So tired but don’t want to lose him

NotSpaghetti

I am sorry you had a tough life BigBopper - like so many.

I suppose now that we are more alert to mental health issues we can't just turn the clocks back and simply expect everyone to just get by.

This is the problem, if something does not go the way some people want they put it down to mental problems.

My late husband's parents died when he was 18, just a few weeks after I met him. Even though I had only known him a few weeks we knew we were in love. Three years after we met we got married and then a few months later my dad died. My younger sister died of cancer and then my mum died.

Our second baby was still born and I was in hospital for three months with our third baby who luckily survived.

We didn't have mental health problems, we got through it all together.

I honestly think that if some people cannot cope they put it down to mental health when in most cases they should grow a backbone.

I have lost patience with them all, I think many of them are too idle to sort their problems out and are happy to let someone else do it for them.

I am sorry you had a tough life BigBopper - like so many.

I suppose now that we are more alert to mental health issues we can't just turn the clocks back and simply expect everyone to just get by.

Mammals are still evolving bigbopper

Does the grandson go to nursery during the week? Is his mother capable of caring for him at all?
Get on to Social Services and persist; they are very good at dumping provision on family members and closing their ears to cries for support.

What I cannot understand is that I was born during the war as was my late husband, we had nothing, outside toilet, tin bath, no central heating, we collectedcoal from the road after the coal men had dropped their sacks so we could have a fire. We lived near a refuse tip and when the refuse bins had dropped off their waste we used to go with our dad to find old wood and things we could burn on the fire. My mum had a ringer machine, a posser to do her washing.

We did not have mental problems we just got oin with it,

I know you are going to say I am being very insensitive but it is about time that everything was not put down to mental health problems, If they had lost their husbands, sons or members of family in the war, they would know what mental problems were but we just got on with it.

Even murderers on the streets are now diagnosed with mental problems. It is ridiculous.

NotSpaghetti

You cannot take precautions against someone being ill though can you BigBopper - unfortunately.

When my late husband was ill for a few years I never got any help from our family, they were always "too busy". They even had the cheek to ask me to childmind as they wanted to go to a show, a few weeks before my husband died.

When I become ill and cannot manage, I will sell my home and move into a care home and not, under any circumstances expect help from our family.

If there is any money left after paying for care then they will get it.

Caleo the OP said
My daughter has mental health problems and can be very abusive. She has social services involved and I was brought into the plan to help her due to her mental health

This is the situation with her daughter.

The social services should be looking after the child of a parent who can't cope with their own child. As someone has suggested your GP may be the gatekeeper for more and better social services support.
What is the matter with your disabled daughter and why is she not getting treatment?

You cannot take precautions against someone being ill though can you BigBopper - unfortunately.

BigBopper I’m with you.

I feel so sorry for your predicament. Why is it that many problems with adult children always fall on the parents or grandparents. Why can't they grow up and organise their lives themselves instead of expecting handouts and childminding duties.

We did our bit and looked after our own children without any help from anyone. No-one childminded for us and we didn't expect them to. It is about time they grew up and if they cannot manage their children then they should not have any.

My late husband and I have been through this with our daughters and if I knew then what I know now we would have emigrated and left them to it.

Iam64 is right.
You need some time for yourself and your daughter (presumably) needs respite too as she is unwell.
I think you need to lay these simple facts out with Social Care and I'd suggest you do that ahead of turning your own younger children into carers too. Obviously youngsters can help in the house (and many do) but they are still children and it is best, I think, to allow them to contribute without them being your only crutch.

A placement at a nursery during the week will give your daughter a break from her little one so you can all enjoy a happier time together.

I do hope you can sort something out soon.

There are some good points on here.. where is your GC's father? and why can't the other grandparent take turns with you? Are there any other people aunts, uncles, friends who could help? Having MH issues does not entitle your daughter to automatically expect you to use ALL your spare time looking after her child..

The reality is that unless you start to have at least one day free over the w/e then your health is going to suffer..

I think you need to talk to all involved and come up with a plan that allows you rest time and importantly some time with your own children.. where is their father? Can he help?

If you make a plan that is agreed to by everyone involved then people, especially your daughter, are more likely to respect your needs and then not to blame you for not making yourself ill with exhaustion, stress and worry..

I also wonder where the fathers of all these children are and what they are doing to help.

