Distance issue

Hi Lizzie
Your original message asked how you could hide your hurt feelings.
Most replies have been advice re your husband, your dog, and your decisions!
I moved closer. I didn’t want, or expect to live in my adult child’s pocket and was determined to be independent. I have done this; not easy by yourself but I was determined not to be a burden wherever I lived. I also have a child and grandchildren abroad and like to try and treat both of my children and all my grandchildren similarly. Covid certainly hasn’t helped with this.
Four years later the child here complains I’m “never” available when they want to slot me into their busy lives. I have learnt to hide my feelings regarding not seeing much of them and simply say “You’re always welcome to drop in and I love to spend time with you but if you leave it to the last minute ….”
However, I don’t regret the move and, having had parent who lived three hundred miles away, it is much easier when they are closer and you can meet for a cuppa rather than having to stay over in either home.
Enjoy your move; well done on the property sale and hope you soon settle and the move is successful for you, your husband and your family. It won’t make your daughter any different so don’t be disappointed there. Just try and take pride in that you’ve brought her up to be a successful person.

It seems like you’re going ahead with the move - so hope that all goes well for you. I think I would do the same in your position … esp. given the problems with your husbands health, driving distance difficulties, being closer to your family etc -and with already having friends in the area too. Unfortunately I have to get on a plane to see my dgc!
But I do think you need to be realistic about your expectations of your daughter when you do move and look at it from her point of view too. If you are worried about your husbands health and your children’s behaviour, you need to be letting them know what’s going on so they know the whole story, then they can appreciate where you are coming from - not to guilt them into doing something - but to decide for themselves how they will deal with the situation and adapt their lives. Your children are adults.
I’ve always found open, honest, - and realistic, dialogue works best … both with family - and with ourselves to work out where our motivation for our feelings and emotions comes from.
I wish you all of the best x

Thank you Loopy Loo! We have, in fact sold our house STC and we’ve found somewhere. Yes! I’m seeing it as an adventure and I’m ready to take it on. I have lots of hobbies so I’m not that needy. My concern was about my husbands health recently and as he hasn’t seen his grandchildren since July

I don’t quite get why OP posted in the first place about the length of the journey to her daughter’s etc etc if the house is sold STC anyway. What is the problem?

I think you sounds settled on the move, but your husband agree with the move idea? It's a case of balancing the positives over the negatives in terms of what you can control as a result of the upheaval. What about your husband's friends and interests in a new location? How old and you both, and how old are the grandchildren as in a few years time they may be able to visit unaccompanied if you move closer. ?

Working mums in demanding jobs have competing demands and their lives are very stressful. Try not to add to their stress levels but do talk through your move proposals and expectations , as if you see them e.g having a future carer role, they might not realise this. There's no guarantee that they won't move again at some point for their jobs either.

I’ve known too many friends who have moved near their family. Can’t think of any where it’s been a dream.
Face time is my savour. Texting the children when they’re old enough.

Hithere,agree with you totally.Where on earth do all these needy people come from?

Its hard but I think we have to accept that when we had children growing up at home, we were very focused on them and on our work (or focused on our life at home to care full time for the children) and had little time for much else. We did of course connect with our parents and those connections will have differed for all of us. But it's natural for a mother or father with dependent children to have less time for the older generation - and I don't think we should take that as not caring about us. We have to recognise their different focus and make our own lives with whatever connection is possible with the younger generations. Also, as others have said, we don't help ourselves if we ruminate on all this - turn it over and over in our minds. We help ourselves if we say to our children, calmly and without accusations, what we would like to happen and ask if there is a way ahead which works for them and us. At all costs let us not see ourselves as victims - that is the way to make sure we suffer, and it gets in the way of strait forward conversations and good relationships with our children.

'you may have to choose between your pet and your family' how harsh. When my mum was widowed ..and wanted more and more of me and family I wished that she had a pet for emotional support. I now have two dogs and it certainly is used as an excuse by my DIL why I can't visit my grandchildren. But really its an excuse. DIL doesn't like dogs...though she did when she was being courted
My dogs give me so much emotional support since I have lived alone and work from home. Plus fun and exercise and healthy living and I am not needed by my son's family. Although at first it caused me much heartache. We share loving messages and videos...it's enough. I send money and presents to the kids often and they visit a couple of times a year...three if I'm lucky. I too cannot do the long car journey on busy motorways anymore, too stressful and I have a condition (an aneurysm) which makes it very advisable to avoid unnecessary stress. So I feel I come into the 'choosing my dogs (cats have autonomy, dogs don't) over my grandchildren' ...harsh and unkindly judgemental. I only wish that dogs lived longer.

It needs careful consideration. You need to do what is best for you and your husband. I wouldn’t take much notice of negative responses, we are all different. It can feel very restricting when your children live such busy lives. Just don’t do anything you may regret. I’m sure you will make the right decision for your family

It sounds as if your move is what you and your daughters want and is well on its way to completion. You are constructively helping the situation to try and make a happier life for you all.
I too say go for it.
I understand the hurt when our children seem too busy for us, but from my experience, with two daughters at opposite ends of the country and both raising families and coping with busy and demanding careers I have learned to settle for what we can all manage to do to speak with and see each other. I don't drive now for various reasons and used to travel by train with a senior rail card. I used to see my grandchildren a lot but don't so much now. Severe arthritis makes it difficult for me to travel. I find that we pick up where we left off when we do see each other, but I do sometimes wish that we lived closer to each other - I indulge in a bit of a yearn but would not like to make the choice of which daughter I would move nearer to.
I hope your move goes well and that you all find some tranquillity from being nearer. It seems to me that you will all benefit.

AnDI - what a good idea! My Parents used to take a cottage on the Gower and various members of the family would descend.

