How to forgive oneself?

Yes, I recently went through a period of guilt about not being a good enough carer when mum was dying. I was having trouble trying to forgive myself for not making better decisions. There is a psychologist on Youtube. Her channel is Therapy in a Nut Shell, her name is Emma McAdam. I find here very good as she explains things and gives good strategies for solving your problem.

This is a forgiveness method I use with my clients Many have had traumatic childhoods or adult relationships
You can use it on yourself too
It’s very profound & healing
coacharya.com/blog/taking-responsibility-with-hooponopono/

You are worthy

What are those annoying adverts that pop up in the middle of our chats?

I offer a sincere apology for anything and everything I may have done wrongly, then let it go. I don't hold grudges and I expect the same, in return, from my husband and our daughters.

HiMay - I very much like your suggestion about treating yourself kindly and gently as I have a nasty inner critic sometimes. VioletSky has suggested it's probably like/or is my mother's voice and I definitely need to replace that voice with something kind or I end up beating myself up. I

icanhandthemback rightly talks about pathways created in the brain from years and years of mistreatment and abuse. I think these pathways create trauma for the victim and that the trauma needs to be released. I think it matters whether that is by repentance, the confessional, expressing it in a safe environment to a counsellor or using Emotional Freedom Techniques as long as the method works.

If you find a way of releasing the trauma you can repair your own suffering and replace the pathways in the brain with others that are beneficial.

I hope that makes sense.

Although it’s got to affect so much of your life having an unhappy childhood, eventually, you have to let it go or become bitter. Some people are toxic and to be avoided to keep and protect your sanity, don’t know if forgiveness would be important just to understand that not everything can be mended, too much has happened.

I think as long as we do not repeat the sad mistakes our parents or others make we can feel better about ourselves.I’m now at the age to say don’t look back,don’t look too far forward enjoy today,make sure you tell all your family and friends how much they mean to you,only do happy things & smile,easier said than done for many I’m sure.

Can you be as kind and gentle with yourself as you would be with anyone else who felt bad in some way? You are a lovely person, worthy of respect and consideration, just as that little girl (you) was all those years ago. She should have been nurtured, and spoken to kindly, encouraged, given self esteem. It’s wonderful that you have become such a thoughtful person, despite what happened to you. May you feel secure and loved now 💐

M0nica

I think we spend too mach time gazing at our navels over the trivial mistakes we all make, which would be much better spent just getting on with life.

All of us can look back to mistakes large and small we have made. They prove we are human, best way is to give s hrug, learn the lesson they have taught us and move on - and the same with other peoples errors. life i too short to hold grudges.

Agree with every word you say Monica. Far too much looking inwards these days.

I was brought up a catholic and never ever in my childhood came across all the guilt and fear that everyone always talks about. I went to 4 convent schools, 2 parochial schools and 4 other state schools in three different countries.

My parents were good catholics but not devout catholics, .Neither were either of their families, even though my grandfather was an 'eminent layman' with honours from both Queen and pope. Much like the nuns who taught me. Some were nice others were nasty, but religion was a way of life and a set of moral principles, not a weapon to beat us with.

How did I avoid all this guilt and fear. catholic friends seem to have equally avoided it - and I am Irish on both sides.

If you forgive someone because God tells you and you fear his wrath then I do not believe that is true forgiveness.

But it is.
You have to truly forgive the other person.

Not easy, even if what a person has done to you is nothing on the scale of what has happened to some people.

But I wont go on about this.

More from me. I was brought up a Catholic, ruled by guilt and fear. If you forgive someone because God tells you and you fear his wrath then I do not believe that is true forgiveness. Fear and guilt have no place in spirituality - only love. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself and you will love the whole world and see nothing that even needs to be forgiven! I would hate someone to forgive ME because of THEIR relationship to God - what's that got to do with me? I do not believe in a judgmental, patriarchal God. I prefer my Goddess and a sense of groundedness, caring and connection. I believe in a moral Universe and that Love is the unifying principle. Even though that seems nonsense when you're suffering, it's almost always we humans that f* it up!

If it were that easy to leave the past behind etc etc then none of us counsellors and therapists would have a job. The sad fact is that our past shapes us and to move on we often have to do a lot of digging and rebuilding. Some people say they have moved on and choose to believe this, but then have other problems as a result (and deny the connection.). Others really can move on, and forgiveness is a wonderful, healing thing. Forgiveness of others isn't something we do for them, we do it for ourselves. Forgiving ourselves is the kindest, most healing and often most difficult. But it's about keeping things in perspective. We're all human, so don't sweat the small stuff.

forgiveness/self forgiveness is a biggie,for me at least.It can be complex area.The roots of it often lie in religion, and the severity of the religion.If you were raised catholic prior vatican 2 and had strict parents, you could have real difficulty in forgiveness,you first had to go to a priest who had a chat with god! that is a real mind bender for a child.Psychology talks about forgiveness a lot too.I would say we all have done things we regret,ultimately it is our own self forgiveness that can do it.Can anyone else do it? I lived for too many years with guilt, until one day i decided ,do i want to continue to live in a horror story.......

