Friend dilemma

I am in a similar situation but in different circumstances. I have always thought relationships of any kind need to be worked on. It should be something which isn't over examined much whilst it is working, but when one party begins to feel they are doing all the work it begins to seem pointless.

As I get older I seem to be making much more effort with family than I am with friends. This worries me as I don't want to feel isolated from social contacts which provide balance with family ones.

I think both make for a balanced and enjoyable life.

However, I am conscious that some of my old friends are slipping though my fingers despite my efforts. I find it very sad but I am not chasing them, they seem not to need me as much as I thought.

I'm not sure what to do either- find new friends? Not easy when you are used to being around people who know you well and with whom you have to explain nothing. I am not sure such people are really out there for me.

It is hard and I can't really offer you any advice I'm afraid. I'm completely flummoxed by friends who were once such a big part of my life, seem not to care anymore. Maybe someone else knows the answer to our shared dilemma?

Thank you for reply

Sorry you are in similar situation, it's quite sad. I think my friend is too polite to say what has upset them (or him) and she will continue to chat if I continue to contact her but that's not a real friendship

I don't really think there is an answer unfortunately

No- you can't force people into doing things they don't want to do- although I often put myself out for this particular friend because I thought that's what you had to do... seems not in the end. Very sad.

It is very sad but sometimes the dynamics of a long friendship changes (and we, as individuals change over time). I have had a friend from college days but despite my suggestion to meet up face to face - she has not offered to - so we just exchange a letter every other month (which I find strange) but it is what it is. Another longstanding friend is happy to meet up every two months or so, (she also lost her husband2 years ago), but I find I am having to be ‘fitted in’ around her other activities/friends. Somehow the dynamics are changing through no fault of my own. Her life seems busier than mine but I always try to be available - despite being a carer for my husband.

I agree it's sad when this happens. friends slipping through fingers is a good description, but it isn't due to a big rift, and there might not be any real reason. Hopefully, her husband isn't involved, as he sounds a misery.
You're right that meeting new people isn't quite the same as relationships with longstanding friends. I think we lose the knack or the enthusiasm, but it's still important to get out and at least smile and have a little chat with people around you. Sorry, I don't have a proper answer.

Thank you for replies

Well it's been a month since I last heard from her. I'll leave it and see if she gets in touch again.

It's very sad after being so close but I think I have to accept the husband is upset/annoyed over something .
He's not one to forgive and forget unfortunately

I think they wanted to meet you alone and not with the other friends.
Bit unreasonable as they had told you previously they were busy with their son.

I think it looks as though if you do nothing it will just drift into losing touch altogether. If you think it is the husband rather than her, then would you prefer to risk being open if you could send this specifically to her. So the problem with written words is that they can be interpreted in different ways and the wrong meaning taken at times. However if you could write to her and say you feel sad that you seem to be losing touch, that your friendship over all this time means a lot to you and you would not like to lose it , if it is just based on one incident etc and emphasize that you mean the friendship with her rather than including the husband. It is a sort of gamble, but being direct and honest, she must see that you value your friendship and if it is important to her she will reply in a positive way. If she either denies that there is any change or doesnt respond, it will be sad for y ou but you will have found out how things stand wont you? Old friendships may change through circumstances but there is something about the honesty and knowledge you have of each others lives that cannot be replicated with other friendships and I treasure mine and think they are worth putting in the effort to keep up. This doesnt stop you making new friendships but it doesnt have to be an either or situation does it? Do hope that things improve. Wishing you good luck

Pick up the phone and actually talk to one another? Novel idea between you perhaps as you seem to write, text or WhatsApp. Sometimes written words can be misinterpreted. If the friendship means a lot to you it’s worth a go? But maybe the tide is turning on it anyway and you just have to accept, as I did once, the friendship means more to you than it does to her.

Thanks for replies. We used to call each other every week. Then her job changed and she worked much later in the evening, then she cared for grandchildren on her one day off in the week, then weekends were busy with her 3 sons and grandchildren.
I understood this so was more than happy to chat less on phone and communicate more on WhatsApp.
Her job was stressful, long unsociable hours. However hours reduced at least a year ago but she was always "busy busy busy " with family and other friends.

I'm sure her husband was/is upset over whatever happened the last time we visited. She always goes along with whatever makes him happy.

I'm sure if I contact her on WhatsApp she will reply but that's not a real
friendship surely? I think I have to accept he's upset and sadly our friendship is over