Distance issue

Oh, forgot to say that I have also decluttered nearly everything! Clothes have gone to charities, the rest is up for sale and old unwanted memorabilia has been chucked! It was so cathartic!

Thank you Loopy Loo! We have, in fact sold our house STC and we’ve found somewhere. Yes! I’m seeing it as an adventure and I’m ready to take it on. I have lots of hobbies so I’m not that needy. My concern was about my husbands health recently and as he hasn’t seen his grandchildren since July!

Thank you SO much for your understanding and for anyone else reading this I don’t let him drive but I cannot bear the running commentary any longer. Many men are like this and I’m not alone. It is his pride and joy and as he’s lost his mobility pretty much and that must be hard for a competitive sportsman. He is, however, quite easy to live with in other respects.
And yes I take your point about the dog
but my dog is very well behaved and doesn’t jump up on furniture but perhaps I expect her to love animals as much as I do!

LizzieB1.
Go for it . Move nearer your daughters. You say you have friends in the area. Not something that will happen overnight so start on the adventure now.
Many of us deal with somewhat difficult husbands and I know driving can be an issue.
Start decluttering and looking for a house. Although the market's in turmoil at the moment.
A technique I use with driving is to say I need to drive at times to keep up my confidence. Which is true. Try to persuade him to take it in turns.
Or even better go by train. Perhaps buy a senior travel card.
Wishing you all the best.

Ginster if her daughter is a very busy lady as Lizzie said will she want a ‘popping in situation what if her job changes and she has to move or their whole living situation changes Is it really wise to uproot yourselves in old age to follow your children Personally I don’t want my children to have that on their shoulders
This is not meant rudely but that is a bit of a fairy tale ‘happy ever after’ post Ginster and life just isn’t like that well not in my experience anyway ?

Choose between your pet & your family ? Yes family come first , but , what do you do when you only see your family once or twice a year ... to me this was harsh ... a pet is family ... unless you mean put in kennels for a few days or someone trust worthy to look after your dog ... think long & hard before you move ... do you really want to move ? Will you see them more, or will they want to see you more ? Doesn't mean you will who knows ... how would you feel if you gave up your dog ... devastated also would make you ill with worrying ... harsh as it seems ... you can choose your friends not your family ... hope everything sorts itself out for you ... you could keep things as they are & hope & pray eventually you will see them more ... all the best ... God bless

Out weigh not out way ?

Lizzie - I think all the pro ‘s for moving out way the no’s.

You will be close by if needs be (either way).
You have friends there already.
Your DD’s will be relieved not to have to travel far especially if you or Dh is I’ll.
you can pop in to see them even if it’s just for half an hour and they can pop in to see you.
No arrangements to be made for elderly dog.
No expensive air b and b’s.
It’s a no brainier. Go for it! And all the best to you.

Hi Lizzie and welcome even if you didn’t get the answers you expected and I m afraid I m not going to be much better
You don’t say your ages but first
your husband should NOT be on the road Get those keys away… if someone is not confident and making mistakes and been unwell they should NOT be driving
Second if you stay on here long enough you will find Hithere is always blunt (sometimes harsh is the only word) with no soft button to everyone she answers

Adult children should be able to get on with their lives independent of failing parents, and moving in old age just to see more of them seems over the top in my mind If you have a good relationship with them how will it improve if you’re nearby Your daughter is very busy with a demanding job…. will it all change when you’re nearby ? she ll just have more to do making sure you’re invited over looked after etc etc
and you ll feel more hurt because she ll be nearby but have no more time for you both than before ….you say you want to see more of your grandkids you don’t say their ages but certainly from about 10 onwards even if you live in the same street
you ll not see much of them …..that’s life

I think the train is a great idea

Good luck but be very very cautious of moving
Ideally adult children need to live their own lives their own way but I do wish you well

I’d just like to say that this is my first experience bearing my soul to the public. Overall some of you have raised some very valid points which have been constructive and left me with food for thought but some have been unnecessarily rude! So its probably not a good idea to seek advice from people who don’t know you. Maybe I should have listened to the Queen’s advice and just kept kept quiet.

Many parents fail to understand that once their children move out and begin their own families that family becomes the priority. Parents are bound to play second fiddle to the busy lives and stressful jobs of their offspring. Mine did and never accepted it.

I agree,too. Stay put if you are happy where you are. Children have a nasty habit of moving and you could get stranded in a strange environment. One of my daughters doesn’t do phone conversations,either. It is just how she is and nothing personal and this is possibly the same for yours.

