I get hurt at Christmas

There's nothing wrong with pigsmayfly feeling hurt that her Christmas didn't go as well as she'd hoped, and hurt because she never gets to spend Christmas with her sons and their children.

It isn't a crime to want to be able to spend Christmas with your son and it isn't a crime to say you're hurt when you never do.

pigsmayfly.

Thanks Delila, I find that heartening.

Don’t worry too much “pigsmayfly”, you have a year to get things back on track between you.

You can do it.

Do you spend the day lamenting the fact that your sons ain't with you , as frankly that would get on a my nerves too. How about arranging a "family" meal the weekend before that way you can have your get together then, you don't need to cater you can go to the local pub , that way the pressure is off everyone. Christmas day expectations are so high that they day often calls flat. Perhaps a plan on how the day should pan out, something like:
Arrive at 11.30 and exchange gifts.
Glass of something and some nibbles at 12.30
Lunch at 1.30
Watch the kings speech at 3.00
Christmas cake and a cuppa 4.00
Leave for home at 5.30
That way she can have the evening with her family.

People will probably think I'm quite cruel and heartless
When both my parents were alive I felt obliged to invite them to spend Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day with us (we would sleep in our own homes). Other members of the family often joined us.
I often wished I could just enjoy time with my children instead of cooking and washing up for so many and trying to keep different age groups happy
One year my husband and young daughter took ourselves off to a cottage in the lake district. Just as we were serving lunch on boxing day my parents arrived (the cottage belonged to a friend of theirs)
So, when my own 2 children grew up and met their future wife/husband I wasn't at all upset if I wasn't part of their Christmas day plans.
Both my children live a plane ride away, my daughter was here last year, first time in 10 years.
Both of my children have busy lives, good jobs, they work hard and I think they deserve to spend Christmas however they want to.
I've had more than one Christmas alone, truly enjoyed the peace and quiet

keeping a happy family at their end is much better for them - so true - and ultimately gives our generation peace of mind.

I am the sort of person who would find that hard too, pigsmayfly, so my husband talked to me when they first left home and helped me see that I actually sometimes resented being at my Mum's (especially once the children were old enough to want to play with their presents) so if we loved our children, we'd want to take that pressure off them.
We do a Boxing Day gathering but we try not to pressure them into coming although it is sometimes hard when it is their partners who don't want to come but they would quite like to. However, this year, I talked to the partners to let them know that their happiness was important too so there was no pressure on my part. I want them to be happy, and keeping a happy family at their end is much better for them.
We have to let them make their own traditions and accept they have their own lives to lead. Many families only get their holidays together as they are so busy during the year working.

petra

When your daughter said im not doing this again what jumped out to me was that there has been upset/conflict on previous xmases.

not only that, you say 'through a series of misunderstandings'

This suggests that perhaps a full relationship reset is necessary, possibly including councselling.

This sons parents/daughters parents. I have been both sides of it. As a DiL, we were meticulous about giving both families, especially grandparents equal time, and as a sons parents, our Dil has always done the same.

I agree that it's not unusual flappergirl but it isn't fair and I wonder why some of these in law's don't think about the other parents/GP's, who never get to spend Christmas with their AC and GC.

We always alternated between my parents and Mr. S's, and a son's a son for his entire life. You don't stop being your parents son just because you get married.

Maybe that ridiculous saying should be done away with.

It's not unusual for a son to be absorbed into his wife's family. Christmases, high days and holidays are spent with her parents to the exclusion of his own mother. Likewise the maternal grandparents see the grandchildren more often. Remember the old adage "a son's a son until he takes a wife." More context is needed about your daughter though. What were the "series of misunderstandings", can you give examples?

My gripe is that I sent [via sons and DIL] a grandson cash and small presents for him and his girlfriend. I never see him throughout the year, he is 25.

No text of thanks. Not impressed.

My 2 sons also spend Christmas Day with their wives family so I know how it feels pigsmayfly . Both DIL's families always take priority, always, and I can see that is very loyal of them. I do get sick of being the one who feels left out though.

I'm sometimes asked to join in with one son but then I hear them talk about all the things my son has done for the MIL during the year, which grates/hurts! [I'm on my own, never ask for any help/support - that's my problem I know].

I get to see the other son on Boxing Day...when the whole family is usually tired out. It's not working. We are going to change the arrangement from now on.

I've done Christmas Day on my own many times and now I actually prefer this and enjoy it. As circumstances change we have to adapt and accept that we have to accommodate many new family members other than ourselves...and/or change how things are done on special days accordingly. Nothing should be set in stone.

Could you invite the "boys" over.
It is hard work being the only one with your parents every year.

One of my sons said openly to my daughter who had just spent Christmas Day with both us and my mother-in-law for the second year running,
"Thanks for taking another one for the team!" He was laughing and immediately followed it with "come to us next year!".

We have 5 children but our youngest daughter is closest to my mother-in-law and she has told me privately that she wants to make her grandmother happy as "at 100 we won't have her a lot longer". I am keen not to take advantage of her kind heart next year.

I admit when you feel you have a responsibility you find it's not always easy.
Whilst there are two of us I would be happy with just my husband but as we also have his mum it's nice to share the holiday periods with the family!

I think your daughter has had enough. I would somehow give her a break.
Maybe you could suggest a catch up Christmas eve take-away instead?

Sorry, didn’t realise you were at hers.

Perhaps she meant the pressure of hosting Xmas rather than you personally?

🙂

Lathyrus3, although we were in her home for the first time, I do like your ideas about a hotel or mini cruise. It may help take the pressure off. Thank you x

pigsmayfly - children say and do things on the spur of the moment without realising how much they hurt us. Give it a month or two and then ask your sons whether they would like to spend Xmas 2025 with you. As for your daughter, it’s just a glitch. I’m sure it will all blow over and she will be back to her normal self soon. In my case, years ago it was agreed that I would rotate Xmases with each of my 3 children, but it never happened. I have spent every Xmas , since my divorce, with my daughter. The boys haven’t invited me yet. They have their in-laws over.

I think you have to accept that she did not have a good time and perhaps look honestly at what might have triggered that reaction.

Is it possible you lamented the lack of your sons? Sighed a bit over days gone by? Just a thought.

Now maybe is the time to make a change. Acknowledge to her Christmas at your home doesn’t work anymore and plan something different she might prefer. A couple of nights in a hotel maybe with others around and some sort of entertainment. A mini cruise? Or maybe she’d like to have Christmas in her own home.

When your daughter said im not doing this again what jumped out to me was that there has been upset/conflict on previous xmases.

It’s tough but try not to think about it too much maybe it was something said on the spur of the moment and will all be forgotten long before next year
Why not ask the sons or one of the sons if they d like to have a change and spend next year with you nearer the time or maybe your daughter will have forgotten whatever annoyed her by then
I ve often said well I m never doing that journey or visit or what have you, again but I always have
Don’t dwell on it, try and get things back to normal with your daughter and see how it all goes

It’s a shame but hold on to the fact that it is only one day of the year, life goes on. Our kids often hurt us without even realising it and looking back, I think I did the same to my parents.