Mum's cleaner gone missing!!!

Whatever the reason for leaving her cleaning job, the onus is on the cleaner to do the decent thing and give proper notice. She is the one at fault here, not the lady for whom she worked.

Did your mum spend a lot of (unpaid for) time chatting to the cleaner, making her late for the next job?

Oh well, something happened that made her feel she didn’t want to come to your mum any more and that she doesn’t want to get involved in a discussion about it.

Nothing to do but look around for somebody else I guess.

🙂

Lathyrus3 - My mum wasn't the oldest person she cleaned for and she was also a cleaner/carer for an old couple and she went to their home every morning to get the old gentleman washed and dressed, so she was used to taking on the responsibility of older people and their possible problems. And finally she was the one who made the offer to help out, if the need ever arose when we were away, neither my mum or I asked this of her.

Maybe the fact this lady was 91 proved too much of a responsibility for the cleaner. One she didn’t want or need. Rather than tell your mother of her decision, which of course might cause upset face to face, she just stopped coming.

Sue2505

MorningMist and Lathyrus3 - When I said that she looks out for my Mum, this consisted of being at the end of the phone if mum ever had a problem (which she never did) but it gave me peace of mind as my brother lives almost 3 hours away. And the occasional errand was picking up her magazines on the way to the flat to do the cleaning (possibly 3 times) which she always paid extra for. This hardly counts as depending on her too much or taking advantage of her.

I think you and your cleaner saw “ being at the end of a phone if mum ever had a problem” very differently.

Obviously you don’t see it as much of an issue but your cleaner may have felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of being your mums first responder. Especially with you on holiday and your brother 3 hours away.

Just because your mum has never phoned her with a problem ( or emergency) isn’t relevant really. The cleaner was put in the position of being responsible for her well being and having to be the person who would have to take action and make decisions if anything went wrong.

I think there are very few people who would agree to take that upon themselves. It may have given you peace of mind but perhaps it worried your cleaner a lot?

If you honestly can’t see that it was a massive thing to ask of her, way beyond her job as a cleaner, then I can see why she felt she had to just leave rather than have a discussion where you couldn’t see her point of view.

I think if you ask this if a new cleaner they will almost certainly say no.

Aveline

Not everyone is particularly socially skilled or articulate enough to explain their resignation. It was obviously easier to just not turn up. Leave it. She's clearly indicated that she's not coming back.

I agree with this. Also she may have found better paid work. Or enjoys the anonymity of cleaning the office. She might not have felt able to tell your Mum she didn’t want to work for her any more. There are all sorts of possible reasons so definitely just leave it and, as others have suggested, tell your Mum a little white lie to spare her feelings.

MorningMist and Lathyrus3 - When I said that she looks out for my Mum, this consisted of being at the end of the phone if mum ever had a problem (which she never did) but it gave me peace of mind as my brother lives almost 3 hours away. And the occasional errand was picking up her magazines on the way to the flat to do the cleaning (possibly 3 times) which she always paid extra for. This hardly counts as depending on her too much or taking advantage of her.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head Lathyrus. Even if the lady was paid for doing errands (maybe not so ‘occasional’) and looking out for Mum (whatever that entailed), the extra work, and the chatting for which she would not have been paid, would have impacted on the time she had to do her other jobs and perhaps it just became impossible. She probably envisaged tears and pleading if she gave notice so the easiest way to end the arrangement was simply to say nothing.

Rather a shame she could not have the decency to hand in her notice and explain why. Could she have told dear mum and it was forgotten? Was she employed directly by mum or would you normally organise this? You have your answer though, the lady is safe and well and working. You could get yourself in trouble for harassment waiting at her home or calling from different numbers. Time to step back and find a new more reliable cleaner.

Not everyone is particularly socially skilled or articulate enough to explain their resignation. It was obviously easier to just not turn up. Leave it. She's clearly indicated that she's not coming back.

Actually I think both you and your mum have been depending on her too much. Did you pay her extra for the “occasional errand” and the extra responsibility of looking out for your mum when you were away?

