Is this a life?

If your husband is telling you you won't have any resources, he's lying, as I said upthread. Its emotional blackmail. Find out the facts from a solicitor, its empowering, whatever you choose to do.

sounds like you are being taken for granted;
by your husband, in running the home and making a comfortable domestic setting for him,
and by your daughter in doing long hours of unpaid childcare.
why should your live be made up of this kind of servitude ?
why can't you just laze around, or take off for a break, occasionally.
and what does he mean that if you split he would be ok but you would have nothing .
that doesn't sound right.
don't assets acquired during the marriage have to be divided ? inc his pension ?
why would he be telling you this.
who does it benefit that you believe this. not you.
information is power.
find out how you stand, legally, financially.
and don't tell your family. make time for yourself.
take independent counsel.
good luck.

Can you cut back on the childcare? A lot of Grandparents I know agree to this and then realise it’s not really what they want to do.

We have a property we let out for holidays and visitors book maybe 3 days and tell me they wish they could stay longer but they are committed to childcare duties. I hear this time and time again.

As others say, you need to be doing things YOU want to do having brought your own children up. There are some really interesting voluntary jobs out there, not just working in charity shops but befriending people, working outside in country parks, advising people about benefits, Supervising young people with special needs to use public transport, working in National Trust houses behind the scenes …. And all of these will get you out and meeting people.

karmalady

Elegran, all you posts here are wise and very spot on and not just applicable to the OP

Absolutely agree. And what elegran has said totally resonates with me x

Elegran, all you posts here are wise and very spot on and not just applicable to the OP

Narnia, you are as "productive" a person as your husband. The fact that you are not paid for the work you do for members of your extended family does not mean it is not as valuable as any work other people get paid for.

Never forget that.

Since you often feel exhausted, perhaps you need to do less work for other family members and do things – like what elegran suggests – that are for yourself and that help you make friends with others. I think it would raise your spirits.

Narnia, if you were to divorce you would get a share of his pension, its worked out according to the number of years you have been together, since looking after children and house IS regarded as work.

You should get half the value of the house too providing no mortgage or half the value of the house minus the mortgage.

You can ring a solicitor for a free half hour consultation. I'd do this so you know your options whether you act on them or not. However it's some time before your state pension. However you may be assessed as to whether you have earning abilities when it comes to the financial side - I'm not sure on this one.

Under the new No blame divorce laws you do not need to have lived separately for 2 years nor prove blame from either side.

However I agree with other posters about finding things you enjoy outside the home. If you live alone this would be essential anyway. Doing this may change your feelings about the marriage.

It does sound as if you need interests outside of your family. As much as I'm sure you enjoy looking after your GC, maybe this simply isn't stimulating enough for you.

Have you ever talked to your D about the possibility of at least some of the childcare being paid for so you could look for some part time work?

If you both do not want a physical relationship then it is a good way to live. You are living as housemates that know each other well, you said that you could not afford to live alone.

Do you ever speak about what you both want for the future? Could you get a job so that you are financially independent, it would be unfair to stay if it is just so that you can be supported.

I do think it is important to have interests outside the home - some things you can enjoy together and discuss and different things so that you bring something new into the conversation.
Sometimes you have to work at it, which means you have to want to.
That said, DH and I used to enjoy “companionable” silence, each reading our own book /iPad. I miss those times almost as much as the activities!

If you were doing childcare professionally, you would have time off! 10-hour days are just not on, and on the days when you don't look after them, you really need to be away from them completely to let their mother take over and be their carer. It is all too easy for grandma to become the one always in charge of their lives.

Then you would have days when you were free to be in charge of your own life.

There are Mother and Child groups who meet regularly to let the children socialise, and for their mothers to socialise too. Outings are arranged to child-friendly places, and parks etc. Grandmothers are usually welcome, and it would be a way for you to chat with others. Your experience would be welcome at one of these groups too. Many young mothers are far from their own mothers and don't have anyone to discuss childcare problems with.

You both sound as though you are bored with each other and your lives. People who have a more interesting life outside their marriage are more interesting within it. Even a good-going shouting match from time to time is more stimulating than an endless round of nothing. He is probably as fed up as you are.

If you don't change something you will eventually drift completely apart - him into that "little fling" that leads to him leaving for the "other woman", you into prematurely being a "little old woman" who never goes anywhere or sees any friends, and depends entirely on her daughter for interest, company and mental stimulation. Is that what you want? What your daughter would want?

How would you feel if he "had a little fling"?

Was there a reason or time when your feelings for him became less?

Elegran

I think you need to MAKE time to see your friends and ex colleagues. The only people you seem to see are your daughter and children, son occasionally, and husband (though you hardly interact with him at all) Daughter has her working life, family, and presumably friends who she relaxes with, son too, and husband has his interests. What are your interests, and who are your companions in those interests?

Why not sit down and mark in different colours on a blank calendar the times when you are looking after grandchildren or seeing daughter, when you are doing house chores (with husband in another room) , and when you are chatting with someone you like or following a hobby or interest. I think you will find that most of it is in one of two colours.

There are so many things that you could be doing. Get a dog and take it for daily walks. You will meet other dog-owners and take it for daily walks. You will have a loyal companion and a reason to leave the house, and you could make good friends among the people you meet. Take up a creative hobby, even if you are no good at it you will have to choose the materials and design and sit down and actually have a go at making it. Join a leisure class of some kind - exercise, craft, book club, family history, politics. There will be other people there, and maybe a future lifetime friend will be there, looking for you. Go to a cafe - yes, all on your own - and sit with a cup of coffee and a scone watching the world go by.

