Sons rude in laws- now we’re estranged

Hello,

I’m so glad this forum exists and I look forward to hearing feedback from experience grandparents like yourselves.

My eldest son got married a few years ago to a girl we really liked. She was nice and pleasant, but on the quiet side and we made sure she was treated warmly and welcome to our family.

I’ve been married twice, and I never got the mother-in-law that I always wanted as I lost my mom when I was a teenager.

I made a vow to myself that I would be the mother-in-law that I never had, kind, warm, considerate, not critical or over bearing.

I wanted to make sure my daughter-in-law felt welcomed and accepted by me and we got together with him at least monthly for dinners.

My husband and I always treated them and we were generous during birthdays and holidays with them. I was never critical to her or her family in anyway, and try to be lighthearted and pleasant at all times.

When they got engaged, we were so happy and thrilled, and my husband and I gave them a substantial amount of money for their wedding. My daughter-in-law reassured me she wanted me to be part of the planning and she let me know she told her family so, which I thought was really nice. That never happened.

The first day I ever met her mother, I knew it was not gonna be an easy-going relationship. I was so thrilled to meet them, and she was cold, icy, and standoffish. She would not engage with me nor look at me, and if I try to talk to her, she wouldn’t answer my question and only talk to her daughter.

I thought this would improve overtime, but it actually got worse. Her father wasn’t much better, he was condescending and belittling to my son, and didn’t make much of an effort to make us feel welcome at events, even at their home. The irony is that their extended family, uncles and aunts other grandparents, or warm and inviting, and made us feel welcomed.

I also thought it was a telltale sign when my son told me his in-laws wanted to go on their honeymoon with them.

I didn’t say anything to my son as I didn’t want to cause issues so early in their life together, and I didn’t want to be the cause of those issues either. So I put up with it and smiled and try to take the high road.

About a year after the wedding, my daughter-in-law and son announced their first pregnancy. I am over joyed. This was an especially momentous time for me since I lost my own mother when I was a teenager and she didn’t get to be a grandmother, so I was very emotional and happy. Life was coming full circle.

One thing I begin to notice was very much a lack of gratitude on my daughter-in-law‘s part. My son would ask us for help moving and little things, my son always said thank you, but she did not most of the time. I chalked it up to nerves or maybe just not knowing better, but hopes his manners would rub off on her and that would improve overtime. Nothing to get upset about.

Then my daughter-in-law began saying things that didn’t sit well, like criticizing the country that my current husband is from, and saying her father doesn’t like people from that country. My husband has raised my son since he was seven years old and has been a great stepfather to him, so this lack of sensitivity was not OK, but I decided to extend her grace and let it go, hoping she did not know my husband was from the country she mentioned.

I also noticed little things like when my son would show my daughter-in-law childhood pictures of him. She laughed at him and made fun of him. She never said he was cute or anything endearing, and I could tell by his expression it hurt his feelings.

Here is where everything hits the fan:
In trying to keep things pleasant, I asked my daughter-in-law about plans for a baby shower, and how I would like to help her be involved somehow. She responds by saying her mother wants to handle all of it.

A few months later, I ask again to please let me know how I can help even if it’s in a small way. Daughter-in-law says again her mother is handling it and wants to handle it by herself.

I’m a little hurt, but I accept it because what else can I do? I say nothing. My son says nothing either.

Two nights before the baby shower, my son texted me an invoice for $3500 for the baby shower, venue, and catering. Apparently this invoice was sent to him by his mother-in-law and he sends it to me with a message saying “you don’t have to pay anything but since you wanted to help here’s the invoice. “

I was so hurt and taken aback and insulted. My husband was livid and told me not to pay a dime. I also didn’t want them to use this against me or say I didn’t help. I know my son wouldn’t have sent me that on his own I know he was told to, being a young man I’m sure he didn’t know protocol for these types of things. I decided to take the highroad and I sent him $500 just so we can contribute something. My son text me thank you, but I hear no thank you from my daughter-in-law.

Two days later, as I’m getting ready for this baby shower, I have a sick and nauseous feeling in my stomach and I feel like I’m going to faint. I cannot explain this feeling.

When we get to the venue where the baby shower is held, I walk in smile, and I say hello to her mother, who ignores me and pretend she didn’t hear me. This is not the first time she’s done it. So I said it louder again, hello. She ignores me two more times now. It’s confirmed this is not in my mind. And I am so angry at this outright behavior.

I only had about six guests of my own at this baby shower, and they are noticing her mothers strange behavior toward me.

The mother hosted the baby shower with a microphone and was front and center, but couldn’t bring herself to my table to meet my guests?

When the baby shower was over, a good friend of mine went up to the mother, complemented the lovely shower, and thanked her for the invite and was trying to make small talk. You could see the mother become visibly uncomfortable.

I wish my friend didn’t do this, but after some chatting, she said to the mother,” you’re lucky to have my friend in your family, she’s such a good person, be nice to her”, and playfully wagged her finger at her and said” be nice or I’ll be watching you”. She didn’t say it in a mean tone, but she said it in a playful town, but I knew in that moment, it didn’t matter. This woman was so rude and cold to me for no reason, now she’s going to have a reason to be and I cringed inside.

