Adult son girlfriend

No I din't think so Foxygloves.

No kids as yet thankfully I wont be saying nothing to him no more yes hopefully he see the light soon that's all I can hope I have very good intention wouldn't call it claustrophobic just looking out for them he was very happy at home over a year ago things have changed but that's life thanks for all your advice the only time I am gonna message him. Will be his 21 birthday been out today and cleared head but I will say just before Christmas he was asking me for help about the situation and moaning about her so I thought I would try that's all

Mother of his kids, obviously

I blame the lack of coffee

If his girlfriend is as bad as you say she is, and he’s been with her for past three years he’s well aware of what’s going on, you cannot interfere in your sons relationship. He will see her for what she is, she can’t keep him prisoner.

Smileless2012

It does sound as if your son could be in an abusive relationship Mumzyto7 which is understandably heart breaking and frightening for you, but there's nothing you can do apart from keeping the lines of communication open.

Leaping to conclusions, perhaps?
Perhaps he has chosen his girlfriend and her family over what sounds like a claustrophobic atmosphere at home.

If they have been together for 3 years, it is not a new relationship

She could be the mother of her kids.

I say this kindly - your obsession with your son is driving him away

Your posts are intense and i am sure ir shows irl

When or if he has kids, what kind of relationship you expect?
You still have time to address this, apologize and fix this

Please do teach your kids to be self suficientent - you did not do your son any favours

It does sound as if your son could be in an abusive relationship Mumzyto7 which is understandably heart breaking and frightening for you, but there's nothing you can do apart from keeping the lines of communication open.

You really do need to let go of this Mumzyto7 you are making yourself unhappy not to say other family members. Your son is old enough to take responsibility for himself, you can't keep blaming his girlfriend for everything.

The girlfriend has stayed at our house a handful of times from October last year till Christmas so only couple of months it lasted before I realised what was going on bearing in mind they have been together three years I had only met her three times before that the rest of the time he was always at her house hence why me asking her what's going on why she has stopped him seeing us is because she knows his family know what's she's doing

He is living at her mum's house yet he working fifty plus hours a week and still has no money he never had a winter coat it's finacal abuse the girlfriend only works one day a week he was staying up till four his work said to do her college work then he had work at twelve and taking her to college on days he had work this why I approached the girlfriend she's walking round fine decent shoes coat clothes etc

As I said her behaviour when we took her away at Christmas showed all there's alot more to the storey with the way she is if he wanted to be treated like adult he was asking us for money after Christmas because she had spent all his money on various holidays etc gifts for her like I said he has nothing now

Yes what I meant was when he was living at home not a lot was asked of him even though I have six others he had his own room If that makes sense and I rang his work after weeks of him not contacting any one since Christmas

Op

Please tell me i misread and your son does know to clean and take care of himself

OP - you are not treating him as an adult.
How humiliating to have one’s mum ring up work to see if you are OK?

Yes it's getting quite commen men he's a quiet lad who is laid back

Yes but least I would know he was happy me and his dad have been together 22 years all the same dad he was never asked to do anything help in house etc

Look,at it a different way. If he’d gone to university or moved for work, you wouldn’t be knowing what he’s doing every minute of the day. Hard as it might be to face, he might be glad to be away from all those siblings. He might need some space and this is his way of getting it. It won’t last at 20 if she’s fed up with him anyway. Just let time take its course. The more you pressure, the more he will stay away.

We assume because its more common that men are abusers of women, ie manipulative and controlling, cut partner off from family etc, but it ain't always the case.

But he has to find his own way. I was 60 when I met my to be abusive husband, but at the beginning I wouldn't have listened to a soul. but not to be over dramatic at this point - they are both very young and have lots to learn; time for relationships to end and form new ones.

Trust your upbringing of him and let him make the moves. I wouldn't apologise unless you have definitely said something thats hostile to girlfriend.

I'm interested that you mention one child who has needed a lot of attention because of illness.

As the eldest he would have been used to more attention before this came along and along comes a young woman who wants him all just for her - but as I say, trust in the love you have given. Please don't try and get his sibs involved in finding stuff out.

Yes true I had the kids in pairs two then two then two then one lol his girlfriend has a brother who is six years older thats what I can't understand as he got on with his sister 18 and the 13 year old brother and 12 sister I know what you mean about the younger ones but he was very close to the six year old cause of his eplisey etc the

Mumzyto7

Thank you all siblings are younger 18 13.12.7.6.9monthes all still at home no they don't see him only when he wants the rest of his belongings lol

He's 20. The others, apart from the 18 year old are so different in age that they are likely to have little in common and different interests. To be frank, he's probably pleased to be away from them. With a bit of luck, in the years to come, te age difference many not be so imoirtant and they may become friends.

Mumzyto7

Not forgotting mother's instinct it never leaves you even at that age you spend so many years raising them then this happens

So far it's been 20 years. My Father, an only child, didn't get on to well with his mother because she disliked him and my mom having 4 children with 7 years. It so happens that I, the eldest loved my GM, but of course, I had no notion of the relationship between parents and grandparents. My GM even asked my dad when he was going to get his hair cut. This was in the 60s when hair was a little bit longer than the short back and sides that he'd had as a young man.

You still have 6 more children at home to cope with so get on with that and feel a little bit thankful that you have one less at home to look after. Less bed making, less clothes washing etc etc.

I remember when I left home, it was the day England won the World Cup, back in 1966. My parents dropped me off at the hostel - found the TV room and watched the football. I thought nothing further about leaving. My Mum was very upset, but she got over it.

He was close to his 18 year old sister which I can't understand then the 13 and 12 he was very close all a mixture of ages and gender

Six siblings 18 13 12 7 6 nine months all at home and yes missed all there birthdays etc this year

Thank you all siblings are younger 18 13.12.7.6.9monthes all still at home no they don't see him only when he wants the rest of his belongings lol

Sounds like a "soap opera" .. So sorry to hear that there are issues regarding a girlfriend and the abuse of his personal finances and his lack of respect for his own family (parents and siblings).

Perhaps some counselling type of therapy would shed some light on the situation for you as a mother and how better to cope with and handle the dilema.

All my best wishes ..