How to talk to my overstressed and verbally abusive daughter

Cost of living, marital troubles, multiple birth? Trouble with neighbours? The list is endless.

Presumably it was her choice to have 4 children. Why is she so stressed?

I would personally play a supportive role rather than risk adding to her stress

Especially if she already feels you are criticising her parenting

You said yourself she is a good mother, parenting in a busy theme park and trying to watch 4 children is going to cause anxiety

should have taught them to use birth control
next door is 30 and 4 kids first they were 16 for no.1 i adore him but even works but its not finacial good ,,told him the other day to put in his pants or get snipped

can not afford and it makes every one have to listen how bad they have it not fair to the kids

I'd criticise if I felt it was warranted.
Adults can live with a bit of criticism from their nearest and dearest.

Never, ever criticise your children's parenting habits unless the child is being harmed. It is not worth the resentment it causes.
A friend received a seven-page letter from her mother, listing all the mistakes she was making in rearing her two young sons. She has never forgotten this as it made her very, very upset and angry at the time.
Just keep it zipped Granny.

What are the other 96000,0001?

Don't forget the Number One Rule of Grandparenting : " Never criticise your child's parenting style'

I have been told before "it is not what you say, it is the way you say it", so I would agree with you op, that you need to tread carefully.

Perhaps talk with your daughter, when she is calmer. Maybe have a coffee with her. A time when she has a few moments to herself. Start by saying, "in no way I think you are a bad mother, I think you are a very good one". "I know you are very stressed". "I know you have too mich to do". "I know you love the children". Those types of things. "I know you are doing your best".

Then gently say that you have noticed that sometimes she seems to talk to the children rather harshly. And ask her or see if she remarks, that she knows she does it too.

I wouldnt labour the point too much. Unless your daughter is rather forgetful about things.

Children are resilient and if your GCs are doing well otherwise I would just leave things.
When my children were little I went out with my friend and her children. At one point all the children started playing up and after my friend had spoken to them and they carried on I shouted. They stopped immediately.
Later my friend was talking to hers about it and asked them why they reacted as they did. "But X shouted," they said.
"I shouted as well," she said.
"Yes," they said "but you do it all the time X doesn't."
I did of course but not usually when they were around. My kids never noticed it.
The point is that children get used to adults shouting at them.

For me the clue is in the word over stressed.
When I was overstressed (which was pretty much most of the time) I said things to my kids I shouldn't have.

I still do it now even though my kids are adults with kids of their own.

Naturall if you are not over stressed or never have been (even when raising your kids) you are one very lucky woman indeed.

Maybe there is much more going on under the surface here. Try to communicate in positive ways with your DD. She needs your support not your criticism.

You say you've tried but she then gets at you, and that you seem to think she should change the way she reacts, as if it is all coming from her.
Do you really think she's a better parent than you were? This isn't how it sounds to me.
I think you probably both need to bring about some changes.

Are your grandchildren visibly distressed when their mother shouts at them?

If they are, you do need to try to discuss your daughter' shouting at them with her.

If the children just shrug their shoulders, regarding this as "one of mother's fusses" leave well alone.

Did you, or her father, shout at her when she was a child? If so, you can hardly expect her to behave differently. If you didn't, then you could mention that you don't think she should shout at her children (or anyone else for that matter), but you will be running the risk of her telling you to mind your own business, won't you?

Why is your daughter so stressed? Being the mother of four is hardly a reason for this. Is she a stay-at-home-mum by choice or is she unable to get a job and feeling useless because she is unemployed? I am confused as you say she is a hard worker, so what is she working at? If she is an old-fashioned wife, mother and housewife by choice and not home-schooling the children, I don¨t see what could be causing stress, unless the marriage is on the rocks. So ask her nicely, if there is anything wrong.

If she were my child, I would start by trying to find out what is causing her stress - in other words voice my concern for her well-being, rather than start by criticising her manner with her children,

Sounds like a normal mum with 4 children at some sort of amusement park 🤷‍♀️
In that situation I think I would have taken to drink before I left the house 😱

Mum sounds stressed and pretty much at the end of her tether. I would say my reaction would be based on how upset her children are (or are not). I’d probably make light of it and change the subject Asap whilst children are around and simply quietly ask my DD if all is ok, or could I help in any way.

I don't see anything particularly burdensome about what sounds like a normal family set up.
It is probably just habit she has got into, but if you say anything, you're going to get shouted at, for sure.

Some people are shouters especially if stressed,, I would try to ease her burden rather than critise as it would probably just exasperate the situation.

If the children have grown up with a shouty parent it is probably not as bad for them as it sounds to an outsider. Not that it is the right thing to do.

As you say, your daughter is a good mother but under a great deal of pressure. I expect the children are regarded as good, obedient children, and she controls them verbally (no mention of threats or physical control or really 'losing it.' )

But I agree that it is not fair on the children and you have to raise the issue with her, gently and in as non-judgemental way as possible. Say simply, GD didn't mean to make a mistake, she is a good girl, as are all your children. Then try and leave the subject, although I think she will take it as personal criticism. Concentrate on the positive, your children are a credit to you etc, and comment on how well she copes and what she achieves in difficult circumstances. Meet negatives with positives.

what does her husband say do.
does he stand up for the children, protect them.
if not, why not.
she sounds disturbed.
or as they say nowadays, has issues.
was she always like this.
how was her upbringing.
could you ring nspcc for advice.