How do we help our 8 year old granddaughter gain confidence?

My very best friend has a granddaughter with very similar ‘issues’. She was always more comfortable with her younger sister and her friends. However, having passed her GCESs with flying colours and going on to a new 6th Form A level course, studying drama, dance, arts etc. and passing her driving test, she is so much more confident and is happily working part-time in hospitality at a local pub. She’ll be fine, I’m sure, pinkym.

I agree. Leave her be.

Well ' said' Monica . I agree completely. Quiet shy people eventually learn to manage life - don't we all ? Leave her be and watch her mature and develop into the woman she is.

Esmay

Oops - trying to correct it sent prematurely !
Some girls at school , who hadn't been to my home thought that I was an orphan because I only talked about my grandma .
I know that the situation was made far worse by my mother . She loved me , but was always so angry and so hypercritical .
If I had a problem I couldn't approach her .
I also had friends , who tended to be as introverted as me .
From your post , your granddaughter has a happy balanced childhood so is something else worrying her ?
I don't know if being an introvert runs in families .
My second daughter was even more shy that I was .
This is such a delicate situation .
It's wonderful that you are so sensitive to it .

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I don't believe there is anything bothering her, she has been this way since she was able to walk and talk. She has come out of her shell an awful lot since starting school, but there is just that something holding her back from being her true self with extended family and friends and others. She has a brilliant (if somewhat lavatorial at times!) sense of humour, always a cheeky answer, but no-one outside of parents and grandparents ever get to see that side of her.

M0nica

I think the best thing you can do is leave her alone and stop worrying about her. Some children are just shy and are better left to find their own solutions as they grow older.

From the amount of things you have told us she has said and you have said to her, I think that there is already too much focus on it and she is geing made to feel awkward.

I had a sister who was extemely shy as a child, but as she progressed through secondary school she developed her own coping mechanisms and quietly developed her own group of friends. But she was surrounded by love but left to find her own solution - and she did.

There is a place in this world for the shy child and shy adult.

Agree totally with this 👍

I think the best thing you can do is leave her alone and stop worrying about her. Some children are just shy and are better left to find their own solutions as they grow older.

From the amount of things you have told us she has said and you have said to her, I think that there is already too much focus on it and she is geing made to feel awkward.

I had a sister who was extemely shy as a child, but as she progressed through secondary school she developed her own coping mechanisms and quietly developed her own group of friends. But she was surrounded by love but left to find her own solution - and she did.

There is a place in this world for the shy child and shy adult.

She will grow into it ! Typo.

She sounds a bit like my son
when he was a child. Would never go on fairground rides , or take risks . Had to be persuaded to join cubs -but loved it. Flatley refused to go on the school exchange to Germany. Climbing walls , high slides were not his thing! So unlike his sister who had a had a go everything!!? He is now a quietly confident man but never wants to be the centre of attention. He is who he is and we accepted it as he grew. Your GD seems to be very similar, he will grow into her quiet disposition and all will be well.

Oops - trying to correct it sent prematurely !
Some girls at school , who hadn't been to my home thought that I was an orphan because I only talked about my grandma .
I know that the situation was made far worse by my mother . She loved me , but was always so angry and so hypercritical .
If I had a problem I couldn't approach her .
I also had friends , who tended to be as introverted as me .
From your post , your granddaughter has a happy balanced childhood so is something else worrying her ?
I don't know if being an introvert runs in families .
My second daughter was even more shy that I was .
This is such a delicate situation .
It's wonderful that you are so sensitive to it .

In my opinion you are right to be concerned .
I was painfully shy as a child .
I had ballet and riding lessons , went to friend's homes and they came to mine .
Looking back ,I've wondered why I was so introverted .
I'm not saying that it's the case in your granddaughter's upbringing , but in mine something was very wrong .
My parents were always too busy - busy with work and with socialising .
They had no time for me .
Th girls at school thought that I

This sounds like an extremely loved and yet unspoilt and well grounded little girl, eager to take part in things but just shy by nature.
I was painfully shy as a child, can remember blushing like a beetroot which I did up until I was middle aged.
Nothing you do will change her nature but I imagine she will make a few close friends as she goes through her childhood years whom she will be herself with/let down her guard. And of course she likes activities where she is concentrating on a task rather than socialising so maybe extend such activities where she works with a group on a particular task/activity. There are various local projects near us where children can get involved with nature walks, birdwatching, and planting trees. Also if she likes dance why not get her involved with a theatre group once she is old enough. Have heard many famous actors say that they started acting to deal with their shyness.
But really and honestly she sounds absolutely fine and if she is anything like me may feel as if others are treating her differently because she is shy. Best to minimise any talk of bringing her out of herself when she is in earshot or could overhear.
Being shy is perfectly normal, try to work with it rather than against it.

