Differences of opinions on major/sensitive issues

BlueBelle

Afraid I wear my heart on my sleeve, Daughter in law is more likely to tell me anything than my son (who doesn’t really do emotions) , one daughter will tell me it as it is, but other daughter is completely tight lipped and keeps it all tucked in and wouldn’t tell me anything or bare minimum
We re all different

I have two dds the same. One tells me just about everything - too much sometimes! - the other is a lot more private.

I wouldn’t tell anyone about serious health issues, there is no point in worrying them.

I don't like anyone to know anything about me until I have a plan.
I need to work everything out before I have conversations with adult children/family.

Would tell my husband but not really want to talk about it till I'm ready to take action!

paddyann How dreadful for you.

That's so true.

Our daughter was the first person we told re DH's diagnosis. We didn't tell her until it was confirmed. He went through various tests first. No need to worry her unnecessarily.

My dads mantra was dont worry your mum..speak to me .Consequently we didn't tell mum about anything that might worry or upset her especially after my first pregnancy went very badly and the nursing assistant on the ward was a family friend who rushed to call my parents.Dealing with our own grief was hard enough,mum making it ten times worse really didn't help.For every other pregnancy she was told very little,only knew when it showed and we had to tell her and never knew about labours or miscarriages until they were over,in fact a few early ones she didn't know about at all.
Its very hard to manage other folks grief when you're on your 4th or 5th or 6th loss.In later years when she did know about some she would tell people she visited one baby who died and go into great detail.It wasn't true ,visitors weren't allowed and in fact only my OH saw her in her incubator ,I was in a different hospital 25 miles away when she died .We all need to deal with these difficult times in our own way without interference from well meaning folk who can get it very wrong

I would not tell my son about investigations unless a diagnosis was made. It would be unfair to make him worry unless and until there was definitely something to worry about.

We’ve always been keep it to ourselves not to worry our sons (who are both grown up with families of their own) until after the event .
Recently I had to have a pacemaker fitted as an emergency. I didn’t tell either of my sons because one was on holiday and I didn’t want to spoil it for him and the other was really busy at work. When I did tell them they were both cross. My eldest said he wouldn’t have forgiven me if anything had gone wrong and he wasn’t there to support me or his dad. Younger son wasn’t too happy either. They both gave me a different perspective on this and I have promised them both faithfully (and will stick to it) that we will never keep things from them again.

I think my relative who is newly diagnosed is embarrassed by having cancer, to the point where he has denied he has it, despite several rounds of radiotherapy in the Oncology department. I think he assumed that cancer is something that happens to other people, despite the fact that it is now 1 in 2 of us so he won't admit he has it (or can't face the fact).

I asked my mum if she wanted ALL of the info on my girls illness, a "doctored" (pardon my pun) version, or a "happily ever after" version.

We only tell the major illnesses the rest are played down. One DD says all the other is like us to a fault, which she could sometimes do with some support.

My dad, in particular, has always been very matter of fact and death and dying. I remember in my early teens my dad receiving a phone call and coming in telling us the news. So and SO's OK, they've been to the beach. Oh, and Bob's died". Talking of my great uncle (who was hilarious and told the most ridiculous jokes!). I've had my own health issues, and at the time of one I needed support from my Mum as I was single with young children and needed someone to be with me. A couple of years ago I had a scary experience and told nobody except my DH and best friend, who came with me for an MRI. My parents had enough to deal with and only would have told them if anything had come back negatively. Swings and roundabouts in our family,to be honest. We get told stuff but everyone wants to just "get on with it". "Sigh".

Afraid I wear my heart on my sleeve, Daughter in law is more likely to tell me anything than my son (who doesn’t really do emotions) , one daughter will tell me it as it is, but other daughter is completely tight lipped and keeps it all tucked in and wouldn’t tell me anything or bare minimum
We re all different

It really depends on the family. Some families want to share everything because they know others will be upset/offended if they don't, and some choose not too perhaps because they know others will be upset if they do.

I knew my mum was being tested for bowel cancer and was glad I did because when she received the diagnosis, I at least had been aware that it was a possibility.

Can just say how much disgrace I was in with family for not speaking up immediately I’d had a cancer diagnosis. Truly didn’t want too until it had been dealt with…..but at what point to do this.
So from that lesson all is mentioned as they come up. Things are a lot simpler in all family and extended too.

I don’t really remember being told. When I was 12 ish, though, the phone rang in the middle of the night (landline in the hall) and I was first to answer. It was the hospital, to say that an elderly aunt of my mother’s was ‘sinking fast’ so I said my folks would come, and hung up.

Enter parents on the stairs - my mother was cross that I’d said they’d go - a 10 mile drive at 2 or 3 am - so they rang back, but by then the aunt (who she’d been very fond of) had died anyway.

I do remember being very aware that my lovely old GGfather wouldn’t last long. He was in his 90s and the last time I saw him, he was waving goodbye to us from his bedroom window and his head honestly looked like a skull.

He died not long afterwards - not from anything particular as I recall. I was 14, and bless him, he’d left all us GGDcs £10 each.
It seemed such a lot then!

We always say we're fine, even when we're not. However, when my husband was diagnosed with cancer, we told the family. We needed support and they all love him and would have been upset if we hadn't told them. A close family member has cancer and is adamant that no one is told. We found out by accident. I don't understand it but of course it's personal choice. His wife needs support. My husband made no secret of his cancer. He didn't shout about it obviously but it is what it is and talking may help someone else who is going through it.

A happy medium is best for me.
Only tell others if its necessary, but not keep it secret, either.

If it is serious we tell others in the family but not for minor things. We told them when we got Covid for obvious reasons - didn’t want them to visit and catch it !

You have described one extreme to the other. Surely there is a midway point? Telling everyone about the colonoscopy was way too much information imo as they only need to know if something was going on down there. So yes, he should have waited for the result before telling all and sundry. But not telling anyone anything is not good either. Discuss these things together as they come up and I'm sure you can find a midway point.

We keep everything between us, just my husband and me. We don't worry others, we pay everything down. We're always "fine" and we assume they are as well.