How would you deal with this…..

Retroladywriting

I wonder how the prospective new wife feels about their marriage being kept secret from his children ...

I wonder if it's her idea?

I wonder why he's told you, why tell anyone - maybe he's expecting you to fill in the gaps and pick up the pieces when the news breaks. He's obviously not expecting anyone to like the idea but hey once it's done it's done. Getting 50/50 shared care and then seemingly caring so little about how the teen children will respond is care-less. Sounds like a very manipulative immature person on the face of it but we've only heard about a snapshot of their lives. No doubt if the sh*t hits the fan you'll end up doing his 50% of the shared care & him & new wife will be free of any commitments because he'll have alienated all his existing family. That's worst case scenario.

I would do my utmost to persuade my son to either tell his children or to put of the wedding until he feels he can tell them. There must be an underlying reason why he doesn't want to tell them and it won't be a good one.

As with all the other posters I think his deception is a major, MAJOR, mistake. The two children are hardly children and probably consider themselves as almost adults - I know I did by the time I was 13 and one of yours is almost marriageable age themself!

I also agree that you should refuse to attend unless he tells the children AND invites them to the wedding after telling them that they will be the most important guests. Fine if they don't want to go, but it then leaves your free to attend yourself if you wish - without sneaking there unbeknowns to them. Doing so might even show them that you approve of him seeking new happiness as everyone is entitled to in life.

It all seems to be happening too quickly for the good of the children, but they must definitely be told. They deserve that at least.

If he goes ahead without telling them he is deceiving them. That sort of thing is very much despised by young teenagers, and it won't bode well for their opinion of him when they find out.

Anyway, it sounds from what you say that the children have coped pretty well with it all so far, so it seems they are more mature than he is giving them credit for.

Believe me, the future will not be rosy if he insists on keeping them in the dark.

I also agree that he needs to realise that if he does not get a new will, his new wife will inherit all his assets on death and thereafter they will have no entitlement to anything from her when she dies.

In your place, I would decline the wedding invitation and tell my son clearly that much as I accept he is in love and wishes to marry this woman, and I am happy for him and hope to meet her, but I cannot accept that he is not at least telling his teenage children of his decision. So I would not attend and at least be able to tell my grandchildren that I did not approve of their father's not telling them, he was getting married again.

Is he really intending to march into the house with his new wife and blithely say, "Hi kids, NN and I got married this morning"?

He and his new wife may well be hurt or offended if you follow my suggestion, but if you go to the wedding your grandchildren will feel betrayed by you, as well as by their father. I would not want to risk that.

OmG.is your son for real,? Feel sorry for children and you in this absurd stupid situation you are in

Spot on easybee, If the sons children are becoming acceptive of the girlfriend they should all give it more time. Where’s the rush? The son is showing a great disregard for his children which is to his shame. Could it be that the girlfriend is the instigator of this situation for her own benefit? Also as one other comment suggests the notion that ‘ Children are very adaptable’ makes my blood boil the pain of being estranged from one’s biological parents never goes away. Granny your son is weak time to make him take responsibility and man up!
I applaud you for your concern for your grandchildren please don’t be complicit in your son’s plans. Whatever the reason for the divorce/re-marriage the grandchildren will need you more than ever to be their anchor. I wish you all well.

Where will his new wife live when they are married? If they share childcare 50/50 won't the children find it rather odd to suddenly have someone sharing the house with them.. He's being very short sighted not getting his children on board... if they were properly included they might just accept her..

You DS needs to tell his children and include them or he risks losing them. Why wouldn't he?!

I wonder how the prospective new wife feels about their marriage being kept secret from his children ...

Retread

I would gently point out to my son that he might later, regret not having included the children, as it will come out that he has married is girlfriend. What I mean is - he may regret the message that is being sent by excluding them from this happy occasion.

