Accidental grandmother

I’ve great grandchildren that are a mixed bunch in personality and looks. I know for certain ( mothers both told me ) that 2 of them are not my blood great grandchildren but am unsure if it’s because of my age or my true acceptance of them, that I honestly can’t remember which ones of the 15, they are.

NotSpaghetti

Could you send a note to the mum via your son saying something like you understand that the situation may not be ideal but you are happy to be involved if she is happy for that to happen, that you wish her well, would like to meet her when/if she wants to and that you would like to buy something for the baby?

You could put your number at the end.

I think I'd do this. February isn't far away.

Very good suggestion.

chocolatepudding

Thank you Sasta and I am sorry to have gone away from OPs question.
My DH did support me and shielded me from his mother at the hospital and our lives. I mentioned this event recently to him and he said his mother had been far nastier to him and I should forget all about it now.

Sorry chocolatepudding you were on point, supporting OP with first hand advice, I drifted x

Thank you Sasta and I am sorry to have gone away from OPs question.
My DH did support me and shielded me from his mother at the hospital and our lives. I mentioned this event recently to him and he said his mother had been far nastier to him and I should forget all about it now.

Apologies, this is off piste to OP’s predicament, but I want to say how sorry I am for you chocolatepudding. I had some awful treatment in the 70s as a young mum, but nothing like this. I am wondering why your partner wasn’t in there, batting for you, supporting his love and the mother of his child in any of this? To be cruelly humiliated, at the utmost of tender of times, the anniversaries of your beautiful baby beggars belief. I’m so sorry, sending hugs xxx

I would only suggest a paternity test if your son can genuinly say that she was having other flings. Have you met her ? I think that you should do so and hope that you get on and that she is willing for you to be involved. But I would just beware of "giving" too much too soon.

I think that is sensible advice from Sasta (above).

Please do not do what my MIL did when our DD1 was born in the 1970s. I was in hospital 3 days after giving birth and PILs arrived with my DH.

MIL shouted at me about:
the disgrace I had brought to the family name,
what were the neighbours going to say??
what were the staff at the school where she worked going to say?
and (clutching at her pearls) what were the ladies at the WI going to say?
She shouted at me in front of the other mothers and their visitors until I walked off to the patients' cloakroom area where I locked myself in the toilet.

I have never forgotten the kindness shown to me by the other mothers and the nurses who comforted me after MIL had departed.

We lived 100 miles from his parents and visited them once a month and had a cordial relationship.

Seven months later our DD died suddenly.

MIL never apologised to us. When it was out DD birthday and anniversary she would take DH into another room adn say something to him but he would never tell me what she had said and she never spoke to me about our loss.

Fast forward 20 years and DH's brother announced that he and his girlfriend were expecting twins and would get married sometime after their births. MIL was full of how wonderful this was. I kept my mouth shut but I wish I had told her what a hypocrite she was.

Please do not do what I have reported.

Welcome to our world thegeema. I’d like you to know that after a terribly difficult start with an unplanned baby almost 10 years ago, we are closely involved in the life of our lovely granddaughter. She knows she is loved by all our family and she loves us very much. She stays with us often and I’d say we are very involved in her life (her father and us), school pick ups, after school sports and clubs etc. That said, it’s a very tricky relationship with her mother, it’s tippy toes all the way. The parents have zero contact between each other, only texts. Not ideal but it is what it is. I won’t go into detail, but suffice to say her own family assured us that she needs us, as she enjoys her ‘single life’ plus she works full time and we step in during the holidays, plus we are the only relatives offering any support (no practical help from her side).

Try to insist your son lets you make contact and offer any support she may need. I like others’ suggestions of a nice calm family tea at your home. Remember though, anything you say now will never be forgotten by her, or by you son, so stay positive and supportive. That’s about all I can offer, it’s what we did and it worked out in the end thankfully. I sincerely wish you all the very best.

I would not push too hard at this stage when things are stressed between them and both appear to have reassessed things. For the time being you should perhaps stay a little in the background and let them sort out what is going to happen in the longer term. I think it is important to have no fixed expectations of how this will work out and what role you will play.

Your son may ultimately decide to walk away and have low or no contact. The new mother may also decide to reduce contact with a father who is unenthusiastic and flaky and may not want him at the birth.

A pregnancy at age 39 is categorized as a “senior” mother. If this is the woman’s first child, I can see why she may want this baby.

She may well have accepted the fact she’ll be a single mother and is fine by that, assuming she has emotional support from her family. And some women go it alone.

I’ve seen paternity tests turn into emotional and complicated (court) cases, mostly alienating some parties. If you want to hope for a thread of involvement in your first grandchild I would stay out of it - and hope for a good outcome. Don’t set expectations too high if your son asks for the test. In any scenario.

