Do I say something?

What a nice helpful post sewingnan

I agree with Blue Daisy as someone who has lived most of my life in a rural by the sea location. I would see it time and time again where the move was a mistake and regretted. As a good friend you should not keep quiet but it seems it is the husband who needs to be included in any ‘chat’ if possible. Maybe find a useful article about this situation or even book if there is one so they can look at all options. He might voice the real reason he wants to move further away when they had found a bungalow locally before but couldn’t move forward on it at that time so what’s changed? He was clearly ok with that. Maybe they are just infatuated with the nice new bungalow and blind to anything else. If she does move it is still close enough to maintain your friendship and you could say to her husband you are really looking forward to coming to stay over and suggest how much fun it will be having the gc stay over too. He might think twice and realise a drop in visit is actually better. Whatever you need to be careful what and how you say things and be aware you might miss her more than she will miss you or she has moaned it is her husband when it might not be all him and she is trying not to upset you either. I hope it all works out and your friend ends up in a happy place

This latest idea of moving to where he grew up is quite strange..does he imagine he will still have friends there.. I can't see any advantage to your friend. I would at the very least encourage her to check that there is a railway station there. I think you should encourage her to talk to her family about this. It would be very difficult for her children to look after them if one of them dies.. and surely she'll miss her GC's

I think you should definitely point out the potential negatives but in a diplomatic way. You could refer to Blue daisy's story as something you came across.
Maybe you could suggest she write a list of pros and cons ( offer to help?) as it's such a big decision.
Possibly try to appear as though you've no strong opinion to start with but, if she lists negatives, you could tactfully say it certainly doesn't look like a foregone conclusion that it's a good idea.
I think you could regret not talking to her about it - especially if they move and she then seems unhappy and isolated.
To me, there are warning bells ringing about the relationship. If it's not an equal partnership and it's to do with controlling her and moving away from family, I'd be very concerned. If it is that, she could end up very unhappy indeed - even apart from practicalities about not being able to see children and grandchildren and maybe not being able to drive for health reasons at some point etc.
I think such a move only works if both people are fully in agreement and they are best friends as well as spouses - sadly, this doesn't seem to be the case for your friend.
You could ask how well either of them would cope on being widowed - it's going to happen to one of them one day.
Can you ask her if she'd be wanting to move if her husband hadn't mentioned it? Could they compromise and move just a short distance away?
I hope you manage to talk to her and that she thinks very hard about this decision.

Thanks one and all its good to get lots of different opinions and advice. Thanks again Grans. I'm going to have the conversation I owe it to her and our friendship I couldn't sleep if I didn't gently express my concerns. I'll stand by her whatever we've been through too much for me not to. I love her dearly and will support whatever.

In the past she's found marriage at times difficult and she would be the first to admit this. Dh wants to move to the coast to a new build bungalow. Yes she wants to move - the house is up for sale and indeed would love a bungalow however they will be moving a few hours drive away to somewhere on the edge of a seaside town. I get the impression DH wants to get away from the boys 2 of which he's stepdad to. He's always been controlling.

This bit is a red flag. At this time in life she has to confide in her sons and network of friends to relay she is comfortable where she is and perhaps move locally instead of being coerced into moving into unknown territory with what sounds like a manipulative and controlling partner. If she is involved with the church perhaps she could speak confidentially with her minister/priest? But please, as a long time friend, do not hesitate to make your worries known.

Bluedaisy that is so sad for you . Your story resonated with me. I live in Australia with my Australian husband and my family still alive in England and I miss the land of my birth but love this country too, however to return would be out of the question as far as Cust is concerned.
It’s always so hard to go back. I wish you well. I wish you happiness and love, and most of all I wish you have comfort - someone to help with the care of your husband - mine has Parkinson’s and ALZ Life is getting harder as I have to do all the driving too. I’m 81. Stay strong and look for caregivers for driving assistance. Here We can get vouchers for taxis as pensioners and my husband was a veteran. I hope you can find help in that way. It’s a small way, but it will give you a little freedom and support. Good luck and God bless you both .

She’ll know. She’s had a lifetime of it and I think it would be upsetting for her to have what she has always known obvious to her bestie. This is speaking from experience with one of my children married to a total control freak.

Id voice my concerns to a long standing friend especially since it looks like the husband is controlling and is attempting to isolate her from friends and family both HUGE red flags

Patsy70

I really dislike the comment “it’s none of your business”, as it sounds so rude to me. This is your very close friend, and I’m sure that during the many years you’ve known one another, you have had some very meaningful conversations. I also agree that asking her how she seriously feels about moving so far away from family and friends would give her the opportunity to tell you honestly if she is totally in favour of it. It is a huge step to take in later life, and if her husband is controlling, then I’m sure she would welcome you raising your concerns. Good luck. x

Absolutely agree. If you are her friend you should talk to her about it.

As such an old friend I would certainly say something like 'This is a big move - are you sure this is right for you?' A dear friend of mine was under pressure from her husband to move to Portugal. This made me really frightened for her as I thought she would be very isolated and I told her so, in no uncertain terms. Thankfully she did not go! Friends are there partly to help with this sort of thing, surely!

