Daughter in law uncomfortable with people holding her baby .

When I was a first time Nana I took advice from friends who already had Grandchildren. As a result, I only gave advice when asked and took my lead from my daughter and son in law as to what they wanted doing or not doing.
Incidentally, welcome to the best club in the world !

Good advice franbern.
Supporting and loving the parents will benefit everyone.

A very precious baby - Yes, I know most babies are precious, but with a history of miscarriage and then going through the whole trauma of IVF, this is very special.

Obviously, your DiL is going to be intense and nervous. With my first baby, I was totally convinced he was deaf and even got him referred at a few weeks old to a specialist. Nothing of the sort, just me being totally neurotic.

The best way of helping is to ask what jobs around the house you can do, ironing, meal planning/preparing, shopping, window cleaning, grass cutting. Let the new parents just enjoy these first magical months with their first, previous baby.

Congrats on being g.parents, just enjoy it.

Your DIL has experienced trauma and loss on her journey to motherhood. That didn’t vanish when her son was born. And, there’s still a pandemic happening. It’s completely understandable, imo, that she’s protective of her child.

And the thing of it is, holding baby by visitors is solely for the visitor’s benefit. Baby has no object permanence. It doesn’t bond with anyone but it’s caregivers for the first while.

So, Mom isn’t harming baby in the slightest by not allowing people to hold baby for extended periods.

Give her support and understanding, and things will work out.

Whoops! Sorry. I mean your grandson!

When my Aussie GD was born (first, and only child, from a donor egg, IVF, mum 42) I was told that I had to have a German Measles jab before I flew over to visit. There was a bit of an epidemic going on at the time. I knew that this was an extreme reaction, but went along with it, just to keep her happy. I understood just how protective they were feeling about their special child.
The Covid epidemic has possibly had the same effect in your situation. They're probably worried about you passing on an infection. At least you are being allowed to visit. Just go with the flow, and accept whatever ground rules the parents are laying down. They will relax as they grow in confidence, and the baby grows older. My DD laughs, now, at how intense she felt when the baby first arrived, but I can understand why she behaved so protectively.
I'm sure that, in a little while, you will get lots of cuddles and be much more involved with your granddaughter. Be patient.

There is no way she will be going back to work in November!! And yes, sitting in the dark with no noise all the time is unhealthy and unnatural. Ask any health worker

Tergly

Fleurpepper

I agree! It is not abnormal to want to hold a grandchild. Most babies get held by all members of the family. I wonder if there is some underlying pnd.

... I had no postnatal depression and even with baby 5 I didn't really want anyone to hold them other than me or their father and, in retrospect was probably very mean with them. I loathed having "help" from anyone unless I had specifically asked for help too Edith81 - so whilst you liked that and probably encouraged it , I most certainly didn't.

I felt my husband and I were a "team" and could cope with anything and everything.
I know I am super-lucky that we have weathered everything so far.
If I had my time again I might allow my mother more "baby holding" but at the time I honestly couldn't think why she needed to.

I have never asked to hold my grandchildren. I have offered help and backed off if not required. I have cooked "ready meals" and am always available in an emergency and often have grandchildren over "to play".

I make a point of regularly telling my daughter-in-law what a great mum she is (and yes, she really loves her little ones), but I know she feels she sometimes thinks she isn't kerping all the balls in the air at once.. I hope, and believe, I support their little family from a respectful place.

All families are different. When we become grandparents we have no idea how our offspring will parent.
We should be led by them.
We have had our "turn" with our own babies.
I think, bonbon you will soon learn the best way to support your dear little family in the way that suits them best

Mediterranean side of my family all just dive-bombed cuddles on babies, young people and old. Not so much the British side. Guess you just have to go with the flow. Child will soon be older and have her own opinions!

And 2 miscarriages, bah that's nothing. Try 13!!! (I don't mean offence here, but generally speaking most women will have at least one throughout their lives).

