Your experiences as a new parent

My first child was born in 1982 in Kent. I was staying with my sister and family as my husband was Maltese and we moved to Malta when DD1 was three weeks old.

So, my mum was very supportive but didn’t interfere at all.

No mum or MiL present at birth - fathers only allowed.

Nobody in waiting room or visited on day one.

I stayed in hospital for a week (usual with first babies) then spent two weeks at my sister’s. Loved it. DH and I were given so much support and I didn’t want to go to Malta and leave my sister.

Stayed at mum’s in Malta whilst DH drove overland with car loaded with baby stuff, all given to me by sister who had three children.

Moved to our home when baby was a month old. Mum came to help regularly but it was very amicable and not expected.

DH’s parents were not hands on at all. We visited them once in a blue moon which suited us all!

Didn’t need childcare, I was a SAHM and baby was breastfed. No sleepovers until she was around two by which time DD2 was born.

No idea if their expectations matched mine. I did not expect anyone but myself to look after my babies. I had been a nursery nurse so was thrilled to have my own to look after for a change.

My mum was a wonderful grandmother and all four of my children adored her and loved spending time with her. I never left them with anyone else when they were young and mum was always happy to babysit so we could have a night out. She offered, we didn’t assume.

That was clever, Norah - and so true.

Our first baby was born in 1969.Six weeks before he was due we were told he had “multiple abnormalities which were not conducive to survival “. Could I have a C section.No.I had to endure 6 weeks of being very pregnant but knowing there would be no baby.Then I had a traumatic delivery.It seems this is still happening today.Intervention might jeopardise future pregnancies.
We went on to have two treasured children who are now parents themselves.
Barbarax

How dreadful for you busybeejay. I hope such awful situations are managed differently today. One of my business partners had a similarly traumatic experience in the early 80s. So very sad. 💐

I’m so sorry to hear you went through that, busy bee.

I had my children in the early 1970s. Grandparents didn't have 'expectations' then they just fitted in with parents.

Equally new parents did not expect anything of grandparents and most new parents looked after their children from birth with very little input from parents. I do remember one woman in our road where her parents were endlessly there. The rest of us thought it very odd and felt rather sorry for her.

I knew very few women who had parents close at hand anyway. My parents and parents in law lived 60 miles away (in opposite direction and my pil didn't drive.

To answer your questions
What was the arrival of your first child like in relation to your parents?
DH rang them after he got home after the birth

Were your mother and/or MIL present at the birth?
It was unthought of in the early 1970s, and Icertainly wouldn't have wanted it.

Were they in the hospital waiting room?
Good God, no!

Did they come in to your hospital room to meet the baby on day one?
My parents drove over, to see him. Stayed an hour and then went home and din't see him again for some weeks. PiL didn't see either of our children until they were about 10 days old as they weren't drivers and there was no direct public transport.

Did they stay at your home to help? Was that by their request or yours?
For baby 1, it never occurred to me to even ask for it, I certainly didn't want it. For baby 2 my mother took a week off work in order to look after No 1 while I was having and resting after having No 2

How often did they visit or did you visit them in those early days? After the first visit, went back to normal visiting pattern pre children, seeing them for a day or weekend about once a month.

Did they offer childcare (or conversely, did you request it)?
Apart from distance all 4 grandparenbts were still working full time..

Did they take your infant for sleepovers and if so, when?
We asked them to look after them overnight on a number of occasions when we had works social dos in London and when we moved house, moving out and moving in is difficult, and distressing for toddlers. No big deal about it. They were always available in emergencies

Did their expectations match yours?
Grandparents didn't have expectations.

When DDiL had her children, 2007,2010 nothing much had changed. They live 200 miles away. We went north as soon as the baby was born, stayed a few days, saw the baby a few times, then headed home and didn't see our grandaughter for another month, when they came south.

We had no expectations, and we have always fitted in with DS and DDiL's life. As a result we have a close and happy relationship with them and we see each other a lot and holiday together in harmony every year.

-What was the arrival of your first child like in relation to your parents?
DH rang when he got home.

-Were your mother and/or MIL present at the birth?
Neither, although I was present at the birth of my DGD at their request because DS-I-L was ill. I stayed away from the business end!

-Were they in the hospital waiting room?
No-distance issues
- Did they come in to your hospital room to meet the baby on day one?
No. They lived too far away, but they would have if they could and I’d have been happy to see them.
-Did they stay at your home to help? Was that by their request or yours?
-My mum came for a few days after first child, at our request. She had to stay because of distance. She was a great help.

MIL at our request came over often in first few weeks after 2nd child because we had moved nearer to them. She was a great help.

- How often did they visit or did you visit them in those early days?

I walked over to MIL’s house 2-3 times a week. Drove to see my DM&Dad about once a fortnight.

