What to do or not to do

Pamrc1

My dil is always out of the house and lately its getting to the extreme. My son says he wants her to feel happy but I know he's not happy and has raised the subject quite often recently.
For context they have been together 10 years, have 2 boys 6 and 8, the younger has autism and servere learning difficulties. She works in the school over dinner times. My son works in construction.
Last year she started to go out each weekend clubbing with her friends, she would be out from 4 pm till 4 am, son said she needed time alone after having the boys all week. That fizzled out after about 6 months and she started to spend more time with her best friend.
So as things stand atm my son comes home from work cooks for the family meal, she comes home from her friends around 6 with the boys, eats and then goes back to her friends alone till around 9 -10pm 4 or 5 days a week.
My son doesn't drink and is into his fitness but that has stopped now he also stopped seeing friends.
He doesn't know how to address it as she gets angry and defensive when he asks her to stay home more.
It's so sad to see things going downhill and I don't know how or if I should say anything. The boys are asking why she always at her friends and they want her to do bedtime, but she's just withdrawn from them all.
Would love to hear your feelings on it,

Feel bad for your GC as they aren’t choosing this and don’t have a say in their mother not being around whereas your son is a grown man and is choosing this for him and his children. He could always leave her if he isn’t happy.

Definitely just be there and support.
There seems to be a lot going on that you don't know about.

I'd wonder if she's ground down and fed up with being a mum (and not a person). It may be a sort of depression?

I think people can also go a bit wild if they can shed responsibilities - your son has "stepped up" and so she's just let him.
When I worked in refuge some women went off the rails when they got out of their relationships. It was a bit like taking the lid off a pressure cooker.

If someone has been in a caring role for some months/years they also can go a bit wild when the burden is lifted (even when they deeply love the person).

Of course she may be having an affair. She may feel the need for validation and enjoy the euphoria that can come with a secret relationship.

Whatever is going on with your daughter-in-law, you cannot change it - but you can ask them if they'd like you to babysit so they can have an evening off together.

I don't know what involvement you have usually but I'd start there. If they don't want it maybe you can take the burden off them now and then by cooking a dinner for them if they would accept it.

If your son isn't seeing people or going to the gym then he may be feeling low too.
Potentially they are dragging each other down.

Be there for them if you can.
...but the choices are theirs.

My other question would be, and it may sound random, but did your dil marry, or get together, young.
Did she miss out on going out times, parties etc.

Sparklefizz

I wonder what support and practical help they are having for the younger boy who has "autism and severe learning difficulties"?

Yes. This.

Hithere

This is a marital issue

Well spotted, Sherlock 🤦🏼‍♀️

There is nothing you can say.

Just listen, support your son and GC.

You don't say if she is at home all day with her neurodiverse son, or whether he is at school.. she may feel justified in having some fun if she is.. I think that if you are able to have the boys to stay for a few days and encourage them to go away alone that they might have time to discuss how they want to move forward.. and it may well be separation.. she sounds like she is having a last fling at recapturing her youth.. Your son is behaving in a remarkably responsible caring manner and maybe she will be able to see this if they can reconnect away from all the pressures of family living..

halfpint1

Carry on being the Grandmothet. In troubled times a rock is a good place for the children

Very wise and lovely words halfpint1

All you can do is support the family. Are you able to do any childcare to give the boys some security.?
There is nothing you can do to alter your daughter-in-law's attitude; she seems to have abandoned the marriage and also childcare; I saw this with a friend's son's marriage. She did all she could; her son eventually had a nervous breakdown through constant upheavals (change of home, area, jobs, good career abandoned, all to appease his wife); they are still together but he is now deeply resentful about what he has sacrificed and it would have been better if they had split earlier. Their children now rootless, wasted ability.
Support your grandchildren and son but do not interfere; easy to say but very hard indeed to do.

Sad situation.

Having a Neurodiverse child can be extremely challenging, however this sounds like a marriage breakdown.

I wonder what support and practical help they are having for the younger boy who has "autism and severe learning difficulties"?

A difficult and upsetting situation for all involved Pamrc1.

I think Wyllow's suggestion of looking after the children so your son can have some free time is a good one but apart from that, and being there to offer what support you can, there's nothing more you can do.

I hope that things improve .

Mitzigem

Yes , of course it’s a marital issue.
As heart breaking as it is , there’s nothing you can do, but just be there for them and support their decision .

If possible be there once a week in the evening for son to go to the gym or pick up going out with a friend?

Yes , of course it’s a marital issue.
As heart breaking as it is , there’s nothing you can do, but just be there for them and support their decision .

swampy1961

It is not unreasonable for your son to ask his wife if she would stop in while he has a stint at the gym or has a night out with his mates. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander! They can both have other interests or outings but not at the expense of the other.
He needs to raise her defensiveness and anger with her and stress (even if he doesn't feel it) that they both have the freedom to do other things. It sounds like she is avoiding him which is why she is getting angry - have they had a disagreement about something?

I’m wondering if he went out often when the children were younger and now she feels it’s “her turn”?

They seem very unhappy together

Your point being??

This is a marital issue

It is not unreasonable for your son to ask his wife if she would stop in while he has a stint at the gym or has a night out with his mates. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander! They can both have other interests or outings but not at the expense of the other.
He needs to raise her defensiveness and anger with her and stress (even if he doesn't feel it) that they both have the freedom to do other things. It sounds like she is avoiding him which is why she is getting angry - have they had a disagreement about something?

Your DiL sounds very unhappy and so does your son. Not much you can do other than be there for them and perhaps offer to take your grandsons for a while in order to give them a chance to discuss things whilst the children are not around.
The present situation is untenable and I imagine will come to a head at some point. Do be vigilant in looking for signs of depression in your son who has dropped all his friends or indeed your DiL who has, as you say, withdrawn from them all.
Can only imagine how worried you must be.
All the best 🙏🏾

Carry on being the Grandmothet. In troubled times a rock is a good place for the children

My feelings are I would be worried if my son and his family were going through this type of situation, because it is a change in the family dynamics. Which can be a red flag.

But, in reality there isn't much you can do about it, is there?

Your son will have to decide how he wants to play this.

I feel for you, worrying on the sidelines, but it's his relationship so it is up to him how he handles it.

It’s all very sad. So she takes the boys to her friend’s house and then they come in by 6pm to have the tea that her husband has cooked ? I’m afraid your d.i.l. is unhappy in the marriage. I feel so sorry for your son. And I’m sure all this is making you sad too. There’s not a lot you can do except hope that she will see the error of her ways, so to speak. In the meanwhile, just support your son and the children. You can’t do much more.
I knew my daughter’s marriage was in trouble when her husband (now Ex) spent his daughter’s second birthday on the golf course. I’m still angry about it
They are now divorced.