If you have 13 miscarriages Ali then I am very sorry. That must be very painful to have gone through. As would be one miscarriage. The pain is not made greater or reduced by the numbers!

tickingbird

^Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?^

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

Couldn't agree more. I want to hold my grandchildren and luckily my son and DIL want me to build that close bond as they do the other grandparents. I think it's a natural desire and wonder at those who dont have that and can't understand the OP's point. I wouldn't force it if it wasn't offered but would still want to cuddle my grandchildren. Agree about getting on with normal routine but I guess it's really difficult when it's been so hard getting there.

Ali08 my brother and sil insisted on no noise when their young children were asleep. We weren’t allowed to go into the bathroom, never mind flush the loo! Yes it seemed a little over the top at the time but we went along with their rules and my niece and nephew are both strapping teenagers with no scars from the silence.

Ali08

I'd have a chat with them, tbh. Especially about the light and the silence!
Babies need to know the sounds of the hoover and doorbell, the sounds of people going about their daily routines. They also need light, whether natural or lighting inside.
If you speak only to your son, she may take it badly, so speak to both of them but keep it calm and remind them you're concerned about all of them!!
They're bound to make mistakes with a first born.
They're going to trust a nanny, so they should start that trust with you and her own family!
And 2 miscarriages, bah that's nothing. Try 13!!! (I don't mean offence here, but generally speaking most women will have at least one throughout their lives).

I think you will find that a barrier goes up if you follow this advice. It certainly goes against everything New Mums will have learned about setting the boundaries, etc. Many new mums will have had information at their finger tips which we never had so it doesn't follow they are bound to make mistakes. Of course Grandmothers who have done it all before and know everything might be completely out of date with the current research and are as likely to make mistakes.
As for the amount of miscarriages somebody might have had, what a completely crass statement. No woman is a statistic without feelings.

Ali08 I'd have a chat with them, tbh. Especially about the light and the silence!
Babies need to know the sounds of the hoover and doorbell, the sounds of people going about their daily routines. They also need light, whether natural or lighting inside.
If you speak only to your son, she may take it badly, so speak to both of them but keep it calm and remind them you're concerned about all of them!!
They're bound to make mistakes with a first born.
They're going to trust a nanny, so they should start that trust with you and her own family!

NO, just no. Follow that advice only if you want to be estranged and wonder why -- because "I did nothing wrong".

Had it the worst.. autocorrect

Ali08

You meaning nooffense with your post doesnt mean it is offensive

Every miscarriage is traumatic, 1, 2 or 13

This is not a competition of whom had it been worst

The parents are going to trust whomever they pick, not grandma just because of the dna link

Ali08 goodness me, I hope the op doesn’t take your advice, I think it will be a one way stop to being shut out from the grandchild’s life. ?

I'd have a chat with them, tbh. Especially about the light and the silence!
Babies need to know the sounds of the hoover and doorbell, the sounds of people going about their daily routines. They also need light, whether natural or lighting inside.
If you speak only to your son, she may take it badly, so speak to both of them but keep it calm and remind them you're concerned about all of them!!
They're bound to make mistakes with a first born.
They're going to trust a nanny, so they should start that trust with you and her own family!
And 2 miscarriages, bah that's nothing. Try 13!!! (I don't mean offence here, but generally speaking most women will have at least one throughout their lives).

tickingbird
Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

I agree with this. There are some very really nasty comments on here. I’ve noticed it about other subjects too especially anything political. Be kind or say nothing for goodness sake!

Interact with the baby

Please do not insinuate a mother has ppd because other people doesnt interact the baby they way they want

It doesnt go well and backfire easily

Congratulations on your first grandchild. Of course it’s normal to want to hold them. It sounds like your dil is very anxious. My daughter was on medication for about a year after having twins, for her anxiety. She was very protective and over diligent about hygiene. 4 years ago. She’s so laid back now.

Out of interest is she the same when her own friends and family are around?

Grrr precious not previous !!

We went through something a little bit similar to this with my step-daughter, although right from the first time we met our gorgeous grandson she happily asked would we like a cuddle and passed her previous bundle to us. He’s now just coming up to 8 and this past summer holidays he came and stayed with us for three nights alone for the first time, though right from around 2 years we were able to take him out alone for the day and see them regularly and have shared several holidays.

Completely understand both sides of this story, including Granny’s disappointment. Give it time, it’s early days - good luck x