As a mother did/do you put your children first?

grannyactivist.you are right. A good team makes life easier and happier all round.
I am so lucky to have a husband who is easy to love and laugh with.

Advice my husband and I were given many years ago was that the very best thing we could do for our children was to continue to love each other and invest in our relationship. Our children have always known that they are loved and their needs have always been met, but they understand that our marriage has always been the glue that underpins the family dynamic.

I have time to myself but if my kids need me no matter how old they are I’m there in a heartbeat.

No one can pour from an empty jug. Would I die for my kids; yes, and as adults we are equal. But when they were small I made time for myself to study/sew/go to the gym because otherwise I would have been walking the walls.

I was never a martyr to the cause with my 3 ..... but generally I prioristised their needs .....maybe not all their wants

Lullbehe You need to start a new thread.
Go to forums, choose the appropriate one and click on “start a discussion”.

I am reaching out for some support please. My son and his partner are breaking up and it’s breaking my heart. They haven’t been getting on for a while and they have 2 children together (4 &7) my adorable GC. They have many issues that cannot be resolved. I can’t bear to see him so sad and he has to spend more time with me with one or both of the children as she has said she can’t bear to be with him

We both always put our only child first!

I always believed that my children's wellbeing sprang from us as a stable married couple, and that we set a good example by my DH and I supporting each other and caring for each other's wellbeing. Marriage is not always easy, but so important for the children. So in that sense, whilst their needs always came first, their wants did not. It depended on circumstances.
I feel so sorry for children nowadays with no stable home, moving from house to house every 3 or 4 days, unable to join in their social groups. I would also never have shared e.g. money problems with my children. There are things they don't need to know and discuss.
It is also important to care for the adults in the family as they cannot care for the children if they don't care for themselves.
Obviously if there is an abusive relationship the children come first. I realise that I was very lucky with my DH.

i always put my son first, i knew from the start that his dad would probably die before me as he was so much older, his dad was very reserved and not openly loving but i was the opposite, i brought my son up to be loving and caring and not to be afraid to show it, i always put him first.

Thank you all for your posts, I have been reading with great interest.

I was only 20 when our first child was born, we lived 2 hours away from family and only just scraped by financially!
It was hard but we were very happy, our daughters needs always came first.
We got her a day a week at a nursery, this meant no holidays but we bought a second hand tent and found a place we returned to for the next 20 years!
We were always juggling for the first few years.

2 more children, house moves and promotions meant life became easier

I went back to work when our youngest was 4, I was 35, this was when I was able to have a bit more freedom and I did enjoy being out of the home and doing something for myself.

Just as I was feeling smug cancer came and bit me on the arse.
I thought I would have three motherless children, this changed my perspective on so much, I knew that if it were a bad outcome I had really done the best I could.

We now have 3 happy, confident AC and 2 grandchildren.
Semi retired we are lucky to have a short window of health, freedom and no dependants.
We put ourselves first now or at least until the next drama when we drop everything and go to the rescue!

Farmor15

Actually I think the last few posters - MercuryQueen, karmalady and M0nica - make some interesting points. Putting your children first all the time isn't necessarily the best way to bring them up and make them into independent adults.

We were discussing this in our family at the weekend. My daughter had decided to have her first child-free break (2 days) since the first of her 3 children was born 6 years ago. She commented that she'd managed to "train" her husband to do lots of household jobs as he'd grown up in a home where is mother did everything- even still making his sandwiches for lunch when he was going to uni.

My daughter has decided that I was a better role model for her own children! I was working and OH was stay-at-home dad. Our children had to do lots for themselves, such as making own sandwiches from a young age! Though OH was at home with children he was usually too busy with house renovations etc to run after them seeing to their every need, so they had to be independent.

One observation I made growing up was that some friends of my mother would complain about their thoughtless children "after all I did for them" whereas children from bigger families where less was done for them seemed to appreciate their parents more.

I so agree with your final paragraph Farmor15, I think some parents do expect a ‘payback’ because they chose to devote themselves to their children too much when they were young, and that’s not right in my opinion. Our children don’t owe us, we just have to do our best and hope they still love us when they are adults.

I can see nothing wrong with my post WWM2.

Life for everyone is a succession of compromises and knowing when to dig your heels and when to give way. Family life is no different from the rest of life.

As my mother used to comment, there is nothing remarkable about getting married and having children, most people do it and few are qualifed for either.

M0nica

What a ridicculousand meaning less question. So if I put myself between my child and hatm, that is piutiing me first is that what you mean.

Making yourself into a total doormat and doing everything your children want, so that you end up with selfish children who think you are their skivvy and withhold contact with grandchildren if you do not do as you are told. Is that putting the children first?

In our family, it was the family that mattered and the welfare of the family was what mattered. This meant that sometimes to ensure the welfare of the family as a whole, the children were put first, and at other times parental welfare was put first.

I find it really peculiar that just as women have broken away from the German principles of Kinder, Kirche, kuche, that a woman's prime purpose is to stay in the home and nurture the family and at last won the right to have choices, get an education, to have a career, all they want to do is crawl back into the protection of looking heavenward and virtue signalling that perfect parents because they are in always putting their family before themselves - and then they compalin but how selfish their children are and treat them like dirt.

