Comparing Oneself

Thank you for ALL of your fabulous perspectives!!! I found I couldn't respond to each there were so many, but wanted to tell you that EACH one helped so much. Fellow Grans can be the best advisors! I actually received a call from one of these people I spoke of out of blue this week after writing this.
It was an opportunity to speak up and speak the truth, which I was able to do due to the confidence I gained from you all.
Thanks again so much.

wellbeck Absolutely YES. Stepford wives is the perfect analogy. Thank you for that very illustrative and accurate reminder!!! Perfect. :-)

Just stop comparing yourself, you can't do anything about it, all that is water under the bridge now. Enjoy the time you have .

Firstly that head Minister should not be in the position he is in and should be ashamed of himself - talk about victim blaming!

Your husband had the moral failing so please do not listen to those archaic and misogynistic views! I feel sorry for that head Ministers wife having to live with such an imbecile!

You have raised children and for that alone should have a lot of pride in yourself.

Secondly (I take a quote from social media) "May their lives be as awesome as they pretend they are on Facebook"

There are so many filters on phones and it's easy to smile on pictures yet be in battles behind closed doors. However these women look, I guarantee isn't an accurate representation of the reality of their lives.

If you spend all your time looking in the rear view mirror, you miss all the beautiful scenery around you now and you forget to look forward to what lies ahead - leave the past in the past and create every ounce of happiness in your life that you can.

Don't like where you are? You are not a tree so move! Don't like your hair? Book an appointment for a new style! Don't like your wardrobe? Book a (no obligation) personal shopper and try some new styles you would not have considered before! Don't like your features? Book a lesson with a make-up artist and learn to enhance your natural beauty!

All this is not about how you look, it's about what makes you feel good and boosts your confidence.

Keep your chin held high and remember that a smile is the most beautiful accessory you can wear.

Lou, it sounds a s if you were almost in a vict or a very strict judgemental community. I remember once in New Engkand being in a church, White and pretty but all the owes were designed do you couldn't see your neighbour, I had the audacity to say toma very handsome guy, how strange having a church where no one saw each other, his reply, Ma'am we come to worship the Lord not look upon each other, not a hint of friendliness or humour, it sent a shiver through me. Turns out he was the Minister, heaven help the congregation.Who the heck did he think he was? I afraid if I had been in his company we would have argued, felt extremely glad not to live in that suffocating place despite the beauty if it. . You broke away from people who were false, despite their superior view of being extremely religeous.
Do not ever think you are not good enough, everyone is , be thankful you did a good job raising four children, I hope they appreciate you. So What if your face bears some lines and you look a bit older than your contempories, I look at a person and see the kindness, not wrinkles . I notice how they treat others, that's what matters, how you make others feel in your company. Be proud you gave your family a better life away from those dreadful people, why you sought their approval I don't know. Life got you, font look back, you did it.

You are enough. Yes be true to yourself.
I cannot comprehend the simple-minded snobbery of the people who judged you so harshly and unfairly. They are false people who do not deserve your time being wasted in thinking about them.
Put them behind you and move forward just being the good and decent person you know yourself to be.

Have you read the Desiderata poem..it is beautiful and advises not comparing yourself with others.there will always be those weaker and stronger than you.

As I’ve grown older (disgracefully) I’ve stopped giving a damn about what others think

Agree 100%. Ive put a huge amount into the community throgh the work Ive done and the taxes Ive paid and I dont owe any one the right to tell me what to do. Within the law I go my own way, look and dress as I want.

I appreciate how in some states the church is the very center of the community in a way that it no longer is here in UK. Is there not another smaller church you can join where people do not know and judge you?

I know someone who is constantly looking at what others have and wanting to have what they have and more. Comparing themself with others. It's not something I've ever done. I have what I have and they have what they have. Interesting but that's them and I am me.
The other day I read somewhere "comparison kills joy". Thought provoking. In other words, enjoy what you do have.
My grandfather used to say "If you haven't got what you like, like what you've got." That's probably a bit more difficult though.

Comparing ourselves to others is fatal. You can easily disappear down a rabbit hole doing that. Learn to love the life you have. That way lies contentment if not happiness.

You can’t buy peace of mind. x

we all have our good and bad points , but I think these people from your past are not the ones to be in touch with, especially as they are so critical ( and should probably look at themselves in the mirror before they say anything else) They do not show a christian way of behaving at all and I think that you might feel much better getting involved with new people , possibly new hobbies or groups which have no connection to these people from the past. It can be hard looking outside your groups but it does not sound as though they have been at all helpful to you in the past so looking elsewhere would be more positive. Naturally people put their best picture or occasion on show and are less likely to talk about or show their failures, but they are human and of course will have made their own mistakes in the past. We used to say take the story with a pinch of salt, well now we need to say take the emails or pictures on line with an equal amount of salt. Just think , when you look back at photos from throughout your life, you are nearly always smiling or dressed in your best for a wedding or whatever. But only looking at those pictures and nothing else would not give a true view of the whole of your life. That applies to everyone. You have brought up your family and now is a time to look and see what you would like to do and go ahead and give it a go. Good luck with the future

Sounds like a smug lot,very short sighted & unkind,look in the mirror and smile,you did a brilliant job 4 children well brought up is a huge task.Never look back look forward,just appreciate you escaped a dull lot.

