Future-proofing and how to avoid becoming over- dependent

M0nica

Casdon that is why I said that life doesn't necessarily get small.

It does for some but ti is not inevitable. As I always say, people's experience and life varies and the results are variable to.

I’m not convinced, because I think as more and more of your longstanding friends die before you, people who knew you when you were young together, you keenly feel your isolation and although you have different social contacts and the younger members of your family, your world is smaller. It’s the rare exception I’d guess who still has friends from their youth by the time they are in their mid nineties. We all rely on our friends, the relationship with them helps us navigate through difficult times in our lives, and I know my parents miss theirs greatly. We’ll have to agree to differ.
I can see the benefits in the type of apartment LauraNorrder has gone for, it’s not for everybody but it does have many advantages.

Who knows when worse health will hit.

Not only that but our big five bedroom house, complete with holiday cottage, huge landscaped garden and surrounded by cows and sheep will be well loved by someone younger and more able. Best of all we won’t have to worry about maintenance, upkeep, costs. All gone.

In January we’ll be off to France for a month. York in May and Australia in August. Then twelve months travelling around the southern hemisphere.
In between that we’ll visit wonderful nearby cities with galleries, museums, theatres.
We’ll read as much as ever, spectate our favourite sports, attend classes that attract our interest.
All the while our little flat will be warm, secure and well looked after.
I don’t think my world is going to get smaller any time soon.

Casdon that is why I said that life doesn't necessarily get small.

It does for some but ti is not inevitable. As I always say, people's experience and life varies and the results are variable to.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

M0nica

Life doesn't necessarily get very small when you are very old.

My father lived to be 92. For the last 10 years he was a widower. His world was far from small. he had a cleaner and some gardening help, but insisted on cutting the grass himself. He was an active member of the local National Trust Group, on the committee and still outings orgaaniser, despite trying to shed the job. He was on the ward committee for the local Conservative party, although he no longer walked up and down streets leafleting, but no social event was complete without his victoria sponge and/or trifle and he was master of ceremonies at his local catholic church. Plus driving himself over to our house in France for holidays.

His final illness lasted three months.

Opposite us at the moment, we have a man who has just celebrated his 100 birthday. He puts his fitness down to walking a mile a day - still. Full in his right mind, he seems to know everyone in the village and we often chat for ages when we meet.

These days, extreme old age, does not mean a small and shrinking world. Look at Joan Collins!

Well, it has for my parents Monica. My dad is physically very fit, has an allotment, still rides his bike - but has early dementia, and forgets what he’s doing, so can’t operate the computer anymore. My mum is as sharp as a tack, but less mobile as she has osteoporosis and very poor sight. Together they complement each other, but neither could manage without the other. Their world has shrunk because so many of their friends have died, and they aren’t as mobile in that my dad no longer drives, and my mum can’t walk far. Going out in the evening is also difficult as they understandably feel vulnerable. So I’d beg to differ, because I think that them as for the majority of very elderly people, their world does shrink.

Germansheperdsmum I hear what you are saying, my dear Dad also would have struggled to be 'himself' in any care-home/ community living situation therefore he lived with us very happily for his last 11 years. I'm not a social animal either (didn't attend my last 4 talks/ concerts due to anxiety). The thought of a 'little community' if I'm frail does sound reassuring even if a bit daunting at the moment!

Life doesn't necessarily get very small when you are very old.

My father lived to be 92. For the last 10 years he was a widower. His world was far from small. he had a cleaner and some gardening help, but insisted on cutting the grass himself. He was an active member of the local National Trust Group, on the committee and still outings orgaaniser, despite trying to shed the job. He was on the ward committee for the local Conservative party, although he no longer walked up and down streets leafleting, but no social event was complete without his victoria sponge and/or trifle and he was master of ceremonies at his local catholic church. Plus driving himself over to our house in France for holidays.

His final illness lasted three months.

Opposite us at the moment, we have a man who has just celebrated his 100 birthday. He puts his fitness down to walking a mile a day - still. Full in his right mind, he seems to know everyone in the village and we often chat for ages when we meet.

These days, extreme old age, does not mean a small and shrinking world. Look at Joan Collins!

My doctor knows my intentions and despite my also taking antidepressants I felt that what I said was accepted as the statement of a sane and rational person. The conversation took place on a ‘good day’, though I’m more than capable of appearing to be having a good day when necessary.

Big Louis wrote:
"From time to time a nurse/health assistant comes and asks "do you ever have suicidal thoughts" and I assure them I dont. The last thing I want is some nosy social worker buzzing around questioning my sanity."

Samaritans use this form of words too. In actual fact voluntarily dying is a rational thought and suitable for responsible adults to decide upon.

It’s a difficult decision, but I see my 90+ parents struggling in a large old house now, and I don’t want that life for myself if I live as long. If fortunate to live to your very old age, the reality is that your world becomes very small, and things that we do automatically when younger become huge mountains. Having any work done in the house, keeping on top of bills etc., losing your mobility, and your eyesight all become huge challenges. They refused to consider moving, and don’t regret it, but it’s a very precarious independence indeed, and supported a great deal by all their children.

When it was obvious that DH’s Parkinson’s was changing his life and mine we moved to the next village for a larger village and a slightly smaller house. This has proved to be life enhancing and I was able to cope with DH at home until the last seven weeks of his life and the house will be perfectly manageable unless something catastrophic overtakes me. With the help of my wonderful cleaner (27 years and counting) and a gardener life works well most of the time. We did plan retirement quite carefully, and although once I can’t drive life will be harder I still think it will be possible.