This was not discussed till about 8 to 9 months later with my son, but I could tell my daughter-in-law’s behavior toward me, grew standoffish, and her, and my son made excuses as to why they couldn’t do things with us anymore.

Baby came, and we were so happy but they use the baby as excuses to not spend any time with us or holidays, but we’re constantly posting on social media how they were with her family. Finally, my son and I have a two hour long discussion/debate.

He wanted to address the rude comment, directed at her mother by my friend, and that unleashed the floodgates in me, and I brought up the years of rude and condescending things her parents had done toward us. Even the racial stuff by her dad.

At first, my son admitted, they can be rude, but made excuses for their behavior and minimized it. At times he was accusing me of having a victim, mentality and saying all the things that I am bringing up don’t compare to my friends comment toward her mother, he did not care if her mother was rude to me or anyone else.

After this, they had it an excuse, whenever we invited them to get together or see the baby and never wanted to come over again.

My son literally said he will not be bringing the baby to my house anymore because it’s too much of a hassle even though we live 10 minutes away. She said if we want to see her, we can go to them, which I did a few times, but I feel uncomfortable and not wanted there as they lived with her sister and her husband at the time in a family home.

I was so upset with my son and I told him he will pack up the baby and drive her half an hour away to a bad part of Los Angeles to see his deadbeat father but he won’t come 10 minutes to our home? He said his families too big so he hast to take the baby to him but since it’s the three of us it’s no problem us going to visit him and no he won’t be taking her here.

My son ignored our contacts for the holidays and I still have my granddaughters Christmas gifts.
I am so hurt and trying to keep myself from getting depressed, I can feel myself drowning in grief. All I ever wanted was to be a grandmother and have my family. I waited my whole life for this. There were so many things I wanted to do with her and show her and teach her, we are in artistic family, and I couldn’t wait to show her things and teach her how to be a good person and kind and smart.

To add insult, my youngest, daughter, announces, she just got into her dream school and we are over joyed as parents. I don’t post on social media often but I posted this. Two hours later, on the same day, my daughter-in-law makes a post saying they’re expecting their second baby. I cannot tell if these things are done to stick it to us or it’s just ignorance.

My daughter fell a little her that that’s how they announced it to the world, and not to us directly, as I did also, but they also chose to announce it a couple of hours after she had her big announcement. I told my daughter it could be that they just don’t know that that was not a nice thing to do to her.

Then this stuff starts: daughter-in-law starts making social media posts every time they spend time with my ex-husband with phrases, like “spending time with the best people ever.”
My ex was a drunk and a narcissist, and got involved in drugs, and I had to work two jobs to pay for everything because of him. She knows this and yet she’s going to sing his praises online
She also made an online post selling the bassinet I gave them, but not selling anything else other people gave them.
Once I ask my son, if my daughter can spend the night with them so we can go to a Wedding out of town, and he responded a few minutes later, so I know there’s not enough room for her. Just cause me stress because I appointed my son administrator of our estate and legal guardian if something happened to my daughter, and now, I don’t feel his wife and him would do right by her, if something happened to us .

I feel like they’re doing these little subtle attacks to make me feel hurt and awful, as I knew how much I wanted to be a grandma.

The post with spending time with my ex-husband are especially angering, as he was a deadbeat, and never help raise his children, leaving all responsibilities, financial and other, to my husband and I.

All of last year we did not see them, and it pains me to say my granddaughter does not know us.

Oddly, we were invited to the baby‘s first birthday party. Even though we were invited, I did not feel welcome. We contemplated going, and my husband and her daughter did not want to go, but I did not want to give them more of an excuse to make me the awful person here.

We compromised and decided to go for a short time, be pleasant, bring a gift and leave before things got awkward. I had a broken leg at the time, so that was also a factor. We went and did just that. Her mother and father come up to us for the first time ever with an enthusiastic hello, but her mother was waving her hand in my face and wouldn’t stop, I felt like she was trying to mock saying hello to me since it was my complaint she didn’t say hello last time. Her husband had to lower her hand out of my face since she was overdoing it.

This angered my husband. But we decide nothing because it was the babies party. I try to hold my granddaughter, but she didn’t want to go with me because she didn’t know who I am. My son was standing there, chatting with us pleasantly as we interacted with the baby as much as possible, but her mother sent someone to take the baby away because they suddenly needed to take pictures that instant.
Between that, and my leg and half the place taken up by my ex-husband and his awful family, the discomfort was unbearable, and we decided it was time to go. My son text me for my birthday, but ignored us for Christmas and didn’t bother to tell us about this new pregnancy, apparently they’re due in August.

I’m so hurt. I don’t have much extended family and I just endured a four length Probate for my father dealing with thieving family members. I can’t believe they would hurt me this way.

I do apologize for the long post, but I feel these details create a timeline and why are these things are important. I would appreciate any and all advice you have for me, even if it is blunt and harsh. I don’t know what to do or if I’m even in the wrong.

Thank you in advance