of no consequence”. It will have had enormous and damaging consequences for the child he bullied.

Does he need help. Absolutely. Should any bullying of him be tackled. Of course.

Is not wanting his company bullying? I don’t think so. As I said before, the hard work of change must come from him for the other children to feel comfortable in his company. They may well be thinking he will watch out for their vulnerabilities to use and be wary of him.

We wouldn’t want them to be forced into that position and made anxious because adults require it of them. Would we?

Shelflife no you are not alone in your thinking!

Germanshepherdsmum

Serves him right. Now he knows how it feels. He seems an unpleasant boy, old enough to know better.

Oh for goodness sake, yes he made a big mistake, he hs a big lesson to learn but he is young and still learning!

Not an excuse for you Germanshepherdmum, you don't sound very pleasant yourself in that post!