Dilemma on whether to buy G/C birthday and Christmas presents.

I would carry on buying presents for the GC - maybe vouchers, then you can post them (or even get them sent direct) to avoid the 'presents under the tree' scenario. It's not the children's fault that their parents are so uncaring. As far as the adults are concerned, I know it's difficult, but I think you have to accept that they are uncaring, not ask them for help or even have much contact. It's heartbreaking, but so is reaching out and being ignored.

Are there are neighbours who can help in situations like your husband being in hospital? I don't know how old you are, but Age UK may have some sort of befriending service, or there may be a local organisation. Might be worth asking at your GPs surgery. They should know what's around in your area.

Good luck.

Cannot believe how cruel and thoughtless your adult children are I'm truly shocked at their attitude. But Grandchildren are SO important to their Grandparents. Can't offer any advice but there are some good suggestions on here

eazybee

The problem seems to be with your son and daughter. Their treatment of you is not kind and their attitude towards you casual in the extreme. Will they come to your house on a specific day near to Christmas if you invite them? I would continue with presents for the grandchildren as it seems their attitude is governed by their parents, but no harm in inviting the 13 year old to visit by herself occasionally.

You are correct bold eazybee it's my son and daughter that are the problem. I have ordered gifts for the G/C and I'll make sure they get them somehow .
What I'm finding really hard is the attitude of my daughter towards me . I've always been there for her when she's needed me but on the odd occasion I need help she's told me she doesn't want to know and I'll have to manage. ( For instance hubby was admitted to hospital and I didn't have any food in , I'm on a restricted diet but she wouldn't go to the supermarket for me so I had to live on toast for 4 days until hubby came out of hospital..
Son couldn't help either because he was too busy at work .
( He has his own business) I've always been a good mother , here for them all the time as you would expect a good parent to be . Now my health is very poor they don't want to know when I'm struggling.
I love them so much and am proud of all they have achieved, just wish they had some compassion !

Nice idea that Shysal

Have you told your children how you feel? Not in an accusatory way but just that your life is limited by your lack of mobility and you miss them and wish you could see them more often? Do they really understand your mobility limits?

Do they call round on your birthday?

I would still buy your GC presents but keep them until they show up. So sorry for your health problems and the indifference with which your AC seem to treat you

I would just buy them something tiny - that way you are still making an effort but not feeling resentful. They sound extremely selfish. My friend had a similar issue and did what I've suggested (got the idea from her!) However a young couple moved in next door who have since had two children. They have become her surrogate GC's and pop in all the time!

Me too.
I certainly wouldn't buy in case I got scolded for not doing so.
I'm not a child that needs telling off.

I would tell them all to bugger off and get on with your life.

Don't 'hope' they will pop in. Give them a couple of definite days and ask them to come round. If they can't make those days, give them alternative days / times and be persistent. Kids have lots of out of school activities nowadays and parents are over busy with work and driving children to their activities. Ask your grandchildren to come round to make some hand made cards with you.... and if you are artistic, do arty things together. Or if you are able, bake with them or oversee them cooking dinner to take home for their busy parents.

We are estranged from our granddaughter who is an adult, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love her and always sent birthday and Christmas presents hoping things will change one day.

Oh for goodness sake buy them gifts. Maybe if you do not their parents will scold you. Cover your own back.

Buy them and keep them there until they visit. just let them know that you can't visit them and the presents are there. Or if it's difficult then visiting and the atmosphere isn't good send them gift vouchers in the post.
You will have done your "bit" then.

Perhaps you could donate to a charity who will send a card to your nominated people telling them who will benefit. Smile Train, who operate on children with cleft palates, tell you the cost of each operation, so that the recipient of your 'present' knows how many procedures or fractions of them they have supported. I am thinking of doing this for some relatives who never bother to contact me or thank me for presents.

Nanato3 - I fully understand how you feel. You will basically be punishing your GC, for your children’s perceived indifference. The parents should make sure the GC visit the GPs. As we get older, we get more sensitive. I know I do. My 3 AC and their families live in the same town. I don’t see them as often as I’d like. They are in school during the week, and weekends are taken up with sports, music lessons, birthday parties etc
Sorry to hear about your health issues - can’t be easy.
All being said, if I were you, I will continue to give them Xmas gifts.