In your situation I really would stay put. Moving closer may well present problems - may not pan out as you expect! As for your DH attitude to your driving........!! I really would find that very difficult to deal with. If you stay put I recognize your problem is not solved. It does appear though that when you do visit it is inconvenient for both daughters. I don't wish to sound harsh and fully recognize you love your dog and if being in kennels/ using a dog sitter is not appropriate then quite simply you stop at home . You can't expect your DD to accommodate your dog if she is uncomfortable with that nor should you expect your other DD to sleep on the couch. Think carefully about your expectations and give some thought about how it would be if you moved - the grass is rarely greener on the other side. Be happy where you are , communicate online and don't strive for something that may not have the positive effect you want. Good luck and enjoy where you are.

Making "silly mistakes" when driving is absolutely not acceptable and thoroughly dangerous for you and other people on the streets! He should not be driving at all for goodness sake. There are places to be tested for driving ability as you get older. Perhaps you could investigate that. About a year and a half ago an elderly driver in Edinburgh mistakingly shot out a side street, crashed into a shop front and badly injured a mother and killed her 3 year old son standing in front of the shop. The driver died during the time she was waiting to go to court. It seriously dangerous to allow someone making mistakes to drive! I do sympathise about driving with a commentary though as I do but I ignore it because we would be dead by now if I had paid any attention. to it!

So there is no need for further comment

Hi there,
Thank you but I feel you have made your point strongly enough

OP

You settle for too low - the way your husband treats you is unacceptable

I hope it is limited to just driving

Adult children are equally busy - whether they are sons or daughters
Your double standard is dangerous

Perhaps I’m mixing with the wrong people but most of my friends seem to have very close relationships with their daughters as I did with mine. I’m not saying I don’t have a good relationship with mine but it’s hard when you don’t see much of them. Sons are different I agree as I’ve heard most are lousy at keeping in touch. But really I don’t need to speak to them every day, heaven forbid, or even every week but now we are getting older we just don’t know what’s around the corner. It’s nice to feel valued and needed occasionally (but not every week!)
Regarding my husband I’m afraid he’s never going to change. There’s only so long he’s going to sit there with his fists clenched to the seat and it’s not as if I’m not a good driver. He just expects me to drive very very slowly.

You do get a variety of comments on here but please don’t let it upset you. As we’re all anonymous it’s easy to be blunt, and pass a few comments you wouldn’t say to a close friend.

Varying comments will help you to see various points of view.
Do think about them.
Some will be irrelevant as no one knows all the ins/outs of a relationship or situation.
I’ll be blunt too-
Tell your husband you’re not driving him anywhere unless he shuts up! Ban him from making comments while you’re driving- stop the car if he does.

Moving nearer to children- do it if you want to for your own happiness & ease of visiting.

Don't try to pressurise family to visit/phone/text more often. Resentment will follow. Accept what they give. Issue a few invites yourself.

Get busy with new activities, friends or holidays but make space for them if you can.

Think we all need to “let go” as adult children set up their own lives. Try not to expect too much from them & then you won’t be disappointed!

LizzieB1 I think Hithere was playing devil's advocate rather than ticking you off as such.
If your plans are sound it should all help confirm your decision.

From what you say the whole family is in favour of you moving, and you have friends as well in the area.
If your husband's health is worrying you then the sooner you move the better.

Hello Lizzie, after reading your most recent reply I must say that the main blockade for visiting appears to be your husband. Yes the distance is hard but it would be much easier if your husband decided to keep quiet and have faith in your driving, so much easier that, who knows, maybe you wouldn’t mind driving there more often.

I do think you moving closer will actually help quite a bit regarding what I mentioned above, however your husband’s behavior will always make it difficult. I mean no offense to you or him, however it is in his locus of control to stop acting as a blockade to your happiness. He really should put whatever it is that leads him to actively and frequently comment and nitpick your driving aside for your sake, his own wife for crying out loud. It isn’t to much to ask, not even close.

Hi there,
This is the first time I’ve used Gransnet and whilst I welcome advice I didn’t think I’d get a good ticking off! Well maybe it’s given me something to think about if it hasn’t made me feel any better!

It’s just becoming more and more untenable. No amount of trying to get my husband to shut up is working so unless I go on my own it’s going to be a stressful journey.
Regarding the house, we are happy to downsize and we have good friends in the area but it’s still a big move. Most of my friends understand my motives but the real concern for me is the distance now and worrying about my husbands health. I don’t want to worry my daughters but I’m anxious about him.

Lizzie I do think that you need to discuss with your husband re keeping quiet if he can't safely do the driving anymore! It's not fair for you to suffer a running commentary, and he should get that under control for both your sakes!

However, that is not the issue here really. The issue for you is moving nearer and hoping that that will resolve some of your hurt and upset. I think if all are happy, moving is a perfectly reasonable idea. but I do think you need to be careful not to expect more from the move than might be forthcoming.

No, as a woman, a man putting my driving down because he lost his confidence is something I do not tolerate