In closing, perhaps the sensitive son, upon seeing, holding his child will give him a different or a change in attitude. It does not mean that (former fling) will result in a relationship, just a commitment to help support the child as they grow. With that kind of commitment - then you would have some small role in that.
Good luck!
USA Gundy

He will have to support the baby if he does come to an arrangement with her is best, but if not they still have a government body to deal with this- the mum can apply to them to deal with child support on her behalf.It used to just be 'Child Support Agency' but may be called something else now.

I’d butt out.

It’s none of your business really.

Whatever you feel about the situation, deal with that your self and leave them to get on with things. They’re not children and you’re not the boss of either, and certainly not the mother!

For G. sake don’t get involved in paternity test talk.
It’s unforgivably rude and insulting.

Leave the adults to their own lives and crack on with your own.

I think you should stay well out of it and let them sort it out between them.

If things work out between them, then you can start to be a grandmother, hopefully.

welbeck

icanhandthemback, couldn't you get a DNA test using your first-born as a comparator, assuming has the same parentage.

Indeed I could as my first 2 children have the same father. I have asked my son if he would like me to get one done but he said there was no need to because he believes me 100%. He was adopted by my husband 20 years ago and has no desire to see his biological relatives. My daughter says my son is so like his biological father that once again, she believes me 100%. She doesn't see her Dad any more either. So, on this basis, who would I be proving it to. I know it would have to be a miracle for anyone else to be the father unless you believe in the immaculate conception.
Interestingly, he made the allegations against his first wife too. His second son from that marriage is completely screwed up and I think this is a huge part of it. It is terribly sad.

icanhandthemback, couldn't you get a DNA test using your first-born as a comparator, assuming has the same parentage.

You are positive about the baby. If yoh are able to have contact with the
Mum to Be why not make sure she knows you will be supportive as much as you can. Your son considering being present for the birth hasn't walked away from the situation so go slowly letting him too know you want to be involved with the baby. Hope all goes well.

Do you think it might be possible that the mum to be is in a relationship with someone else who perhaps doesn't want children? Maybe having a baby with your son, who might be a better choice, has given her the hope that she could settle down in a relationship with him, will give her the courage to hopefully move on?
I wonder because it sounds as if the liasions have occurred in different places, not in her home? Perhaps that is why your son is reluctant to give her address?

I'm only a little cynical but if I was you, I wouldn't interfere!

I do know someone who thought like that but finally divorced her first husband when she found she was pregnant by her new friend. They are still happily married today!

The poor OP just wants to be supportive. I hope things can be sorted out so that she has the chance. I expect the mother to be might be happy to have a kind person involved.

I wouldn't involve myself until after the birth. She may decide to leave the area, he may decide not to continue the relationship and walk away, or he may turn out not be the father. The couple are still obviously reeling from the news. Let the dust settle and bide your time. Its not your place to start playing grandma yet. That says more about what you want, not what the mother may decide. Hopefully they may co parent and involve her parents and yourself.

Aveline

Ask for a paternity test if you must but it's a massive risk that the mother to be is so insulted that she refuses to have anything to do with your son and yourself.

I was allowed to see the baby until he was 1.. then after a stupid row around access my son demanded a DNA test and she just had no further contact.. I don't know where they live but I have included him in my will.. I still regard him as my GS even though I haven't seen him for many years.. If you go down the DNA route be prepared to be heartbroken

Ask for a paternity test if you must but it's a massive risk that the mother to be is so insulted that she refuses to have anything to do with your son and yourself.

Nowadays, you do not have to wait for the baby to be born before a paternity test is carried out. Paternity test can be carried out using the mother’s blood and DNA sample from the Dad.

You should encourage your son to do this before you get involved.

Buttonjugs, a scan taken later in pregnancy say 5 months in pregnancy is not 100% accurate and has a margin error of + or minus 2 weeks.

As a woman who was accused of trying to pass my second child off as my husband's when he wasn't, I would be more than willing to have a DNA test done to prove my innocence. My ex-husband hasn't agreed to this so now all my son's paternal family have been told this lie so he has lost out on that side although to be honest, it isn't quite the loss he might imagine. However, I am a great believer in knowing one's roots so if I was a woman who was in a short term relationship where unprotected sex was involved, I would not consider the request for a DNA test to be an insult. Many men have been cuckolded so if that test could prove the relationship once and for all, I would consider it a job well done. It could help secure a more solid relationship for my child with his paternal family and would remove the elephant from the room once and for all.

Neatly 40 years ago my brother was in a similar situation and he did not want a permanent relationship. However he did introduce her to the family and they decided to live together initially. Theystayed together for about 3 years, so we all got to know his son well. When they split up I stayed in contact with mother and son while my brother was a bit of a rolling stone but did see the baby regularly. Neither had much money but lived pretty frugally. They continued to live in the same area so baby had two homes throughout his childhood . My son settled with another woman who also had a son. My nephew grew up to be a pretty balanced and happy individual. Now has an excellent career.

I'm with Welbeck A friendly invite for tea, no pressure. Introduction plus she will realise you are positive. In her shoes, I might be concerned about your feelings towards me. Good luck, very exciting