Am I right in thinking that you are inferring that her shyness is bothering her because she said ‘sadly’ that she was shy and her sister wasn’t? Do you know that she is suffering ‘pain and longing’? I have known shy children who could not have even gone to Brownies or similar, far less perform on stage. Could it be that you adults are more bothered by her different behaviour outside than she is?
Can I also say that although you say you never discuss her shyness in front of her, children are very good at picking up when adults have a motive (however well meant) for their behaviour, and the adults think they are acting naturally!

Your granddaughter is shy and possibly a loner. She dances, is a brownie and swims, That is enough.
She finds spontaneous relationships difficult; that will develop but may take time. You are all too invested in her shyness, questioning her about friends at school and elsewhere.
She is learning self-reliance and independence, and doesn't fall apart if she is not with a particular friendship group or separated from her 'best friend'. Far more valuable.
Give her a break, let her develop naturally, and stop comparing her with her sister, consciously or subconsciously.

Hello there, and thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and heartfelt post about your lovely granddaughter. It sounds like she’s a remarkable little girl, balancing so much strength and sensitivity. How fortunate she is to have such caring and understanding grandparents and parents by her side.

One idea that springs to mind is perhaps gently encouraging activities where she can take the lead in a small way. Games like charades or simple role-playing games, where she can step into different characters, might help her explore expressing herself without any pressure. These can be fun for everyone and allow her to showcase her personality in a playful, low-stakes setting.

It also sounds like she has quite the inner strength—whispering "I can do this" is a wonderful habit, and it’s amazing that she’s so physically courageous. Maybe reinforcing that same phrase for social situations (in a subtle way) could help her feel empowered when she's around others. Sometimes, reminding her that being shy isn't a flaw, but simply one of the ways she experiences the world, might lessen her worries about it.

Your patience and understanding will make such a difference for her; shy or not, she's clearly blooming in her own way and time. She’s very lucky to have you all cheering her on. Wishing you all the best in finding gentle ways to help her shine!

P.S. And extremely confident

pinkym - when my granddaughter was little, she was painfully shy, almost withdrawn. Even when our family got together, she would go to the spare room with her colouring books. Her brother, 2 years older, would talk and talk and talk. Once, my son (her Uncle) and I took her to a show in Birmingham - a 2 hour trip. She did not say a word, except answer yes and no.
Today she has blossomed into a smart, chatty, sweet young 21 year old, who has just graduated with a 1st Class Honours Degree.
Your granddaughter will be fine.

So you do comment about her shyness, when she compares herself to her little sister. Have you tried complimenting her just out of the blue, and ignoring her comparisons?

Jaxjacky

Absolutely agree FGT and Olivia won’t be daft. I’d be playing down her perceived ‘ differences’ such as comparing herself with her younger sister with reassurance that everyone is different.
There is a danger of making too much of this, making a mountain out of a molehill.

We absolutely do play down those perceived differences. When she compared herself with her little sister, DIL said that yes, baby sister might be more confident, but Olivia was great at dancing and creating and is getting fantastic school reports, so should be very proud of herself, it doesn't matter that she's quieter - Mummy is quieter than Daddy. We never discuss anything in front of her and never ever comment on her being shy.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Honestly? She sounds perfect just as she is. Lots of family praise “you are pretty amazing when you do that!” gives her a solid foundation to build on. She’s much loved, that’s the main thing. Sadly some kids aren’t.