Well, there is nothing about the domestic doormat about me. As a family we knew that the welfare of one was the welfare of all and we worked on that principle. Since DH and I are still happily together after 56 years, that we have loving and caring children, who have always been thoughtful and caring and have never used access to our grandchildren as a bargaining chip, suggests we must have got something right.

For such a daft and meaningless question you have written rather a lot.

Dog first
Me 2nd
Husband 3rd
Friends 4th
Children 5th
Only kidding!
When our children were young their welfare came first. We brought them up to be independant. We don't believe we would do " anything" for them but help as and when needed. They all know they are very much loved and can depend on us.. there is too much attention given to young children nowadays. We see that when we are out shopping or in cafes. No longer is it that children should be seen and not heard. I am thankful we brought our children up in the sixties and not now

Putting children first, as I always have, doesn’t mean giving them everything they want but rather everything they need. A big difference. MOnica I am sure you must know that.

Yes children do come first.

We had six so that left little time for DH and no time for me when they were young. Actually they came first until they became independent adults. It was difficult at times meeting all their financial needs but I enjoyed giving of my time and don't regret going without myself.

In recent years DH has had several health issues so I have increasingly put him first. The adult DC have been a great help too but we make sure those that are parents put our DGC first. I have helped out with the DGC pre school. At one time it was a full-time job but now I limit holiday care to make sure we do things we want to do. I would still be there for them in an emergency.

Actually I think the last few posters - MercuryQueen, karmalady and M0nica - make some interesting points. Putting your children first all the time isn't necessarily the best way to bring them up and make them into independent adults.

We were discussing this in our family at the weekend. My daughter had decided to have her first child-free break (2 days) since the first of her 3 children was born 6 years ago. She commented that she'd managed to "train" her husband to do lots of household jobs as he'd grown up in a home where is mother did everything- even still making his sandwiches for lunch when he was going to uni.

My daughter has decided that I was a better role model for her own children! I was working and OH was stay-at-home dad. Our children had to do lots for themselves, such as making own sandwiches from a young age! Though OH was at home with children he was usually too busy with house renovations etc to run after them seeing to their every need, so they had to be independent.

One observation I made growing up was that some friends of my mother would complain about their thoughtless children "after all I did for them" whereas children from bigger families where less was done for them seemed to appreciate their parents more.

Have you got out of bed on the wrong side monica?

What a ridicculousand meaning less question. So if I put myself between my child and hatm, that is piutiing me first is that what you mean.

Making yourself into a total doormat and doing everything your children want, so that you end up with selfish children who think you are their skivvy and withhold contact with grandchildren if you do not do as you are told. Is that putting the children first?

In our family, it was the family that mattered and the welfare of the family was what mattered. This meant that sometimes to ensure the welfare of the family as a whole, the children were put first, and at other times parental welfare was put first.

I find it really peculiar that just as women have broken away from the German principles of Kinder, Kirche, kuche, that a woman's prime purpose is to stay in the home and nurture the family and at last won the right to have choices, get an education, to have a career, all they want to do is crawl back into the protection of looking heavenward and virtue signalling that perfect parents because they are in always putting their family before themselves - and then they compalin but how selfish their children are and treat them like dirt.

Well, there is nothing about the domestic doormat about me. As a family we knew that the welfare of one was the welfare of all and we worked on that principle. Since DH and I are still happily together after 56 years, that we have loving and caring children, who have always been thoughtful and caring and have never used access to our grandchildren as a bargaining chip, suggests we must have got something right.

It is an odd question. Our family unit always came first. As mum, I was and still am, the hub of the family wheel.Everyone considers the others, in what they say and in what they do. My family is dynamic, if anyone needs help in any way, they ask and help is always given. Perhaps that is why we are still a loving family unit. No pressure on anyone and no martyrs

Depends on the season of parenting and life. Things wax and wane.

Needs come first, whoever’s they might be.

Wants are triaged.

I don’t think always putting yourself last is healthy. You’re setting the example for your children, and teaching them that to be a mother is to be a martyr isn’t good for anyone. I think there’s a balance. I think it’s good for kids to see their parents pursue their own interests, careers, hobbies. To see Mom and Dad go in dates, do things to nurture their marriage.

I think a child centric lifestyle has the potential to be damaging to parents and children. Kids become adults. They have their own lives. What happens to the parent who made their children the sole reason for being then? What happens to the marriage after the kids move out?

But of course, expecting kids to trundle along and fit into adult lives without disruption isn’t reasonable either.

That’s why there needs to be a balance.

I was brought up by a mother who put her own wants and needs before anyone else, constant criticised and belittled and have had counselling to deal with the emotional trauma. I was determined to do things very differently and my children came first, I was a SAHM until they went to school, then worked part-time as necessity, but I was always there when they needed me (unlike their father) and supported them both well into adulthood. Now with families of their own I'm surplus to requirements, they have very short memories 😔

Primarily what children need is a happy healthy mum

So it's a balance

Mum's need a break occasionally so it is good to have some self care

It really depends on the context... The child must have their needs met as a priority. Food, clothing, warmth, shelter as well as their emotional needs met in the form of love, attention and time. Sometimes our needs need to go unmet for children's because that's our responsibility

Adults, adults are different. We should not be going without our needs for adult children's. If we are then something has gone wrong somewhere.

nipsmum - that’s where I went wrong, I think.

Husband came second to children. Hence I am happily divorced. But don’t regret it one wee bit.