Frustrated at mum

Good to know that you care so much for your mum, she's a lucky woman, but I can tell from what you are telling me that she is struggling to remain independent, the comment about not being able to drive highlights this. I imagine she knows that her health is getting worse but wants to battle on regardless.
The distance you live from her makes things difficut obviously, you say your brother bobs in for a few hours every so often, what does he have to say about your mum's health? Can he up the visits and take a little more responsibility with going to doctors etc. Would put your mind at ease a bit. Maybe if he increases the days he goes and you could perhaps visit a bit more - you do enough I know but is important to keep track of any changes in your mum's overall health.
She might well need professional help at home, this may not go down too well but try easing her into it gradually, just dropping it in conversation before bringing it up more seriously so she has had a chance to mull it over.
Could be that after her health issues have been addressed she goes back to being more active/able, that is the hope, but have a plan for in case that doesn't happen.
All the best with this. Your mum sounds like a fiercely independent soul. I hope I turn out half as feisty.

Hi Mattsmum, just to say l appreciate, from experience, how difficult it can be trying to help ageing parents. Re her eating properly - has she gained/lost weight, you should be able to tell by how her clothes fit rather than discussing it with her. If she is loosing weight you might suggest some fortifying meal supplements. It might be an idea to have a word with her neighbours and the charity shop, she'll probably take huge exception to this so exercise tact (although with hindsight I'd forget tact, plunge right in and ignore her indignation - but you know your mum, I don't). Often (and it's well documented on this forum) neighbours and friends have much more idea of how someone is coping/deteriorating than visiting family (sometimes because the parent can dupe the family). I'd approach a few key people your mum sees regularly (on your own), maybe to offer your phone number 'should it be necessary' to contact you. You may find they take the opportunity to voice their concerns. If they already have your number you could be 'checking they have it'.
Have you/your brother got Power of Attorney (for finance and health). If not you need to try to sort this out asap it will give you the ability to be included and help guide your mum with her future health and possible social care needs.
The change in dynamics when children become more and more responsible for the care of their parents can be quite a battle, always try to do what is right for your mum even though she might not see it that way. What l mean is, don't defer to her when you know you are right. You were right to insist on the car. I wish you all the best. My mum seemed to deteriorate quickly in her 80s but we later found out the neighbours had much earlier insight than we did.

Mattsmum2 - just wanted to say, what a good daughter you are. All the rest has been said by Babs and Oldfrill

It is good that you are concerned about her.

She is probably better on her own patch so what you saw of her when she was with you is probably not typical.

It sounds as though she has an active and interesting life when she is at home and this is a huge plus - and it is understandable that she is reluctant to lose any of this and become a "patient" or a cared-for person. She wants to hang onto her role in life as long as possible. And she is relatively young to be adopting the sick role - she will resist this I am sure.

She is more frail, she is shuffling a bit, neither are such a big deal.

You "want her around for a long time", but what does she want? It is possible that she is happy to contemplate a shorter life, but a life that has some quality, that is filled with the things that matter to her: her independence, her work in the charity shop, her social life.

I think you should stand back a bit. Tell her you love her and want the best for her, but let her make her own decisions within her own limitations. Maybe stop insisting that she does X,Y Z so that she finishes up having to "give in." Maybe believe her when she tells you what she has eaten - or better still don't ask at all!

She may be on the brink of a deterioration but it does sound as though nothing is very serious at present. Let her have her independence and dignity as long as possible. Sometimes we can care too much.

I agree with all the replies so far but would add, with regard to Mattsmum2s brother, never underestimate the power of denial ( this is from my own experience)

Regarding 'shuffling'. In the elderly, and 80+ is elderly, falls are common. It takes one fall and an elderly person's life is upside down (sorry no pun intended). An elderly person needs to avoid hospitalisation as much as they can as they will invariably lose muscle mass and be discharged weaker than when they were admitted. Gaining back their muscle, confidence and fitness is incredibly hard and often their previous independence is lost forever.

It is so frustrating isnt it?

I might be inclined to stand back a bit as well.
See what happens.

Trouble is, we then have to pick up the pieces.

