Relationship advice needed please

I am a bit confused as to how often you visit, you have said that you are expected to leave from dog sitting as soon as they return but also say that you only see your grandchild for a few hours, Are these extra visits not related to the dog sitting?

The baby is only four months old so surely the French trips have not happened very often especially as you say they are planned weeks in advance.

The French visits are not just about the baby, your daughter-in-law probably wants to visit her family regardless of the baby.

Some think twice-yearly visits are acceptable, and some weekly, you need to ask what the parents think is acceptable and accept it even if it is not what you want to happen.

It tends to happen being the inlaw unfortunately i have two lovely daughter inlaw but both head to parents before me. Why don’t you offer to babysit so they can have a night out etc that’s what I did and now I babysit once a month so they have a night out but they do live a few hundred miles away so they stay in a hotel for the night but I’m there a few days. My youngest lives near me and I babysit my grandson but not as much has her parents but they have a spare bedroom I don’t. But unless you offer there can’t read your mind.

Your daughter-in-law's family live in France, so obviously visits to or from them have to be made in good time before the actually take place - a point that you seem to have totally overlooked.

And travelling with a four month old infant, apparently more than once since the child was born, cannot be anything but tiring for the parents.

So whatever you do or say now, please take a deep breath and consider these two points.

You don't say how well you get on with your DIL but surely you could ask her if her parents will be coming anytime soon and add that you always found travelling with an infant so tiring that you imagine she must be worn out.

You could say you would be delighted if DIL. son and baby came to yours for a meal, but hesitate to ask, as it probably is easier for them all if you visit them, rather than the other way around. Offer to cook a meal at home and bring it with you, when you visit.

Say you don't want to seem either to be ignoring the fact that the young family may have enough to do establishing a routine and not want or need visits, or uncaring by staying away, But you would like her to know that you would like to see more of the new family and help as best you can.

DGD keeps auto correcting

Take heart he's still little my DHD 1 and 2 now 6 and 8 will demand to see us and ask for sleepovers too in the holidays .Despite the other Granny being favoured in the beginning

Hear, hear Mama2020! Dil makes arrangements to see her parents so it's down to DS to do the same. As he isn't doing this then maybe he needs a nudge?
I don't think inviting them round for a meal is a very good idea when quite a lengthy journey with a new baby is involved - not easy.

I am having a terrible time, one grandchild 6 years old, one daughter. This summer holiday ive seen her once. She lives 15 mins away. I will fit in any time any place. But no the wonderful relationship me and grandchild had is fast slipping away. They are only concerned with selves, even when i was ill no thought. I have tried everything and will continue for granddaughter sake but it is heartbreaking. I do hope karma is real.

Talk to them, and also when you dogsit, when they get back suggest that you take grandchild out the way for a bit while they unpack etc

This is a repeat of a thread posted earlier this week, to which I responded. The thread was then removed. When I asked the question why had it disappeared I was advised that the OP had been ‘removed’ by GNHQ, for some reason. It would seem that this is the third time NewNana2 has posted this.

Yes it is Madgran. Well said Redhead.

It’s unfair to stereotype especially if there is no experience of being a parent or grandparent.

It certainly is!

I have sisters who said they did not want to have children. They live hundreds of miles away and often rang up with their words of wisdom how to be a parent. I was often astounded by their knowledge based on nothing what so ever to do with the concept of family. Beside our parents and their siblings they didn’t have in-laws either as they chose single lives.

Quite often paternal grandparents are left out with no rhyme or reason and it can be hurtful. On the other hand there is no doubt that some family members want access to GC and make unreasonable demands on new parents. That’s perfectly true the subject is often discussed on here.

However not all grandparents do make demands they just want to be loving and included and for whatever reason miss out. It’s unfair to stereotype especially if there is no experience of being a parent or grandparent.

NewNana2 - thanks for popping back with an update.
I hope that things feel a bit better.

I am continuously confounded by people on Gransnet who seem to view any g.children (specially tiny babies) as some sort of commodity to beshared out equally between thbemselves, other g.parents and the actual parents

Yes when I read these types of threads I am glad I made the unselfish decision to be child free. Families now (usually with both parents working) find it difficult enough to carve out quality time for themselves without extended family members butting in and making entitled demands.