LouLou23 You were very brave and probably have more achievements than you are giving yourself credit for. You stayed true to your self, made your own way in difficult circumstances, raised your children and made it through to where you are now. Give yourself credit and where possible don't compare yourself with anyone, especially those from your painful past.

We have a long term friend who is a ministers wife, she is in her 60's and looks amazing, their life looks great from the outside, however ...

Sadly all is far from well, She is very careful who she talks to but has said she would have divorced had her husband been in any other occupation.

So may be some of those you are looking at aren't as happy as they look to you. But you are where you are and they are where they are.

Work towards accepting things as they are and be kinder to yourself. May be show yourself the kindness that the church people didn't show you in your time of need.

As I’ve grown older (disgracefully) I’ve stopped giving a damn about what others think, I have a good relationship with my four adult children and stepdaughter, a husband who’s annoying like most men, a few very good, caring, close friends, a few acquaintances and I just don’t care ! No point in comparing as one can find someone better educated, better qualified, achieved more and richer but I also there’s ton of people who might not have achieved what I have! Be proud and confident and don’t worry about comparisons xx

You did the right thing which is not always the easiest thing - all credit to you..,
Hold you head high.
What lucky children to have you as their Mum.
Those in ‘authority’ who spoke harshly to you were not fit for their role.
That was their problem not yours.
Gp referral
For counselling ?
It’s never too late and hope you have found a loving and compassionate church/faith to support you.
Sending love xxx

Comparisons are odious - as are the people to whom you are comparing yourself. Believe me, you are the one with values and faith. They are dummies with a veneer of righteousness that is warped.

Not an ounce of compassion from that horrible head Minister! I would bet after 30 years he’s not a “pillar” of morality or leadership any longer using those tactics.

Judging from your life story - you have overcome your challenges and hurdles. I would be very proud of the strength you have inside you.

The people you may be comparing yourself to don’t really matter much in your life, or they shouldn’t be taking up so much head space. They may be shallow and uninteresting. Perish the thought.

You have far more important things to do. Shine on in your pursuits and endeavors, live your life with gratitude at what you have accomplished with raising your family and other things.

Inward beauty is better than outward beauty. You’re still young so go out and tackle a few interests while you can.
Good luck!
USA Gundy

LouLou23, Why compare yourself to others? Do you really think their public persona (the image they present) is the reality of their lives? It's highly unlikely. When I met an old colleague, I didn't recognise her - at all. She was not the person I remembered - or like her photo online. Of course, she'd had her hair and makeup done for a party - and that was the photo!

You say that you've accepted your failures and accomplishments - but have you really? It doesn't sound like it. We're just human, after all, so we make mistakes and then we forgive ourselves - or we should.

It seems as if you vastly overestimate the value/worth/deeds and goodness of others - as you value their opinions too much. Have you put the head minister on some pedestal? Why care what he thinks?

At the same time, you've underestimated your own worth, so you feel inferior to others. That's just plain wrong - so stop it! You are great just as you are, you achieved much in your life - so now, just look ahead (not back) and enjoy yourself from now on.

I don't know why you would value the opinion of the head minister. You are a hero, raising your children alone alongside a difficult time in your life.

As for comparing yourself to others, there will be other people who compare themselves to you and see themselves lacking in some way. If you must look at comparisons look at those who are not as beautiful or successful as you, it will make you feel better.

they sound a bit like stepford wives.
you are well out of it.
onwards and upwards.

This does not sound like the sort of Christianity I would wish any involvement with... wisdom, compassion and kindness are the sort of qualities which reveal true beauty.. and it sounds like you had it in bucketloads and weren't appreciated.. enjoy what you have achieved, it sounds very worthwhile...

MOnica Interesting perspective. I appreciate you sharing it.

Coronation Yes I agree. I think as we get older, we realize so many of our ideals were just that - ideals. Our wisdom helps us to see reality, which isn't always sugarcoated! We do however get to share in what is important in life to us. I'm glad we have this site to share and support each other!

Elegran I just love "Put the past to the back of the cupboard, where it belongs" and all of your message! Thank you for taking the time. Yes, I think part of my dilemma is that I have not accepted the fact that I did succeed in trying to be genuine among many actors. I appreciate the affirmation. Helps so much. And yes, lol I need to get out more!

wildswan16 Very good advice!! Thank you so much!