I get hurt at Christmas

Ha ha!
I know it's a "Family Christmas" thread so I was mainly thinking of that, but more broadly, I meant "family socialising".

If you have a lot going on, or a big family, someone has to do it!

NotSpaghetti

I was referring to the "social calendar.

Oh. Not applicable here.

NotSpaghetti

Norah

I obviously didn't explain this very well.

You say:
I am decidedly not the secretary -- I choose finances/money.
This was (supposed to be) the point.

Often the woman in the house really does run things. Not just the finances - but the calendar too.

This thread was about Christmas. I assumed most people alternated or traded. We do not, we host Advent Sundays. Easy.

I suppose the only calendar is our daughters choosing, between themselves, which Sunday for their family. Date and menu are their choice.

I was referring to the "social calendar.

NotSpaghetti

Norah

I obviously didn't explain this very well.

You say:
I am decidedly not the secretary -- I choose finances/money.
This was (supposed to be) the point.

Often the woman in the house really does run things. Not just the finances - but the calendar too.

Obviously I misunderstood.

I do finances, every Monday.

I'm not secretary nor do I work out a calendar.

Given that approach must work for some, good!

How Christmas hurts us. I think I’m a little bit like this over thinking about the one day that we should be together. The adverts and films and the whole family thing gets to me. I have three sons who I get on well with throughout th3 year but come Christmas two stay with their families and one has Christmas Day with us. But for how long?

I guess we are lucky, as we alternate between us and my DS's in-laws, and have done so since before DS & DiL were married. All will change next Xmas though, as we'll be relocating back to the UK and close to my DD, who has already informed me that, from now on, we'll be hosting Xmas for her, SiL, and the other set of in-laws! It's good that we all get along together!

In the situation of the OP though, I can understand her feeling hurt. I can also understand her DD perhaps not wanting to host Xmas Day every single year. It's a lot of hard work, and it's really not fair that the OPs two sons never take a turn. It really shouldn't be like this. None of us want to feel a burden, or unwanted on Xmas Day, but some ACs really do need to think about how their parents feel.

Norah

I obviously didn't explain this very well.

You say:
I am decidedly not the secretary -- I choose finances/money.
This was (supposed to be) the point.

Often the woman in the house really does run things. Not just the finances - but the calendar too.

I know how you feel bluebird243
I am in Sydney Australia, the other Nana is very competitive and I constantly feel left out , however I turn up to most family gatherings. My problem is I don’t ever ask for help from my son as not to take him away from his wife and family and it’s to the detriment of myself. I have just joined this forum and still navigating it.

Hi pigsmayfly, I’m a bit late to this post but I think your daughters comments are aimed at her brothers not you . They bugger off to their in-laws , leaving her to host Christmas for you, which isn’t fair on her . I’m in the same boat , my brother goes to his in laws and my sisters husband likes Christmas Day at their home with their ac . So I always have my mum for Christmas. I’ve resented this in the past but now my dm is 89 and very frail, I’m happy to spend time with her .
Op your daughter needs to have a conversation with her brothers about alternating Christmas. When my in laws and were alive , we always alternated Christmas.

NotSpaghetti

PS - one of my daughters says to/of her husband "I am not the secretary in this house" - but if dates are critical then she really is!

I am decidedly not the secretary -- I choose finances/money.

Our daughters are the same. Perhaps women actually aren't "secretary" very often. Most people split, alternate, share, imo.

I’m rapidly thinking that families getting together for Xmas just doesn’t work anymore for a lot of people. I listened to a radio programme about this with so many people saying they won’t do it again. Like it or not, life has changed. I would just move on. We put too much emphasis on Xmas in my opinion.

I do t understand why the sons always have to do Xmas day with the in-laws, I have three daughters and two of them did turns about with the in-laws this year, only one could do Xmas day, though we saw the other daughters just before Xmas and just after. Next year it will be turns about again, so we will see two of our daughters Xmas day but not the third. It isn’t fair to do it any other way. And as parents of daughters we wouldn’t accept our married daughters always spending xmas day with us meaning the SILs parents felt left out.
I don’t get why this arrangement has been allowed to happen.