We'd continue with presents.

The problem seems to be with your son and daughter. Their treatment of you is not kind and their attitude towards you casual in the extreme. Will they come to your house on a specific day near to Christmas if you invite them? I would continue with presents for the grandchildren as it seems their attitude is governed by their parents, but no harm in inviting the 13 year old to visit by herself occasionally.

Try not to take it to heart too much. Many children around that age aren't really interested in visiting GPs. I very well remember being that age myself, and whilst I loved my GPs dearly, I really did find visiting them boring, when I could be doing lots more interesting things, or seeing my friends. It doesn't mean they don't love you, it's just a stage they go through. I clearly remember, when I was a bit older, my dad having words with me because I didn't visit my GPs, and he said I should be ashamed of myself! Of course, when I was older, I realised and regretted that I hadn't visited them as often as I should. But when we're young, we don't think about things like that.

I'm sure your GC would be feel upset/disappointed if they didn't receive a gift from you. All children like to know they're loved and thought about (and us oldies too, but it doesn't always happen!). So, I'd still go ahead and buy them something. Tell mum & dad you'd appreciate if they could pop over with the kids for the gifts BEFORE Christmas (and birthdays) ... tell them you understand they're always busy on Christmas day, and naturally you're disappointed that you're unable to see them, so you'd very much appreciate them popping in before the day as you don't want the gifts stuck under the tree until after the event. That's really not too much to ask, especially when they only live 5 mins away!

Why not ask your granddaughter to call in on a Saturday in December for her Christmas spending money. That way hopefully Christmas Day will have less expectation/disappointment. You could also have a box of sweets wrapped just in case the family pops round close to Christmas.
For the smaller children, could you organise the family to drop in a few days before Christmas for a hot chocolate and cake and collect their gifts.
Maybe you could buy these gifts along with a grocery order if you have one delivered.

If you don't want to get presents, a card is a good way of pulling back a little while still showing you have remembered them. I can imagine it feels awful and you feel used thinking they just come around for their presents.

@Nanato3
Am so sorry, I can feel how sad this makes you in the way you have expressed yourself.
Clearly your family needs to make a bit more effort considering that both yourself and your DH are in ill health/disabled.
Would buy presents but ring your ACs and ask if they can come over with your GCs to pick the presents up, just tell them how much you miss seeing them and could really do with cheering up. No guilt trips just the truth, and make sure they arrange a date and time.
Even if your 13 year old is distracted am sure she can manage an hour or so with her grandparents, but don’t take her behaviour personally they all get distracted at that age.
I really hope you sort this out.
Sending hugs 🤗

Thanks all for your replies. We do have a car but I'm in severe pain 24/7 and struggle to leave the house. I can't drive and hubby doesn't want to due to his pain which is now causing him depression.
Hopefully we will sort something out , my family are everything to me .

valdavi

I would buy presents, but it is difficult when you don't see them & hear about them, to know what they would like. I can understand why you feel that it's not worth bothering as it does seem sad that your son & daughter don't see you more often as you live so close & you're housebound. I just don't see how not buying the grandchildren presents will make you feel any better or improve the situation in the long run. Could your hubby take them round with a message from you & an invite for them to pop round to see you?

My son and daughter both know that my door is always open to them and daughter and G/D always come round on their birthdays knowing I will have presents and an handmade card waiting for them but rarely call any other time. I hardly ever see my son or G/S's and last
Christmas my son was told by his partner that myself and hubby weren't allowed to see the children on Christmas day because I couldn't get to their house . They spend every Christmas holiday round at son's partners family and most days of the rest of the year too. I didn't recieve a card or even a phone call from son and family on my birthday . I so missed the Nana card . I love my G/C dearly and I'm finding it all so upsetting.
Apart from hubby I never speak or see anyone for months at a time , both my children know this but don't seem to care . I know that they have their own lives to live but myself and hubby feel so unwanted because of our poor health , which we didn't choose to have .
I will buy presents as usual and hope my grandsons will be allowed to come round for them .
Thanks for your advice valdavi , appreciate your reply.

What to do, you can’t say ‘visit or I won’t buy you a present’?
Be the better person, I’d ask both parents for suggestions about gifts and give them with love.