Dilemma on whether to buy G/C birthday and Christmas presents.

I to am in pain a lot, but don’t talk about it, always ask how they are. With pain killers, mobility aids you almost always get out. Enquire about them, ask what they have been doing, buy your 13 yr old a treat when she comes round. Send them a whats app message and tell the odd joke, make seeing you fun. Ask their interests and of course buy them Christmas and birthdays presents, you can stop at 21 if you want. I don't see mine often as they are grown up but will continue to buy them until i go. They mean the world to me.

"When I do see my little G/S's they chatter away to us none stop ! Myself and hubby are never doom and gloom, we always put on brave faces and perhaps that's the problem, we hide our health issues . The boys love seeing us and don't want to go home , they know they are loved, I tell them every time I see them". The answer has been given to you and you didn't realize it. Those little grandson's are worth every effort! It is a shame your son and daughter in law are so uncaring and your adult daughter as well. It is completely their fault and if you were to punish the grandkids for what the parents do to you, you would just be handing them yet another reason to shun you and perhaps convince the grandkids not to bother at all with you, or that you are a bad grandparent.

No, if the grandkids show you love, give it back. They will always remember going to grandma and grandpas house, the gifts, the love you show, perhaps a nice meal, some treats, etc. the whole wonderful experience. Don't let your selfish adult children ruin what you have in those grandkids. Enjoy and spoil them, they grow up so fast.

win

62Granny

I don't want to sound unkind, but you need to be proactive in this and take the bull by the horns.
Arrange a day either a few days before or after for everyone to visit. E.g the Sunday before or boxing day. Say you are having a special tea and you would like everyone to attend and they can have their Xmas gifts then. Give them plenty of notice of the date so nothing else is arranged on that day.
When they come do you engage with them ,ask them about school , their friends, hobbies, try and listen to their answers ready for next time. Tell them about what you used to do with their parents when they were little. Try and not be too doom and gloom make sure your husband is on board with the arrangements .
It can't be very nice for them when they visit if all they see is two people who have been stuck in the house because they are in pain and depressed.
Sort your pain medication and management out with your GP. Get your husband to sort his depression out with his doctor. You want things to change, make it. Hopefully everyone enjoys and it can become a thing at other times throughout the year.

This is my take own the situation. There are loads of us who are in constant severe pain, but you cannot let that stop you living to a degree. It affects everything we do, but we do it with the help of strong medication. It makes us drowsy and we hate taking it, but we do so we can have the best life possible.
You children probably do not visit because I would imagine that is all you talk about, they may have had enough of it all. I am not saying I agree with their take, but I do agree that YOU and YOUR HUSBAND need to be proactive with your own health, your own shopping (on line shopping/home deliveries) you can use the phone for that and with your visits between the families. Once the children and grandchildren realise you are doing something about the situation, I am sure they will too.

You have a totally wrong take on the situation.
Always have done our own shopping , never ask for help with anything except on the odd occasion that hubby has been hospitalised and I have nothing in that I can eat .
( I'm on a very restricted diet and need fresh food getting ) I am on the strongest medications that GP can prescribe but still in severe pain but rarely talk to my A/C about it . I always ask my A/C about their lives and speak to my G/C about what they have been doing, ask them about their friends etc . No self pity here .
So my children know we do everything on our own without asking for help from anyone. I have hobbies that help pass the time , I make handmade greeting cards , do jigsaw puzzles , I love a good book to read and make crystal art pictures. The problem is I'm housebound but my A/C can't accept this .

Do you text the family, do you phone them, do you make contact at all, you are on line, so you can what's App, Skype or whatever you prefer, the children will be on their phones all the time, so will chat to you on there too.

62Granny

I don't want to sound unkind, but you need to be proactive in this and take the bull by the horns.
Arrange a day either a few days before or after for everyone to visit. E.g the Sunday before or boxing day. Say you are having a special tea and you would like everyone to attend and they can have their Xmas gifts then. Give them plenty of notice of the date so nothing else is arranged on that day.
When they come do you engage with them ,ask them about school , their friends, hobbies, try and listen to their answers ready for next time. Tell them about what you used to do with their parents when they were little. Try and not be too doom and gloom make sure your husband is on board with the arrangements .
It can't be very nice for them when they visit if all they see is two people who have been stuck in the house because they are in pain and depressed.
Sort your pain medication and management out with your GP. Get your husband to sort his depression out with his doctor. You want things to change, make it. Hopefully everyone enjoys and it can become a thing at other times throughout the year.

