Lazy daughter

I think you and your husband need to sit down with your daughter with a pen and paper and write down exactly what you all will do (and that includes your husband)
This shouldn’t have to be done it should all be done naturally but it’s not happening is it ? so you have to be more proactive
I think you just have to be a little bit tougher and stick to it
It doesn’t need rows it needs co operation and working together, easier said than done I know, but I believe that’s the only way forward
It’s just a shame you ve let it slide for 9 months which has given her the opportunity for her laziness to continue

What is this 'single mother's pension'?

Nanalea it’s hard that your dh isn’t fully onboard, is that because he just wants anything for a quiet life?
You both need to choose your moment and have a serious talk to your dd, decide beforehand what you want to get out of the conversation. You should be united.
The toys everywhere/trip risk would drive me mad too. Good luck 🤞

Assume its benefit not pension aveline . Poster obviously not uk based.

I assume that you look after the baby when she works? I agree with others that you should all sit down and draw up a timetable to cover everything that needs doing in the house and then split jobs equally between all three of you.. Why on earth are you doing 98% of the cooking and laundry? When do you get a life of your own?
and I would seriously start to help your DD to look for somewhere of her own to live..

But I have also been tired since I became a mother

How long is that? It must be very many years.
Perhaps it is time you saw a doctor about that, it doesn't sound right.

Did your dd help with housework when she was growing up?

Even if she didn't, I think you need to tell her that she is now an adult, living in someone else's house, and she needs to pull her weight as well as paying a proportion of costs.

Perhaps also make three lists entitled something like this:
Grandma's Jobs
Grandpa's Jobs
Daughter's Jobs

Make it clear to them both that help is expected of them. Not that you expect it or are asking for it but that it is expected.

The title of your post sums the situation up. 'My daughter is lazy.' She will continue to be as long as you allow it.
Clean clothes not put away? Dump on bed Soiled nappies? Dump on bed Doesn't cook? Cook enough for two only.
The threat of self-harming hangs over you so you are afraid to get tough with her, but she has a daughter she is responsible for and she needs some really straight talking, and a list of responsibilities.
What does she do when she is not working?

This is a fairly common problem according to my friends .
I think that your daughter is using emotional blackmail on you - upset me and I'll have a tantrum .
Her behaviour reminds me of my daughter in law's appalling laziness .
I may be an only child , but I certainly wasn't brought up to be spoilt .
I wasn't asked I was told .
Shopping , vacuuming , dusting and cooking were my chores .
Sometimes , I did the lawn as well .
My daughter in law is the laziest person that I've ever met -lazy to the point of being unhygienic and shameless in expecting other people to clean up after her .
Her mother doted on her and used to wait on her hand and foot even when dying from cancer .
My son works full time and comes home to a filthy house with no supper cooked .
He has to organise her to take their child to the doctor's or school .
He's exhausted and is incredibly bad tempered and sadly, blames me for not helping .
One relative did everything for them and has now moved away as it's too much .
Before your mental and physical health deterioate further -please read the riot act .
Having lit the blue paper - stand well back for the ensuing stormy reaction .
Good Luck !

Everything that has been said on here you must DO AND DO NOW. you are giving into emotional blackmail to your selfish daughter.

I feel for you..my daughter and her husband split 2 years ago. They both have very good jobs and had a beautiful home which was a tip! Long and short house got sold didnt make anything as it was only 1 yr old. She decided to rent a flat in the city..had got herself into mega debt. Now she's home.. She did set up DD I only ask for minimum as my mortgage was paid off long ago..about 5th of what she was paying so she could pay debts of sooner. Like you does nothing to help me her room ?? Other room has a lot if her furniture in it and rest is in storage. I at 69, on my own, head cook, cleaner gardener etc so I feel your pain. I too have arthritis, had 2 heart attacks and am diabetic...

I hate laziness she is taking the mickey out of you and as you have allowed it to go on she’s not going to change. Boundaries should have been put in place from the start, but surely out of respect for herself and you at the very least she should be pulling her weight. She doesn’t care she’s been doing what she wants to do for while. Good luck I feel as though you will need it

Aveline

What is this 'single mother's pension'?

American I think.

You need a break sweetheart. Pack a case, go away for a month (there will be plenty of deals this time of year) and enjoy some me-time. Read books, listen to music, watch some films. Or maybe find some voluntary work? Maybe get a friend to join you for some (or all) of the time. And leave your daughter and your husband to get on with it!

I wonder if she is depressed. Maybe you could gently talk to her about it.

Get yourself one of those gadgets for picking things up of the floor and a large cardboard box. Pick up every toy in your communal living rooms and dump in box. Then dump box in daughter's room.

Do your own and your husband's laundry - leave your daughter's and her daughter's laundry to her and if she lives it lying around, sling it into her room.

Make it clear when she complains, as complain she will, say if she wishes to live in a pig-sty she may do so in the room that you and her father have placed at her disposal, but that neighter you nor he wish to live in one.

If she still leaves her possesions lying around, put them in a bin bag and put it somewhere where you will not fall over it but not in the bin. When she asks where X is, say in the black bin bag in such-and-such a place.

If she sulks, yells, crys, tell her to be her age and act as a responsible adult and mother of a child, or out they go at the end of next month, whether she can find a room or not.

If your husband says you are being to hard on DD, tell him to stuff it. Half fhe responsiblity, at least for her upbringing was his, so either he tackles her, or he keeps his mouth shut when you do so.

grandtanteJE65

Get yourself one of those gadgets for picking things up of the floor and a large cardboard box. Pick up every toy in your communal living rooms and dump in box. Then dump box in daughter's room.

Do your own and your husband's laundry - leave your daughter's and her daughter's laundry to her and if she lives it lying around, sling it into her room.

Make it clear when she complains, as complain she will, say if she wishes to live in a pig-sty she may do so in the room that you and her father have placed at her disposal, but that neighter you nor he wish to live in one.

If she still leaves her possesions lying around, put them in a bin bag and put it somewhere where you will not fall over it but not in the bin. When she asks where X is, say in the black bin bag in such-and-such a place.

If she sulks, yells, crys, tell her to be her age and act as a responsible adult and mother of a child, or out they go at the end of next month, whether she can find a room or not.

If your husband says you are being to hard on DD, tell him to stuff it. Half fhe responsiblity, at least for her upbringing was his, so either he tackles her, or he keeps his mouth shut when you do so.

Excellent advice

Win, a perfect response and I hope the OP takes it on board.. My teenage daughter did this and one day I got so fed up with the mess that I picked everything up (there was a lot of it) and I opened her bedroom window and flung it out into the garden where it adorned various trees and bushes. Cups, saucers, plates, it all went out there and the look on her face when she came home was a picture.

I think the problem is that everyone alls her a daughter. No. She is a mother. She is a grown woman. She has a child to care for her. Stop treating HER like a child. She needs to get on and out.

Sort it out double quick before you all fall out . She is taking advantage of you good and proper.