Christmas is always a moveable feast in our family, not very organised, things just evolve somehow. Probably a nightmare scenario for some. But I think it works by avoiding rigid traditions which, if varied one year, can lead to hurt feelings.

DS1 and family alternate with us and DIL’s family.
DS2 always has Christmas Day at home with MIL (widowed).
Dd and family like to spend Christmas Day at home. No stress, no rushing about, dinner when they want it.

We all get together on Boxing Day. Suits us all.

No pressure on anyone and we all enjoy it.

PS - one of my daughters says to/of her husband "I am not the secretary in this house" - but if dates are critical then she really is!

Regarding the saying about sons being sons till they get a wife - I think it's generally true flappergirl but that it tends to happen by accident.

I think (huge generalisation here) - that as women we tend to have been the family organiser - at least at sime point in our lives - and so women may just "get in first". My mother would always want to know about Christmas plans way ahead - and my mother-in-law started talking about Christmas plans in mid October.
My own daughter, when we were sorted about going to her on Christmas Day but helping with the catering sent me a "what to bring" list in November...

It would be mid December before most of the men in my family, older and younger ones alike, felt the need to know much about Christmas arrangements. I'm feel like them about this and can happily wait till just before - but I think I'm probably not the norm in that.

My own sons do like things to be "fair" so we do get to see them over the Christmas period but I'm not concerned about seeing them "on the day"
This perhaps makes it easier for me when they regularly go elsewhere? The hurt that the OP feels about Christmas is, it seems to me, about that one day.

If you want that particular day with family then (as discussed earlier) I think you should be trying to organise something.

Good luck.

My daughters alternate - seeing own parents one year then in'laws following year on Christmas day, then the others on another day during the festive season. As we all enjoy cooking, it really doesn't matter who hosts we bring a course or drinks or nibbles and it all works out. With 4 children you could probably host or go to 1 of them every year - just needs a bit of arranging! Talk to them all!

We had all of our families for many years, my in-laws sometimes hosted, but always included my parents and my brother and his wife.
We did try a couple of times to have a Christmas with just the children, but it always caused upset, so if never happened.
My adult children tend to do a year with us, and a year with their in-laws, but then we get them all for Boxing Day. We actually enjoy our Christmas on our own.

Your daughter should have a word with her brothers and say, well Ive done my bit , now it is your turn. Love to be a fly on the wall when that is said.

Pigsmayfly - I feel for you. It can be an absolute minefield can't it. Hope you're ok. Keep smiling & here's to getting it resolved in 2025 xxx

Well , so much seems to be invested in christmas, and not much about the real meaning of christmas, but adverts and the tv etc start earlier and earlier, so you are pushed into thinking and worrying about the christmas happenings far too early. If you are going to be the host, you are likely to feel more stressed than ever. Well I think we all put ourselves under too much stress about things. My sister , who had a very responsible job in central London, had had a hard year with staff illness and changes within the firm. She felt totally exhausted and worried that if she went to a big family do, she might get snappy or too tired to enjoy anything. She thought about it and then , whilst she didnt lie, she allowed the truth to be bent a little!! So when A asked if she would come and stay with them, she said that B had already asked her. Did the same to B the other way round. Now she allowed them to assume that she had accepted the others invite. So she then got in food that she liked, spent most of the first day in bed too exhausted to do anything. Then the next day she showered and washed her hair, and sat about in her dressing gown, watching what she wanted to, listened to the radio and eating whatever she felt like. She went back to work the day after Boxing day, very refreshed and ready to meet people. So she rang and arranged to meet everyone over the New Year. She felt slightly guilty but knew she was at the end of her tether, and when the other workers came in with tales of major rows and disasterous meals, she was glad that she had the ability to see that it was what she needed. Perhaps, just let the dust settle and then think just what you would like to do and see if it would fit in with the rest of the family. Might you alternate the time of year you meet, so you might spend Easter with someone, where the pressure would be less? Have you always fancied doing something totally different and felt that you cant change things. I had friends who had a very good cafe along the banks of a river , which was always popular. They used to advertise a totally non christmas menu from Boxing day onwards. Very simple beef stew, and casseroles and liver and onions etc. They were very popular with the plain and simple food, so people felt very virtuous as well as enjoying the food. So in about February you might make a bit of a study, and find out what friends have done and how it went , and you might get some ideas from them. Alternatively ,when things seem calmer, perhaps you might suggest that your whole family might try something different or time things differently. You say that you feel it puts too much pressure on the hosts etc. If you can show that the next christmas might be done differently , then the one after that you might make a new tradition which is fairer to everyone. Failing that , I would think what I would enjoy doing, and book that so that when they started to talk about what they were doing, you can simply say Oh you will not be there.

