Child taking things what should I do?

Are the toys she took specifically her toys, or are they owned in common by the three children?

If they are her toys, I feel she should be allowed to take them with her, and that as this is the first time she had been allowed to visit you for a long time and the whole situation is upsetting for her I would not make too much of the fact that she had asked, been told no, and took them all the same.

I agree with those that say that an unhappy child may well be stealing to deal with a situation that she had no control over.

Lock all money away next time the children come, and jewellery too to prevent more pilfering.

Accusing anyone of theft is a very dubious process unless you can absolutely prove that the money was taken by the child you are accusing - her sisters were there too, remember. Is it absolutely certain it was the eldest girl that took the money?

Why are you so certain of this? Could it not just as well be one of the other children?

Is there not the remotest possibility that you spent that money and have forgotten that you did so? Or that someone else, like an adult who had access to your home, nicked a couple of quid?

My mother routinely accused my sister of taking money out of our mother's purse, which my sister both at the time and as a grown woman swore she had never done. And I was never able to see why she should lie to me about it, if she was telling a lie when she said she had not stolen anything.

Long after I was grown up, my mother accused a visitor to my flat of having taken money from my mother's handbag - fortunately only to me, but she quite ignored the fact that she had left her handbag on the outside door-step to my flat while fetching other things from her car. When I pointed this out to her, she replied that if a thief had taken the money, he would have taken her wallet as well. Reasonable enough, you may feel, but I said that surely applied to the visitor of mine she was accusing as to anyone else.

I feel you will only make the difficult situation worse if you mention this matter to your son. If it should happen again, then I agree, you will need to, saying that you had missed money today too, but had not been completely certain that any of the three children could have taken it.

As the other little ones are visiting with the older child,if you are going to take the advice from the grans I feel it would be in every one’s interest if you get a little gift for the younger two.

I am sure you would just thought that but you are so worried about the older child,it just might slip your mind.
IMO the advice given to you is excellent advice
Hope all goes well for you and the children.It can be very difficult with grandchildren and in my case great grandchildren
their little feelings are very tender.

Our grandkids have toys here, but if they want to take something home with them, it's allowed. Pr bably she did it so that she will have something of her very own; it's an awful feeling, being a stepchild, when you feel you are being sidelined, even though you aren't - so she took what you told her not to, and then other stuff, just because she could.

Lots of good advice and compassion here.
I think you're handling it really well. What a lovely grandma you are.

I agree with BlueBelle that she has a need to keep something of yours because she doesn't know when, or if, she will be allowed to see you again, and probably chose the dolls house toys because they were special to her too and was worried she might not see them again.

Septimia's suggestion is perfect. Give her a small special item that she can keep with her whenever she needs it, perhaps one of the toys or something of yours. I'm sure she will treasure it.

Playing with and restoring your dolls together is a great idea. I have seen that children role play with a dolls house and often reveal their thoughts, feelings and worries as they play. It can be a good emotional outlet for them.

You could also treat your toy collection a bit like a toy library, so if she wants to take something home with her she can, but return it on her next visit and swap it for something else. We do this with our youngest GC and things are usually returned unless they've been lost amongst their mountains of toys at home!

I hope you're able to see your GC again very soon and perhaps more regularly. They need you.

I really don’t think this is the big thing you think it is. All my grandkids want to take things home with them at any age . I let them take them for sleepovers. If these thing are too precious to you, or played with by other grandkids visiting why not pop into a charity shop / car boots sale and get her a couple of things she can take home with her. Make her feel a bit loved and special. Poor child has been used as a weapon by the sound of it, used as part of a game. is it any wonder she isn’t sure of the rules ?

I used to do this as a child. The only stable influence and place I felt loved was at my grandparents house. I alway brought the items back the next time I visited. I guess I wanted to take some love home with me. To remind me that I was loved as I was/ am.
There’s some really good journals available on Amazon for pre teens that discuss feelings, mindfulness etc. maybe she would find it helpful to take home and use. Then her problems are out- if you see what I mean.

