I’m itching to just ask why?

I wonder if you had a big milestone birthday party and she was invited, would she come?

I would say nothing. I would not ask her to change her behavior but just let her be the person she is. At least there are no surprises. You know exactly what to expect. Yes it is odd she gives a Fathers Day gift to someone who is clearly not her father! Oh well. At least she is nice the other 350 odd days a year.

I have a handy solution. be brave, do away with the lot of it and give money to something that will make a real difference.

Personally we have always made very little fuss over Fathers’ Day and Mothers’ Day, and certainly our parents didn’t get involved, nor have we got involved with our children. I think it is weird that your MIL showers your son with attention on Fathers’ Day.
But your birthday is another matter. Just a text is not good enough. If you want to take anything up with your MIL, then make it about your birthday, though personally I think your husband should be the one to raise it with his mother.

You say you have a good and very positive relationship with your m.i.l., so talk to her about it. Much better to come from you than from your H.

As crazy's posted, if you don't tell her, how is she supposed to know how you feel?

Does he defend her to you ? My husband does this , if I ever say anything about his parents behaviour in anyway , he will always defend them . I realised after a few years of marriage, I would always come second to his parents.

crazyH

lilacs - no, I’m not being sarcastic. I’m serious. You need to ask her directly

I’ll go ahead and ask her directly then. I’m a straight forward person. There is no sense in going on as if something isn’t bothering you if it is. That can breed resentment

Babs03

I don’t think crazyH is being sarcastic at all.

Ok sometimes it’s hard to tell through writing. Just wanted to double check.

lilacs45

How do I address this with my MIL?

You don’t.
You say that you have a good relationship day-to-day. Enjoy and nurture that rather than worrying about how she chooses to spend her money.
If you are allowing it to upset you to the detriment of your health, then talk it over with your husband and agree a way to move forward.

lilacs - no, I’m not being sarcastic. I’m serious. You need to ask her directly

Hmmm

I don’t think crazyH is being sarcastic at all.

crazyH

lilacs - be straight with her - tell her how you feel. You did say that you have a fairly good relationship with her. So, go on , tell your M,I,l. how you feel. Be direct. I am one of those people who believes in speaking my mind. How else would they know how you feel ?

Are you being sarcastic? The reason I’m asking is bc you said, “so go on”

Jaxjacky

Your husband should do that.

Agreed. But what should he say? I’m actually hurt that I have to spell this out to my own husband that he allowed his mom’s rude behavior towards his wife for all these years.

lilacs - be straight with her - tell her how you feel. You did say that you have a fairly good relationship with her. So, go on , tell your M,I,l. how you feel. Be direct. I am one of those people who believes in speaking my mind. How else would they know how you feel ?

I should have said, if it really botherz you, I would just ask her outright.

This does sound strange but I imagine you must have talked about this to your husband, what is his take on this?
He really should give his mum a prod, not you.

Can I ask , what does your husband say about it . My first mother in law , was ok. She was fine with me but she never remembered my birthday. I'll be honest it never really bothered me . I've been married to my second husband for 15 years now. He's an only child, his parents are elderly now. I get on fine with them but it's always been all about my husband. They absolutely dote on him, it was my 60th this year . They gave me a bottle of wine , I don't drink alcohol due to medication for rheumatoid arthritis. Hubbie enjoyed it though 🤭

Your husband should do that.

How do I address this with my MIL?

NotSpaghetti

I think it's actually a bit odd that she is involved in your husband's father's day actually.

I'd have been quite miffed if my mother-in-law/mother/friend/aunt etc had muscled in and "stolen" that whole excitement ^from my children^

It’s a gift addressed from her not from my kids

Yeah and it adds to the hurt that my kids are acknowledged as well and I’m not. So it’s literally everyone but me. How else is a person supposed to take that? Oh you’re just the mother to my grandchildren and the person my son loves so much he chose to spend his life with you but when it comes down to it you aren’t really valued and loved in the same way as everyone else.

I think it's actually a bit odd that she is involved in your husband's father's day actually.

I'd have been quite miffed if my mother-in-law/mother/friend/aunt etc had muscled in and "stolen" that whole excitement from my children

lilacs45

I want to seek out opinions on here since this forum is mostly the age of what a MIL would be.

I have been married to my DH for 5 years now and we have 2 children. I have what I consider a very positive and good relationship with my MIL. However one thing that really hurts me is the discrepancy in how I’m treated vs my DH and my children. My MIL goes all out on their birthdays with cards, checks, gifts etc and for me I’m lucky to get a text saying happy birthday. On Father’s Day my MIL gets my husband a nice Father’s Day gift and I get nothing. I always get very hurt and upset by this bc considering how my MIL treats me when I text her and when we visit is in complete contradiction to how she treats me on my special days in comparison to how my husband and kids get treated on theirs. I want to ask if this behavior is normal for a MIL towards her DIL but deep down I know that no it’s not normal for a MIL towards single out her DIL from the rest of her family in terms of birthdays and Mother’s Day.

It isn’t about the gifts as much as it’s about feeling like she doesn’t value me as a member of the family her DIL, her son’s wife, and the mother to her grandchildren. What the message is sending is my son is worth getting love and appreciation on Father’s Day as a good father but my DIL isn’t worth being showered with love and appreciation on Mother’s Day.

I’m just hurt that I’m the only one recognized differently. Surely she has to see how that would hurt me. I’ve been itching to say something for years now but what do I say? I really want to ask her why she ignores my special days.

I gave my son £500 for his 50th birthday and when it was my daughter in laws 50th birthday I also gave her £500. I gave our other son £500 for his 50th birthday and also gave his partner (not married) £500 for her 50th birthday.

My late husband and I have always made them the same, as far as I am concerned, whether they are married or in a long term relationship they are part of our family.

I find it unfair that your MIL treats you differently from your husband (her son) than she treats you.

crazyH

Your children and your Husband should be spoiling you on Mother’s Day.
But I can imagine how hurt you feel, when your M.I.l. conveniently forgets your birthday. Not nice at all.

And when my husband gets recognized for being a good father but I’m not appreciated for being a mother. How do I address this with my MIL and ask why I’m singled out when my husband and kids get acknowledged and tell her it’s very hurtful??