I should think of myself more

I am obviously incredibly selfish, but, no, I do not spend all my time thinking about my family. In fact most of the time I am not thinking of them at all. It happens that neith AC lives near us, so we are not always vsiting and in and out of each others houses.

Also, from childhood I was always determined never to subsume myself entirely into marriage and family but always keep an independent life with independent interests and a career. Fortunately I married someone who like me had a working mother and was as keen for me to continue to be myself and have autonomy.

So as much as I love my children and grand children, I have lots of outside interests and we see each other for weeks at a time during school holidays and shorter periods in between, and when they are not with us, I give them a passing thought now and again and get on with all the other things I do in life, as does DH.

I’m absolutely the same as you in every way Skydancer. I know I must change, but how? We obviously have a great need to be loved by everyone.

There is a lot to be said SporeRB about the article you read, I really can relate to it. Skydancer, my mother once said to me that there are 2 types of people, givers and takers (obviously it's not so black and white as this!) and there can be more joy in giving than receiving for some. I'm never happier than with my family but I'm aware they have their own lives too, so I also nurture friendships. Good friends are such a blessing. Enjoy your family Skydancer but also other times too.

Frenchgalinspain

Blue Belle,

Very wise advice given to Sky Dancer ( I believe ) ..

i agree.
BlueBelle put it much better than i did.
and i apologise if my comments were too stark in expression.

I was very like that, up until short while ago when i realised dd doesn't really bother in the slightest. We are only here once im very aware of wasting any more time on such one way relationship. You must think of yourself and husband, get a engrossing hobby i find that really helps.

Your family will be there for you when you need them.

Lower your expectations for now, they are busy with their lives. But continue to be available when they need a hand with the kids, etc.

They will not forget you.
USA Gundy

If I’m to be completely honest I’m thinking about the AC and GC all the time even though I pretend otherwise. I have a wonderful DH and other things and people in my life. Nothing makes me happier than time spent with them and being in touch with them. I had a very small and fractured family in my childhood and relish what I have now. I’m careful not to let them see this. To me all this is perfectly normal.

I agree AGAA44 our lives are not defined by our children and grandchildren and nor should they be. We are much more interesting people with outside hobbies and interests. It's easier for me to pontificate as I'm not really a maternal person.
Enjoy all of your life skydancer not just a part of it.

You need distraction from thinking about your family too much. I think of mine often but not to the exclusion of all other thoughts. Hobbies that keep you happily occupied can help to turn off repetitive thoughts. Find something you like doing that will absorb you or join a group like local history or art where people are discussing other things than family.
Just be you and not a parent or grandparent for a while.

Good grief, get a life. Since I turned 70 12 years ago and widowed I decided that number one would be myself. I help my boys as much as I can both practically and financially but I certainly don't spend all day thinking of them as much as I love my boys, my grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Skydancer, I know just how you feel. I have 5 AC and 5GC aged from 10 months to 12 years. All live fairly close by. Over the last couple of years they’ve all had problems of different sorts - bereavement, mental health issues, a marriage breakdown - which have affected us hugely as a family. My DH and I are the people that they turn to and it’s been affecting my health recently as I’m constantly supporting them, worrying about them and doing my best to help. I’ve realised that I need to put myself first sometimes in order to be able to continue supporting them and I have groups I belong to but it’s easier said than done. We’re on our way to stay with friends for the weekend right now but we nearly cancelled as our DDs husband isn’t in a good place with his mental health and she’s struggling to cope. I’ve asked 2 of my DSs to be on hand to help out if necessary and we’re hoping we can have a relaxing weekend before we return to the fray!

Certainly seems obsessive behaviour. You have a caring element in your nature so why not get involved with a charity that provides care eg children, animals. You don't need to be hands on but would know you are helping overall with support.

welbeck

from the title it sounds as if you live alone.
don't you care about your husband.
maybe you should think of him more.

That’s a little unkind !

Hi Skydancer. You probably sound like a lot of us. I love being involved in the lives of my AC and GC but made an effort to join some groups and meet up with friends regularly. My DD commented a while ago that she liked it that I have a life of my own - I think a friends mother tried too hard to take over/ interfere - the line is fine between support/ interfering. We are so lucky to have our AC/GC around = enjoy but remember it is their time now and sometimes step back and wait for them to call on us .

Blue Belle,

Very wise advice given to Sky Dancer ( I believe ) ..

I wish my DD could read your post, Skydancer. Her 2 sons, our (well, my now) DGSs are 20 and 17, both fine young men with, I would hope and expect, good prospects.
But she always needs to find something to worry about one or both of them. She struggles not to cyberstalk them and micromanage their lives. I know she is dreading the time when they finally leave.
Is she now feeling that we, as parents, expected her and her brother to get on with their lives without very much overt input from us? Is she reacting against our policy of benign neglect?

Skydancer & Bright breezy:- I too have 2 AC & 3 GC, & I too find myself thinking about them 99% of the time. But..,...........it's very subtle, in the back of my mind all the time. Mind you I was like this with my children. Even when I'm away e.g.on a holiday, I'm thinking about them, once I've heard from them I'm abit more relaxed. It must be a feeling that many of us experience, naturally.

‘Irismarle
What is the abbreviation AC, please?’

I think it means adult children, but all these abbreviations can be quite confusing!

Adult Children

What is the abbreviation AC, please?

Oh crikey no. I love my 4 children and husband dearly also grandchildren but no I do not think of them to the same degree as you do. I have lots of hobbies take myself out and about see friends and keep myself busy. It does sound very ott to me. I get regular texts from them all all lead busy lives also grandchildren here there and everywhere . They all know where I am if needed as long as my family are happy and well I’m happy.

Grannytomany

Skydancer

That's what I myself think but how to stop.

For starters, try and get yourself in some regular activities which are yours and no one else’s so your mind is distracted from constant thoughts of family.

Secondly, gradually make yourself less available to help with family stuff and in particular don’t be too ready to change your plans to accommodate those of someone in the family.

I did both these things and although it was hard and I did feel quite selfish for a while it has all turned out fine.

Totally agree with making yourself less available. DH and I would change plans to accommodate requests and realised we were missing out on our activities sometimes.
Still help out but on our terms. There are certainly no ill feelings on our DD’s sides and they make another plan.
It’s hard to begin with and you feel selfish but you can’t live your life according to their schedules

Perhaps you can try some CBT or meditation? Both are tried and tested for me. So easy to not pay attention to yourself these days.

I am like you CrazyH well similar!

LOUISA1523

welbeck

from the title it sounds as if you live alone.
don't you care about your husband.
maybe you should think of him more.

I'm sure OP does care about her husband 🙄
As previous PPs said its all about balance and CBT can be very helpful

well it doesn't sound like it.
he's just mentioned in passing along with friends and other activities.
the whole thing is cock-eyed.
you cannot re-live happy childhood with granny by trying to be the perfect all-encompassing granny, and thus making AC/GC into supporting actors for this role play.
it is not healthy. it won't work.
you have chosen your husband.
you made a commitment to him, and he to you, that you would be each other's number one support.
that is your adult reality.
you need to embrace it.
none of us can live in the past.