V3ra Thank you!!
Nannarose I appreciate your insight. Thankfully I do have family however at my age, I don't want to make a thing of this with my adult children. But your words are very helpful. Thank you!
aggie Thank you, that is very helpful! Just the lift I needed!
Who ever said that life was meant to be fair? That would suggest that life of itself had a purpose and plan.
Life is a combination of millions of chance events that we do our best to manage to our advantage. and according to any principles we mayhave.
I can relate to the feelings of unfairness in life. I know some people who are horrible and have it all. Seems so unfair when there are genuine, honest people who struggle with illness, poverty etc.
It sounds to me like you were better at being a minister's wife than your husband was at being a minister. It isn't all about being at every single service, entertaining properly and agreeing with everything. The fact that you and he divorced and you brought up your children alone says a lot about your husband, and the fact that these pillars of religion and respectability are living very comfortable lifestyles says a lot about their dedication (not) to the teaching of the man they are supposed to be following.
Success is not about being beautiful or handsome or having all the trappings of wealth and a comfortable lifestyle. Stop thinking about them, and think more about the family you raised and whether they are settled and happy - though maybe not rich!
Do you have other things to fill your mind with? friends, hobbies, creative skills, interests, causes to work or campaign for? Put the past to the back of the cupboard, where it belongs. Live in the present, and plan for the future.
Please don't sit around and compare your life now with acquaintances from the past. Mainly because you have no idea what their lives are really like. Just as they didn't know or understand what yours was like when you were married.
Just be content with what you have now, with how you behaved within the marriage and strived to give your children the best possible start in life.
If you feel your looks have aged more - be proud that your efforts went into your family and not at the beauticians.
Are you proud of how you have supported your children by yourself for all these years?
Would you actually want to still be living the life these other people are?
It all sounds a bit superficial as you describe it.
There will always be people who seem to have a better lifestyle than you do.
Other people, who you may not even be aware of, are probably envious of your situation.
"To thine own self be true."
It sounds as if you are in the US, and sometimes it can be difficult to advise across cultures.
Maybe the nub of the problem is in the title - comparing yourself to others is a zero-sum game.
I would begin by telling yourself that you made the best decision you could, at the time, in the best interests of the most important people (your children)
Sounds to me like the Head Minister was trying to shift the blame from his poor mangement to you - don't let him!
You don't mention any real friends or family who can help you feel better - can you try to spend time with people who will build you up for who you are?
Good luck
Raising four children is an achievement for a loving couple , but on your own it must have been a mountain !
And you have kept to your morals , that’s an achievement
Don’t bother looking at those un feeling people as an example , they weren’t very moral in their lack of help for you
Being your own person is the aim and you have done it 💐
As I've gotten older I've accepted both my failures and my accomplishments, as well as how my appearance has changed. I have gotten into a habit now of comparing myself to people from my past who have aged better, look better, are relatively healthy, are still happily married, have meaningful work, beautiful children and grandkids. For me, I was married to a Minister and as a result I did alot of teaching, counseling as his wife. After he had a moral failing, we ended up divorcing and the people who were our friends and peers basically never called. It was an uphill journey for me as a single mother who basically was along raising my small children. At some point I wanted to do the right thing and telephoned the head Minister he had been working for to apologize for what had happened. Instead of asking how we were or how I was faring, he told me that I was a terrible minister's wife. After 30 years it still echoes through my mind. I always put my babies first and not the church. I also disagreed with some things but never said anything. I did put my family first and admittedly did not meet the expectations he and his wife had of me which I didn't even know existed. I didn't entertain properly and didn't attend all 3 church services every week, mostly because I was exhausted or crying due to my husband's behavior. Many of the people who we knew and some our peers grew up in the church and I'm not sure could survive outside of its cacoon. I didn't and as a result found some practices odd and not respectful of other religions. Now in my mid 60's I looked up some of the people from those days who we worked with. I found myself astonished that they are still doing the same thing while living a very comfortable lifestyle as the churches they are working in are the mega church type. The wives are beautiful and the husbands are handsome and daunt on them (at least on the surface - these are online videos of them mind you) I feel like I look 10 years older than they and like a failure. Has anyone else done this as well? How did you pull yourself out of it?
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