Grandparents of the internet please help!

MissAdventure

I've only ever heard of or about grannies wrestling babies out of mums arms on here.
Quite a,common theme.

I've wrestled a baby trying to change its nappy but would never have been so keen that I wrestled it from its mother's arms.

But to clarify I had my children with my partner not his mother
Yes, I can see that might be difficult to achieve.

I'm not sure why this is on Gransnet...?

keepingquiet it's on here because we are helping Stressedmama2025 with the grief her mother-in-law is causing her, giving her a different perspective and the support to stand her ground.

Some of us have already had to negotiate similar problems over the years, myself included.

I'm not sure why this is on Gransnet...?

This seems very strange behaviour on MIL's part and I don't know any GPs who would do this sort of thing but then the world is full of crazy people...

I've only ever heard of or about grannies wrestling babies out of mums arms on here.
Quite a,common theme.

Yes I am pregnant again with out second child.

But to clarify I had my children with my partner not his mother, so she has zero influence on whether we have 2 or more children. Shes merely a bump in the road that needs repairing or we just drive around it until it’s resolved. She has no impact on how we live life nor will she have control over our children and how we raise them. She did it with her 3 children, now its our turn.

I sometimes only describe it as her having empty nest syndrome, shes retired, shes bored, shes enjoyed the initial freedom of work, baking at home, shes exhausted the joy of spending money/seeing her mum weekly and is looking for other outlets to cure her boredom.

We told her when she retired she needed to find a hobby as the excitement of free time will die off when the options have all be used a few times and more. We suggested plenty of times her needing a hobby as we know what happens when she’s bored. My dads the same he retired 2 yrs back and went straight to self employment part time and is currently renovating my parents home as he would get bored sitting about!

Luminance

I have been well informed that this condition is is called "Baby Rabies" and grandmother's who catch this disease are prone to finding themselves overwhelmingly attached to babies that are not theirs. Worse should that grandparents already have a skillset for undermining, controling, belittling and boundary stomping. Rather fitting I thought!

Baby rabies 😂😂 i like it ha!

Sorry everyone for the radio silence has a bad week as I’ve been unwell as has my son and partner. Been a house full of the lurgy!

So on an update - my MIL & FIL decided they were going to see us this weekend no asking just decided they are coming for our son, we’ve decided against it as my mum and dad haven’t spent much time with him at all since xmas day. Absolutely no apology STILL so my partner has politely said

‘we appreciate you like seeing DGS. BUT you can’t seem to see that you swatting stressedmama2025’s hands out of the way and pushing her aside is completely unacceptable, she is his mother and deserves to be treated and respected as his mother. If she needs your help she will ask, if you cant apologise and then were sorry but were going to be engaged in other activities until we get that. Also we have seen you every weekend since before Xmas for a good 7/8 weeks in a row now, his other grandparents (her parents) would very much like to see him as they have been asking to take him out for a few weeks, they never ask in fear of the vicious attacks you start on them and they haven't been able to as you’ve commandeered his time. He’s spent the last 6+ weeks in a row with you whether its been over night or out for the day, its their turn now. We appreciate your help with childcare but he needs to see his other grandparents this weekend instead’

She’s had a bit of a sulk, cried poor tales about not spending at time with him (he’s slept at their house 3 weeks in a row whilst iv had appointments) and then taken herself off for a grumble in her own space.
We really love his mum just to confirm we hold no ill feelings towards her, but we can’t do with her inability to accept her own wrong doings and quite honestly her selfish feelings towards my family. She absolutely detests our son seeing my mum and dad whether she likes to admit it or not, but her and my FIL have been on some pretty nasty verbal rants about my mum and dad not realising neither of them offer to have my son as often as they both live in fear of the verbal slander that comes with it from his parents. Its really sad that side of things as my mum and dad simply have no ill thoughts when he spends time with his other grandparents.

Sooo we’re still at square one- currently not resolved but thats a her problem to deal with. Im pregnant have other things to concentrate on without her adding unnecessary stress on me for no reason!

Like everyone else has commented so wrong in all areas , have you thought when your new baby is born having a week or so with no visitors so you can bond as a family …. Tough I know if your parents are nearby and behave ‘normal’ but it may make her realise you are your own family….. or if to tough no baby cuddles for 2 weeks , I’d advise alas for her not to take your other child to ‘ give you a rest ‘ initially also as none of this reads correctly for a grandparent.

I have been well informed that this condition is is called "Baby Rabies" and grandmother's who catch this disease are prone to finding themselves overwhelmingly attached to babies that are not theirs. Worse should that grandparents already have a skillset for undermining, controling, belittling and boundary stomping. Rather fitting I thought!

Good posts Babs and Allira let's not demonise all GP's because of some extreme cases.

Stressedmama2025

Unfortunately yes it was me! I took a lot of advice on board we managed to get the medium agreement.

