Family visit and language situation

Our DS married a French girl and the GC are bi-lingual. Apparently learning the two languages like that is much easier than learning a language later.
We have a smattering of French. At home mum speaks to the children in French and dad in English. At our house it is mostly English unless DIL speaks directly to the children of just forgets

Sorry to hear that Graygirl. You aren't alone. When I was at the Gaelic college on Skye I met several people who wanted to revive their native tongue. It does seem to be happening now. The number of people learning Gaelic is growing. The short courses get booked up quickly.

When your son and dil are in your home, and in front of you, I do think it is impolite of them to speak in Japanese especially when their English is good.

alan32 was in a place that half was spainish the old granmamas get veery angry when gandkids did not speak
english in mixed group i speak a little canadian french the gran told me to speak it when the kids started in spain

had me tell her a few words and when the kids did it she starting to speak in french a they figured what out they were rude.even the 5 yr old said so too

When I lived in Wales a Chilean neighbour proudly told us that his toddler was now speaking in English as well as Spanish. Another neighbour said ‘She speaks Welsh too’. The father was very surprised until someone asked “Who’s her babysitter?’ It seemed that what her parents thought was just babbling was the Welshwords she had picked up.
This week I was chatting to my Polish neighbour whose 6 year old speaks good English. He asked her a question in Polish and she told him he should speak English as I didn't understand Polish. I thought that was very considerate of her and certainly didn’t expect it.

I spoke English at home with my mum and dad ,Gaelic at school and with my gran. When we all moved to England my dad banned us from using gaelic, my gran would still use it with me when we were alone. She died when I was 19 and with no other Gaelic speaker in my family I lost my native language.

Years ago DH had to go to Japan for 6 months, turned out year and a half. In preparation he had Japanese lessons privately and I went to evening classes just to have a bit of conversation with him. Found it very hard although classes included customs etc. When I did go to Japan I found all I could cope with was the very basics for shopping, ordering plain stuff in restaurants and getting about on transport but would never say I was fluent in any way. Usually ended up with a young person coming to my aid as a lot of them spoke English. Of course the family speaks in their language, far more natural for them.

My Dad always used to comp!ain when DH and I spoke German to each other. DH doesn't speak fluent English, so I was only explaining what was being said and putting it in context for him, for heaven's sake. Who was being "rude" there? My Dad for saying things in English that DH didn't understand, or me for helping him to understand what had been said?

I don't complain if someone is holding a conversation in their common language in my hearing. I don't get what the problem is here.

It is extremely rude to speak a language that your company do not understand. You are the hosts and are excluded. They obviously do not rate good manners. I think if they did that in front of me for any length of time, I would excuse myself and find a task to do. It is not as if they can’t converse in English so there is no excuse. I feel sorry for you.

I speak a couple of foreign languages very well - others might think I speak them fluently, but I would dispute that.
As I don't speak them regularly, I find it exhausting, totally draining, to speak them for a sustained length of time, and I would definitely cut these guests some slack.

I'm learning Scottish Gaelic! It's not easy but I'm slowly picking it up and know what a lot of Scottish place-names mean. My DGC are learning it at school.

Take you choice for winter nights

Language Difficulty Ranking

Category I: 23-24 weeks (575-600 hours)
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Category II: 30 weeks (750 hours)
Languages similar to English

German

Category III: 36 weeks (900 hours)
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Indonesian Malaysian. Swahili

Category IV: 44 weeks (1100 hours)
Languages with significant linguistic and/or cultural differences from English

Albanian Amharic Armenian Azerbaijani Bengali Bosnian Bulgarian Burmese Croatian Czech *Estonian *Finnish *Georgian Greek Hebrew Hindi *Hungarian Icelandic Khmer. Lao Latvian. Lithuanian Macedonian *Mongolian Nepali. Pashto Persian (Dari, Farsi, Tajik) Polish Russian Serbian Sinhala Slovak Slovenian Tagalog *Thai Turkish Ukrainian Urdu Uzbek *Vietnamese Xhosa Zulu

Category V: 88 weeks (2200 hours)
Languages which are exceptionally difficult for native English speakers

Arabic Cantonese (Chinese) Mandarin (Chinese)* Japanese
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Languages preceded by asterisks are usually more difficult for native English speakers to learn than other languages in the same category.

Well, I agree with the OP, it is a bit rude though probably not deliberately so.
I notice that when I'm with my Polish DIL and the grandchildren we speak English together. They live in Poland. Sometimes she and the other grandmother (whose English isn't as good as her daughter's) and talk in Polish to each other, but they try to talk in English if I'm in the room.
If there is a conversation going on which I am curious about, I don't hold back in saying "What's going on?"
Polish is one hell of a language to learn too, by the way!

My brother married a Danish girl 40 years ago and moved to Denmark. Our DM was determined to try to learn the language, so went to night classes and was sufficiently fluent to speak enough to shop and to have her hair done.
The Danish in-laws were very impressed.
Even now I feel rather ashamed that I didn't make any effort to learn Danish.
They talk to their DGC in Danish but my niece and nephew are bilingual.

As for your Japanese in-laws, I wouldn't take offence. It's exhausting speaking in another language all the time. We all feel more comfortable speaking in our mother tongue.

It’s very rude to do this and if they are fluent in English there is no excuse, they would improve their English by only using that when in your company, they could also teach you a few words if they wanted to

We are English speakers but my sons have married French , Italian, Russian, and Hebrew speakers. I’ve made it clear that it’s rude to converse in a language that the elders don’t understand, unless it’s a nice surprise or a parent speaking to their child. Works for us!

Our grandsons speak Russian at home & English when we are with them. I have a smattering of Russian, but that’s it.

