I’m itching to just ask why?

M0nica

but she is not a daughter or son, she is a daughter in law and she should just shrug this off, it is trivial and isn't worth sacrificing her current good relationship with her Mil for the sake of a few baubles on her birthday.

That’s what I want to say point blank, “I feel hurt because I’m treated differently than others in the family and I would like to now why”

but she is not a daughter or son, she is a daughter in law and she should just shrug this off, it is trivial and isn't worth sacrificing her current good relationship with her Mil for the sake of a few baubles on her birthday.

I've learnt that you cannot rely on those very close to you to READ how you feel as I once was told "I'm not psychic so if she doesn't read you well tell her eg " I feel hurt because you appear to treat me differently than others in the family and I don't understand why x good luck

I don't know that lilac is really combative, I think it's just a voice from another country and reads differently.

Great replies and advice to you Lilacs45. It is rare for Gransnet to be so unanimous, yet every time you come back at posters who are trying to be understanding and helpful. You are coming across as combative. Is that your normal approach? Maybe you could try to back off from the situations which you are finding tricky to handle. Look for the positives not the negatives. Leave those aspects to your husband to sort.

You have hardly mentioned your children. Does your MiL have a good relationship with them? That’s more important, surely?

I do think that would work lilacs.
And at least it underlines that you are a team and that you talk about things!

And it gives him the opportunity to chuckle about it too so needn't come over as aggressive.
And maybe she is forgetting things as she ages.

And maybe as the "man" his voice is always going to be the one she listens to anyway? My mother-in-law regularly runs financial things past my husband (who has NO interest in it and finds finance nothing but a chore) because she believes that "men understand this better".

I have given up being concerned about it. But I definitely used to be!

What more do you want from GN's that you have not had?

NotSpaghetti

He did refuse to answer recently Smileless2012 but it's obviously annoying when you've already said "no" (as the wife) and, not being the answer she wanted, she goes elsewhere.

It's definitely childish. Maybe she's starting with dementia - and has forgotten?

He could try - "You have already asked that and Lilacs gave you the answer. Maybe you forgot?"

Yes my husband has been really good as of lately about refusing to answer my MIL’s intrusive questions but I’m human so it still annoys me that she in a sense “tries it” and goes to him after me as the wife the other partner said no. It’s like my “no” isn’t being respected. So only her son is deserving of respect and having their boundaries respected?

I love the response of saying lilacs already asked and just acting confused as to why she would go to ask him almost as if she just had to have forgotten to do something that rude.

I think the best way to deal with in laws is to just ignore their behaviour.
I thought i had a great relationship with my MIL. Found out I didn't, all smiles and nastiness, similar to the experience of OP.
Not nice. Thankfully I don't have children with my husband.
I just buy cards, presents when required and don't get any more involved than I have to.
I adore my son in law and don't understand this insane jealousy

Smileless2012

Alternatively lilacs you could simply 'scratch your itch' and ask her after all, that's what you say you're itching to do.

Ok please no need to be rude and snarky.

Alternatively lilacs you could simply 'scratch your itch' and ask her after all, that's what you say you're itching to do.

Actually I do pretty much treat her like my own mother. I’m very diligent at making sure both grandmothers have equal time with their grandkids. I get her something from me on Mother’s Day and her birthday.

Then I repeat: you have a husband problem, not a mother in law problem. If, as you say, you are as kind and attentive with her as you are with your own mother, then you're left with 2 options. 1, Request your husband to tackle her about both her overstepping of boundaries and her lack of gifts and cards on special occasions. Or, alternatively, just stop buying her cards and gifts for any occasions and leave it to your husband to sort out. You've received several excellent suggestions Lilac, none of which, thus far, having met your approval. If all else fails, you'll probably need to just cut off all contact with her and leave her with entirely to your husband to deal with. Do let us know how you get on won't you.

I think you could be right Oldnproud.

