Son and his wife have split

Things will settle down into a new rythym for your family, life will go on for everyone just in a different way. Please try to stay on good terms with your DIL and perhaps offer to give help with the children. 8

Thank you Tanith, that’s comforting.

My son and his partner split up 4 years ago when their son was seven. At the time they were living with me. His partner continued living with us for 2 years until she was able to get a council flat. It's been a fairly amicable separation, the main problem being that their son is autistic and has had a lot of problems at school. It means they have had to co operate and support each other to support him. At the moment things are running fairly smoothly but I suppose there may be problems in the future if either of them finds a new partner.

This situation is quite familiar to me as my DDs marriage broke up when her youngest was 6 weeks old. A good friend of mine experienced the break up of her sons marriage around the same time.
You clearly still, quite reasonably, want to be in the lives of GS's and I am assuming that your ex DIL will have custardy.
Your son will, almost certainly, have rights of access which could include bringing your GS's to see you. My advice is to try and stay on good terms with everybody and, assuming that you are dealing with reasonable adults, everything should be fine.

Things took a while to shake down at first. We are now eight years down the line from the break-up and although it is still not an ideal situation, things chug along quite amiably most of the time.

Sorry custody.

Thank you for your insight, Indigi8. I’m sorry that you’ve been where I am now but like you said, things move forward and can be amiable.

Thank you Deedaa, that sounds like a challenging situation for you all initially. I’ve thought ahead to a time when my DS and DiL find new partners, I imagine it’ll be bittersweet - good that they have found love again but it’s not what I invisaged their future to be.

My youngest s marriage broke down and they divorced The children were in their teens one wanted to be with Dad one with mum and one went between the two
They ve all grown up close friends but the parents only meet if necessary for a college or job situation no friendship there but civil
I was divorced with three small children it didn’t effect either parents
Let it settle it’s a very very common process now a days

It was a shock to me when my daughter split from her husband, but they worked out good arrangements for the children, who cope brilliantly with two homes. Both parents have remarried. My grandchildren now have so many people who love them, including grandparents and steps in their wider family. All came together amicably for my granddaughter’s 18th birthday.
Just carry on loving and supporting them all, Overthinker.

We haven't been so lucky. Our daughter and her husband separated after 10 months of marriage despite being together for 7 years. I can honestly say it's been the worst 8 years of our lives.
We have to maintain 2 houses, help out financially despite being retired as they rented and had no savings . The vitreol between them was terrible. Now, they just don't communicate and we don't speak to him either. We were so fond of him, but he became someone I didn't recognise after and he's no better now. It's as if she left him the way he behaves, so bitter and angry. My heart breaks for the kids and I'm still struggling with how easily they allowed it to happen. Selfish and immature, they just didn't put the kids front and central . They had a row, he said its over and that was it! I hope your situation is more harmonious

Thanks BlueBelle, my husband said the same thing about it being common nowadays. I feel too deeply and my username also gives a sense of what I’m like! Thanks again for replying.

Thanks Cabbie21, that’s reassuring and sensible advice. I hope our situation works out the way yours has.

Sorry to her how things have been for your family, Gran32. I suppose every family is different but the fallout affects us all, doesn’t it.

Overthinker sorry your son and dil have split. I hope they are sensible, mature people and work through this.
Our DD split with SIL after he had office affair during covid.
He refused to stop seeing this woman.
They had a weeks old son at the time, but DD told him to get out. He has been an abusive ex full of hate, and police have been involved. Poor GS has been split between two houses and has been damaged, with no stability.
Overthinker, I pray your son and dil behave for the children's sake. Four years later, we are still facing a disruptive life trying to support dil and gs, not easy as we are in mid 70s.
This has been a worse case scenario.

My advice would to keep on good terms with your daughter in law so that you can have access to your grandchildren.

Divorce and the consequences of divorce are awful. Lucky are those who can come out of it as ‘friends’. I am divorced, but it was horrible . He has remarried the woman who he had an affair with . I chose to continue life on my own. It’s 24 years now and i am ok about it.
Sadly, my daughter (2 grown up children) has also divorced, but she has taken it badly.. Her ex-husband had a child with someone else. Outwardly, she seems to have accepted it. Has a good job etc. But emotionally, she hasn’t got over it. She takes her frustrations out on me and her kids - .one minute all sweetness and light, next minute, the red mist envelopes her.. it’s all so sad. Sometimes I wonder if she suffers from undiagnosed bi-polar disorder.
It will get better Overthinker - stay on good terms with your d.I.l. and I hope you will see a lot of your grandchildren.

It’s good for you to get your feelings out right here anonymously on gransnet. The next few months or even years will consist a lot of you being an ‘ear’ more than usual. Divorces, especially early stages, are delicate and volatile. Best to share little of your own opinion with the couple to avoid inadvertent escalation. I think grandparents are essential in such situations because it provides an opportunity to be the ‘rock’ for the grandchildren as they may witness emotional distress from the parents. Be the steady support for the grandchildren when you see them. I’d only be vocal if your son wasn’t stepping up for them. Even then, say your peace and let it be. For now, keep on good terms with both parents so your grandchildren can keep you as a steady, loving figure. Be strong!

It’s hard overthinker, not something we plan for that’s certain. Our son and his wife split up seven years ago. As her Mum was geographically distant we supported them both initially and also our grandchildren. Hard? Definitely but oh so worth it.

We’ve kept a good relationship with our former daughter in law who is now happily settled with a new partner. It was hard, I’ll not pretend otherwise, but so worth it to have kept that link with the mother of our much loved grandchildren. Please try not to take sides. We supported our son while never, ever being sucked into criticising his wife in conversation with him. Their relationship is fairly amicable now, we’ve relaxed and now and again will agree with our son when he makes what seem to us to be accurate comments about how things were.

In our case yes, it has got better. The shock passed, divorce happened, our grandchildren matured and have coped wonderfully well. Our son talks to us openly as does our former daughter in law. They can now be in the same place to celebrate family milestones. Has it been easy for anyone? Nope. Mr C says he still bears the scars on his read from sitting on the fence. We got through it, as will you in time. Wishing you well.

Rear not read! .

I’m sorry to hear about your situation, livelylady, it sound very traumatic all round. Life throws so much at us doesn’t it, and we have to get through the best way we can. Thank you for replying.

Thank you lovely ladies for your thoughtful replies and for sharing your experiences. I’m getting the sense that things may work out ok but only time will tell. Thank you once again

I really hope it does work for your family. Try and stay on good terms with your DIL if possible.
My daughter left her now ex husband nearly 4 years ago after he had an affair. He would not discuss anything except in Court it was a long bitter custody battle. He has the 10 and 5 year old four nights one week and two the next. He will not allow the children to communicate with their mummy in his time and is rigid to the Court order. Co parenting with someone like him is awful. He is cruel. Nearly four years on it gets worse and harder for my daughter and the children. A heartbreaking situation.
I am sad others are in heartbreaking situations too. It should be about ensuring the childrens happiness moving forward not the parents fighting ….

I hope everything works out well for your family Overthinker. You sound like a lovely person and I am sure you will be able to maintain a good relationship with your DIL which in turn will make life easier for your grandchildren.
Things will of course be different but they don't have to be bad.
Be kind to yourself and wrap yourself up with some self care, this way you can be strong for your family during this time. 💜