Friend of 30+years

I can empathise with both sides . You describe your friend as neurodiverse so she may feel able to cope outside and not have to feel pressured to make her home visitor ready. She may have had something happen so she feels safe in a neutral environment. You appear to be a compassionate friend and want a compromise. You can still be friends but only meet outside and not in each other’s homes. Also no issues with guest over staying, just pay and go . Her husband also has issues, I would focus on one part of this as it’s complex . Hope u and your friend enjoy your brews together.

One advantage of the café culture we have now, is that it's perfectly natural to meet friends in neutral territory.

I never liked the slightly competitive nature of hosting coffee mornings.

I hated having to pretend I was a domestic goddess.

Nowadays I am far more relaxed and don't care who sees my untidy house.

I don't know why your friend is the way she is, but it's not your job to change her.

I hope you can continue to be her friend if that's what you both want.

Reported

I have friendships that have lasted decades through moves away and back again and hundreds of miles of separation. Until the 90s we met for coffee/meals in each other's homes. Now we meet in cafes and restaurants. Not sure why....but most have DH's wondering about the house... We have been meeting less since the Pandemic. Loss of confidence/health worries? You've been friends a long time. Do you miss her now?

Your husband is right, it’s her problem. Leave her to it.

Don't contact her unless she contacts you .

I laughed out loud at your "you think I had advised human sacrifice". Your friend has been leaning on you for donkeys years so no doubt she will get over feeling miffed after a while.

Ps in regard to her being all miffed and wounded by the advice she asked for but didn't like.... don't grovel. Give her a bit os space and in a couple of weeks ask if she wants to meet for coffee. Not sure why you always pay but hey it's your call. As I mentioned, her friendship must be worth it and guess she gives in other ways. Gòod luck x

If this is a friendship of over 30 years amd she's never invited you for coffee, then its not likely to change much. You must have noticed her social awkwardness over the years and love her anyway. So the friendship must be worth it for you. ...i would say, don't try to 'solve' her. Don't push her to be what she's not. Settle back into a rhythm you can manage and which doesn't leave you expecting more than she can give. There are all shades, sizes and types of friendship..let it be what it is, or pull away gently. But you love her, so i hope you can just get through this bump, apologise for hurting her and resume normal operations. It takes a long time to grow a friendship, so hold on to it.

Doesn't really sound like a friendship anyway.
You seem to have cast yourself more as a parent figure to her.
Doing all that catering and hosting.
And why do you always pay for coffee at meetings where she talks only about her concerns and you emerge exhausted.
I think entering her house or not is irrelevant.
You are at least as responsible as she is for this whole scenario.
Maybe now is convenient point to disengage.

It's really hard when you are naturally friendly and kind person and understand that your friend is neurodivergent .
I've now gone through this several times .But after tolerating many screaming sessions I finally walked away from a friend ,who assaulted me .
I wasn't hurt , but I was shaken .
She was sorry .
Over the last four years another friend, who I think is autistic was at first good company .
For the last two years she's become increasingly rude and unpleasant .
Going out with her is exhausting .
I'm tired of making allowances for her .
My own health isn't good and I just don't have the energy anymore .
I made a few attempts before Christmas ,but enough is enough .
It is up to you .
Don't feel guilty .
You've tried .
Move on .

If she’s on the spectrum , she might have anxiety about hosting people in her home.
I love hosting but I do get a bit anxious before people arrive .
So I do understand where she’s coming from . If you value the friendship, I’d approach her . We’re all different and sometimes people don’t act how we act .
I think my DH has ADHD and he often can’t understand why friends act as they do .

Sago

Are they hoarders?

This was my first thought. If they are all on the autistic spectrum, as you suggest, this could well be the case as it is common for autistic people to be hoarders. Obviously, not all hoarders are autistic and not all autistic people are hoarders, but hoarding is a very common byproduct of autism.

As Sago says, If you haven’t ever been to her house do you think that it’s possible that she might be ashamed of it? I know someone who is a hoarder and it wasn’t until she was taken ill that she had to let people in. We all then realised why she had been so reluctant in the past. As for her husband, if he is quite a handyman, or even if he would like to learn to be one, there are groups where men get together to make things to sell for charity like bird boxes. Perhaps there is a group near home. Do persevere in getting her to meet up, it would be a shame to lose a friend.

Do you like her enough to want to stay friends with her, albeit all a one-sided friendship?

Are they hoarders?

I think I understand your friend. She doesn’t feel comfortable inviting people into her personal space but can meet you outside it. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t value your friendship , just that she can only relax and enjoy meeting you outside her home. Accept that and enjoy what she is comfortable with. We all have our limitations,

Perhaps you could suggest meeting for coffee at a new cafe, which you have not visited before. So , the point of that is, that without actually saying anything about the past, you are offering to meet up in a safe place that will not remind her or you of the last occasion. When I dont feel very well I try not to arrange a specific commitment. If I ring up and suggest meeting for coffee that day, I choose the day and actually know whether I can cope with meeting anyone or not. I cant make arrangements for next week, because it becomes very stressful as I dont know how I will feel on that day and can I cope etc. So in that state I can assume everyone in the world is better than me and the panic feelings can make me feel I cant cope with something ,hat on another time ,I would be fine. for example I once with very little warning had to give a dinner for 8 people with different food requirements etc. I sailed through it , saw it as a challenge to work out what I could give a muslim and a non meat but fish eating person etc. At the time when I feel not so good deciding whether I should offer 2 kinds of tea is tough.So if she is struggling with lots of things it might be as much as she can manage to just send you these short replies. Another possibilty could be if you both swim, you could suggest going swimming together and have a coffee afterwards. The thing about swimming is that you are doing some physical side by side, and chat but not looking at each other and the only pressure is to decide how many more lengths you coul do.She may say no to several suggestions, but actually underneath will appreciate that you are still keeping in touch with her. Your friendship is obviously important to you and I would think this is worth trying or you may find that you lose touch altogether, and the longer that happens the more difficult it gets. At the worse if you try several times and she rebuffs you, you know that for the sake of your friendship you made the effort, and will have left the door open. Good luck and hope that you find a way back together. One other thing you might try is if it doesnt look too engineered, you could ask a mutual friend to invite you both for coffee and then you look surprised to see her etc so that it looks casual, so that may give you a way back too.
Good luck and well done to try so hard to keep together

What should I do ???

If you want the friendship to continue, I'd say let the dust settle then issue your normal type of invitation to meet up.
Let her decide.

Well you already know she is difficult but love her none the less as a friend, I have one friend like this and other friends in our circle always complain about her, is hard work but we go way back and I know she has certain mental health issues.
Does it really matter that you haven’t been to her home?
Think carefully about how important this is to you because if this is the clincher then obviously you need to have a rather difficult conversation with her and if she gets the hump again maybe you both need some space apart. But if not going to her home really isn’t that big an issue then put it behind you and suggest you both go for coffee somewhere and don’t apologise but don’t raise the issue again.
It could be that going into her personal space causes her anxiety, she could indeed have social anxiety and may only feel safe with other people outside her home.
As I said you know this friend is hard going but you also know this is something you feel is beyond her control due to being on the spectrum etc.
Your call. Either go along with things as they are or challenge her about her behaviour.

I do feel that some people are good hosts, and some people are good guests.
I had a friend who, in her own home, would sit and chat for ages .
If she came to my house, I could see she felt on edge and couldn't relax. I don't think it was anything I did!
So maybe your friend is just more comfortable as a guest, rather than a host?

Her husband could meet people and make friends by going to a club or group, far easier in the first instance than inviting people to their house.

To be honest she doesn't seem like much of a friend. It's all one sided.