CariadAgain

Fae1

Downright rude in my opinion. I'm Welsh, first language is Welsh and I have always conversed with my son in our mother tongue. When his wife is around however we immediately turn to English as I would hate for her to think she was being left out of the conversation or that we were talking about her.

Thank you for such consideration. I'm English and moved to a noticeably Welsh-speaking part of Wales a few years ago and I really appreciate your thoughtfulness on this. Most conversations - whether personal or general - here are in the language everyone understands (ie English) but there are a couple of people over that time who I have asked and asked to speak in a communal language and they just refuse to do so. I know it's something that is to do with them personally and they are in the minority in their attitude - but it does grate and I do find it rude if everyone in the conversation can't understand the conversation. One particular person here would always take about 2 minutes flat to exclude me from communal conversation by turning it into a Welsh language one and I asked and asked her to make OUR communal conversation a communal one (ie we could all understand it) and she just wouldnt and kept on doing this. I was most annoyed when she was on a voluntary community activity I'd decided to go to and that included a couple of Council workmen taking part during the course of their job and she turned to one of them and spoke at him in Welsh and he was perfectly polite in response and just said "I'm sorry - I don't speak Welsh" and she kept on and on and on speaking at him in language he wouldnt understand (though it was very clear she had heard him). Luckily for him I was there and I told her off and said she was doing this deliberately (ie I knew she was doing it in the hopes he would get upset with her and she could then report him for being rude to her). I was not going to give her the chance to upset him so much - and I was free to tell her not to do that (as I don't work for the Council - or anyone else either - as I'm retired) and so she couldnt put in a complaint against me to get me sacked. She walked off - and he thanked me for defending him (as he knew what she was doing and clearly didnt know how to defend himself without her having an excuse to complain about him). So - yep....point being I do firmly believe that, if it's a communal conversation, then everyone involved should be able to fully take part.

Welsh are annoying for this. I don't think I want to go to Wales for a holiday since this kept happening to me. Even after I told them I don't speak Welsh they still kept speaking at me in Welsh.
Also kept getting lectures on Dylan Thomas and had the worst drink in a pub ever, but that's another story.

If it's a communal conversation, I agree that everyone should be able to take part. It seems rude to speak in Japanese in front of English people when they can speak English, but perhaps some of the nuances are lost in doing so. I know it's worse to be the foreigner in your own home, but it's probably difficult for them to parent in English when they are used to parenting in Japanese. OP could learn Japanese?

Yes, do try and learn some Japanese. Duolingo is great, and free. I think your son and family would appreciate it.
You can't expect to become fluent but it would bring you closer together.
And learning a language is said to bring cognitive advantages.
By the way I was a languages teacher and my DD is married to a foreigner but the also speak English. I have learned some of their language.

My DC’s first language was Dutch but they always spoke English to each other when English people were around. I am not sure what you can do about this except try and join in the conversation by asking them what they are talking about.

My daughter and family live abroad. The children are all fluent in English, and when we visit they do speak English. My son in law does have a tendency to speak in his language, but his English is very good, so I took it upon myself to learn their language. I can go shopping on my own when there, order a meal etc. and they’re all thrilled that I’ve made the effort. I get it wrong sometimes and we all have a laugh about it.
Maybe you could try and learn a little Japanese. There’s probably courses online. Have a go. You might just surprise yourself. I know I did! 😃

Fae1

Downright rude in my opinion. I'm Welsh, first language is Welsh and I have always conversed with my son in our mother tongue. When his wife is around however we immediately turn to English as I would hate for her to think she was being left out of the conversation or that we were talking about her.

Thank you for such consideration. I'm English and moved to a noticeably Welsh-speaking part of Wales a few years ago and I really appreciate your thoughtfulness on this. Most conversations - whether personal or general - here are in the language everyone understands (ie English) but there are a couple of people over that time who I have asked and asked to speak in a communal language and they just refuse to do so. I know it's something that is to do with them personally and they are in the minority in their attitude - but it does grate and I do find it rude if everyone in the conversation can't understand the conversation. One particular person here would always take about 2 minutes flat to exclude me from communal conversation by turning it into a Welsh language one and I asked and asked her to make OUR communal conversation a communal one (ie we could all understand it) and she just wouldnt and kept on doing this. I was most annoyed when she was on a voluntary community activity I'd decided to go to and that included a couple of Council workmen taking part during the course of their job and she turned to one of them and spoke at him in Welsh and he was perfectly polite in response and just said "I'm sorry - I don't speak Welsh" and she kept on and on and on speaking at him in language he wouldnt understand (though it was very clear she had heard him). Luckily for him I was there and I told her off and said she was doing this deliberately (ie I knew she was doing it in the hopes he would get upset with her and she could then report him for being rude to her). I was not going to give her the chance to upset him so much - and I was free to tell her not to do that (as I don't work for the Council - or anyone else either - as I'm retired) and so she couldnt put in a complaint against me to get me sacked. She walked off - and he thanked me for defending him (as he knew what she was doing and clearly didnt know how to defend himself without her having an excuse to complain about him). So - yep....point being I do firmly believe that, if it's a communal conversation, then everyone involved should be able to fully take part.

Yes, I love the Welsh for microwave. When I first heard it, I thought I was being teased!

Sorry but I think it is blooming rude. My youngest son has a partner who is Greek and when they get together with family and friends they only speak in Greek. My son is trying hard to learn the language but it makes me annoyed. They can all speak perfect English. Arghghghgh!!!!!

I think it's a bit rude really although I think it unlikely they are saying anything much, BUT much worse is when you are in hospital and 2 nurses speak their own language over you and then start laughing, or people in a lift start speaking in their own language when they are staff in an English hospital! Had that happen to me a couple of times now and it makes me feel very uncomfortable.