I get hurt at Christmas

Cabbie
I think you should go on that coach holiday next year.
It might be fun.
And even if not just regard it as research as if you were travel or food critic.
All the best.

No it doesn't say on the back of our birth certificates that life is fair BazingaGranny but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to make the lives of others as fair as we can.

That sounds like a good way to spend Christmas if you can afford it but an alternative is to not spend every Christmas with one set and never spend Christmas with the other.

I really feel for you pigsmayfly and I do think it is sad that people are just not perhaps quite as kind as we would like them to be, partly I suppose because everyone is so busy, and perhaps because there is more of a culture of 'you should be able to do what you want'.
I have four sons. I am hardly ever alone at Xmas because the youngest, who is 27, is still at home with me, which is no consolation at all because he is autistic and he also feels it if we do not get 'invited'. Mostly I do see the others over Christmas but it is always hit and miss as one of them definitely prefers his mother-in-law, one of them I fell out with a while back (long story) and although we speak things aren't 'right' and the other, who stayed with me for two years when he split up with his wife simply prefers the independence of his own space. The thing is I realise that I am very different from them. They are two separate families in a way, the two elder from my first marriage, the younger two from second marriage, and both marriages ended with me behaving badly towards their fathers (although believe me this was not one-sided!). Also, I am into esoteric things, I'm a counsellor and a healer with what many consider a 'wacky' take on life, whereas they are not on the same page at all. So there is not a feeling of 'tribe'. This is increased by the fact that the wives/girlfriends aren't on the same page as me, either. So despite the considerable financial help I've given the elder two, and the support for the younger (I have not been a bad or unloving mother, I don't think) we just don't quite 'vibe'. I try to accept the fact that I'm never going to be a priority. This year son No 3's mother-in-law was 'doing' Boxing Day, so he invited himself over on Xmas Day,.
Boxing Day Sons 1 & 2 invited me to son No 1's new house and all the grandchildren were there and it was lovely - BUT there have been times when it was not like that, just me and my husband (not the father of any of them!) out for a meal on our own, and I always feel uneasy about it. I know a year will come when I do not see any of them, so I try to brace myself. But it hurts - as mothers that's our lot I'm afraid!
I agree with the people on here. however, who have said try to talk about this. WHY do your sons and their wives never come? WHAT is it that your daughter 'isn't going to do again'. It's always best to talk, and to try to understand.
Good luck and a big hug!

Invite them all to your house on Boxing Day.

Smileless2012

I agree that it's not unusual flappergirl but it isn't fair and I wonder why some of these in law's don't think about the other parents/GP's, who never get to spend Christmas with their AC and GC.

We always alternated between my parents and Mr. S's, and a son's a son for his entire life. You don't stop being your parents son just because you get married.

Maybe that ridiculous saying should be done away with.

A friend once said when I complained about something being unfair, ‘Turn your birth certificate over, and you’ll find it doesn’t say that life is fair’. Very true!

One friend told me that they always took their children skiing at Christmas and New Year so they didn’t have either her parents or her inlaws being unhappy with who her family spent Christmas with!

🌷

I am sorry to hear you were hurt at Christmas by your daughter's remark, and even sorrier to hear that your married sons always spend Christmas with their wives' families.

I honestly think you will get nowhere if you try to alter this, so I suggest you spend some time considering alternatives.

Either as already suggest go away for Christmas yourself, or find some people you can invite. There are many widows and widowers without children who every year dread spending Christmas entirely alone.

Try to find someone who would be happy to come to yours, or volunteer at one of the organisations that host Christmas dinner for those who have no families.

we always host simply because we are the only ones with room, our adult children either live in a one bedroom flat or a tiny terrace! They decide, and tell us when they will arrive, which is all well and good. There are no grandchildren, and we happily alternate with the inlaws and just change the day for Christmas lunch or whatever, we are not obsessed with having everyone here on Christmas Day itself. However, if I ever got to the stage where I thought my children were discussing whose turn it was to 'have Mum and dad' in a negative way, that is when I would book a holiday away. I would hate to think I was just being tolerated, however kindly.

Smileless2012

I agree that it's not unusual flappergirl but it isn't fair and I wonder why some of these in law's don't think about the other parents/GP's, who never get to spend Christmas with their AC and GC.

We always alternated between my parents and Mr. S's, and a son's a son for his entire life. You don't stop being your parents son just because you get married.

Maybe that ridiculous saying should be done away with.

Agreed.

Posted above why.

Agreed.

It's on the sons to make plans with their parents.

Son is a son forever, just as a daughter. Daft believing that ends when he marries.

We alternate between Son & DiL and ours. Which works well. This year was different we had Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve, it took the stress out of cooking on Christmas Day.

I hosted by myself this year for the first time since the death of DH, 4 yrs ago.
It's flipping hard work!
2/4 DC came and 4/7 DGC.
I think it will be the last time in this big house so I wanted to try for nostalgic reasons.
DS1 came after the meal and left before DD.
It was fine, thanks to the DGC but I don't want to do it again.
I could have gone to my DS1 but the others would go to their inlaws.
I am not bothered partly because there's a tension between the siblings.