I agree. Fine if you’re a social animal. I’m not, nor is my husband. It sounds a bit like living in an upmarket holiday camp (not that I’ve ever been to one). All very jolly. And I couldn’t live in a ‘little cul-de-sac of bungalows’ either. There are quite a lot in our nearest market town. I’m afraid I call them God’s waiting rooms. I can’t imagine ever being willing to surrender my individuality.

The problem with these things is that there is never one answer that is right for everyone. LauraNorder's solution is so wise and right - for them. It would my idea of purgatory, if not hell. That is not a criticism. It is simply a statement of how our lifestyles, both before and after we downsize vary.

It is interesting to see how varied people's decisions are and their rationales. It does rather make mincemeat out of think tanks beliefs that we are all champing at the bit to move into retirement flats and bungalows. Some of us do, but a lot of us don't.

You are right LauraNorder to raise the question about how to manage a house. However I know that I am not really suited to the life you describe (it sounds lovely though).
I have observed a couple of friends recently adapting to living alone in a large-ish house (I'm leaving the question of housing availability aside). Both feel that their much-loved house is part of them, and that moving would be like cutting off another part of their soul. I understand that, and am fairly sure it is how I will feel.
I have been as realistic as I can in terms of future-proofing and setting money aside for help / care. But I know that my love for this house and its setting is so strong that it would affect me badly to move.

Near me is a little cul de sac of bungalows, private not warden controlled or over 70s complex or anything. They have the most amazing community between them - mostly in the same age group, all looking out for each other, sharing shopping trips, lifts to doctors and have a pool of trusted tradesmen/ contacts etc. How reassuring to live like this!

managed retirement apartments, all good for those who have the money but most cannot afford the management fees which are commonly £6000+ per year. These companies. aimed at the moneyed retired, are not altruistic companies but money-making machines for men in suits likely based in london.

We upsized some years back so that we had room for increasingly frail elderly parents who have since sadly died. It was also to have a safer environment and possibly eventually ( once we needed help to care) room for a carer for our disabled AC who lives with us.
Move on a few years and our ages ( in our mid/late 60s) are showing. DH had heart issues last year and it made me even more aware that I could not manage ( or afford to run) this old rambling house and garden - and our AC, alone. Its difficult to discuss with DH who thinks his heart surgery has cured him so I'm quietly trying to look ahead and simplify life and look at supported options for our AC.
I like the idea eventually of a retirement complex with separate flats/houses but some communal space and facilities such as a cafe, support available as needed but all the ones I have looked into would not allow an AC under 50 to move in or stay for more than a few days. Does anyone know of supported private flats ( in the UK) that have mixed age groups?

keepcalmandcavachon

I'd happily be cared for in an old people's home if need be, make the best of it & so on. Wouldn't want my daughter to worry about my well being. She's told me that I would come to hers but I'd only do that if I knew that she could still live a full life. I am deeply touched by her intention though.

Agreed.

If it comes to truly needing care in a facility we'll have to move.

I'm not so sure why the focus on 'only 10% end up in a care home' -- it's obvious many pay for personal care/feeding and stay in their homes with help in the garden, with cleaning, windows, transport, pet walking.

I've no idea, really, but I imagine many many people stay on at home, not burdening their children, but paying the money they've saved for care -- for in-home help. We will, until/unless we can't.

I'd happily be cared for in an old people's home if need be, make the best of it & so on. Wouldn't want my daughter to worry about my well being. She's told me that I would come to hers but I'd only do that if I knew that she could still live a full life. I am deeply touched by her intention though.

I notice most of you who have said that you’ll stay in your large houses and adapt to ground floor living are still part of a couple.
Will you feel the same if you are left alone to cope with a large house, empty inaccessible upper floor rooms and dealing with gardeners, cleaners, etc.
Orlin and I are still reasonably fit and healthy 73 year olds. We took the decision to sell our large family home to a young family who can enjoy the space.
We have moved in to a two bed flat in a new retirement development. Our fellow residents seem to be like us and we’ll hopefully grow old together with our new friends.
We can treat the flat as a lock up and leave as we spend the kid’s inheritance (with their blessing) on travel or we can gad about locally taking advantage of good transport links.
We have had to be ruthless when disposing of large furniture and years of accumulated stuff. We have had fun shopping for new, smaller, modern furniture and putting up our most colourful cheerful pictures.
We can join lots of clubs, take part in local events and maintain old friendships while making new ones both inside and out of our new abode.
We can join our new friends in a lovely communal lounge without anyone having to host. We have a house manager who helps with any questions or problems (just like having a mum).
We decided to do this while we are capable of adapting to new surroundings and of making decisions without the pressure of bereavement or illness.
We discussed the move with our sons and pointed out possible financial loss to them. Their response was that they want to know that we are safe and happy, snug, warm, enjoying life. That we’ll never be found a week after death at the bottom of the stairs and that we have company on hand whenever we choose. That when one of us is eventually widowed we won’t be completely alone.
They are happy with our decision and we are happy that there will be very little pressure on our family as we age.
We may have jumped before it was necessary but now that we have, we won’t have to worry later on.
No regrets.

My mother never asked for my help but I gave it as did 2 of my friends for their Mothers. There are no words for the feeling of having done so.
Really it's up to your children.

I believe in the right to take your own life and always have, even though the nanny state tries to hide wedsites which discuss it. All you need is a vpns to get past the block.

I have thought about this for a long time.

From time to time a nurse/health assistant comes and asks "do you ever have suicidal thoughts" and I assure them I dont. The last thing I want is some nosy social worker buzzing around questioning my sanity.

Agreed.
I strongly suspect that my aunt, a retired nurse, used her supply of barbiturates for that purpose, though I have never asked questions.