bluebird243

My gripe is that I sent [via sons and DIL] a grandson cash and small presents for him and his girlfriend. I never see him throughout the year, he is 25.

No text of thanks. Not impressed.

Stop~~~~

Cabbie
See BA69 over on the bereavement thread. She just returned from her first solo holiday at a hotel in Blackpool.
And loved every minute
Has booked again for next year.
Do you like Blackpool by any chance... just had an idea ...

Ziggy62

People will probably think I'm quite cruel and heartless
When both my parents were alive I felt obliged to invite them to spend Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day with us (we would sleep in our own homes). Other members of the family often joined us.
I often wished I could just enjoy time with my children instead of cooking and washing up for so many and trying to keep different age groups happy
One year my husband and young daughter took ourselves off to a cottage in the lake district. Just as we were serving lunch on boxing day my parents arrived (the cottage belonged to a friend of theirs)
So, when my own 2 children grew up and met their future wife/husband I wasn't at all upset if I wasn't part of their Christmas day plans.
Both my children live a plane ride away, my daughter was here last year, first time in 10 years.
Both of my children have busy lives, good jobs, they work hard and I think they deserve to spend Christmas however they want to.
I've had more than one Christmas alone, truly enjoyed the peace and quiet

I persuaded my youngest son to spend Christmas with his
‘girlfriend’ …he’s 43 and single, she’s 49. My other son, d-I-l and grandchildren live in Japan. At 79 next year, tho semi retired I still run a small business from home, I have health issues, and by the time I’ve wrapped the gifts for all in Japan, and other friends and sent off ? 40 odd cards I’m always exhausted at Christmas nowadays. I was VERY HAPPY NOT to have to clear up, tidy everywhere, sort new bedding and cater for youngest … spent a lovely peaceful time and chatted virtually on FaceTime to ALL the family in turn … so much better!
Tho whilst eating my solitary Christmas dinner ( paupiettes of Turkey stuffed and bacon wrapped, with all the trimmings) …I thought something’s wrong… on Boxing Day when re-doing the same meal I realised… I’d forgotten the cranberry sauce….! So rectified that mistake and had an even better meal !
I don’t understand all this outcry for having family every time. Yes it’s fun to play board games, etc etc, but at my age now I’m giving up ‘doing’ Christmas meals. If they want to come they can do it for me or take me out… !
My family from Japan came over this summer, but they stayed in an Air b n b up the road… and came to me for the early part of the evening … ( my grandchildren were 6 and 9 ) I cooked …sort of… ( a local veggie restaurant provided the meals for the first couple of days) , my air fryer and a judicious use of M & S provided a lot of easy cooking… and just having them with me for a limited time each day worked wonderfully for us all!
I live alone normally and only have one combined toilet / bathroom. The arrangement gave me peace and recovery time, as did this Christmas. New year is a non event!