I have convinced myself that, had I been able to act differently to a challenge, I would have done and I truly believe that .... It works for me for forgiveness and for any feelings of regret as well....

I am a Christian.
Looks like there are a couple of other people at least on this thread who also are.

These are Bible verses on forgiveness.

I dont think it is a thing to forgive oneself?
If you regret something, that is good enough if you are not a Christian. And say sorry to someone if appropriate.

If people have done me a wrong, it may take a bit of time but I end up forgiving them. Not least because if I dont forgive them, God wont forgive me. Quite an incentive to me as far as I am concerned! And I dont care if that seems selfish to other people. I care far more about the God relationship.

www.compassionuk.org/blogs/bible-verses-on-forgiveness/

Uninvitedme

The answer is always in prayer. 🙏🏼🙏🏼

I'm not sure why praying would be the answer. It wasn't the answer when I was scared, being abused or losing another parental figure.

As a child I had no choice and although I challenged my mother more as an adult I still held back from saying what I really felt as Iit would have simply made her even more angry.

I understand that completely. I also asked myself, "Would it change anything?" The answer would have been negative. I took the path of least resistance which could be criticised but I learned that this was the way to minimise harm to me as a very young child. Those pathways in your brain are quite difficult to unlearn without considerable support. In fact, I'm not sure you ever unlearn them, you just try not to give into them and it never feels completely comfortable.

When you forgive others, it is not for them, it is for you - so you get less stomach acid and fewer migraines. But... do not forget what they did, lest it happens again. orging yourself is just a phrase... get on with life, and don't fall prey to these people...

Lostmyglassesxx

Well I’ve thought long and hard on this
Can you forgive yourself if you are not forgiven by the person whom you have forgiven ! This person who constantly reminds you of your mistakes and whose pattern of behaviour is blamed on you when that person is totally incapable of accepting any responsibility herself or forgiving herself It’s a two way street . You can beat yourself up endlessly about the past and google downs zillion rabbit holes for explanation and closure but some things just remain in your subconscious - an itch you can’t scratch .

I 100% agree with this lostmyglassesxx !!!
One of my DS has cut of from me completely citing my bad parenting ...ok I wasn't the best , but blimey! I was a really long way from one of the worst! I've told him that I consider my bad behaviour/decisions as unforgiveable so haven't asked him for his forgiveness. However! A big fat chunk of stuff he accused me of was simply untrue and I suspect suggested by a.n.other........... like a claim I force fed him (wha?!?!?) I gently told him I thought this a false memory and he didn't disagree. Other stuff too many to say but not true with his brother being just as bemused as I. I forgive him his attempt to justify his cutoff, I love him of course whatever and there's no way out so I'm trying my damnest to stay calm and neutral for my sanity.

Uninvitedme

The answer is always in prayer. 🙏🏼🙏🏼

Only for those who believe. Anyone for whom religion is a non runner- any suggestions? Thought not....

I think it depends a lot on what it is you feel or know you did wrong, what is necessary before you can forgive yourself.

However, it does also depend on your state of mind at the time.

Just after a bereavement, I believe most of us regret a lot of things we either did or said, or failed to do or say to the person who has just died, While these may be genuine faults, they are probably exaggerated by our grief and should be view in this light.

Generally, speaking I imagine that we were all taught that forgiving oneself and/or being forgiven by others depends on the following steps:

Acknowledge to yourself that you did something wrong, or that an action you still regard as right caused another person hurt or annoyance.

Apologise to that person. If you cannot bring yourself to say that you acted wrongly (and there are cases were saying so would be untrue) you can and should apologise for having caused the other person distress, or anger.

As children we were taught, at least I was, to promise mummy or daddy that I would not do the same thing again.
As an adult, one realises often that one might very well do the same again in similar circumstances, but one can promise oneself at least to attempt not to do so.

If after doing all this, you still cannot forgive yourself, or stop worrying about what you have done, then either go to confession, or consult a psycologist, according to whether you are religious or not.

Harbouring guilt or resentment wthether against others or against yourself does absolutely no good, and indeed may well do you harm. It certainly harms your peace of mind.

The older-fashioned confessors still advise penitents "to avoid the occasion of sin". This is actually sound advice both for believers and non-believers if we take it to mean "Try not to bring yourself in situations were it is all to easy to repeat your mistake."

For example, if you know you say or do unkind things when drunk, then make the attempt to stop drinking to excess.

Apologies if someone has already mentioned this - I haven’t had time to read all the replies. There is a technique called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique - it involves tapping on acupressure points) which is excellent for helping to resolve issues from our pasts that linger on. Although you can pay a therapist to lead you in sessions, it is also a wonderful self-help technique. There are loads of videos on YouTube. I recommend Robert E.Smith videos - sorry I’m no good at posting links. If you google fastereft.com you will find a link on the home page to a free 5-day course.

Being bad really meant that you were spirited, intelligent and inquisitive. A handful probably. Nothing there to forgive. I go through life like a tank! Ignoring people who are rude or annoying. No need to forgive anyone.

The answer is always in prayer. 🙏🏼🙏🏼