This is my take own the situation. There are loads of us who are in constant severe pain, but you cannot let that stop you living to a degree. It affects everything we do, but we do it with the help of strong medication. It makes us drowsy and we hate taking it, but we do so we can have the best life possible.
You children probably do not visit because I would imagine that is all you talk about, they may have had enough of it all. I am not saying I agree with their take, but I do agree that YOU and YOUR HUSBAND need to be proactive with your own health, your own shopping (on line shopping/home deliveries) you can use the phone for that and with your visits between the families. Once the children and grandchildren realise you are doing something about the situation, I am sure they will too.

Good decision IMO. I’m sure you won’t regret it.

Sometimes whatever you do never makes things right in families.

I used to work with a lady whose daughter fell out with her and her husband over something financial. Every birthday and Christmas she sent her gifts and cards and wrote to her several times asking if they could be friends again.

The daughter never replied. Her own daughter got married and the grandparents were not invited. She went on to have 3 babies, 3 christenings, lots of family events none of which the parents were invited to despite living just 5 miles away.
The Grandma was heartbroken, her husband just said forget about it as they’d done all they could.

15 years they did not see each other or speak on the phone but she still carried on sending gifts and cards. It was really hard as we live in a rural area where everybody knew about their new babies arriving etc.

The daughter only went to see her Mum on her deathbed in hospital because she thought there might be something in it for her. I still don’t know how her daughter can sleep at night.

Sounds like a great approach Nanato3. Good job.

Thank you all for your replies
I have made some lovely cards for my A/C and my G/C and ordered some gifts from Amazon.
I will focus on making a nice day for hubby and myself.

Fae1

Your post is full of self pity. Try - as Jaxjacky advised - to be the better person here and get on with YOUR life.

That's the problem with the written word , you can't always tell how it's meant . I've never been a " person to waste time on self pity " . What I have learnt is if I'm not sure how a post is meant I always try to be kind in my replies or not answer if I haven't got any advice.

I would certainly buy little gifts for your grandchildren, it is their parent's behaviour that is the problem. Do you still manage to drive your car? If not why not sell it and use the money you save from running it to get a taxi if that would enable you to get out. Our GP runs a pain clinic, I don't know if there is anything like that near you that might help?

I’m so sorry for the way your ac are treating you and your DH . Your last sentence says it all . Your AC either can’t or won’t accept your ill health. Perhaps because you do put a brave face on, they don’t realise the extent of your health. Do you have a family member, sibling or cousin or a close friend who could tell them your health issues? Or contact AgeUK for help , maybe carers , attendance allowance, blue badge, this could bring it home to them .
I would buy presents and cards for the GC and maybe arrange a Sunday tea to get together.
I’m my mothers carer and personally I think your DDs behaviour when your DH was in hospital is appalling.
You don’t leave your mother without food .
Also do you have a wheelchair? It would help you get out more .

I would buy them presents and invite them to come in around Christmas time to see you. I do feel for you. Our AC can be so uncaring at times and it is so hard because you are housebound.

Sending a hug to you.

62Granny

I don't want to sound unkind, but you need to be proactive in this and take the bull by the horns.
Arrange a day either a few days before or after for everyone to visit. E.g the Sunday before or boxing day. Say you are having a special tea and you would like everyone to attend and they can have their Xmas gifts then. Give them plenty of notice of the date so nothing else is arranged on that day.
When they come do you engage with them ,ask them about school , their friends, hobbies, try and listen to their answers ready for next time. Tell them about what you used to do with their parents when they were little. Try and not be too doom and gloom make sure your husband is on board with the arrangements .
It can't be very nice for them when they visit if all they see is two people who have been stuck in the house because they are in pain and depressed.
Sort your pain medication and management out with your GP. Get your husband to sort his depression out with his doctor. You want things to change, make it. Hopefully everyone enjoys and it can become a thing at other times throughout the year.