It’s very helpful to read your comments- thank you. I’ve talked to my son about how we felt. We listened to each other and acknowledged that some errors have been made and discussed way forward. I’ve also talked at length to a few friends who are mothers of adult sons with children. Unfortunately my situation is more widespread than originally thought. All these other women are going through near identical experiences with the DiLs, sons and children. Thanks again for your advice.

I see more of the GC who live closer - of course. My eldest daughter trusts me to babysit, sometimes, or help out in the holidays but brings them here. I've only ever been to her house at Christmas.

The youngest daughter lives a good three hours away, so her family tend to come and stay for a long weekend, just two or three times a year. I've only visited a couple of times - as it's too long a day, really.

My younger son brings his kids quite often, usually visiting and staying with them (DIL at work) but sometimes they have a night out, not often, and I babysit.

Older son has no kids yet - so my contact with GC is quite infrequent - but I've never wanted more. They're not my kids and I have other things to do. I wore out my maternal side bring up my four!

I have absolutely no idea what the other grandparents do or how involved they are. I've only met them once or twice - so how would I?

Mama20 - nope, don’t you get it, it’s always the daughter in law 😏

You mentioned your DIL makes plans weeks in advance to see her parents. Is it not your son's responsibility to be doing the same if he wishes?

OR you could say ^we'd like to see more of YOU!

I think that daughters tend to rely on their mothers and not on their mother in laws for baby sitting /child care .
There are exceptions , of course .
My mother in law used to stare at her grandchildren and seemed to have no interest in them .
My sister in law had the same experience .

Maybe your son and DIL think that you have enough to do dog sitting .

It's up to you - you can say nothing and continue to feel ignored or you could say we'd like to see more of our grandson .
Tread carefully - the one thing that you want to avoid is THE FAMILY ROW in which heated words are exchanged and not forgotten !

It’s about loving caring relationships, good communication and not expecting daft things like ‘equal rights’.

If you’re unhappy about how often you see grandchildren, reflect on what that might be about. Most people manage to muddle through.
Sadly, some people thoughtless and focussed on their own needs. They can be parents or grandparents. It’s a pity but it’s reality. Those families might improve things with self reflection, even therapy. But - there are no rights where family relationships are concerned. Other than the right not to be abused

Two and a half hours is quite a long way away really, not likely to just pop in for a quick chat. I expect it might not be long before you are dog and baby sitting. Unfortunately, seeing the GC can never be apportioned out equally and as baby is still so small I expect your DIL wants her mum, it certainly sounds like it if she is trailing off to France all the time. I don't know if she is French but if so there will be cultural differences in bringing up baby.

hi franbern - i guess after reading your post i would want to add some generalisations. Some parents do weaponise their children and favour one grandparent over another, and some don’t get to help with even one grandchild, so lucky for you, you did ! not all parents are objective enough to find a way to incorporate equally sharing time with grandparents and in my case, i offered all practical options cleaning, cooking, dog walking, baby sitting but unfortunately i can be deprived any time with my GD at will and just have to suck it up because that’s the power of parents. But parents don’t hang about when they need a babysitter or any practical help. i’m always bailing my son out financially and help him save money - yet when his wife says i’m not welcome then i’m not welcome. Is that about treating a GC as a commodity or a weapon to kick me out when it’s fancied.

I am continuously confounded by people on Gransnet who seem to view any g.children (specially tiny babies) as some sort of commodity to beshared out equally between thbemselves, other g.parents and the actual parents.

When my g.children were four months of age, most of them I hd seen at the most twice. One more than that as due to sad cvirciumstacnes I was needed to help whislt Mum went back to work, two less than that as they lived too far away.

Except for the one I was helped out with, all the others I saw maybe three or four times each year, sometimes less as they grew up. We all made sure that those times were very special and I maintained a good relationship with them all.

Several of them are now adults, and even the younger ones are in secondary school . Just had a wonderful three days visit from that g.daughter I helped out with during childhood, and her Mum, and an invite and arrangement for me to visit her at her flat the other side of the country. See her now at the most twice a year.

The number of times you see (in the flesh) adult children and g. children needs have no bearing on how good a relationship is.

When a young couple have small babies, surely the best thing to do is (if it is possible), is to give them as much help as they require - NOT playing and looking after baby - but things like shopping, washing, gardening, etc. etc. Leave them to have as much family time as possible.

Do you see them any more/less than when they were just a couple?