I wonder, on reflection, if like nanna8 we were thoughtless when our DP were around.

I hope you feel better by now pigsmayfly you are not alone!

I think whatever you do seems to come with problems. This year we had everyone for Christmas, and now we are expecting them all for new year.
I’m not actually complaining, because it’s lovely to have them, but the amount of shopping, cooking, food prep, clearing up, changing out beds, constantly tidy up is actually quite tiring. They’ll be here till Thursday night, and I go back to work on Friday,
I know we are lucky they still all want to come, and I know we’ll have a really good time, lots of games and karaoke, a nice meal, but it’s hard work these days.

I live alone, I have 3 DDs but every other year they go to in-laws for Christmas. Fortunately, my 1st daughter is local so I invite my DD’s in-laws because their other son goes to his in-laws’.
Many years ago, when they were alive, for several years, I also had my sil’s aunt and grandmother squashed round the table. I live in a flat, not much room but all 14 were happy to be there.
Maybe you could invite your AC’s in-laws next year.
In turn I do get invited sometimes to son in law’s family meals, eg, their New Year’s meal.

Forgive me…..I’ve not read all the comments.
I’m sorry your daughter has created an upset.
My husband and I hosted a great many Christmas days since getting married. Sister, brothers, mothers, grandmother. Nieces and nephews. Only on a few occasions did we get invite to theirs. The older generation have passed on and the nieces and nephews now have their own partners who, obviously, have families. As a result we host a dinner the week before Christmas. We’ve done this for about three years and it leaves everyone to go have Christmas Day with other parts of their family.
In the past both my husband and I have had to work bank holidays and quite anti social hours.
Now…..we are left alone on Christmas Day.
Once, when I was single, I help deliver Christmas dinner to those who had no one.
I’m not sure what I’d do if I was alone at Christmas but I do know I would do my own thing. Maybe go to our local church, maybe volunteer somewhere, maybe get together with others who would, otherwise, be alone. BUT, I’d do something for me! I’d have fun….even if I stayed home eating my favourite dishes, watching my favourite programs and movies and having sole use of the controls!!
Actually, now I also recall booking a singles trip away. It was fun.
By the way…sorry your daughter isn’t happy but that is her problem and not yours until she chooses to share with you.
Good luck, keep smiling……

Maybe your daughter's problem wasn't with you so much as her brothers, who never seem to take a turn coming to you for Christmas. Perhaps she'd prefer to do her own thing next year, while you invite one or both of your sons instead? Do you think you can suggest a change of routine in a tactful way which won't ruffle feathers? Sorry, not knowing the exact family dynamic, I can't be more helpful than this.

Is there any reason why your son's can't invite you to the celebrations with their in-laws?

Thank you Smileless2012. I found your comment a great comfort.

It is one day of the year, get over it but try to ask her why she has decided.

Monica I think that’s valuable advice. I’m going to action that. Thank you

Blessed Art it’s the way I write. I wouldn’t dream of separating my sons from their wives and families. Invitations are for all. And invited them many times but there is no point. They always go to the wife’s family

Speaking as an adult child, albeit, my parents died some years ago. I do think we can upset our parents and leave them feeling, 'out of the loop' quite unintentionally.

I realise myself that something I did without thinking over Christmas and my parents, did upset them - but, on the other hand - they never said anything, and if they had, I would immediately have changed what we did.

So I always think in situations like this, the first response should be to talk to your children and explain the situation. Now your sons are both married, they make Christmas arrangements with their family - wife and children - in mind and do not look at the bigger picture - such as what are their other siblings doing - .

I think what is lacking here is good communication, plus resolving the issues between mother and daughter. It should be done in a non-accusatory way, but in the spirit of friendly resolution.

I spent Christmas Day with my son and his extended family. The meal was hosted by his in laws who kindly invited me too. I enjoyed it and felt welcome. My son insisted I went back to their house for the evening and overnight, but another time I think I would drive home, although I don’t enjoy coming home to an empty house with no lights on.
I expect I will spend it with my daughter next year but I can’t help wondering whether I would enjoy being away. The coach company I go on holiday with has a trip over Christmas, but I don’t know what it would be like.

Actually it is this coming week I feel more lonely, as none of my regular activities is restarting before 6 January.

Some people don’t enjoy hosting. It’s possible your daughter doesn’t and it came out clumsily. I am sure given some time you and your daughter will be just fine. I love the suggestion of getting away somewhere neither of you have to fuss over being host.

Regarding your sons, a couple of things stuck out to me. You say you want to spend Christmas with your sons. No mention of their wives outside of lamenting they prefer to spend Christmas with them. This is an odd take. Husbands and wives are a package deal; holiday time isn’t about a preference of spending time with wives or mums. Do you think perhaps extending an invite to the couples to have some time over the holidays would be a good idea? Maybe planning ahead of time and presenting all of your children (which includes their spouses) with some options would help?

Pigsmayfly,

pigsmayfly.

Lathyrus3, although we were in her home for the first time, I do like your ideas about a hotel or mini cruise. It may help take the pressure off. Thank you x

Many people dislike hosting, imo. Particularly the younger generations. Perhaps hosting was too difficult for your daughter.

Lathyrus3 idea is quite good.