Many of us have been at the same crossroads. You are wondering "Is this all there is?" No, there is much more, but you have to step forward to meet it. Widen your horizons!

I love this.
I know what I need to do but doing it is another thing.
I feel shattered when I don't have the children, as I literally am there 10hrs a day.
I have tried more recently to meet for coffee etc, prob is my friend's still work.
I def know I need to be more pro active tho x

I think you need to MAKE time to see your friends and ex colleagues. The only people you seem to see are your daughter and children, son occasionally, and husband (though you hardly interact with him at all) Daughter has her working life, family, and presumably friends who she relaxes with, son too, and husband has his interests. What are your interests, and who are your companions in those interests?

Why not sit down and mark in different colours on a blank calendar the times when you are looking after grandchildren or seeing daughter, when you are doing house chores (with husband in another room) , and when you are chatting with someone you like or following a hobby or interest. I think you will find that most of it is in one of two colours.

There are so many things that you could be doing. Get a dog and take it for daily walks. You will meet other dog-owners and take it for daily walks. You will have a loyal companion and a reason to leave the house, and you could make good friends among the people you meet. Take up a creative hobby, even if you are no good at it you will have to choose the materials and design and sit down and actually have a go at making it. Join a leisure class of some kind - exercise, craft, book club, family history, politics. There will be other people there, and maybe a future lifetime friend will be there, looking for you. Go to a cafe - yes, all on your own - and sit with a cup of coffee and a scone watching the world go by.

Many of us have been at the same crossroads. You are wondering "Is this all there is?" No, there is much more, but you have to step forward to meet it. Widen your horizons!

Yes I'm under 60.
No we don't go for meals etc.
Very occasionally cinema but not often.
It's literally shopping or going to our ds.
I suppose its mostly comfy maybe, he provides an income, I keep the house and deal with the bills and general stuff.
If we were to split he's always said he would be OK but I'd be in the 💩 as I have nothing.
I'm won't even have an inheritance once my parent goes as that's not what is in the will.
He will get quite a good inheritance and a good pension.
My dd works which I why I have the gc, but she couldn't afford childcare if I didn't, so I know that would affect her massively too if I had to find a job.
As I said, I don't crave the affection or intimacy, not from him or any one else
I've never been tempted or had feelings for anyone else.
I think he def does and another reply def made me think that's how he feels 'a little fling'

I think you need to factor in some time to do something that just involves the two of you. You're being pulled and maybe swamped by your caring responsibilities for two generations and it sounds like you're both in a bit of a rut, however much you enjoy looking after your grandchildren.

Could you take the time to go out together, maybe to the cinema then a meal. The film will give you a starting point for a conversation!
Better still a weekend away to an interesting place. Something you can both look forward to.
Ask your husband if he would like you to arrange something and take it from there.

The grass on the other side may be far from greener. There are many good things to work on in your marriage op, not forgetting that the age your op is at also triggers some change of life equivalents ie loss of strength, loss of importance in the workplace being treated as old by other people. It comes on suddenly with a man, women psychologically adapt in the pre menopause years. Lockdown triggered a lot of this uncertainty in many people, particularly in men, who tend not to chat in groups like women do

I suggest finding the nearest mens shed, see if he will go. A basically good marriage is definitely worth the extra work and should not be thrown out like a pair of old slippers. You both deserve better

There doesn’t seem to be a lot of joy? Do you ever go out together for a meal, to the cinema, for a walk? Could you suggest these things? Do you want to?
You say you wonder if it’s an age thing, but that you’re under 60. That’s a lot of life left to live! Think how you’d like that life to be.

I agree about the comfy slippers analogy!

That said, I have just replaced my totally worn out slippers with a pair of Birkenstock felt clogs because of plantar fasciitis and thrown them in the bin.
Read into that what you will!

Hi
I think after reading these I feel less alone or odd.
I think I would say he's a decent man, we are close to our children. Me more so than him, as I see my daughter everyday.
We both have elderly parents that we care for and have both lost a parent.
He works from home since covid and I don't think that has helped things as he's become quite insular and a bit selfish in his ways
Financially I couldn't live alone no, I have no income and now no potential as I care for my gc
I think he realises this and thinks I should be grateful maybe. We also have debts we have carried for years.
I deal with everything bill wise etc.
We shop once a week together and occasionally visit our son at the same time. We did holiday together pre covid but not since. We have had uk breaks with our dd and gc.
He has interests and a couple of friends
I have friends and ex colleagues but don't get the time to see them.
Thanks for the replies.
I guess I went to bed last night feeling a bit sorry for myself x

Many marriages become like a comfy pair of slippers, getting on well enough but living side by side, even if sharing a bedroom. A date night is good, to pretend that you have just met each other and then the talking from the heart can start again. It sounds as though the marriage is good but the spark is lost and this can happen with familiarity but a spark can be reignited

There is a reason why you chose to live like this which is your business. Beside going to work does your husband have any involvement with your DD and GC. Is there a good rapport with the family does he interact or get involved?

You share a house like companions but do you have a social life together with friends etc. Do you go on holiday or is there nothing in common between you?

A lot of couples live like this and it suits them but if you are questioning your situation maybe it’s time for a change. Only you know the answers to these questions it’s your decision. You need to decide how you want to live the rest of your life. Its time to assess how practically you can make changes and go it alone.

Do you do anything together?

It sounds like you've switched off a need for love and closeness from DH. This an awfully big thing to do without the rest of your life. Are you lonely, or indifferent? (being lonely with another around is not good: the grandchildren are going to grow up.

60 isn't very old to start over: its an enormous things to do: I'd try first seeing how DH feels, find a chance to talk it over.

But how would you do living alone? Have you the finances to do this?