I’m itching to just ask why?

As someone said upthread maybe she didn't have that sort of relationship with your father-in-law.
Maybe she felt alone?

I'm obviously speculating here...
We don't know what she thinks - and even your husband can't seem to find out!

And my husband did bring up the whole vacation and paying issue to his mom and treating him while ignoring his wife and she just got defensive with him saying oh you always defend her. Like duh of course he always defends me we are married I’m his wife!

Not to mention again we are married so the running of the household is team effort not just due to one’s hard work. So a bit odd to recognize the hard work of one person while completely overlooking and ignoring what the other spouse contributes and brings to the table.

I think being expected to be treated Ike a daughter or exactly like my husband would look like if I expected her to call me everyday like she does her son or if I expected to be in her inheritance or something. She calls my husband almost everyday and I certainly don’t expect her to do the same for me or leave her in my inheritance but yes as her son’s partner if she is paying for his vacation with them and leaving me to fend for myself that’s a little odd to not treat us in those particular circumstances as a married unit. My MIL could have given my husband a set amount and said, “hey this is for you and your wife to use towards the trip however you like whether there for airfare or lodging” instead of being like, “here you go son this portion is for your trip but forget your wife/my DIL she is on her own. She could have given the same amount she wanted to financially while including me instead of spending any extra more. There are ways to make the spouse feel included. Or giving him side money and telling him, “oh you work so hard you deserve to treat yourself” and while yes I agree 100% he works hard outside of the time. I have young children at home so even though I work outside the home my work is just as valuable and I bring just as much to the table raising our children full time day and day out saving us money on other expenses and allowing him to go to work while I am raising his children. That is a huge job. So I take that as, “so I don’t work hard and am not deserving of a treat only my husband’s contributions are valued?” Like what!? My MIL is a fellow woman she should understand the struggle of being a mother to young children and besides that women’s work is already undervalued and under appreciated as it is. Trust me men aren’t exactly overlooked in society

Well I don't know if it is odd TBH NotSpaghetti; not very nice I agree but not all s'.i.l. and d's.i.l. have good relationships with their wife's/husband's parents and vice versa.

It must be lovely to be loved like a D by your m.i.l. but as long as you have a reasonable relationship, it's not the end of the world if you're not; at least it shouldn't be.

In her OP lilacs describes their relationship as ^very positive and good^; what a shame that that isn't enough.

In this particular case the daughter-in-law is clearly not being treated very well... so there is something odd about it Smileless

Is your own mother still around OP? I ask because I’m wondering if you really were hoping your MIL would become a mother to you, and has disappointed you in failing to do so. She is your husband’s mother and not yours, but in time your relationship may change and mellow if you relax into the situation as it is, thus giving affection and respect a chance to develop naturally.

She maybe is jealous of her son's love for lilacs NotSpaghetti it happens, it happened to me but there's nothing you can do about it, and there's nothing your H can do about it either.

I love my daughters-in-law. I really do. I treat them as I treat my sons in - being kind and respectful and in terms of gifts.

They are not quite treated as daughters as I am more blunt/frank with my adult girls (who have known me all their lives) than I am with the women (and men) who have joined our family out of love rather than birth.
These special people are "allowed" to say more ridiculous things without me picking them up on it! . They have a different place in my heart because they love (and are the future of) my adult children.

Like the OP (and others) I don't understand the othering going on in her mother-in-law's case but I confess my relationships with the men and women who have joined our family is not identical to the privileged relationship I have with those I've loved since birth. As they grow older and we have more and more shared experiences and shared times I do love them all more and am increasingly grateful to them for the joy and support they bring to our family.

I don't know how I can help really lilacs in your situation except that your husband and children are a little "team" with you and so long as that is strong you can survive this and together grow in love and thrive.

Do not let this ridiculous woman get any deeper under your skin. Your children may notice her behaviour as they grow but will always know instinctively that the way she behaves is wrong. Show them that you are an adult here. There is no harm in telling them (if asked) that you don't know why she is like this. As they grow they will have their own thoughts about her anyway.
This is what I would do.
One day, if you are a mother-in-law you will know that this is not this way to behave!

You cannot change her.
If you can't let it go I would ask your husband to speak to her privately about it.
I think she is jealous of your husband's love for you.

Just continue to love your own little family and try to set this aside. I think, sadly, she will never change.

Who is this situation upsetting? You obviously and maybe you H too, especially if you're constantly referring too it but I doubt your m.i.l. is affected.

Just let it go lilacs.

Smileless2012

Some m's.i.l. and d's.i.l. have a good relationship and sometimes they don't. What matters, the only thing that matters is your relationship with your husband. Are you really prepared put that under pressure, to risk it even because you don't think your m.i.l. loves you as much as you think she should?