I don't think I'd tell him 'gently'. I think I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that getting married behind his children's backs is plain wrong. What does he plan - to do the deed while they're at school and they arrive home to the new situation? They may not be happy with the prospect of him getting married, but they're going to have to know at some point surely, so why not be honest about it and give them time to live with the realities of having a stepmother?

I would tell my son that I will not attend the wedding unless his children are told. He seems spineless

I agree with those who say the remarriage may be too soon, why the rush? If his children have only just become reconciled to the new woman then it's common sense to let the present situation continue to improve until the children are happier and more accustomed to this.
They've been through a major upheaval already and will feel justifiably (imo) upset if this marriage goes ahead so soon and then takes place behind their backs! They'll find out sooner or later, far better they are told about it from the beginning and not on the grapevine.

What a horrible, selfish father those poor boys have. If I were the grandma I definitely wouldn’t go to the wedding, it would show that I approved of the deceit and I would feel so disloyal to the grandchildren and be unable to enjoy the day.
On a practical note won’t there be new clothes around the house, cards and won’t the new love have a ring ? At the boys age, they don’t miss a thing and will surely know if not already then very, very soon.
If I was the boys mum I would attempt to get full custody as the very new ex is behaving in a cruel and dishonest way, it seems that he doesn’t consider or respect his children's feelings.
I feel so sorry for you too being in this situation,

If he has truly 50/50 custody how does he expect to keep this secret?

I actually think that it's seriouslyweird not telling his teenage children that he's remarrying.
Only the OP can decide what she wants to do, but I wouldn't attend the wedding if he wasn't prepared to tell the children first.
I'd go once he'd told them; possibly they wouldn't like it but I'd consider that to be my son's and his new wife's problem.

He should tell the children, they will learn from someone else or worse still outside the family. What the dickens is the matter with him?

I agree with everything that •CocoPops* says, he’s marrying too quickly and he should give it all more thought. Why rush like this?

No. And no. And another no for good measure. The children have met this other woman, so they assume, albeit subconsciously, that they might eventually marry, she and their father. But when they find out it's a fait accompli, they will hate them. Frankly, going to the wedding means you support this pathetic, obscene, idiocy. Are you sure that it's not the woman speeding up things?

Gosh those poor children. They will find out that they were deceived, they may or may not forgive it, but they will never forget. Absolutely dreadful treatment of the very people who should be your son’s priority.

On a very unromantic but practical note, he's possibly disinherited them as a new wife will get everything if he was unlucky enough to die unless he's written a new will. I think they need to know and be told what provision will be made for them should something awful like that happen. It's a legal change with huge implications for them in the future.

In this life you reap what you sow.
He is deliberately excluding his children from this very important part of his life, he can hardly blame them if, in the future, they do exactly the same to him.
Lies beget more lies.

Wow I do sometimes feel I am getting old and not always in touch with the modern world and how people think and behave any more.
But the examples here of people getting married without telling their children I am finding absolutely incredibly sad and wrong headed. I’m sorry if that seems disapproving, I know nowadays you are not really allowed to disapprove of other people’s behaviour. I just can’t understand how anyone could decide to approach it that way.

Apart from mentioning that the mother and father share the parenting 50/50, you don't bring the children's mother into the equation at all. Do you have a good relationship with her and how is she getting on after the divorce? I was left in a similar position almost 40 years ago with the difference that there were no grandparents involved. I had to help the boys (12 and 14) to pick up the pieces of their lives It wasn't easy for them or for me and, in many ways, it took time. Luckily their father didn't marry the 'other woman' for a year or so, and they got to know her - and never 'clicked' with her. So, any advice I might have given would probably be irrelevant to your family's situation unless their mother is 'on board'. I wonder how much she knows about her ex's plans.

1. I think this marriage is too soon after divorce. On the rebound maybe?
2. I think your GC need much more time to get used to the idea of their Dad having a girlfriend.
3. If/ when the children accept this new relationship, then they should be invited and involved in the wedding.
4. If you attend the secret wedding " behind the children's backs" the children will surely find it deceitful...