saying NO

But saying no, is not all about big asks and dramatic occasions, it is also about those little asks in life, and reasonable assumptions all of us make, even in families.

'Oh, can you drop this in the post box on your way out.' Sorry I can't I am going to B so will not go past the post box'

I think if someone really cannot say no and really cannot cope with people being irritated on occasion if they say no then they first need a some counselling to work out why they cannot say know and why irritating people is so personally upsetting.

I don't agree. Being put on the spot is the fault of the one asking, not the receiver.

Maybe saying,' you've put me on the spot there so I'll get back to you asap,' might make the asker realise they may not have considered the consequences of asking for something that isn't easy to give.'

Recently we had the term, 'that's a big ask', whilst I didn't particularly like it, at least it reflected the complexity of some situations.

I had a message to meet up for coffee yesterday. I jumped at the offer but realised I didn't have my car.
I accepted then stated I needed a lift to which the reply was to confirm I would be picked up at a certain time. I did realise, though, that I might have to turn it down if there was no lift available...

Maybe it's me but I always have a contingency plan if the person I'm asking can't help me out...

I always say I will have to check my diary, then later, sorry but I can’t. When on the spot No is hard.

I would avoid the use of 'sorry' - it is an ingrained British habit that we apologise for everything, but in these situations I feel it puts you ever so slightly on the back foot. Some good phrases here from other posters. I like "No thank you, but thank you for offering." and 'Oh, all sorts of reasons too boring to go into.' They sound kind but firm - and a quick, smiling, change of subject usually works well.

"No thank you, but thank you for offering."

I don't respond well to pressure, only I am in control of myself. I find others respond well to a polite direct "No Thank you".

You need to come to terms with the fact that there will be times when people will be irritated/angry/upset by your decision to say 'no'

Perhaps some counselling will help you come to terms with the idea that people do NOT have to be pleased all the time and sometimes people will be angry or cross if you say 'no'.

How do you deal with people who say 'no' to you?

I would get a self help book.

It is probably a complex answer.

No is a whole sentence

If you re afraid excuses will prolong the conversation I’ve found “Thanks but Id prefer not to” works for me

If even "I can't" is beyond you at the moment, and I sympathise greatly, how about,"I'll have to check my other commitments." Then a "sorry, already committed."

As a reformed one:

No, I already have plans I cannot cancel

No, it doesn't work for me

No

👍

Jaxjacky crossed posts!

You say ‘ oh I’m so sorry but I can’t’ if they ask why just say it’s for personal reasons and then change the subject.

Don’t try to explain.

I now say, ‘sorry, I’m afraid not’ if it’s queried I reply ‘personal reasons’ it’s worked so far.

That book was my handbook too seadragon

Well you might be asked, but you're not obliged to give an answer!

If you must, say "Oh, all sorts of reasons too boring to go into."
Which is probably true, if you're scrabbling around for an excuse not to do something you don't want to!
Then talk about something else.

This was my handbook in the 1980's: www.awesomebooks.com/book/9780704334205/a-woman-in-your-own-right-assertiveness-and-you/used?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIqpzjhYmbiwMVP4lQBh0H2DXrEAQYASABEgKfiPD_BwE .... by Anne Dickson. I was working for a charity run by a bully. The book was on the office shelves. After absorbing it, I passed it on to the other volunteers involved and bought my own copy which I loaned and recommended to others for succeeding decades. Turned out the 'bully' owned the book and.....eventually recognising people were reading and learning how to say 'No' from it ..... she removed it from the office.....!!

Don’t you get asked why it doesn’t work, or what would work?

"Sorry that doesn't work for me."

Says all you need to say 🤷
Excuses and explanations aren't always necessary and other people aren't entitled to them.

sorry life-long

I don’t think you can, politely and without giving offence, say No without giving a reason or excuse. That may involve a lie. I don’t lie therefore I don’t say No without a genuine reason.

It depends on the situation. You could just come right out and say "No, I don't want to" and if they ask for reasons or explanations you are not obliged to give them.

You could soften the blow a little asking them to appreciate that you have decided to be more honest about your real feelings.

This approach will take a bit of courage if you are a like-long PP but it is worth it in the end.

I learned years ago that a no can always be changed to a yes at a later time, whereas a yes means you are committed.

Maybe some delaying tactic might be helpful- something like 'I'd love to but can I do it later/tomorrow/next week instead?'

I think this gives you a measure of control without being seen to be mean.

I think the term is boundary setting. Everyone needs healthy boundaries and yes to everything and then feeling resentful isn't healthy, for you or the people in your life.

Just remember that 'you can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time but you can't please all of people all of the time'.

If it's important to you to say no, then say no.