Yes, sometimes it takes a fall, a serious infection or something similar for someone to realise they need more help, or for them to get offered it.

It would seem there isn't much else you can do but accept everone gets old, it will happen to you too.

As others have said your mum sounds a real inspiration but also a very lucky woman. Let her live the life she wants for now, but it is important not to blame youself if and when something happens to make her reassess her life.

You seem a very loving and practical family. You have had some sound advice here. Remember to take care of youself too and feel proud of what you do for your mum.

I wise you both more healthy days ahead.

Agree with above, especially the stepping back a bit. I am 2 hours away from mum and my brother lives abroad, visiting maybe once a year.

My mum is also an active person, now 90. Some things have had to change and we found suggestions were received better if they came from a third party.
So I had conversations with various friends before they were going to meet up with mum. The report back was interesting… one ‘went on at length’ about her wonderful weekly cleaner. A few weeks later the lady happened to have an hour to spare and the friend asked if mum would like to try her out. She is now a ‘treasure’.
Another friend talked about her ready meal food deliveries, and another about her gardener. Both these fell on deaf ears, but the seed is sown that other people do this and it’s fine.

We are very gently talking about a sheltered housing place with a 24 hr warden. Again a friend who has lived there has been talking about how she enjoyed it because it was so close to the library. Just setting a positive mind set.

It’s a tricky tight rope to walk for sure! Mum is one of the world’s most accomplished procrastinators so I am becoming expert at biting my tongue!

If your mum has the means but refuses private help or consultation there is nothing you can do so long as she has capacity. Older people can be very stubborn - I am myself and just passed my 80th birthday. Your mother obviously does not wish to lose her independence (eg driving) and all that means to her.

Lixy is right. Gentle suggestions are the way forward. My Mum was exactly as the OP describes but we could see that she was not keeping her house clean nor eating properly. Slowly we arranged various things - such as a cleaner twice a week. This lady had my phone number and did ring me on a couple of occasions with concerns. Then we arranged deliveries of frozen meals and an emergency pendant. Nobody wants to admit to being old and incapable but there really is a lot of help out there to enable people to stay in their homes for longer. As Mum got older still, we were able to contact an NHS matron who called to see Mum whenever we asked her to. Just like the old District Nurse.

Firstly I wondered if her confusion could be due to a UTI especially if she is having urinary problems? Could she take an early morning sample to the surgery for testing?

If the confusion is not a temporary thing and does worsen, you may need to investigate the possibility that she may not be fit to drive. A difficult decision and would need to be handled carefully but better safe than sorry.

It is very difficult when you live some distance away, I know.

I'd agree that you are doing so much for your mum. I wonder if you could contact the surgery and see what services are available - nurses are very often more practical than doctors about knowing what services are available locally and having the skills to help people use them appropriately.
good luck

Thank you all for your wise words. Thankfully mum got home today without drama using the taxi. She’s already done a urine test which she is waiting for he results, she’s had a UTI earlier this year where she lost a lot of weight and wasn’t eating properly. Antibiotics helped but I think her lack of wee flow is concerning. My brother and I have a letter of authority with her GP surgery so that we can get information when we need it. We also have finance and health PoA. She seems to have become distant from her best friend. I asked her why and she says she doesn’t know. Two years ago we all went on holiday to Tenerife and I thought it was all ok. I am planning to see her again before Christmas so will see how she is. I agree about stepping back a little but it’s hard and I can’t bear to see her getting more frail. I also fear she will hurt herself or others if her driving gets worse. My mum used to be a district nurse so that has its own challenges as she knows best. Thank you all again for your comments, let’s hope I can allow her to gracefully go though this stage in her life.

I'm in absolute agreement with Luckygirl. I'm 79, making a good recovery from major surgery for colon cancer, thanks partly to the unstinting care of DS and DD, who stayed with me while "working from home" until private carers were arranged. I am just getting the house back after the alterations they made to keep me safe while I was ill.
My AC are concerned for me, I know. DD lives 100s of miles away. But my choice is to go on living in the home I shared with my late DH, with friends and neighbours nearby. Soon, I hope to be taking up my volunteer role again.
I hope my AC will understand that I need to go on being my own independent person for as long as may be