How would you deal with this…..

Caleo

I am sorry for your ex daughter in law. She's hardly even 'ex' when she shares parenting with your son!

His responsibility is to the children and their mother, not to the new love. He ought not to be remarrying. He simply could have an affair as so many others do. He already has plenty of people to be responsible for.
No wonder if he feels too guilty to tell his children.

Caleo,

It is hardly an affair if he is divorced & the other person is single . Just saying .

Oh dear what a situation to be in . I’m sorry but your DS really has no backbone if he is willing to hide this fact .
How does he think they will respond when they do find out !
Lots of questions here , hiding the wedding / marriage is awful .
Do you think you should maybe say that you will not attend ,aren’t happy to attend in this particular situation ?
Also what message does it send to the children .
And where does the new woman come in on this ? Surely if she had morals she would insist that they tell the children especially due to the fact that they have taken a while to adjust to the divorce etc .
Has she children ?
Why like others have said the hurry ?
Is she pregnant ?
It’s all very bizzare indeed .

I haven’t seen my only grandchild for six months. Will he remember me . Thank you .

MeowWow

My son is recently divorced (separated for 18 months). When he moved into his own place his two children (15 and 13) had a difficult time adjusting- he shares parenting 50/50 with his ex. My son has met another woman and they are madly in love and want to marry. Just as the children started to get used to their new living arrangements my son told them he had met someone else. They were not happy about it but having met her they sort of now accept it. He has not told them he is engaged. The dilemma I am facing now is that my son will be marrying his new fiancé in a weeks time and he’s not telling his children because he knows they will be devastated. He’s invited me to the ceremony and wants me to say nothing to my grandchildren either. I can’t bear the thought of keeping something like this from my grandchildren. I don’t understand the rush to get married or why he feels it’s right to not tell his two children. How would you handle this situation?

Your grandchildren might feel betrayed that their own grandmother kept this from them

FWIW I think you made the right decision Meow. I hope when the time comes your GC are OK with what's happened and I'm sure that having you for a GM will help.

Thank you for getting back to us, Meow. So many OPs leave us hanging. Glad you're not going to the wedding. The kids are lucky to have you around to bring a bit of normality to their lives.

Good decision Meow. I hope things are ok

I am sorry for your ex daughter in law. She's hardly even 'ex' when she shares parenting with your son!

His responsibility is to the children and their mother, not to the new love. He ought not to be remarrying. He simply could have an affair as so many others do. He already has plenty of people to be responsible for.
No wonder if he feels too guilty to tell his children.

Wise and brave Meow
I hope you can explain one day to the grandchildren and the fiancée the pickle you had been put in

Is it a big wedding or just a quiet do ?
How very sad all round

very wise Meow.. thank goodness your GC have you in their lives..

That is a wise choice Meow. Thanks for coming back to us.

Thank you all, for your replies. I have told my son that not telling his two children that he’s marrying is wrong and I don’t want to lie to my grandchildren. He understands and I am now not going to the ceremony. I also asked him how his fiancé feels about him saying nothing to his children and his reply was “she’s leaving it up to him to decide”. As I can’t do or say anything to change my son’s mind I just have to accept his decision and let him get on with his life. There’s a lot more to this saga but I can’t go into it right now. I’m just very thankful to all of you for taking the time to share your views.

Wow I really feel for you in this dilemma.

What I can't figure is you say your GC have met this woman and they now 'accept' her whatever that means.

I have a few questions:

Does this woman have childrent too?
Doe she presently live with your son?
If not then is she planning to move in after the wedding, this will impact on the GC too.
Are they planning to live apart? If so why are they getting married?
There is so much here I don't get.
One thing is for sure- I would not attend the wedding even though the consequences for you could be quite serious.
Sometimes those boundaries have to be upheld- your son is using you and I would have nothing to do with it.

He is wrong not to tell them. He and his new partner should have included them in the ceremony, making them ‘bestmen’. I feel his decision not to tell them will go against him and his new wife in the future. They are not children they are teenagers and old enough to understand.

where are you MeowWow

So according to the original post the wedding is TOMORROW
what did you decide Meow are you going to come back and tell us or was this just a ‘pull em in and leave ‘em wondering’ type of thread

i would not go to his wedding under those circumstances

I am a straight talker with my son and would tell him that I think he is being selfish and cruel.I would advise him to not only discuss this with them but actively encourage them to be involved. I would definitely not attend the wedding or want to have any part of it. His children deserve better treatment than this they have feelings too and will probably never get over such deceit. He is not a lovesick teenager he is a grown man and needs to act accordingly.

It’s just wrong on so many levels to do something as significant as getting engaged and planning to marry whilst lying to his children. ‘Madly in love’ is such a juvenile dramatic way of describing their affair. Does the new wife to be have children?
These children are at vulnerable ages to be dealing with the end of their parents marriage. It’s positive they’re beginning to accept the girlfriend but that’s very different than expecting them to welcome her as a step mother.
OP in your shoes I’d be honest about how you feel. If they insist on this haste marriage, I don’t see how you can attend without colluding in the lies to two children who need stability and decency from their parents. He may find he isn’t sharing 5o-50 care of them if they de-camp to mums

Have you asked your son why the rush to get married ?
If he is sharing 50/50 custody I assume the children are living with him half the week so what does he think is going to happen in a “few weeks” when he gets married assuming the new wife will move in too ?
It’s short sighted and cruel to teenagers adjusting to a life upheaval.
As his Mum you need to have a frank conversation with him and spell out the grenade he is proposing to throw.

My parents did the same thing to my sister and myself , we were slightly older than your sons children , my mother told us she had married my stepfather the day after their wedding and my father did not tell us he had remarried for a month, we were both very upset and never really trusted either of our parents ever again, their excuses for not telling us was they did not want to upset us!!!

Oh dear. I fear they will never forgive him.
If they were babies or toddlers I could just about understand it but at 13 and 15! Has he no insight into what he is doing? They will blame her for sure but they will blame him more and I expect they won't want to live with him any more.
Perhaps that is what the new woman wants.

Oh dear. I am so sorry for this awful situation you find yourself in. Thrust right into the middle of the very likely fallout between your DS and DGC. Always, always children come should first and your son needs to recognise they will be very hurt to be downgraded to 2nd place. Not to say also disappointed, confused, belittled, and rejected. They will feel they are not good enough to be included in one of the most important family events in their fathers life. And the new woman will be happy with this? If so she is not setting herself up to have a good relationship with her new stepchildren. They will probably blame her for their fathers deceit. Your son needs to wake up and do the right thing. I do hope he does and it all works out for everyone

So Meow, have you decided what to do?

You said that he knows his children will be devastated, yet he is still going ahead. That speaks volumes.