All you can do is to tell your friend you will miss her and you are always there for her. Try to keep in touch with her because if she is in a controlling relationship she will need a lot of support. If they do move, make sure you get her address before she goes, so that you can keep in touch.

Thanks for all the advice Gransnetters so latest update her DH has found some new build bungalows in the town he grew up in in Cumbria not on the coast and even further away. I asked her if he still had any family up there - no. I'm a little at a loss as to his reasoning but I will show her your post Bluedaisy and thank you. After that I'll just support with whatever she decides help where I can. Thanks again folks

Too often I have avoided expressing concerns over something and then regretted it.

I think you have a valid enough reason to say something kind and supportive to her about your concerns over the move, but don't mention your thoughts on her husbands motives.

Maybe you could start by saying how brave you think she is for moving at her stage in life. You could mention that it wouldn't be for you, that you would find it too difficult to 'start over' etc, etc.

Don't expect your views on the matter to make her her change her mind though, but you will feel better for having said something.

If her husband is as controlling as you think he is maybe she doesn't want to move so far away but cannot find the words to tell him, or is afraid of the consequences if she speaks her mind.

Try to find a way of supporting her decision. Maybe you could end the conversation with light hearted 'well if things don't turn out like you expect there will always be a bed for you here...............but only you!!'

I agree.

agree with bridie54

I really dislike the comment “it’s none of your business”, as it sounds so rude to me. This is your very close friend, and I’m sure that during the many years you’ve known one another, you have had some very meaningful conversations. I also agree that asking her how she seriously feels about moving so far away from family and friends would give her the opportunity to tell you honestly if she is totally in favour of it. It is a huge step to take in later life, and if her husband is controlling, then I’m sure she would welcome you raising your concerns. Good luck. x

As one who lived with a controlling husband but now happily on my own, I would say that as a friend you SHOULD voice your concerns.

My circumstances were actually reversed in that we moved nearer to my old friends and family, so when, years later, I finally did decide to leave my husband I had all that support I can't imagine having got through the separation and all that it entailed without it.

It may be that the OP will never leave her husband but if he is controlling then she could end up being very lonely in a strange new place with no one to turn to. I don't think his behaviour will change. From my own experience, if anything, it got worse.

It's not too late. If they make the move then she would lose friends and family support and that would be awful. But at least you would know you tried to help. You are her friend and I don't think it counts as interference. It is genuine concern.

sunglow12

My experience of this type of thing is - they will do the move anyway then regret it after but won’t be persuaded not to do it . It’s when one of them dies then who ever is left could feel rather lonely and it’s more often the wife . Seen it with elderly people in my care moving to a posh seaside town then one dies and the other is alone and too old to make friends .

My thoughts exactly sunglow12.
Moving to the seaside and walks along the beach is lovely in the Spring and Summer but I wouldn't fancy it in the winter and it's all according to which coast they're moving to.
I know I would welcome my friends thoughts.

It's none of your business. I moved from central Scotland where I had lived all my life. I moved over 100 miles away to an area I didn't know. I was in my mid 60's and am still here and I am now 83. I have never regretted it for one minute. Why shouldn't your friend be happy??.

My experience of this type of thing is - they will do the move anyway then regret it after but won’t be persuaded not to do it . It’s when one of them dies then who ever is left could feel rather lonely and it’s more often the wife . Seen it with elderly people in my care moving to a posh seaside town then one dies and the other is alone and too old to make friends .

It is too late now to ask her whether she really has thought this through.

I am uncertain if it would ever have been wise to do so, but you could have expressed doubts about the wisdom of moving at their time of life to a place where they know no-one when the idea was first mentioned.

Now all you can do is to stay in touch with her once she and her husband have moved.

One of our friend here moved last year after more than 20 years here. She had a strong network of friends here but wanted to be near one of her family, so there was a point to her move.
I don't really see the point of your friend's move, unless there is a particular draw to the area that Hels001 hasn't mentioned.

I agree with BigBerthal. You said, “yes she wants to move” - if she were my friend of 30 years I’d definitely say something!! I’d point out that 1) when people are in their mid 70’s they prefer to be closer to family, 2) she’s putting physical as well as emotional distance between them and their children, 3) ask if are they going to be flexible and always travel back to family for holidays (can’t make a move like that and NEVER, EVER expect family to drive that distance for a day), 4) can they house family that do come and stay overnight in the new bungalow or at a hotel, 5) will they have resources for care or shelter in an emergency, 6) as above, if help is needed for the simplest of tasks, household repairs or assistance, are they prepared to pay for services that sons were helping with in the past (errands, lawn care, removal of air conditioners, smoke detectors)?
These are factors that might not have been considered but taken for granted in the past. How are they REALLY going to spend their time plopped in an entirely new community? The grass isn’t always greener and she may resent him for urging this move….Good luck!!

I’d ask some pertinent questions.