We learned what to acknowledge and what not to. We took a lot of the advise and found a lot of it really aided us to get that middle ground between us all.

We’ve managed just over a year of the happy medium, we made such good progress in the relationships and she herself worked really hard at mending it with me firstly as she knew unless she did then the contact with our son would be very limited.

Theres been a few things and my partners nipped them in the bud, as soon as i fell pregnant again she got a bit ahead of the plan and we sat her down and said thank you, we appreciate it but this is our decision not yours, i know thats upsetting but thats the way things will be. She accepted that. But then just last month or two shes done things and said things and its been pretty questionable and weve brushed some off as excitement to be retired and then some of it has been really passively controlling. We address the most of it. But as I say above swatting me out of the way is just unacceptable and I wont be treat like that by her or anyone from my own family for that matter!
I just dont know what to say to her, I could be polite but she’d ignore. If i say polite and bluntly I’m cruel, If i put my footdown I’m controlling. I just can’t win and its really hurting me as I dont want to cut her from my sons life! Shes his grandmother she loves him, but she has no right to swat me out of the way or dismiss me in any shape or form

Similar post over a year later then, how very strange!
Your little boy will soon be old enough to protest for himself.
I'm confused, as you say you are pregnant again, think I'm losing the plot! But I wish you well.

Babs03 well said.

flappergirl

What on earth is wrong with grandparents these days? This sort of behaviour is often posted about on Mumsnet. I know grandparents have always stuck their noses in to an extent, that's human nature, but so many of them seem to have gone completely gaga. I don't remember any grandparents years ago wanting to replace the parents. Is it social media or too much time on their hands, what?

What on earth is wrong with grandparents these days?

Nothing with most of them.

One might just as well ask what is wrong with young parents these days using their own parents as free childminders, fund providers etc.

Of course, not all do that either.

Yes Babs, I wouldn’t say this behaviour is typical of “grandparents these days”.

flappergirl

What on earth is wrong with grandparents these days? This sort of behaviour is often posted about on Mumsnet. I know grandparents have always stuck their noses in to an extent, that's human nature, but so many of them seem to have gone completely gaga. I don't remember any grandparents years ago wanting to replace the parents. Is it social media or too much time on their hands, what?

I beg to differ. I think most grandparents I know including ourselves try very hard to keep out of the way when not needed and leave the parents to it, often tiptoeing around them and making sure no offence is ever given. The case cited by the OP is extreme and as others have said not normal.
Have never heard of this happening in the circle of grandparents I know or on GN before.

yes I know it should read no self esteem 😌

It could be a mixture of too much time on their hands, wanting to relive motherhood (their way) always having been Queen Bee in their household, and good old control freakery!

Throw in a pinch of being surrounded by week people with little to know self esteem who can be easily manipulated and abracadabra a recipe for a tyrant.

What on earth is wrong with grandparents these days? This sort of behaviour is often posted about on Mumsnet. I know grandparents have always stuck their noses in to an extent, that's human nature, but so many of them seem to have gone completely gaga. I don't remember any grandparents years ago wanting to replace the parents. Is it social media or too much time on their hands, what?

Your mother in law does sound unbalanced and the prospect of your second child seems to be triggering a repeat of her very strange and controlling behaviour. When your new baby arrives you may face all over again the problems you had with your MIL first time around.

It doesn’t sound promising. I think you would be wise, with your partners’s support, to distance yourself from your in-laws by whatever means possible, and only re-establish relations with them on your terms.

It’s concerning that your FIL is going along with what is clearly unbalanced behaviour. Something wrong there.

I don’t agree with those who think your MIL will never change. I think she could if she sees that the consequences of not changing her behaviour are worse than the consequences of changing it.

I think it’s too early to give up on her yet.

If anyone pushed me I’d tell them on no account to ever do it again and if they did I wouldn’t give them another chance because I’d stay away from them in future. You say they have helped you out in the past but I’d rather not have the help. It’s hard but lots of people bring up their children with no help from grandparents.

Not one poster has said your mil behaviour is reasonable, despite most if not all of us are grandparents ourselves.
We more than understand how much love we have for our gc but also understand they are not our children.

What you do, depends as I see it, entirely on what kind of your relationship to his parents your partner wants.

In your place, I would sit HIM down and explain that there is no way you are going to accept his mother behaving with your expected child as she has done with your first-born.

In your place, I would be tempted to say I will be happy to invite his parents to your house, only when he is at home to back you up, and that you will not consider going to their home until the children are at least of school age.

If he will not back you up, get your ducks in a row and demand a divorce, because your MIL will stop this stupid carry-on when she dies and not a moment before.

Does no one think about the effect of all this upset on a small child? He/she should not be exposed to rows and drama and does not need these people who appear to think only of themselves.