It is all well and good saying your 10 and 13 year old should take some responsibility for your GS. That only goes so far - it is not their job! The fact is you are exhausted and something has to change - please make that happen. Speak to your GP and don't pull any punches tell him / her exact what is happening and that you can no longer have your GS for 24 hours each week. You love your GS I understand that , but you have your own children to care for and IMO they should not be responsible for the care of your GS. The 10 year old is too young for that responsibility and I doubt the 13 year old should be put in that position either! I understand your DD has mental health problems and that SS are already involved it if SS think you are coping you will be left to manage unless you shout loud and clear!! Your 10 and 13 year old deserve a Mum who is not worn out all the time.
Make a fuss , shout loud and I wish you luck. 💐

At 13 DGD was a competent cook who was displacing her father as the family cook.

As others say, At 13 &10, the children should already be rsponsible for keeping their bedrooms clean and tidy. They could also keep their baby nephew amused for an hour or so, while you relax on a sofa. near at hand, even have a nap.

Stop takingeverything on your back, distribute some of the tasks.

Rememeber when a mentallybill person shouts and abuses you, it is the illness talking not the person. It s the same with someone with dementia, sodo not take her buse personally.

I think it highly unlikely that she will refuse to let you see your grandson, if you say it is all too much. If you have a breakdown, not only will your grandson suffer, but your children could end in care. So call a halt to your daughter's demand that you care for you grandson 24 hours a week.

Go and see your doctor, speak to social services and tell your daughter firmly that enough is enough,

www.staffordshire.gov.uk/Children-and-early-years/Childcare/think2/Funded-2-year-places-Families-receiving-additional-government-support.aspx

Round here your daughter would probably be able to receive childcare funding for her two year old under this scheme.

Ask if there's a similar scheme in your area, her social worker should know but may not have suggested it as you're helping out.

Best wishes Tiredhelper xx

Iam64 Argymargy

Excellent, helpful advice.

I hope the OP is receiving appropriate medical support for her own health.
Just wondering if you have had blood tests recently OP? If not, could you possibly see your GP? You may be deficient in B12 or Vitamin D.
I hope life will improve for you and your family.

Go to see your GP and maybe take a break for a while? You say you have chronic health problems and all this stress is unsustainable.
I hope something gets sorted for you.

You haven't mentioned the child's father?

Your children that are living with you are old enough to help with household chores rather than going off and leaving you to it. They could be taking the dog out for a start surely?

It seems that you have DGC for 24 hours to give DD a break - she would spiting herself to stop this wouldn't she?

Where is your own partner in all this? Are they supporting you or no longer on the scene?

OP you might get additional useful help on this by posting on Mumsnet.

What a tough place you’re living through. You don’t detail your daughter’s mh problems but it sounds as though there are also difficult personality issues causing additional stress for you.
The social work plan to support her care of her child doesn’t acknowledge the stress this is placing on you. It’s easy for people to add to your feelings of being overwhelmed by appearing to suggest simply getting your children to help with domestic stuff will ease your burden.
You sound exhausted by the demands on you and isolated. I don’t know how you can tell your daughter without making her angry and your fear of repercussions must be hard to life with. If the social work assessment says your daughter needs a break to safely and consistently care for her child, why aren’t the using the funds available for this purpose. We all know preventive/support services have been decimated but it should be possible to eg provide a nursery or child minder place for 2 or 3 days a week so mum can attend mh counselling, or whatever has been recommended to aid her mh recovery.
Then, your grandson could come to visit you with his mum for a treat, rather than be added to your responsibilities
Maybe raising this with the sw will help

Sorry for the typos but finger doesn't want to work this morning 🤦

I agree with Macadia why does your daughter need a break if she doesn't work. Is your daughter taking medication for her health condition? Where is your grandsons father and does he pay maintenance?

What does your daughter do with your grandson the rest of the week ?

Plus your own children are aged 10 and 13 they can help out with housework. Our own children cleaned their own bedroom from aged 8 and had to tidy away toys down stairs after playing with them from aged 3 into the toy baskets. Aged 8 they took it on turns laying the table and putting away the washing up . And they had to put dirty washing in the laundry basket . I put clean washing on their beds which they put away. As from aged 8 their bedrooms where they private places and their responsibility. It's the way I was brought up and my husband said we would bring the children up as my brother and I was . He didn't have a happy childhood.

Getting children to do household jibs teaches them responsibility. Once old enough taught them to sew on buttons take up hems and repair clothes . Taught them to iron . And since very young had them in the kitchen teaching them to cook.

Doing almost these things made my brother self sufficient. We even laid the coke fire after cleaning it out ready for our parents to come home from work so we had hot water and heating ready for them . When older we started the dinner for them . I am 66 my brother 65 he brought his children up the same .

And our children grew up to being able to do things for themselves which they teach their children.

It saddens me even in this day and aged people in their 40's and younger don't know how to cook from scratch or sew .