If the answer is no then you have been taking advantage of her good nature and maybe your mum made one more ‘extra’ request that made the cleaner think enough is enough.

You’ve both looked on her as a friend you can ask favours of, rather than someone with a specified job to do and a living to earn, The ‘extras’ all took time and energy.

But it’s hard for nice people to say negative things to someone’s face. Easier to walk away, which is what I think she’s done.

By all means check your mums bank statements if possible, if all seems ok I would let this drop. Obviously the cleaner does not want to visit your Mum any more - however it was very unprofessional of her to simply disappear. Let your Mum down very gently , tell a few white lies if necessary and find her another cleaner. I can see no value in chasing this person up.

Just let her go - find someone else. Sometimes we do say things without thinking. I think as we get older, our tongue gets a bit loose

From replies here, and experience of work/friends dilemma I think I might just let this go if your mum wouldn't want her back anyway.

Tell your mum that she is obviously OK but you have no idea what's happened.

Hope you find a decent replacement cleaner soon.

Thanks for all your replies and suggestions. I think I will try to call her on a different phone, although even if we did resolve the issue I'm not sure Mum would want her back. I don't think (although I can't be sure) that anything underhand went on. Mum doesn't keep much cash in her flat and or has anything that valuable but I will talk to her and check bank statements etc. The work she did for mum was just light housework, cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, hoovering etc and she was paid over the amount she originally asked for as mum told her she was worth it. She's a good cleaner, conscientious and caring and it just seems so out of character.

You know she’s alive & well so would just leave it, it’s obvious she no longer wants to work for your mum. Maybe your mum was depending on her too much!
Really the lady should have explained to mum her reasons for wanting to leave her employ.

I think I would just let it drop, she's obviously OK if still working elsewhere

Maybe something happened and she didn't have the courage to say something at the time.

I've just retired as a self employed cleaner. Occasionally I came across customers I just couldn't work with. I would always give a reason to customers why I wasn't returning (Maybe not the real reason).

I think this cleaner has made it quite clear she doesn't want to return

The woman will have regarded the chat as just like the sort of thing you do with work colleagues - nice but not an actual friendship.

Quite likely it's as Calendargirl says.
I'd be inclined to want to find out for sure, tho, but don't know if you really can - unless you can manage to 'bump into' her somewhere.
(On the way out to work doesn't seem like a good time, tho, as she'll probably be in a hurry.)

Some good suggestions here.
I lost a gardener much the same way some years ago.
I tried to phone her and eventually got through. I asked whether I had said something wrong and she said "you know you have" well I still don't know what it was but perhaps she was more sensitive than I knew and took offence over some perceived slight.

I asked mutual friends after her but all that happened was they were able to say she was well.

She moved away from the area and I have another gardener now.

I think there's a division between paid employee and friend which perhaps I had inadvertently crossed and your mum too?

Or maybe she has had the chance of more, better paying work somewhere else, can’t fit your mum in anymore, but sooner than telling her, just stopped coming?

My late mum’s mobile hairdresser did this, just didn’t come at the appointment time. We would far rather she had simply told us she was now too busy with other clients and couldn’t do mum anymore.

I agree that this is something best dealt with face to face and probably requires you to stake out her house, like a private detective, until you can catch her coming home or going out. Make it clear that your mum is very very worried and ask if anything happened to stop her visiting. Unfortunately elderly people often get attached to carers or cleaners and think of them as friends, whereas these people just treat it as a job. Maybe she just got fed up with the job but it was a nasty way of leaving. I’m sure whatever you discover the answer to be, you will find a way of letting your mum down gently.

Well I wasn’t thinking of ambushing her NotSpaghetti but if she was harsh enough to just walk out with no explanation knowing the old lady relied on her, then I do think a letter would be totally ignored and the daughter may as well do nothing

I would try ringing using a different phone as she will know your numbers.
It must be upsetting for your mum - I hope you get an answer for her soon.

We don't know what is going on in her life.
Short of ambushing her somewhere... a letter is just an option.