Daughter may have ADHD - having problems parenting

ComeOnGran

Hi, I see there is another ADHD thread on here, but rather than hijack that I thought it best to start another one.
My DD is finding parenting hard, she has a supportive husband and a MIL who is quite close and helpful. We live 200 miles away. Over the summer holidays she seemed to come quite close to a breakdown - she has two boys aged 6 and 2 - and it was associated with her ability to cope with looking after the boys full time. We spent two weeks there (we go for a long weekend every month usually) during the school holidays, and witnessed her having a scary meltdown. Things have improved quite a bit since then - especially since term resumed.
Her brother has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, as has a close friend and DD is wondering if she also has it. It does make a lot of sense - it’s something we have wondered about before but she has always been able to perform well academically which made us think ‘no’. However, she did find working in an office difficult and now is a freelance writer.
I was wondering if any grans have experience of parenting with ADHD, either themselves or through their children. DD is going the diagnosis route but that could take a while, and I wonder if anyone can recommend any resources that might help? Or have general advice? Looking for strategies to help her manage parenting activities.
Thank you!

I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until age 30 and so much made more sense after (once the initial shock and denial passed). As you likely know, there is a strong genetic component to ADHD. It's quite common for girls and women to go undiagnosed because our symptoms tend to present differently. I was a good student, but struggled with some specific subjects, where I was labeled "lazy." I was never hyperactive, but tended to space out when I wasn't interested in something and could get overstimulated very easily. I cried and tired easily (and still do).

It's wonderful that your DD is open to pursuing an evaluation and possible diagnosis. It's never too late! I think the most important things she can do in the meantime are to work with a therapist to try and help identify potential triggers (for me, I am triggered by chaotic noise, touch and messes), and seek out ADHD resources that are specific to women/mothers. I do well with a google calendar that has tons of alerts, timers/alarms on my phone, and a strict schedule posted in the kitchen. I also rely on my husband to be a partner in getting everything done, rather than just being a "helper."

If she is diagnosed with ADHD and she wants to consider medication, I will say that it is incredibly helpful when you find the right dosage.

Thanks M0nica for the links. We are at the beginning of this journey so it’s useful to get as much info as possible and to benefit from others’ experience.

Hetty58

'Resources to help'? My first thought is that there's no simple solution. I have autism and my son-in-law has ADHD. We're all so different that it's like saying I'm Chinese and he's Russian. There are more individual differences than similarities.

I was 'diagnosed' (although it's not an illness) in my forties. The only help was that it provided a reason/explanation of why I find some difficult things easy - and some (apparently) simple things very complex. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I find childcare easy (ish) as I have a lot of patience and a good sense of fun. I'm not a worrier either.

Some people are very stressed by the summer 'break' with six weeks of full time responsibility for children. A single father I knew would take his four kids camping for five of those weeks. They always went to the same place, with a pool and entertainment. He said it made life simple as there was a limited choice of things to do - beach or camp, cafe or cook etc. That's how he coped, so we all need to find our own way of getting through things.

All you can do is to offer help and/or a break - plus the vital acceptance, understanding and support as needed. Don't see her difficulties as a problem to be solved.

I agree that there is no easy answer and people are just people with all their differences and abilities. I think for all of us, both DD herself and those supporting her, it helps us to understand that she isn’t being ‘difficult’ but that she has real problems with certain things (time management being one of them).

As I said ADHD is not a cut and dried problem like measles. It affects different people in different ways and with greater and less severity and each person has to work out strategies that suit them.

For me, mainly, it has been understanding which of my behaviours rises from ADHD and then trying to see how I can recognise and manage it. For example, when feeling stressed or excited, I tend to talk very fast and non-stop. I have learnt to recognise when this is happening and try and stop, take a deep breath and consciously slow down. The same thing when my mind is racing. Alternatively I have a friend who just says 'Shut up M0nica, you are jabbering', which is also very effective.

Once you inderstand each problem, you look at it and think what would help you. There are self-help groups and organisations .

here are some links that may help. adhduk.co.uk/ , www.nhs.uk/conditions/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/living-with/ , www.adhdadult.uk/

'Resources to help'? My first thought is that there's no simple solution. I have autism and my son-in-law has ADHD. We're all so different that it's like saying I'm Chinese and he's Russian. There are more individual differences than similarities.

I was 'diagnosed' (although it's not an illness) in my forties. The only help was that it provided a reason/explanation of why I find some difficult things easy - and some (apparently) simple things very complex. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I find childcare easy (ish) as I have a lot of patience and a good sense of fun. I'm not a worrier either.

Some people are very stressed by the summer 'break' with six weeks of full time responsibility for children. A single father I knew would take his four kids camping for five of those weeks. They always went to the same place, with a pool and entertainment. He said it made life simple as there was a limited choice of things to do - beach or camp, cafe or cook etc. That's how he coped, so we all need to find our own way of getting through things.

All you can do is to offer help and/or a break - plus the vital acceptance, understanding and support as needed. Don't see her difficulties as a problem to be solved.

I think having that knowledge would help her understand why she has difficulties with things like time management. Otherwise she just feels like a failure. I was hoping that someone might be able to suggest some resources to help.

I have ADHD, as do son and grandson. Son is a university lecturer. I have three degrees and had a successul professional career. ADHD is no barrier to success in life.

On the other hand neither I nor DS have had the parenting problems you describe. Neither of us is in the habit of having meltdowns and DS is a gentle loving exemplere parent.

I think the fist thing you need to do is banish your preconceptions of how ADHD affects people and stop seeing it as a label to stick on people. A diagnosis of ADHD isjust that - a diagnosis and no more. Once you have the diagnosis then you can see how it affects the indivdual - and it will affect everyone differently, you can then see what can be done to help them deal with some of the problems.

I confess I prefer learning to manage the problem preferable to drugs, although there will be times when they are necessary, but I have found once I understood the problem, many of the solutions gradually revealed themselves.

The understanding of neuro diversity is very recent and at the moment it does seem to be a bandwagon that everyone wants to jump on. For those of us who have known and lived with it for decades, all the hype seems to have led to lots of people sticking labels on themselves and then using it to excuse any difficult behaviour.

Having the label of ADHD will not make any difference, she will still be who she is.

Ask her what help she needs and try to arrange it, although as you say she has a supportive husband and mother in law it is hard to see what else she need.