I’ve only got one child and he’s good at keeping in touch but I always try to be really upbeat and positive with him. I try to be grateful for any contact as I know they live incredibly busy lives. You are being really proactive about your situation and I wish you well.Try to think of any extra contact as a bonus and carve an independent life out for yourselves. Good luck!

Definitely make the move and hopefully things will improve as you're closer to hand. Try not to dwell too much on what things are like now & look forward to the move nearer to them x

Oh god the OP’s post reminded me of how I was with my parents when I was working. They were always in my mind but I didn’t see them regularly. They had their own lives and I had mine. Now they are both dead, since 2017 and 2018, after 4-5 years in a care home, I miss them terribly and wish I had visited more when they were healthy. Clearly part of the human tragedy, for some people at least.

I don’t usually comment on here but just wanted to say, I feel your pain. We live a similar distance from our loved one but very close to the other two. The family that live 4 hrs away also have two younger children and I am anxious we should be in their lives whilst young enough to want us. We hire a cottage for three months in the village where they live, a win win situation. They can see as much of us as they would like but we can come home back to Blighty. It’s not for everyone but works for us. Good Luck, I’m sure you are very loved.

Do you have to live in your partners pocket why can’t you jump on a train and visit your family. Leave him to dog sit I would hate to drag a miserable old man with me. You probably need a break

Hi to LizzieBl and Namsnanny - first of all, Namsnanny there's no need for you to wonder where you went wrong, life is just more stressful for younger people with small children now than it ever was. Secondly, LizzieBl, there's lots of sensible comment on this thread about not moving closer to adult children because they may move or not want to increase the time you see them etc, but I want to add a positive - my daughter asked us to move 300 miles closer to her and our sil when it became obvious where their careers were and that they intended to raise a family. We went for it, took my elderly mother and have had the joy of seeing our gcs from the day they were born and of being very involved and happily so in their lives. Yes, it has to be a gamble but if you open up a frank dialogue about what a move would look like you may have more information as to whether it's feasible. As for your dog, for the moment, there are plenty of air bnbs that allow you to take a dog. Otherwise do you have a good friend who will dog sit for you for a few weekends a year while you make the trip to see your grandchildren and can focus on them. Good luck.

So sorry you feel you've been harassed after asking for advice but I do think there's a lot of wise words on this thread even though maybe at the moment you're too upset to appreciate them.
I do understand about the driving aspect, my husband was always a much better driver than passenger and after he became ill I did drive him a few times but he was nervous and I was even worse. Even a short journey that would not have usually bothered me got me really nervous and I know I drove dreadfully which made both of us even more anxious, perhaps it's the same for you?
I would definitely think very carefully about moving home as others have said but wish you all the best.

Gabrielle56

I'm torn about whether I should be ashamed to say it but here goes: sometimes I wish I'd never bothered having children, the utter pain heartbreak and desolation they've dumped on me has destroyed any thoughts of a happy twilight existence and all I can see is a long lonely wait for the final curtain call.. there I've said it.

I really hear your pain Gabrielle and wish you peace...

My advice would be instead of putting up different posts on the same subject maybe talk to your daughter about your feelings and fears since many ppl have replied to your many posts myself included and obviously our advice isn’t helping your question so maybe talk to your family

I'm torn about whether I should be ashamed to say it but here goes: sometimes I wish I'd never bothered having children, the utter pain heartbreak and desolation they've dumped on me has destroyed any thoughts of a happy twilight existence and all I can see is a long lonely wait for the final curtain call.. there I've said it.

Ammo domino
Interesting you should say that as it has crossed my mind of course. But then I think he was always more considered than me. I’m more impulsive, but on the case and everything I do is fast. My daughters would call me fierceness but I don’t drive fast, just faster than him.

Op,

You wonder why you posted in GN

People who knows us tend to agree with us or have similar mentality

Posting in an open forum removes that protective cocoon of sometimes blind support and validation, ignoring aspects that should be mentioned

I think it is brave you opened the thread and wish you the best

Lizzie B1, I understand your anxiety about your husband. You say that, since Covid, he has lost confidence in driving. Previously, when he was, himself, a confident driver, was he even then a 'back-seat' driver? I think you are also implying deeper worries about him and I wonder if he is displaying anxious behaviour in other aspects of daily life. Would it help you to have a word with your GP if he is a more anxious person than he used to be.
You don't say how old you both are, or how old your daughter is. If she is of an age to be going through the menopause, this could account for her less than attentive attitude. A demanding job, children and husband - a hefty load at any age.
Like others, I would recommend travelling by train (which I do) but recognise the problem of your elderly dog. He, poor thing, is a massive stumbling block.
You want to manage your 'negative feelings' about your daughter. I know this sounds self-righteous, but I like the old adage that if you feel negative about someone, you should 'walk a mile in their shoes'.

My Dad (91) moved to our town nearly four years ago. My Mum had died a few months before and he wasn't coping at all.
He's now fifteen minutes away rather than nearly four hours away.

I've found social activities for him locally and persuaded him to go, which he enjoys after a bit of reluctance at first.
We can pop in for just an hour after work rather than it taking a whole weekend to visit.

It's been a good decision and we're all happy he moved.

LizzieB1 you sound very realistic and well organised for a successful move ?

I’ve just been through a really terrible time with my dog but he survived the operation I’m pleased to say! He’s 12 now and he’s been my faithful loyal companion every day all these years. I’ve never had a dog before and I hadn’t realised how much joy they bring to your life. I just can’t leave him now with anyone that doesn’t know him. Thankfully my younger daughter takes after me in our love for animals and she will do anything to help. Maybe I should concentrate on her a bit more.