End of my tether

Good advice about keeping a record of abusive 'phone calls; date, time and what was said.

TBH I think Covid is just an excuse. He goes to school and presumably mixes with friends and other relatives. Does the 'no hugging, no kissing rule' also apply to his father?

I really feel for you. Enjoy the time you get to spend with your son and grandson. Keep careful dated notes on all contact you have with your DIL in case this is needed going forward. You may be able to access help through Early Years associated with SS as I understand they will work with conflict in families. I have a similar problem with my ex SIL who is very cruel and difficult and my little granddaughter and grandson have to spend 40% of their time being cared for by him in a non child focussed way due to a child arrangement order. I have been advised to contact Early Years to see if they can work with us all. It is really the children who suffer in these situations so very heartbreaking…. My granddaughter is having counselling to help her cope with separation anxiety from her mummy

No she phones my son. She phones shouting and screaming about GS behaviour on video call whilst he is sat there and she blames us all. Says things like ‘he is always like this when he comes back from you and your inbred family’. In front of GS. You know what he does.:.. Secretly does heart signs.

It all stemmed with COVID, which I totally understand but seems to have carried on. In case we pass on germs. I kind of get it but I do miss having a good hug! I agree with you about quality and precious time with my son. I just wish lol

Your son was wise to check with the school that there were no issues with behaviour, and he might find it helpful to ask to be kept informed about dates for Parents' evenings, concerts, sports days etc as the absent parent is frequently unaware.
Your grandson's behaviour may alter initially when he returns to his mother; weekends away with the other parent often lead to 'I want to stay with Daddy/Mummy' and it takes time to adjust.
It would be as well to keep a record of these abusive phone calls and note what is said, but do not respond to accusations or engage in hostilities. The ex-partner may be constructing a case to have access reduced, so your son would be sensible to apply for increased access, citing the abusive calls that are being received.

does your son live with you? what are the childcare arrangements? Is it necessary for you to see or speak to her?
Who says you can't hug or cuddle your GS... it's all quite unclear for us to offer helpful advise

When is the CAO up for review?
I will be in court shortly supporting my son in his ungoing battle to get access with his daughter.
We do see GC now for a few hours a week. His ex gives no instructions, we more or less do what we want when we have her. It's great fun but very rushed.
My son's ex cut off all contact with me, even though the court ordered that I should be involved.
It is better this way though. I encourage my son to make the decisions and take the responsibilty as I do with my other grandchildren. I let him take the lead as they really need that precious time together.
There is nothing you can do to change the ex's attitude. Let your son decide how to deal with her and block her from sending you abusive messages.
Enjoy your visits because that's what matters.
In my experience family court hate all the he said she said stuff. They are only interested in whether the child is safe and happy with both parents, and not any bickering in the background. I hope the resentments don't spill over when you are with the child- again you have no control over what she says to her own child. You can only hope the child sees through this because their own experience with you is a positive one.
If you can try to move to more positive understanding of the ex's position, however annoying you find it, then it can only be good for you and then the child.
It's ok for me to say this- my anxiety is through the roof today but I can't let my feelings or opinions get the better of me.
You are doing all the right things, that's all you can control.
I feel for you, but your son will get there in the end.

Why is she phoning you? And how do you know what she says in front of the child?

Lisa, it's not you it's her being unable to accept the unhappy situation in which she finds herself. It must be terrible to be branded such a bad mother to her son that she cannot see the boy whenever she wants. She needs to express her feelings and is doing so in a self destructive way.

I hope she can get professional help with anger management.

As others have suggested, save all texts and make notes of all abusive phone calls. It appears that the ex-partner is going out of her way to put you all in a bad light, probably because she has no other way of making life as uncomfortable as she possibly can.
Is the a SW assigned to the child? Perhaps you could approach them? Im not sure how these things work but I sincerely hope you resolve this dreadful situation.

I think you are doing tremendously well Lisa1234. Just keep doing it. You are doing everything right. Dd has this sort of problem with partners ex over his children. They are keeping a record of all ex’s abusive texts and vile claims and demands. Dad doesn’t have shared rights, just access but he is hoping to get that changed. So maybe keep a record in case you need it. Dil could be working to an agenda.

Why can't you hug and kiss him? Does your son hug and kiss his child?

I see no reason why you couldn't be evaluated to validate the fact that your GS is safe with you, maybe a solicitor specialising in family law could advise you on this, but I doubt that would put a stop to her verbal abuse.

If there's a child arrangement order in place, I would say that it's extremely unlikely she'd be able to prevent your son having contact with his own child.

Don't dwell on not being able to see him without your son there. Your son's time with his son will be very precious to him so just enjoy being able to share that time with him.

Thank you xx It breaks my heart that we cannot have a normal relationship with my grandchild. I cannot hug him, kiss him. We find other ways to show our love like banging elbows, making hearts with hands. I would love the chance to take him out for the day. Walk in the woods and make camps but sadly I am only allowed to see him when he is with my son. As my son says ‘I want quality time with him’, and I get that. She is starting the ‘I am going to stop visits because of what you all do’. I was wondering if we could be evaluated that way we could stop these heinous venomous allegations and insults and let my grandson grow up in peace.

There's nothing you can d that you're not doing already Lisa, so I would take what your ex d.i.l. says with a pinch of salt and ignore it.

Unfortunately when a relationship breaks down there's often resentment which can extend to the other parent and his/her family, just because they continue to have a positive relationship with a child, which is as it should be.

It's such a shame when adults can't behave as adults should when there are children involed.

If she's vile and abusive on the 'phone, end the conversation as soon and as politely as you can.