- Did they offer childcare (or conversely, did you request it)?
MIL would look after children so I could pop to the shops, but I was a SAHM when they were young.
DM lived too far away

- Did they take your infant for sleepovers and if so, when?
Sleepovers, no. MIL would stay over at our house if we wanted to be out late.
Once children were over 3 my in-laws would collect them in the summer and take them on holiday 200 miles away to stay for a week and we’d drive down and stay with them for a second week.
Was that something you were glad about?
Yes
Did their expectations match yours?
I never really thought about it.

DH was in the Navy but luckily was home or each birth (both in the 1970s.) For the first one he had been with me through labour but wasn't in the room for the forceps birth. With no 2 he was there the whole time (rapid birth, I didn't get to the delivery room and he was 'stuck' in the corner but would have left if he could have).
As both sets of parents were 400 miles away just my mother was with us to help for 10 days each time, especially helpful looking after DS 1 while I was in having DS2. The first time round she had just left to go home when DH, (expecting another weeks leave) was recalled to the ship and I was suddenly alone with new baby.
In those days we didn't expect to be alone as a couple for bonding time and I was glad to have my mother with us. No sleepovers or babysitting due to distance. The rest of the family met DS1 at three months, when I drove the 400 miles to take him there (DH still at sea).

This is an interesting comment
Grandparents didn't have expectations.
I think, like mine, some grandparents
hoped to see more of the new family and to "help out" more but this is basically true. In my own group of friends I think not wanting help from grandparents was pretty normal.

I can, conversely, remember helping other mum friends to "clear up" ahead of grandparent visits. In my circle of friends, I think mostly we were relieved when they left us to our own devices. This didn't mean we didn't love them, just that my friends and I were living very different lives to our parents and it could be difficult to navigate the changes in attitudes and in child-rearing practices.

My friends and I were mostly breastfeeding on demand - at least for the early months - and we didn't
put our babies out in a pram to "air". My group of friends, like me, used a sling for our babies and were interested in Liedloff's continuum concept which was a revelation when published in 1975.
We, (rightly or wrongly) also co-slept with out babies in the "family bed".

This was very different to the timed feedings and "let them cry" attitude of many grandparents - though I did have one older friend who said we were "spoiling" our babies by giving them so much attention.

I know not all families lived as we did but in our case it went hand in hand with organic gardening, vegetarianism and was swiftly followed in the 1980s by moving towards self-sufficiency, recycling and the co-operative movement.

I think there have been lots of changes in just a few decades.

rubysong a similar story here, DH went off for months, my DP lived a couple of hundred miles away and went home after a couple of weeks. MIL worked full-time. I just had to get on with it.

Grandparents didn't have expectations

Certainly young parents didn't have expectations that grandparents were there to help all the time. None that I knew, anyway.

What was the arrival of your first child like in relation to your parents?
My mother had me in hospital in 1949. Dad was at home with my big sister. Mum never told me anything about her birthing experiences . I was similar in 1976, had her in hospital, fathers not welcome so he stayed at work.

Were your mother and/or MIL present at the birth?
Heavens no ! My husband wasn't allowed in, let alone my mother or mil. And I couldn't have imagined anything worse .

Were they in the hospital waiting room? Did they come in to your hospital room to meet the baby on day one?
No, my parents lived in the same city but they didn't come for a few days. My in-laws lived far away so no, they didn't see her for months.

Did they stay at your home to help? Was that by their request or yours? No, I was on my own from Day 1. Husband went back to work, Mum only visited very rarely.

How often did they visit or did you visit them in those early days?
We drove over to see the grandparents about once a fortnight for a meal and spent the afternoon there. Other in-laws about twice a year.

Did they offer childcare (or conversely, did you request it)?
No, I was SAHM for a year and didn't expect or get any child care. Even when I had to have surgery, my mother never offered to come over and help.

Did they take your infant for sleepovers and if so, when? Was that something you were glad about?
Nope, I don't think my kids ever had a sleepover there, except if I was there too.

Did their expectations match yours?
Yes - they never expected to do much for me , and I never expected them to. So they did match perfectly !

I was already in hospital before DD was born (1965) and the first DH knew of her arrival was when I telephoned him at school during morning break. I was also in hospital when DS was induced so when DH came came for evening visiting things were well under way and although he wasn’t allowed in the room for the delivery (1967) he was handed the baby as the midwife had to rush off. I am glad things are kinder now.

DMiL stayed for a fortnight when I brought each baby home after ten days in hospital and was marvellous about doing all the necessary chores and leaving me to get used to the baby. She had also had DD for six weeks while I was in hospital before DS was born, so transferring her back to me was a gentle process. I was enormously grateful.