When I do see my little G/S's they chatter away to us none stop ! Myself and hubby are never doom and gloom, we always put on brave faces and perhaps that's the problem, we hide our health issues . The boys love seeing us and don't want to go home , they know they are loved, I tell them every time I see them . I Think the A/C can't accept the fact that they have parents in poor health .

Yes it is a difficult situation and as always there is lots of good advice on here. If the relationship with your Children has deteriorated since you became housebound then that is very sad. Only you know how things have been between you all over the years but it does sound as though this has been a long ongoing problem not perhaps directly related to you health issues. My advice would be to concentrate on yours and your Husband's health whilst keeping the door open to your family. Make sure you get help appropriate to your needs (try Age UK). Work out what you need is it help with shopping, cooking, housework, bathing. If you can get in and out of a car look for a local club or coffee morning that you could go to together. It will get you out of the house and give opportunities to meet people. Yes of course family is important but so are you and your Husband concentrate on yourselves and find some support. Best wishes.

Polremy

Do they call round on your birthday?

On my last birthday daughter and G/D called in and stayed about 1 hour which was lovely
But I never saw my son or G/S's.
No card just a text , it was on a Sunday so not a work day.

Could you do them a fun stocking to have at your house? A satsuma in the toe. A chocolate Santa and a comic or a magazine rolled up and slid in. Some bubble bath maybe or some lip balm.
Then tell them a Christmas stocking is at your house too for Christmas Day!

I gave the g'kids presents [or gift certificates or cheques] until they were 18.... some thanked me and some didn't.

How they behave or how often they come over is the fault of their parents.

Hi, I have siblings like your AC so have some understanding of the hurt their behaviour impacts you. I wouldn't ‘punish’ your grandchildren for their parents selfishness so I would continue to give a card and a gift, but probably a small one. This way they will know you care about them. One day, they may make their own decision about visiting you and realise how selfish their parents have been. Make any visit happy, never moan (especially about their parents) and let them know they are always welcome.

What I would do is consider whether I would leave any inheritance to my children. I’d pass it straight to the grandchildren, especially given the comments of your daughter and actions of your DIL. Spell it out in the Will so they won’t win should they contest it.

I agree with others - get on and live your life. Any contact will your family will then just be a bonus. My heart feels for you. 💐

I don't want to sound unkind, but you need to be proactive in this and take the bull by the horns.
Arrange a day either a few days before or after for everyone to visit. E.g the Sunday before or boxing day. Say you are having a special tea and you would like everyone to attend and they can have their Xmas gifts then. Give them plenty of notice of the date so nothing else is arranged on that day.
When they come do you engage with them ,ask them about school , their friends, hobbies, try and listen to their answers ready for next time. Tell them about what you used to do with their parents when they were little. Try and not be too doom and gloom make sure your husband is on board with the arrangements .
It can't be very nice for them when they visit if all they see is two people who have been stuck in the house because they are in pain and depressed.
Sort your pain medication and management out with your GP. Get your husband to sort his depression out with his doctor. You want things to change, make it. Hopefully everyone enjoys and it can become a thing at other times throughout the year.

Many of us , have children, that found us very useful when they needed our help, baby sitting etc. Now that the grandchildren are older, many grandparents are not included any more, in their family life. I personally never EXPECT my family, to do anything for me, therefore I don't feel disappointed. If family want to make contact, that's great, if they don't, I accept this too. I am very lucky to have a wonderful husband, and we are grateful for every day we share together with our doggies and cats( which never let us down)!

I really do think that you should invite your children round together and tell them what their behaviour is doing to you ,.
then give them a date/dates when they could bring the grandchildren round . I do wonder if your son knows how distressing his sister's behaviour is and vice versa. I'm so sorry you have this problem.

Your post is full of self pity. Try - as Jaxjacky advised - to be the better person here and get on with YOUR life.

I agree with GreyHairedWarrior. Tell your son and daughter how you feel and ask if there is any reason why they don't visit. Obviously not in an accusatory way.
I would still buy presents which are an expression of your love for them. Maybe the children don't like or already have what you give. I always ask for ideas as I don't see much of them. Good luck.

you should still buy them presents but as you do not know what they like, maybe buy each one a gift card and send it with a christmas card, you can do the same for birthdays. why not ask you adult children to facetime you or talk to them online. have you tried to explain how hurt and left out you feel because of your disabilty. i hope you are your husband have a good christmas.