How many times should you apologise? If the apology is not accepted, then what?

It's very sad OnwardandUpward but it's time to move on now. You have made your apologies and they have been rebuffed which says more about your son than you.
I have not met anyone who has not made mistakes in their lives, some more serious than others but we can't go back, only apologise and don't repeat the mistake.
You have done your best no one can do more than that, time to let go now.

QuoteDee1012 - exactly. Some folk seem to think that a simple apology puts an end to the matter - and we can start all over again - but it's not that simple.

We are never going to trust that person to behave in a decent manner, ever again. We don't view them the same, either, now that we're aware of what they can do or say.

I think the issue isn't so much with forgiving, it's forgetting!

I've accepted a genuine apology from certain people over the years but with some, I can't forget the action that precipitated the apology...in all honesty for me they are never a new or better person, they’re just the same old piece of shit in a different coloured sweetie wrapping.

That's also true. I feel we are due an apology for the seven nasty voice messages , millions of nasty texts and for the horrible message he left his step dad.
All the time he was demanding an apology and then refusing to accept the apology, but being abusive. I look back and don't know how we put up with it for so long ruining our health, but I know we did it for our GC.

An apology would be nice, but I expect hell to freeze over first. He has never apologised for anything because he believes nothing is his fault. He is blind to the hurt and damage he has caused.

It is not me who should be apologising this time, either. I will keep an open mind and I will keep exposing this behaviour.

Sometimes you are really due an apology, but this does not happen, sadly.

Smileless2012

You did what you thought was best Onward, you went above and beyond to try and help your son and save your relationship.

That wasn't a mistake, that was love.

Thanks Smileless yes it was.

I still love him, but from a safe distance these days. My health is improving, at least. It's amazing how easy it is to slip back into being the abused when you have been abused in the past, even though you have made progress.

We were the only ones to love and parent him (always there for him!), yet we are the ones he hates and has a vendetta against. It just goes to show that you will never be "enough" for someone who hates you.

Well, for what it’s worth, *Tommo”, I don’t think your wife expected to be taken literally! Confusing, yes perhaps; however, maybe buying some flowers or booking a table at a nice restaurant would have been a nice gesture to have made for her birthday rather than give an empty box, which I think was rather cruel - giving nothing at all would have been kinder than giving an empty box.

If the person does not accept the apology then that is the end of it. They do not have to accept it and causes more anger and upset if someone keeps apologising.

I forgot my wife’s birthday.
The next year I asked her what she wanted for her birthday.
“Nothing, really”
So, I did as I was told and got her nothing; in a small box.
She expected an apology. I gave her one. She didn’t accept it.
I moved out before her next birthday.
I just don’t understand some people.

Ilovecheese

I thought this might be an interesting thread, but no, just another Prince Harry one.

No, it's not.

You did what you thought was best Onward, you went above and beyond to try and help your son and save your relationship.

That wasn't a mistake, that was love.

One sibling was just like that.
My apology didn’t fit his precise requirements, so he asked again and again, and wanted to know if I really meant it. Eventually I gave up and we just don’t meet up any more.
It’s better for me-less stressful. He doesn’t speak to my sister either because she evidently offended in a similar manner.

Thanks Smileless.

The mistake I have made is apologizing too much. Everyone at work tells me I do! (Probably because I have been in an abusive relationship in the past where I believed that everything was my fault.)

Last year when we were still talking he was always accusing me of having a "vendetta" against him, which never had existed. The distance has shown me that it is he who has the vendetta.

When an apology sincerely given is rejected, there's no point in repeating it in the hope there'll be a change of heart.

An apology isn't just made up of words it also needs action as one without the other is meaningless.

When the rejected apology is used as a weapon and to inflict pain and suffering, for me that is more than 'tit for tat' it's revenge, and says all that can be said about the person who behaves that way.

What matters, the only thing that matters for me is knowing that when apologies have been needed they have been given, and we are not and cannot be responsible for the one who rejects them becoming bitter and vengeful.

Yes Redhead5

It's sad, but I can't see any other option. I can't pop him back in my tummy for another go. My apologies and best effort are abused. Hence the estrangement.

I would say i have apologised once so drop it then walk off.

Hopefully one day the receiver of the apology will realise that they have become the one in the wrong. In effect they are becoming abusive themselves.

Thanks SilverLining48

I feel we have gone over the same ground for years, but because nothing I say makes any difference and because he was becoming crueller, I did back away. Not because I wanted to, but because I was protecting my health which has suffered for the past few years due to the head games and abuse.

silverlining48 is spot on you have tried all you can to make things right and keep getting your apology ignored. You need to back off and concentrate on yourself otherwise you will make yourself ill.
You never know time will tell and although it’s very upsetting for you now the distance may heal the rift.💐

If an apology is not accepted then there is little one can do. Try not to keep going over it all. The ball is in their court. By not accepting a genuine apology, they think they keep the power, but they don’t, so just get on with your life, knowing you have tried your best to make things right.

That's what I thought after years of apologizing and my son saying he didn't respect me, but using my love for him and his kids to be cruel.

If an apologetic parent is rejected further after the apology by a bitter , unforgiving child who then becomes cruel?

There are some things we cannot change, however much we might want to. We can apologize, but none of us can change the past. If an apology is rejected and abuse or cruelty happens as a result of the perceived failure then it's tit for tat.

No it's not just a Prince Harry post. It's about apologies not being accepted and people who didn't accept them becoming bitter and vengeful.

Very good point Baggs

I thought this might be an interesting thread, but no, just another Prince Harry one.

Then you let them stew in their own juice.

I'm imagining how Harry might have felt if he'd been in his father's position and not allowed to marry the woman he loved because she was a divorcee. Unfortunately Harry doesn't seem able to put himself in another's shoes.