Oldnproud

I have come to the conclusion from all the OP's follow-up posts that the she is simply jealous of her mil.
The thing is, a mother does not cease to be a mother even when her children are grown and married. Yes, those adult children will have new priorities and should put their partner first - and I've seen nothing to suggest that the OP's partner doesn't do this, but that doesn't seem to be enough for her.

Lilacs45, can you honestly say, hand on heart, that you (yes, you personally, not you and your husband as a couple) now treat your MIL exactly the same as you treat your own mother?
I somehow doubt it.

Actually I do pretty much treat her like my own mother. I’m very diligent at making sure both grandmothers have equal time with their grandkids. I get her something from me on Mother’s Day and her birthday.

Oldnproud

I have come to the conclusion from all the OP's follow-up posts that the she is simply jealous of her mil.
The thing is, a mother does not cease to be a mother even when her children are grown and married. Yes, those adult children will have new priorities and should put their partner first - and I've seen nothing to suggest that the OP's partner doesn't do this, but that doesn't seem to be enough for her.

Lilacs45, can you honestly say, hand on heart, that you (yes, you personally, not you and your husband as a couple) now treat your MIL exactly the same as you treat your own mother?
I somehow doubt it.

Hmm I missed the part where I said she ceases to be his mother?

I have come to the conclusion from all the OP's follow-up posts that the she is simply jealous of her mil.
The thing is, a mother does not cease to be a mother even when her children are grown and married. Yes, those adult children will have new priorities and should put their partner first - and I've seen nothing to suggest that the OP's partner doesn't do this, but that doesn't seem to be enough for her.

Lilacs45, can you honestly say, hand on heart, that you (yes, you personally, not you and your husband as a couple) now treat your MIL exactly the same as you treat your own mother?
I somehow doubt it.

Let it go.

Good advice Delila.

I really don’t think any of these things matter much - you’ll almost certainly come to some sort of compromise and better understanding of each other eventually - what’s the alternative? Lifelong grudges? Damaging estrangement? Find the best you can in your relationships and overlook the things that won’t matter in the long run.

Well wouldn’t expect present for mother or Father’s Day from anyone except our own children so that’s a bit strange from her take on it he’s not her father. So she doesn’t buy you gifts for birthdays then stop contributing to hers let hubby buy and give . If questioned tjen you have an answer …. If hubby has a problem it’s his not yours . My in-laws always bought hubby siblings gifts on there wedding anniversaries not us , one year we were asked to contribute to a gift for them as they always remembered . No resulted in big silence …… following year she stopped all gifts … never knew why ( married 20+) but no falling out no apologies . Advice just change and not expect

This post about in laws made me think of her .
In fact , I went to her old house yesterday .
Yes , poor lady .
My mother and I used to be as kind and generous to her as we could be .
Her husband was vile to the end .
I wonder about his parents .

Esmay 😨

I knew a lady some 30 years ago , who endured a physically abusive marriage .
She told me that her in laws billed her for any meals taken at their house !

So what you’re saying is her DIL doesn’t matter only her son. So it’s ok to overstep her DIL’s boundaries but if her son puts up boundaries then all of a sudden it needs to be adhered to. Yes asking him how much we make how we contribute who does what in our marriage make no mistake is intrusive. Besides what’s the point of her asking us that?

I don't think that's what Smileless2012 is saying at all but you're coming across now as hell bent on challenging all advice given and being combative in your responses. I reiterate my own perspective; you don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem: if she's not listening to you the way you'd like her to do, inform your husband that he must address it because the stress of it all is driving you to engage in a combative argument with total strangers, on a chat forum for older people, on the other side of the world. And you don't like what they're saying either.

Where have I said that lilacs? If your H has stood up to his mother and is no longer answering her questions, what's the problem?

You appear to be looking for confrontation for the sake of it which is why I'm not only beginning to feel sorry for your m.i.l. but your husband too.