If it were me I would not leave it too long before broaching the subject of taking your things without permission being unacceptable to you and wont be tolerated if it happens again. It hurt your feelings so she has to know that. However it an obvious attention tactic so take time to spoil her a bit and give her something she knows you treasure to take home reminding here you are giving it to her because she is special to you and you hope she will treasure it too.
Our Step grandaughter went through a stage of being really quite horrid and we found she needed a lot of reassurance that she was loved as much as our biological grandchildren. Even conversations about my parents and my childhood made her feel as she didnt have that link to our family history she couldnt be loved as much as her sisters who were. So sad and simply untrue. All loved ewually despite being very different individuals.
I dont think many of us in general talk enough to children about their feelings. I learnt that...Maybe we can all learn a thing or two from posts like this.

It's so good that you are treating this situation with kindness and understanding. A similar situation in a family I know caused a rift that lasted many years because the adults involved were so horrible and sided against the family and so did the child's Grandma! Caused untold damage to the family and the child. ?

I was thinking about her needing something of you with her. I gave GD something very simple - a polished stone - and told her that she could take it with her. She did carry with her to school once or twice, I know, although I don't know if she still does. It was hers, anyway, to keep. Similarly, if I was going to an exam or somewhere I was nervous about, my mum would lend me one of her hankies. Perhaps you could do something similar so that she knows that the item carries your love with it.

It's a difficult situation and won't be cured in one go, I don't suppose, but every little thing is a step forward. She'll remember that you cared when she's older.

Callistemon21

You could try the tactic of giving her some pocket money if she comes to visit you, and a pretty purse to keep it in.

You could say nothing about the missing money or perhaps just say you think it would be nice if she had some pocket money to spend as she likes.

wise and compassionate...

You sound as if you ve handled it brilliantly
Everything is so out of her control for this little girl and remember she had two long enforced break s from seeing you, or coming to your house perhaps this time when she came she didn’t know if it ll be the last time for a while again so treated these items as if she would never get the chance to see them again in other words hanging on to them …in case
She’s got no control over what happens in her life she wanted control over these dolls bits and pieces
She didn’t know if it was her last time of seeing them did she ? So what else to do but keep them

Lots of good advice and you sound like such a kind Grandma but what a sad story. Phillip Larkin was right.
www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse

Mamma66

Sadly, those of you who have suggested that she is an unhappy child are probably not too far off the mark.

She has had a parenting role over her younger siblings since she was very small; putting the younger ones to bed regularly from the age of five onwards. It has always made us so sad that she has never had the childhood she should have had.

I will try to tread carefully and not make too much of it. She has been a bit light fingered since she was about eight and I have always felt that this has been a sign of her being unsettled.

My heart breaks for her, but I am worried, an eight year old taking things is one thing, but if she carries on as she goes to ‘big school’ she might not be given the same amount of leeway. (It’s not just us she takes thing from).

I will tread carefully, encourage her to continue coming and continue to work towards being the stabilising influence we have always tried to be.

She doesn't sound as if she's had much f a life, poor girl, and is perhaps unsure where she fits into the family.

She has been a bit light fingered since she was about eight and I have always felt that this has been a sign of her being unsettled
Is that about the time her mother and your DS split up and she was not able to see her step-father and you?
Her mother sounds rather chaotic and any family stability was taken away from her.

She may need outside help but it could prove very difficult to broach the subject with her mother without opening up the rift again.

As for the money, not going to mention that directly, but may tell her the story of the time I stole 10p from my Mum’s purse to buy sweets and how awful it made me feel. Other than that we will remove temptation and just not leave money lying around. We used to give them pocket money before, so will start that again. None of them have much, bless them.

I agree with Monica too,

Maybe let her choose one or two things to keep for good and "borrow" others, they will remind her of you.

I took money once from mums purse, bought sweeties, and will never know if she knew or not but there was no come back. As her purse was there all the time I must have been having an unloved or angry moment!