Our own L’il Miss (8 in January) is bright as a button, witty and makes us all laugh with her take on things. We all delight in her personality and say ‘she should be on the stage!’ However, that’s at home. Outside? Little Miss Shy. Observes rather than joins in. Doesn’t want to go to any after school clubs (swimming lessons have been the exception here - mum held out on that one because it’s a life skill and therefore important) and so she isn’t pressurised to ‘join’ anything. She’ll find her own comfort level and that’s Good Enough. We are all different and all bring something to the Table of Life. 🤞

That's so reassuring FGT, your L'il Miss sounds so much like ours. Both brownies and dance classes were at Olivia's request as her "best friend" went to both, they would never pressurise her to join anything. I'd forgotten she also does swimming lessons, for the same reason, it's a life skill. As others have suggested, I think drama classes or a martial art might be a good thing, but with two evenings a week plus a Saturday morning, already taken up, that might not be possible, it could be overload. All the grandchildren get loads of family praise for any achievement small or big. When I look back, she's already come out so much since that little dot at pre-school who didn't make a single friend.

Absolutely agree FGT and Olivia won’t be daft. I’d be playing down her perceived ‘ differences’ such as comparing herself with her younger sister with reassurance that everyone is different.
There is a danger of making too much of this, making a mountain out of a molehill.

Honestly? She sounds perfect just as she is. Lots of family praise “you are pretty amazing when you do that!” gives her a solid foundation to build on. She’s much loved, that’s the main thing. Sadly some kids aren’t.

Our own L’il Miss (8 in January) is bright as a button, witty and makes us all laugh with her take on things. We all delight in her personality and say ‘she should be on the stage!’ However, that’s at home. Outside? Little Miss Shy. Observes rather than joins in. Doesn’t want to go to any after school clubs (swimming lessons have been the exception here - mum held out on that one because it’s a life skill and therefore important) and so she isn’t pressurised to ‘join’ anything. She’ll find her own comfort level and that’s Good Enough. We are all different and all bring something to the Table of Life. 🤞

MissAdventure

What does she do at brownies?
Does she join in with the other children?
I'm presuming so, plus she does ballet and has been on stage.

Does she have a best friend, or group of friends?

Some of her friends from school attend brownies but she is on a different table to them (not sure why they have tables, I suppose for craft activities or similar). She doesn't seem to have any interaction with the other girls on the table, I asked does she talk to them and she said no, she didn't want to. Which I think is just a defence mechanism. That said, she seems to really enjoy herself there and has been working towards badges. I did explain about friends in my reply to silverlining above. As I said, if it wasn't for the fact it bothers her so much, we would just accept she is who she is. We're going to try to teach her coping strategies, both my ds and dil are basically shy people but you would never believe it. DS laughs and smiles a lot and everyone loves him and says what a great guy he is, dil asks questions about people before meeting them so that she has topics she can talk about with them. She pushes herself a lot to make conversation.

Your gd parents are doing the right thing by inviting other children over, and that’s all they can do really.
I was fairly solitary at primary school but things were better at secondary school where I made some lifelong friends.
Try not to let her know you are concerned. It won’t help.
I suggested drama club because I was listening to the radio the other day where a very well known personality was talking about his drama club days. He was a shy boy then. I won’t say who but I used to take him to the drama group most weeks with my dd.

She is shy.
Some children are, as are some adults.
Some grow out of it, some don't.
It doesnt sound much different than I was as a child, or my oldest grandson.

It's just how we're made.

Dee1012

My first thought too was about school or her classmates?

I was very shy as a child and would never have attended dance classes / Brownies etc.
I appreciate everyone is different but it could be the situation rather than the child - if that makes sense?

If she enjoys a physical challenge...how about self defence classes, a friends two grandchildren attend Judo classes and really enjoy those.
Another option is horse riding (finances permitting).

Same here. It's such an odd situation and diffult to explain, because she will push herself to join brownies (which she loves) and dance classes, it's just that she can't seem to push herself forward with other children and so appears to be on the outside looking in. As a toddler she would never go on anything at the park where other children were already on it, that isn't the case now, so she has progressed. Even within the family, she will not instigate conversations with my husband or with her aunts and uncles on each side. She'll respond to their questions, but very quietly and shyly. It even takes a while for her to warm up with her cousins, but eventually the giggling and charging around starts. I'm at a loss...