For goodness sake lilacs just enjoy and be thankful for what you have.

It’s just that my mom’s MIL always treated her like a second daughter. She wouldn’t have dreamed of treating my dad or including him and not including my mom. In fact it’s one of the many, many, many reason I loved my grandmom so much. If she had treated my mom like some sort of outsider or like she was secondary and meant less than me and my father when my mom is literally half of the reason I exist I would have of course still loved my grandmother but I would have not felt as much warmth towards her if she treated my mother like that. Just food for thought you can go ahead and treat your DIL like some sort of outsider who matters less than your son and grandchild bc you know DNA and blood and all that but at the end of the day your grandchild will pick up on how you treat their mother. And think about it your DIL is half the reason that grandchild you love so much even exists. She cares for a loves her and is her mother and your son loved her enough to make vows to her and marry her surely that alone should mean she is treated the same as the rest of the family unit. I find people don’t take way to being “othered” and respond much better when they are included. It’s just common sense really. Also not sure what the other poster meant by you should make vows to other people besides your spouse.

Some m's.i.l. and d's.i.l. have a good relationship and sometimes they don't. What matters, the only thing that matters is your relationship with your husband. Are you really prepared put that under pressure, to risk it even because you don't think your m.i.l. loves you as much as you think she should?

For goodness sake lilacs just enjoy and be thankful for what you have.

eazybee

Just had a horrible thought. Will this thread continue after Christmas because her husband gets a bigger present?

I mean isn’t it generally advised on here that once your son is married you should treat your DIL the same as your son since she is the woman your son chose to share his life with and you should welcome her into the family and if you treat her as “less than” it could make her feel worse?

I think you have misconstrued Allsorts post lilacs. I've known her for many years and she would never imply that the bond between a mother and her son is or should be, stronger than the bond between a husband and wife, or that a husband should always back his mother rather than his wife.

I disagree readsalot as IMO it's lilacs who is jealous of her husband's relationship with his mother and it's her jealousy and her relationship with her husband and not her m.i.l. that's the issue.

You've been married for 5 years lilacs and have two children. You don't I think, see or even interact with your m.i.l. on a daily basis so why not concentrate on your husband and your children, and leave your husband's relationship with his mother to him.

It really does sound to me as if you simply resent your husband's relationship with his mother; that you are jealous and would prefer it if they had no relationship at all.

I hope not eazybee but I wouldn't be surprised.

Just had a horrible thought. Will this thread continue after Christmas because her husband gets a bigger present?

This is sad. I think your MIL is one of those people who only regard blood relatives as family. You can ask her why she views you differently but I don’t know if that would help. I also think she might be jealous of you, especially as she is on her own. The situation probably won’t change so it’s up to you how you decide to handle it. She sounds like hard work and I wish you good luck.

eazybee

Is your name Meghan Markle?

Also I do find it kind of hilarious how everyone of course goes to blame the woman in the relationship for the actions of a man. The man is grown and is not a young child so he stolen solely responsible for his own actions. Or are we just not holding men accountable for their actions?

Luminance

Of course a husband and wife are the closest relationship there should be. Never would I doubt that. No vows are made with any other relationship. Perhaps they should be.

What other relationships should have vows? If you do that with other relationships than what makes the marriage vows stand out and more sacred than any other vows?

Luminance

Of course a husband and wife are the closest relationship there should be. Never would I doubt that. No vows are made with any other relationship. Perhaps they should be.

I was respond to the comment from, “allsorts” which heavily implied the bond between a mother and son is stronger than the bond between husband and wife. And that if there is an issue between the wife and his mother he should back and support his mother over his wife.

Smileless2012

In what ways isn't he standing by you and putting you first? You've said that he agrees with you when it comes to his mother asking probing questions and no longer answers.

What is it you want? There's nothing I can see from your posts that suggests to me that the bond he has with his mother is stronger than the bond he has with you, it comes across as if you simply resent him having any bond/relationship with his mother at all.

I was responding to the comment from, “allsorts” which heavily implied that the bond between mother and son (even after he is grown and married) should be stronger than the bond with his own wife and he should support his mother over his own wife. I would like to ask would you expect your husband to put his mother before you?

eazybee

Is your name Meghan Markle?

Huh? How is the Meghan Markle situation even remotely similar to mine?

Is your name Meghan Markle?

Of course a husband and wife are the closest relationship there should be. Never would I doubt that. No vows are made with any other relationship. Perhaps they should be.

In what ways isn't he standing by you and putting you first? You've said that he agrees with you when it comes to his mother asking probing questions and no longer answers.

What is it you want? There's nothing I can see from your posts that suggests to me that the bond he has with his mother is stronger than the bond he has with you, it comes across as if you simply resent him having any bond/relationship with his mother at all.

Is he able to do this Lilacs?