DS proved to be a non-sleeper and occasionally we would take the children over to their GPS on Saturday afternoon, stay for tea and then drive home to sleep for twelve or fourteen hours. Back for Sunday lunch and then home. DS slept well while with them, just no with us! Their help was a life saver.

No to experience and all the other questions. I didn't use Dr Spock it was Hugh Jolly can't remember the name of the book . All in the dim and distant past.

The other interesting question is why so many current grandmothers, who had parents with no expectations when their grandchildren were born and had no expectations of help from grandparents, in fact actually discouraged it, have themselves turned into such demanding and entitled grandmothers themselves, or have made themselves into slaves in being at the beck and call to provide care when their adult children have children.

I have been amazed at the lengths some of my friends go to to provide their children with all the child care they demand, almost as of right.

I SO agree M0nica and actually you have kindly just saved me from having to write an identical post!

NotSpaghetti Perhaps some will respond in the way they (and us) have responded to this query.

I hasten to add, I have acted like my parents, I had no expectations when DGC were born and live too far from my grandchildren to either be a domestic doormat or make unreasonable demands, not that I was remotely tempted to do so. My DS and wife did have her mother close at hand, but since she didn't have children until her mid 30s and they were both heading to forty before they became parents, she was well into her 70s and not in the best of health by the time she became a grandmother, so could not provide much childcare either., so, just like us they managed very adequately on their own.

M0nica

The other interesting question is why so many current grandmothers, who had parents with no expectations when their grandchildren were born and had no expectations of help from grandparents, in fact actually discouraged it, have themselves turned into such demanding and entitled grandmothers themselves, or have made themselves into slaves in being at the beck and call to provide care when their adult children have children.

I have been amazed at the lengths some of my friends go to to provide their children with all the child care they demand, almost as of right.

I wouldn’t quite phrase it this way, but I was very much expecting to hear that the prior generation had such expectations on current grandparents, so they were only expecting the same from this generation. The answers in this post have been quite surprising, as they contrast with many of the posts I’ve followed. I’ve seen the occasional frustration with adult children thinking they are entitled to childcare, but the overwhelming majority of GC-related posts seem to be frustrations/disappointment about hopes/expectations of access not being met.

My grandmother was very involved in caring for us until she passed away when I was about 5 (late 1980s). I don’t know what the background was ok that arrangement. I just know my sister and I were at her home everyday until one day she wasn’t there anymore. In contrast, my mother has no interest in helping my sister or me (which I’m fine with on my end). My sister could really use the help, but my mother said she’s raised her kids and my sister should just quit her job if it’s too hard. In strong contrast, we had quite a bit of conflict with my MIL, who seemed to think this was another chance for her to be mom again. She was very upset with me when I declined her offers/demands. I know much of this is very specific to each family and culture; I was just curious to see if there would be an overall trend.

Mama2020 In contrast with many of the posts I’ve followed..... the overwhelming majority of GC-related posts seem to be frustrations/disappointment about hopes/ expectations of access not being met.

Agreed, what you describe is the usual post.

Many answers on this thread, seem to me, most odd.

Norah Odd in what way. I had my children in the early 1970s and lived on an ordinary new estate. I can only think of one family where grandparents were ever present and, as I said before, most of the rest of us thought this was really uncomfortable and a greed we wouldn't want our arents constanly in our house taking over our children.

M0nica

Norah Odd in what way. I had my children in the early 1970s and lived on an ordinary new estate. I can only think of one family where grandparents were ever present and, as I said before, most of the rest of us thought this was really uncomfortable and a greed we wouldn't want our arents constanly in our house taking over our children.

In response to Mama2020, I thought the answers were odd, as well, from reading posts. There are indeed many posts, here, from GP actually wanting to childmind and having expectations of lots of involvement.

Our first was born late 50s - no estate living or group think, so IDK.

I had 2 babies in the UK before we emigrated, early 1970s. My Mum handed back our first in horror because she had had her sister look after me until I was a few weeks old and had no experience of newborns. My mil was working and we didn’t see her often. Both of them lived several hours away. As for the next 2 , we were in Australia, they were in the UK and they didn’t meet for years. Sad really .

I think there is a trend for grandparents to want more contact to be honest. (Not me, as I'm with M0nica

Maybe the people who have answered this thread are a self-selecting sub-set of Gransnet?

I think the expectation of childcare often comes from parents because nurseries etc are so expensive in this country.
It’s up to grandparents to decide how much they want to commit to and it’s always easier to increase care than decrease. Not forgetting the likelihood of another baby not too far behind.
In the 70 s when I was s youngish mum neither my mum or the in-laws offered to help with childcare and I neither expected nor asked for help.

NotSpaghetti

I think there is a trend for grandparents to want more contact to be honest. (Not me, as I'm with M0nica

Maybe the people who have answered this thread are a self-selecting sub-set of Gransnet?

Precisely.