I'd leave it unless its not just a one off.. See if the gifts of the toys does the reassuring job.

UPDATE - thank you for the good advice. I decided to tread very gently. I have always said to the child that I appreciate honesty above all else and that if she ever did anything she shouldn’t have we could always sort it out if she was truthful. I sent her a very nice message (speaker on her phone is broken, so can’t actually talk to her) suggesting we did a room together. I kept it very light and positive. She had put quite a lot in a box to take home and the remainder she had stashed away (basically keeping the things she best liked to one side). So glad I mentioned this possibility to her. She was truthful immediately. I will have a gentle word with her about taking things when I next see her. But I am so glad I took it extra softly. I wouldn’t have gone in all guns blazing anyway, but the reminder to tread carefully really helped.

The poor child certainly does need counselling, unfortunately there is nothing I can do to influence this. We always tried to be a safe haven for her, so more of the same I guess. Thank you for the advice ?

Children with chaotic lives need a safe haven. They need someone who they know will love them unconditionally.
Monica is spot on.

I think this behaviour is the sign of a very confused and mixed up little girl, who wants things from your house and connected with you to take home so she always has something connected with you to clutch and connect with you when life is difficult.

She obviously loves you very much and found these long gaps when she hasn't seen you upsetting and it is probable that her mother will not let her talk about you when at home and possibly says unkind things about you.

i think taking the money may be a way of testing you to see if you still love her even when she does something really naughty

I think you need to reassure her that you will always love her and always be there for her. if she has a phone, make sure your number is on her contacts list. React sensitively when she wants to take things home with her, but, most of all make sure she knows that no matter what she does, you will always be there for her.

I once stole something from a friends house. Her parents knew it was me, and got it back without
my parents finding out.
I remember her asking me, not unkindly, why I had taken it, I remember her saying that she was sure my grandad would buy me one if I really wanted one.
The strange thing is, I don’t remember feeling any shame or embarrassment, but sixty years on, I am impressed by how she handled it, and am so grateful she didn’t involve my parents.

I completely agree with Septimia. This is all too common among girls her age who dont know with whom they belong. I have experienced this before and yes. I would ask for the stolen items back because thievery is not a.good.trait to live with. And then congratulate the honesty as a rite of passage and give a better gift or item for the child to hang on to for their comfort

My adopted daughter went through a similar phase, mainly with sweets from friends' homes. Unfortunately, well-meaning parents didn’t tell us immediately. Eventually, we had a referral via our GP to a Child Psychologist which helped, I think.

Mamma66
That does kind of change things, but basically I think the advice you have been given still stands, you might need a little chat though about the dolls house, try to get her to understand that it’s very precious to you, and that although you’re not angry with her, you are very sad.
I honestly think this is a bit more than you can deal with, the little girl needs some help.

I think she does not know she is hurting your feelings she won't understand that. I would buy a little gift and when you see her give it to her.
I would also tell her you will start giving her a little pocket money to spend on what she wants. So she won't need things from your house. Explain they should stay where they belong for everyone to enjoy.
She sounds a troubled child and will be reaching adolescents before long. Any insecurities she has now will treble then help her feel secure in your company.
It's only my suggestion I think it's how I would deal with it I hope you find from responses here an ideal suggestion.

So difficult and I hate to hear how unhappy some children are. But I wonder if she may need some “help «? Has anything like this happened at school or are they aware ? Would her mother be willing to get some help?

Sigh… just been through the stuff GD tried to sneak out of the house. My late Mother had a dolls house which was passed on to me. My GD knows this and I said we could furnish it together and she could play with it whenever she was at our house. Found a box after she left (which she had coerced her little sister to smuggle out) absolutely filled with things from the dolls house, some of which she has actually broken to remove. I have always happily allowed her play with this as long as she was careful. I can see why she would have been tempted to take one or two things, but she has tried to all but empty the dolls house. I can’t help but feel hurt.